Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    Dear Anon noter
    
    	I can understand how you feel. A few realtionships back the same
    thing happened to me. We split up, I was seeing someone else and then
    the ex appeared back in the picture. Saying things I had waited for
    a year to hear, acting the way I had hoped that this person would act,
    being the person I had always hoped was there.
    
    	and then there was the new beau...for awhile I played both sides of
    the fence, getting the best of both worlds and realized that I would be
    the one hurt in the end...I beleive that you can nover can go, some may
    disagree, but this is how I feel...sometimes you need to "make a list"
    either in your mind or on paper about what you like, don't like, how
    you feel, what you want, what you need...and then see who can give you
    those things...
    
    	everyone wants to be secure. I was in a relationship for 5 years,
    but I think the last 2 were a relationship of convenice..I wanted
    someone at home when I got there, I wanted to be with someone on the
    weekends no matter how bad home life was, I put up with it....just so I
    could be secure...
    
    	You need to decide what YOU want and only you can decide that.
    Don't play the 2 off of each other and and above all, try not to
    purposely make one jealous by going out with the other.
    
    	Even though your ex may want you back, you need to look at the
    past. Why is he interested now, just because he was dumped..you need to
    look at who can give you TRUST, UNCONDITIONAL TRUST....
    
    	I wish ya the best...it is not an easy position to be in...but
    above all, find out what is best for you ...maybe neither of these
    people can give it to you, but you have to believe in yourself before
    anything can work
    
    
    peg

    so much for the typos....one line should read...I beleive you can never
    go back.....not just never go....

    From your account, it seems to me that both your head and heart
    are telling you the same thing - that perhaps it's time to let
    go of the relationship with your husband and move on to a relation-
    ship that means more to who you are now.
    
    I say that your head is telling you that because of the facts you 
    gave about your husband:
    you split after nineteen years (not something one would do lightly),
    although you maintained contact nothing seemed to change,
    when he found a new love interest he behaved coolly towards you and
    said you were no longer part of his life.  The facts as you've
    given them do not lead a dispassionate observer to think you
    really want to go back to him, nor, that there is any reason you
    should. 
    
    I think it is natural that you would have friendly,
    even loving, feelings to him after sharing so much of your lives
    together, but those feelings might not be enough to maintain
    the relationship. 
    
    Also, I would be uncomfortable with the fact that he is more
    eager for reconciliation since his other relationship broke up
    and since knowing you have someone else.  You wouldn't want him
    to be motivated primarily from need and jealousy - not that he 
    necessarily is,  but in the current situation it's hard to rule those out.
    
    Good luck.
    
    Sue 
    

		My advice is to give yourself time to make the decision and
	also see who cares enough, understands enough, and trusts enough 
	to give you what you need NOW, he's also probably the one who can
	give you what you need LATER. You've said your not sure what you want
	and need. You've said you don't want to hurt anyone. You've said 
	you need some time, that you're not ready to break off either 
	realtionship yet. Seem's like the problem's in their court right
	now. You've said what you need, is either or both of them willing
	to understand and respect your needs even if it hurts????
 

    You might want to consider getting some counseling around this 
    important issue. 
    					- Vick

    I side with .4

    
    I think that in your position I would be wary of my husband's motives,
    given that when he had a relationship of his own he wasn't interested,
    and now that he hasn't and you have, he is.  This actually happened to
    my husband when I first started going out with him.  He had split up
    with his fiancee (who he lived with) about eight months before meeting
    me.  During that time she had moved someone else in to their house, and
    while he was upset about that, she was wholly unsympathetic.
    
    Unfortunately for us that relationship ended and ours had begun, and
    suddenly her interest in him was rekindled.  She used to phone him up
    asking him out, telling him her problems, filling him in on trivial
    family news etc, even though he told her he'd met someone else and wasn't 
    interested.  She would go round to see a mutual friend and cry, saying
    the "splitting up with Andy was the worst mistake I ever made" even
    though for the last few months of their relationship they near enough
    hated each other.  Our friend was sure it was just because she wasn't
    happy in a relationship and couldn't bear to think that he was happy,
    and not still pining over her.
    
    Eventually she started getting nasty in the face of his refusals to see
    her, taunting him that I must "have him on a lead" etc.  The last time
    we heard from her was just after she found out that we'd got engaged,
    when she sent a carrier bag full of old photos of the two of them
    together, cards he'd sent her, present, letters, god-knows-what round
    to our house.  That was her parting shot.
    
    All this took place over about eight months, and I was really upset by
    the whole thing.  I can fully understand your new boyfriend not liking
    the fact that you still see your husband.  I would have *hated* it. 
    Even though Andy refused to see her, he would still chat amicably on
    the phone, and I used to ask things like "why do you even speak to her 
    after the things she's said".  His reason was that he was afraid she'd
    get even nastier if he refused to even speak to her (and he was
    *engaged* to this girl??).
    This sort of experience does nothing for your sense of security and
    well-being - I spent alot of the time arguing with myself ... of course 
    he loves me - but then again, if he does, why does he still talk to her?  
    What if he decides "better the devil you know" and goes back? etc etc ...
    
    I can't say whether or not your husband really wants you back or not,
    but I can tell you that I know what it's like to be in your boyfriend's
    shoes, and it's not nice.  IMO, if you are going to continue to see your
    husband you should break it off with your boyfriend.  No matter what he
    says, I'm sure he's in agonies every time you see your husband,
    wondering if tonight might be the night he persuades you to go back to
    him.  *Please* for all your sakes, try to make a decision on this soon.
    
    Good luck.
    
    Sam
    

    I agree with .7 (Sam).  I've been there too.  The agony of being unsure
    of your SO and your place in their life as compared to the
    ex-husband/wife/SO is something I never want to relive again as long as
    I live.
    
    I think your ex is using you, but that's just my opinion.  He totaly
    blew you off when he had a girlfriend and now comes rushing back when
    he gets dumped or the relationship didn't work out.  Don't go for the
    security.  You've been on your own all this time and you've survived. 
    It might be more difficult but in the long run it's less stressful and
    healthier mentally.
    
    Tammi

    I also was in a situation like this.....the hardest part is making a
    decision.........but for me.........I put behind the old.......and
    started with a new life and a new person.  
    
    
    Jackie
    
    P.S.  "Love is better the second time around"  is REALLY True!
    

    Anon, take your time about deciding how to resolve the situation. You may
    feel as if you have to choose one relationship or the other, but think
    carefully about doing so.  If either of these men seems to be putting
    pressure on you to decide, that may be an indication about the future of
    your relationship with him.
    
    It sounds as though your husband is comfortable with remaining 'just
    friends'.  I've been in your boyfriend's shoes -- I can understand how he
    might feel jealous and angry.
    
    Bob