Conference tecrus::mormonism

       I think one of the reasons that we have more trouble with the
    teenage years is the families have less contact now than in the
    past.  In the days when eveyone farmed dad and sons (and sometimes
    daughters) worked together in the fields all day.  therefore they
    had much more time to be taught and for good habits to rub off on
    them.  I know a man in my ward who became a farmer for that very
    reason.
    
    I think there are a couple of suggestions found in the scriptures
    that can help with teens.  One is the story of Enos.  If you remember
    he went hunting in the woods and remembered the things his father
    had taught him.  I think that is the first prevention.  Teach children
    when they are young, help them to recognize truth (learn to discern
    with the spirit),  help them to understand the peaceful, joyous
    feeling that the spirit brings.  Second is  what Paul said about
    the sure sound of the trumpet.  (paraphrased) "If the trumpet give
    not a sure sound who will prepare himself for battle".Do we live what 
    we teach?  Teenagers are quick to see when we don't live what we 
    are teaching.  My experience has been that they rebel rather than
    follow what they percieve to be hypocrisy in adult leaders. (Funny
    they aren't so critical about their peer leaders!)
    
    
    Anybody else have any Ideas??
    
    Russell

"Hey, Dad, how come you and Mom used to peak in at me every few minutes
after you brought me home from the hospital, but I couldn't ever get you
to come and watch me at Little League?   Gosh, Dad, that sure would have
meant a lot to me.

Hey, Dad, how come you were so anxious for me to join the Boy Scouts?  I
thought you would have made at least one over-night with us.  Sure was
lonely out there, even with all the other dads.

Hey, Dad, how come you and Mom were always saying, 'We gotta do it for the
kids,' but when I asked you to sit down with me and look at my school work
you just couldn't give up that TV?

Hey, Dad, how come you always told Mom, 'Our kids are gonna have MORE than
we did,' and then you couldn't hardly ever find the time to enjoy all the
"MORE" stuff with me?

Hey, Dad, how come you and Mom were always whispering and never told me
what could happen when you do that with a girl?

Hey Dad, how come you and Mom thought birthday presents and Christmas presents
and all the other nice things you bought me are all you need to say, 'I love
you, I understand you, I respect your right as an individual'?

Hey Dad, how come you and Mom said you devoted your lives to making me happy
and secure?  Didn't you know room and board are just a small part of happiness
and security?

Hey Dad, how come you and Mom didn't go to that PTA meeting when that nice
sheriff was telling what to watch out for with drugs and narcotics?  Maybe
I wouldn't have been so curious if you would have just talked to me about it.

Hey Dad, how come you and Mom were so proud when I was accepted at the
university, and the first time I tried to talk to you about 'change' you
tuned me out?  I just wanted to hear what you and Mom thought; I never wanted
to argue.

Hey, Dad, how come..."

"Sorry, Son, time's up."

"Just one more minute, Officer, please?  Hey, Dad, how come it took a place
like this for me to finally hear you say, 'I love you, Son!'?  It's too
late, Dad.

Hey, Dad, how come it's too late?"

 -- DeKalb, Illinois, 'Chronicle'

The Church has prepared a booklet for public distribution to help everyone
(whether LDS or not) improve their families.  The booklet is called "Three
steps to a Happier Family".

The idea behind the booklet is "Family Home Evening", an evening each week
in which the family spends quality time together.  The Church encourages all
families to devote an evening each week to be and do things together.  The
booklet suggests three lessons that might be discussed with our families.
These lessons are not concerned with religion per se but are concerned with
improving the relationships in our family.

The three steps are

 o Listening with love and understanding.  Help your family members learn to
   hear one another with love and understanding.

 o Using labels that show love.   Encourage family members to avoid labels
   which destroy love and to use those which build love.

 o Planning an adventure in compassion.  Plan as a family an adventure in true
   compassion to help someone outside your home.

Anyone can receive free copies of the booklet.  Write to

      "Family"
      50 East North Temple
      Salt Lake City, Utah 84150

My wife's grandmother, known affectionately as "Mor", had a wonderful
philosophy for raising her children:  

1.  Be positive with them.  Don't do anything negative unless necessary 
    for some very important reason.

2.  Give them as much freedom in their lives as they can handle.  Hold them
    accountable for that freedom, though.  This does not imply that they
    do not have restrictions or boundaries to their freedom, but it does
    imply that they are given a lot of freedom within those boundaries.
    If her children wanted to do something, she let them do it unless they
    would be seriously harmed.

Her children are all active in the Church and are fine people.

Allen

	No other success in life can compensate for failure in the home.

	The greatest work you will ever do will be within the walls of 
	your own home.

    In stake conference several weeks ago one of the member of our stake
    presidency told of the following experience (not a direct quote):
    
    " I was sitting at my desk preparing for the next days work.  My
    13 year old daughter came in holding a pack of 'UNO' cards in her
    hand and watched me for a minute.  She looked at me and asked 'Dad
    are you doing something important, or just doing something?"
    
    I think we need to ask ourselves just what is important.
    By the way, he did play UNO with her...
    
    Later,
    Russell Murray

    Don't be a F.A.R.T. Fathers Against Radical Teens. I found if you
    push your childern to the radical edge, childern being what they are, will
    automatically rebel. Then you will have just what you want, a staright
    and narrow responcible young adult.

    

When my wife was in college, she saw many LDS girls come to school from active
LDS families.  When many of these girls got to school, they picked up many
of the vices that are opposite the Church standards.  My wife felt at the
time, that these kids had come from restrictive homes in which the were
required to attend church and "be active".  When they got away from their
parental influence, they flipped into conduct opposite that they had been
taught.

One sign that parents are being too restrictive with their children is that the
children rebel against family and/or the church.  There is a middle ground
between being too restrictive and too permissive, and the key to finding just
the right balance involves our recognition that our children have free agency
that we must not violate.  This key is our recognition that free agency
comes from the fact that the Lord has given each of us a portion of his
truth, has placed bounds on that truth, and has allowed us to be free
within those bounds.  I've talked about this in more detail in note 4.43
on Spheres of Truth.

It is very important that we let our children make as many decisions about
their life as possible, and that we hold them accountable for the results of
their decisions.  This type of relationship with our children must exist with
them from the time they are born.  Each person, regardless of age, has a
God-given sphere of truth, and they are free within the bounds that create
their sphere.  If we parents don't let our children exercise their freedom,
then the children will have anger and resentment towards us and usually
towards the church.  They are like a spring.  We parents can compress the
spring, and as long as we hold it that way, things go on as "normal".  But
the moment we release the spring, such as when a father is away or the kids
go away to school, the spring goes to the opposite condition--our children
rebel against home and church and adopt the opposite standards.  

As we parents give freedom of choice and responsibility for decisions to our
children, their spheres of truth expand.  How can we parents tell how much
freedom to give our children?  By how well they handle it, as we are guided
by the spirit.  It is hard to give examples of freedom we can give, because
every child is different, and we have to fast and pray for wisdom in doing
this.

My wife and I have had the goal that our children would be
independent from us by the time they graduated from high school.  
Independent in the sense that they are making decisions about their life and
are functioning as healthy adults.  Obviously, we are still their parents and
will always have a parental relationship with them, but it is a very
different relationship that it was when they were young.  It is more of an
adult relationship.  My children still talk to me about their decisions and
are anxious to see what we think about things, but my wife and I are careful
to give our comments in a non-demanding way that does in fact give freedom
of choice to our children.

A final comment.  I would suggest that parents who decide to give more
freedom to their children, and more responsibility for their own decisions,
do so in a quiet, gradual way--change takes time and always has its ups
and downs.

Allen

	The hardest thing a parent can do is give their children their
	agency.  Right or wrong, good or bad--children must learn to
	act of their own accord and take responsibility for their actions.
	To add to what Allen has said, I would like to contribute the fact 
	that I think most children *run amuck* once out of their parent's
	influence because they lack a strong testimony of their beliefs.

	Most children will "borrow" their parent's beliefs, or testimonies.
	They must be brought up to acquire their own.  This has been the
	hardest thing I have had to do next to giving them their agency to
	NOT obtain one.  It is so important for a parent to set the example
	of personal and family prayer, scripture reading, attending meetings;
	AND TO DO SO WITHOUT COMPLAINING!!!

	One complaint from a parent will distroy any good that has been done
	towards a child going in the right direction.  Think about that.  
	Watch the effect the next time a parent complains about someone or
	something.  The next time a parent doesn't want to raise their hand
	to sustain someone, think about what you are saying to your children.

	"Your actions speak so loudly, I can't hear what you're saying."

	Without a testimony that the gospel is true, and that the restored
	Church of Jesus Christ is upon the earth today; people, especially
	children (even if they are 19 or older),  are *more likely* to go 
	astray than if their testimony was strong.

	Charles

    To Allen  in .8
    
    Thanks for that entry, it made my day.  As a convert to the Church and
    having been raised by parents who felt the same way, namely that is
    was their job to encourage independence, both in the living and
    thinking areas, I have had some difficulty with one aspect of "Mormon
    Parenting".  What I mean is that I have met, taught or interacted with
    Mormon kids (meaning coming from a long line of Born in the Church 
    families), who are, well frankly, unimpressive.  They do not seem to
    have a head on their shoulder, do not know how to put thoughts
    together to construct an opinion.  They seem to had this look of total
    dependence on their family.
    
    I teach institute and here I have encountered the same thing.  There is
    a sort of "correct posturing" that goes on such as, "Oh, this is
    Church, so I am going to be the perfect person now".  My wife and I
    have discussed this phenomenon and have concluded that it is because we
    are converts that we are used to a different rearing technique.
    
    Any others have ideas on this observation, which is that some, not all,
    families have a parenting technique that so permanently bonds the
    children "to the family unit" that independent thought, action,
    feelings, attitudes, are non-existent.  
    
    I chuckle at the next thought.  In raising our first born son, Matt, we
    cherished and nourished his independence and adventuresomeness. He went
    off to BYU and with his first meeting with the Branch Presidency told
    him that he did not want any of these "Mickey-Mouse contrived callings
    like Ward Ditto-Master runner-offer". Needless to say, they labeled him 
    as "another Easterner with an attitude problem", and gave him no
    calling whatsoever. Maybe his mother and I went to far.
    
    Seriously, though, do you think that as a culture we have this
    situation of devaluing independence, in favor of tacit compliance.
    After all, we do discourage criticism, dissent and non-conformance.
    
    Your thoughts welcome.
    
    Paul 

	RE: <<< Note 32.10 by CAPNET::RONDINA >>>

>    Any others have ideas on this observation, which is that some, not all,
>    families have a parenting technique that so permanently bonds the
>    children "to the family unit" that independent thought, action,
>    feelings, attitudes, are non-existent.  

	This may be happening, but I recall no scripture supporting blind
	obedience.  Obedience--yes, but we still have our agency and are
	expected to act upon it.
    
>    I chuckle at the next thought.  In raising our first born son, Matt, we
>    cherished and nourished his independence and adventuresomeness. He went
>    off to BYU and with his first meeting with the Branch Presidency told
>    him that he did not want any of these "Mickey-Mouse contrived callings
>    like Ward Ditto-Master runner-offer". Needless to say, they labeled him 
>    as "another Easterner with an attitude problem", and gave him no
>    calling whatsoever. Maybe his mother and I went to far.

	I think you did a good job as your son was not intimidated and was
	able to express his opinion.  He should, however, search for the
	scriptures which explain that the whole is made up of the parts,
	and maybe the Branch Presidency failed by not being able to understand
	that themselves.  Some people need those kinds of callings, but I 
	think the "attitude" problem was at BYU.
    
>    Seriously, though, do you think that as a culture we have this
>    situation of devaluing independence, in favor of tacit compliance.
>    After all, we do discourage criticism, dissent and non-conformance.
    
	This is a hard one for me.  I think multiple generation children
	born into the church have a certain handicap, especially when they
	have apathetic parents.  I was 27 when I joined the church, and was
	always questioning everything.  I still do.  I have been accused of
	teaching false doctrine, but only by those who don't know.  If they
	would have bothered to find out what doctrine there is, then it would
	not have upset them so much.  Not one has "directly" come out and 
	said they were wrong, but some have tacitly come over to my side.  
	It doesn't really matter as long as I understand.

	There are certain things which people in the church hold sacred.  
	Because it means something to me, I don't like the sacrament passed 
	by people with long hair, rolled up sleves, no tie, etc..  But I do
	believe the only way to learn is to first question.  Criticism, 
	dissent and non-conformance must be done in the proper context to 
	be of any value.  Otherwise, those attitudes will lead people astray.

	Charles

    Here are some comments that my wife found in her reading.  They concern
    our relationships with others, whether we are building their self esteem
    or are being judgmental of them.  Encouragement builds self esteem while
    praise, because it is judgmental, destroys it.  People who give praise
    don't intend to destroy self-worth, but they give praise based on
    behavior that matches *their* standards of conduct, and in so doing are
    critical and judgmental of the other person.


         Encouragement                            Praise
         -------------                            ------

         Self-evaluation                          Evaluation by others
          ("Tell me about it.")                    ("I like it.")
          ("What do you think?")

         Address Deed                             Address Doer
          ("Thank you for helping.")               ("You are a good boy.")
          ("Good job.")                            ("Good girl.")
          ("Who can show me the proper             ("I like the way Suzie is
            way to sit?")                            sitting.")

         Empathy                                  Conformity
          ("What do you think and feel?")          ("You did it right.")
          ("I can see you enjoyed that.")          ("I'm so proud of you.")

         Self-disclosing "I" messages             Judgmental "I" messages
          ("I appreciate your help.")              ("I like the way you are

         Asks Questions                           "Should" statements
          ("Who can show me how we should          ("You should be sitting
            be sitting when we are ready.")          quietly.")