| Title: | Topics of Interest to Women |
| Notice: | V3 is closed. TURRIS::WOMANNOTES-V5 is open. |
| Moderator: | REGENT::BROOMHEAD |
| Created: | Thu Jan 30 1986 |
| Last Modified: | Fri Jun 30 1995 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 1078 |
| Total number of notes: | 52352 |
The following is being entered anonymously for a member of our
community. Should you desire to repond via mail, replies should be sent
to me to forward.
Regards,
Ann Johnston [=wn= comod]
================================================================================
I would like some input on putting back together a troubled
relationship. Thanks in advance for your responses.
The facts.... I've just discovered that my wife - G - has been having
an affair. We have been married for 14 years. Never a tranquil
relationship, things got very strained during the last 4 years. The
causes are many - the sheer exhaustion that for us came with the 2
wonderful children we had during this time - my difficulties in
managing the stress of a new career and too-frequent job changes -
tight money situation - anger on my part over accelerating alcohol
abuse by G. I must shoulder a lot of the reponsibility as under the
best of cuircumstances, I am not a great communicator. With
adversity, I tend to withdraw into a shell and become pretty grumpy
and no-fun. Although I am an excellent father that loves his children
as much as possible, it's taken me a while (too long) to
process-through resentment over the changes that have come with being
a parent. Gone are the days when we could afford - money and energy
levels - frequent weekend getaways.
What's brought this to a head is my discovery that G has been having an
affair. I don't think that relationship could supplant ours but I
clearly am facing the fact that our relationship is in the hopper.
I love G. She's a special person - a great mother - we complement each
other well in the ways we enjoy our world. I want a relationship with
G - but a healthy one. The task of rebuilding seems insurrmountable -
becoming partners again, supporting each other, relearning how to have
fun together, rekindling the passion (our sex life has been poor since
the children came) - overcoming the resentment and anger (her alcohol
problem and affair are 2 wounds that I must heal).
I believe that couple counselling is one necessary step. Beyond advice
about steps to take for the healing process, I guess I'm looking for
reassurance that with the will, it's possible to return from the
brink. Has anyone been in my boat and returned it to seaworthiness?
| T.R | Title | User | Personal Name | Date | Lines |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1006.1 | If you want it to, it'll work! | HAMPS::HAWKINS_B | Wed Aug 28 1991 12:44 | 8 | |
If you both want it badly enough - you'll get there.
I've know a couple in similar circumstances who both took stock,
realised they wanted each other still and worked at it. It was hard
for them for a little while, but they learned a lot about themselves
and each other and have been very happy together since.
Good luck and take care.
| |||||
| 1006.2 | MR4DEC::MAHONEY | Wed Aug 28 1991 15:48 | 9 | ||
If my husband ever betrays me with another woman... it will the END of
our marriage and our EVERYTHING we ever had in common! I cannot
conceive a marriage without faith and trust, I could never trust a
person who willingly hurt me (as an affair is nothing a person does
against one's will, the person knows mighty well what is going on...)
It still might work for you, I know it would never work for me.
Ana
| |||||
| 1006.3 | Me too | ICS::MCDONOUGHS | Thu Aug 29 1991 10:56 | 7 | |
My situation is very similar to the author of the basenote, except
there has been no affair. We were married twenty years, have 2
children, and I think my husband is an alcoholic too. We separated
two months ago. I am interested in any advice about rebuilding the
relationship, even though I'm not sure there is anything left to "fix".
Susan
| |||||
| 1006.4 | Hard, but it can be done. | REGENT::BROOMHEAD | Don't panic -- yet. | Thu Aug 29 1991 11:54 | 31 |
This note is being entered anonymously as a reply to the basenoter.
Ann B.
comod
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Basenoter,
If you both want your marriage to work, I think you can survive her
having had an affair. I say this because my wife and I are doing just
that. (My affair, not hers.) It's hard. Very hard. Trust is
difficult where trust has been violated so brutally, but we are talking
a lot, working it through, MAKING it work. We are making a new
beginning. I can't get back the time I wasted, the things that might
have been, but I can do my best to reclaim what CAN be.
I think your biggest problem in making a new beginning with your wife
is her alcohol problem. If she is dependent on alcohol, everything she
says and does will be colored by that dependence.
Get counseling if she's willing. She may have to get counseling alone
before you can get couples or group counseling. I'm in counseling now,
and we will go together when my counselor thinks it's time.
You should expect your kids to be extra needy, too. Kids aren't dumb.
They pick up on things like this, and even if they don't know what is
going on they will know there's something wrong. But you should try to
get yourselves some time away from the kids, anyway. Find a way, any
way, to be alone together. And don't feel guilty about neglecting
them. If you're not right with each other you can't be right with your
kids.
| |||||
| 1006.5 | SSGV01::MCGUIRE | Thu Aug 29 1991 18:02 | 5 | ||
Al-Anon is a fellowship for anyone whose quality of life has been
affected by the alcohol use of another. It can provide support and
information that may be of great help in sorting out the pieces here.
Meetings are confidential; I located one by calling the AA number
in my area phone book. Good luck.
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