Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    Dear Basenoter,
    
    Did you ask me to post your note because you consciously remembered my
    SO, Tim, is fourteen years younger than I, or because you *sub*consciously
    remembered it?  :-)
    
    Naturally, my advice is:  You've got your motivations straight, so don't
    sweat it.
    
    						Ann B.

Dear Anon,

If your mother's approval is the only thing holding you back, consider
a few things:

Your mother doesn't have to live with this new person, you do. I can 
understand your wanting approval from your mother, but in this case, 
you may not get it. Or you may not get it for a long time.

It seems possible to me that even with someone closer to your age, 
something could happen to take that person away from you. You could
break up. One of you could be hit by a bus. Yes, this new person could
die before you do (or you could die before they do), but would that 
invalidate the time you had together?

Do you love this person? Do you want to spend time with them?
If so, go for it! And enjoy!



Liz

    RE: .2 - ditto.  

    He sounds just like my (wonderful) Garrick (I'm still in a good mood
    from writing 1005.18) - go for it! - except Garrick's only 20.
    
    If you love him, keep him. I would. I would not let _anything_ - even
    age - come between myself and Garrick.
    
    Alice T.
    
    PS. My mother practically hates Garrick. That's her problem, not mine
    (and I don't mean to sound cold about it).

    If you are happy, and he feels right, and the only problems you have
    noticed so far is that your Mom doesn't approve and that you (or she)
    fears he will die first and hurt you....
    
    Ignore the problems.  Life is full of problems.  But life is not full
    of wonderful (potential) partners who can share the problems and double
    the joys.  When good stuff happens, go for it, and enjoy it.
    
    I am 10 years older than my spouse and I have very close friends,
    married now for 14 years, and the husband is 17 years older than the
    wife.  They are a great couple!  Age difference in years does not seem
    to be as much a problem as age difference in spirits/needs/personality.

As you know only too well, nobody knows what the future holds. Nobody
knows how long anyone will live or die, whatever their age. Nobody knows how
long happiness and love will.last. 

Happiness is too important to let it slip by you because of something that is 
essentially inconsequential. Don't let age society's preconceived notions of 
"correct ages." rob you of happiness. Don't let your mother's doubts, which 
come from her internal feelings, rob you of your happiness. She is not living 
your life.

You have lived with death. If you marry your lover, and he dies at age 60, you 
will, if you are lucky, have had 13 wonderful years. If you don't marry your 
lover, and he dies at age 60, you will have had 13 years that may not have been
so wonderful. Looking back today, would you have chosen not to have known your 
former SO?

By all means discuss your mother's feelingas, and your feelings, with her, 
but you are the one making ther decision. Discuss them with your boyfriend, if
you haven't done so already. He must know you have some doubts. You two are 
the ones who must make the decision.

Go with your heart. Listen to your inner feelings. Put yourself first, your
boyfriend second, and your mother a very, very distant third. Do what is best 
for you. Life is short and nasty. Happiness is elusive. Enduring love is very 
hard to find. Grab it when you can.

Good luck. I wish you the best. Please keep us informed. 

Bruce

Sounds much to good pass up, especially when there's no real 
reason!

I say go for it ... and have fun. Can anyone really ask for more?

--Lillian

    Dear Anon,
    
    My brother's wife died of cancer 2 1/2 years ago leaving him with 4
    children under the age of 12.  He remarried about a year later -- yes,
    some folks were horrified by the short time period.  He was 37, his new
    wife 52.  Her son is only 6 years younger than my brother.  Among the
    things that people said to her was that she was selfish to marry him
    because she would die and leave him and the kids again.  Dave's
    attitude is that the happiness in-between will more than outweigh that 
    pain.  By the way, Lynn is the BEST thing that ever could have happened 
    to him and those kids.
    
    I understand your mother's concerns but sounds to me like you need to
    do what feels right in your heart of hearts!
    
    Polly
                                           
    

You have an opportunity for happiness.  You have some fears as well.
Allow yourself to take the opportunity.

Dan

From 1015.23 Suburb::ThomasH

>	If you convince yourself that something is hopeless, then you will 
>	probably be hopeless at it.
>
>	If you decide you really want something, and go for it, you'll 
>	probably get it.

From 1021.41 "Desiderata"

>		       Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in
>    sudden misfortune, but  do not distress yourself with imaginings. 
>    Many fears are born of fatigue and  loneliness.

    
    I've dated people from 18 to 45, and the real catch is how you FEEL
    with them.  Do they feel like you've got a similar way of looking at
    life, level of maturity, are there sparks, common interests, and does a
    relationship "feel right" innately?
    
    Those are the questions I ask myself.....
    
    -Jody

    A lot of people in this country emphasize similarity of interests and
    traits, tastes, hobbies, etc. as being a necessary condition for a
    successful relationship. I think that's a lot of B.S. put out by
    insecure people who are fearful of everything a little different. The
    most interesting and exciting relationships I've ever had were with
    women who were very different from me. So some of them didn't last many
    many years ! Big deal: they were wonderful !
    
    I think the most important thing is that flutter you feel when you see
    your beloved, that overpowering desire to spend your time with that
    person getting to know how she reacts to everything and being enchanted
    by her very presence. That feeling is so unique, nothing else comes
    close to it.

    
    
    I agree with those who say that if it feels right, go for it, but I
    would add this:  
    
    Be aware that there may be some issues that come up because of this age
    difference -- almost years!  Everyone I've ever been seriously involved
    with has been quite a bit older than me, and I spent a lot of energy
    (in some earlier relationships) denying that there were any problems,
    or even any differences.  I tried to erase those parts of myself that
    were different, that were younger.  In my current relationship, I try
    to acknowledge the differences (there's 12 years between us).  I am
    younger.  There are things I don't remember that are a part of her 
    experience and memories.    There are also some things that I haven't 
    done yet but would like to, and because I've been honest with myself and 
    with my sweetie about what I need (when I'm actually able to figure
    that out :-), I feel so much better than I ever did before when I was 
    trying to make my partner (and me!) forget how much younger I was.
    
    So....  my advice is -- follow your feelings, and go for it if that
    feels right, but don't stop paying attention to what you're feeling 
    just because you've decided to get involved.  Also, even though it
    sounds like you've done most of your grieving for your huge loss,
    remember that it has been a long time since you had a romantic
    relationship, and give yourself lots of time before you make any big
    decisions (like marriage, living together, etc.)  
    
    Hope you're having some fun after doing all this hard work and after
    feeling so sad for such a long time!
    
    Justine  
                                        

    re.11
    You make quite a bold statement in your opening and one that I'll
     disagree with.  I don't think society implants similarity in interests
    and hobbies as the main criteria for a successful relationship.
     Some of this happens by default.  Think about it, what's your
    potential market for mates.  Most of your market are made up of
    people much like yourself.  Way back in school, those kids came
    from your same neighborhood.
   
    As once upon a time working as an interviewer for a dating service,
    I've heard more often than not, people describe their ideal to be
    much like they've described themselves.
    
    If you perfer dating women that are different than you, I'd say
    you enjoy variety and perhaps a little excitement or intrique in
    life and most certainly would not be attracted to women that did
    not appreciate your traits as well.  
    
    When most persons say successful relationship, I think we all assume
    safely that they mean "for the long haul" and not for mere dating
    purposes or for how long their mate entices them as you desire.
    
    True, we all enjoy the "in love" feeling; it makes us feel wonderful!
    but I guess when we choose the path for which to travel, it all
    boils down to what we define as "successful" relationship.  Personally,
    I want to travel this path together w/my mate, whether side by side
    or not, but the same path indeed.  I will bypass the "flutter" for
    companionship and real love of a life long husband.  
    
    That's what this basenoter has to decide and that's why she's
    contemplating.
    
    
    

    I'd go for the chemistry, too.  Nothing else matters.  Nothing.
    
    Well, maybe money.  ;^>
    
    Only kidding.
    
    Sandy

    RE. .13
    I never said anything about "society...implanting..." anything. And the
    view that you only meet people "from your school" is so provincial as
    to be laughable. What happens in those cases is that people get into
    permanent type of relationships way too early, which is another problem
    (early pregnancies, etc.)
    
    I agree that chemistry is very important although it's no guarantee of
    permanence, fidelity or reciprocity. If it were, this world would be a
    paradise !

    re.15
    Take a chill pill, relax...I'm not attacking your views, however
    I am disagreeing with some of them.
    
    A society is made up people that hold like views!  "Emphazing as
    necessary" implied to me as implanting or encouraging.  "Excuse
    me" if I misinterpreted.  And, no you do not only meet people from
    your school nor did I state that that was the only way.  But, as an
    example of how in reality we really are exposed to persons very
    much as ourselves with similar backrounds and the like.  Of course,
    this is not the only way and it was not intended to mean that this
    is a cause for too early marriages doomed for failure.  By the way,
    early pregnacies is not a result of early marriages but most often
    the cause of early marriages and the lack of pregnacy prevention
    methods.              
    
    Unless you actively seek and desire to meet persons from different
    backrounds and interests, more than likely you will take up with
    a person much similar to yourself, in social status, culture, etc.
     I don't think it's actual fear that one has from "different" but
    more of remaining in a compatible zone with a partner.  Otherwise,
    it takes a hell of lot of understanding from both commited partners
    to accept each others differences.
    
    And, of course, nothing in this world is guaranteed!!except death.
                                      

    re.13
    
    Also, way back in school: as in now you're in the present but a
    time ago when you were in school.  That's way back, not to imply
    that you marry while in school.
    
    If you jump the gun, the bullet is bound to beat you!

    My best friend is 28, her husband is 54, they have been
    married for 6 years and their daughter is 5.
    
    They both have different interests and spend time persuing them, but
    they also spend time together as a couple and as a family doing things
    together. 
    Personally, I don't think the different interest side of it has
    anything to do with age. My husband and I have different interests,
    he's 29 and I'm 24.
    
    Also, as friends of ours, they are the best ! We see them 2-3 times a
    week and thoroughly enjoy their company.
    
    Another example, my mother-in-law is 65, my father-in-law is 88. 
    We all know that it is very likely that my father-in-law will pass away
    first, but they celebrate their 41st wedding anniversary next month !
    
    Is it honestly worth forfieting an unknow number of years happiness
    just for the fear of your boyfriend passing away first ?