Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    =wn= 362 has a discussion of the orientation/sexual activity that you
    may find helpful
    
      Annie

    Dear anon,
    
    Toughie.  I can't really offer advice (and I don't think anyone can)
    but I throw off some thoughts - take what you will.
    
    Why do you want to know if you are 100% heterosexual or not?  Does it
    really matter?  Is it just intellectual curiosity or something deeper
    than that?  After all, if your intent is to spend the rest of your life
    with your fiance, and never interact sexually with another person, then
    your orientation doesn't much affect your behavior.
    
    Why do you feel thoughts of another person are adulterous?  I think it
    might be possible for people to spend their entire lives with one
    sexual partner in deed; I don't think it is possible to spend your
    whole like with one sexual partner in thought.  That sounds a little
    extreme.  You aren't married yet, so I am guessing that you haven't
    been with your fiance more than a couple of years, and you are young;
    if so, then the length of your marriage will be many, many times longer
    than the time you have spent together so far - do you really think
    that, during those many years, you will never once even *think* about
    sex with another person?  That strikes me as unrealistic.
    
    The point is that you *are* thinking about sex with another person. I
    think that's inevitable.  thinking about it doesn't mean you have to
    act on it.  I've thought about robbing banks, about killing people,
    about quitting my job and moving to Tahiti...but I've never done any of
    those things, nor do I have any *real* desire too.  But sometimes they
    make for fun or releasing fantasies.  So don't beat yourself up over
    thoughts that are beyond your control!  it doesn't make you a bad
    person, and it doesn't make you unfaithful.
    
    You fiance might be threatened by those thoughts.  I can't advise
    whether to tell him or not, because that depends so much on the nature
    of your relationship.  But if you do, assure him that it is not an
    intent to act, nor dissatisfaction with him...thoughts come and go,
    without our control.  Fantasy does not mean desire to make fantasies a
    reality.
    
    As for the feelings you get from the woman, enjoy them!  (I'm guessing
    that you went to a female massuese and experienced this?)  If what you
    are doing isn't sexual in nature, then you are blameless!
    
    Good luck,
    D!

    Nerve endings are notorious traitors.  They don't care what our
    minds want; they feel what they feel.  They report to the brain.
    If the brain is used to that sort of report, the sensation crosses
    that oh-so fuzzy mind-brain barrier without ambiguity -- and you
    either find yourself at peace or of `two minds' about the report.
    
    						Ann B.

    This is being entered anonymously in response to the base note.
    
    						Ann B.
    						comod
    
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    I'm not brave enough to put my name on this, but it's true and if it can
    help you, that's good.  If you want to contact me, maybe Ann Broomhead
    will send your mail on to me.
    
    It's natural to feel concerned and to question when you think you might
    be having feelings for another of your sex after you've been convinced
    you're hetero through and through.
    
    Wanting to share with your SO is good, but you need to know what's real
    for you before you do. You could really mess things up unless you can
    answer all his questions completely and know that what you are saying
    is real and honest for you. If the woman that touched you was your
    therapist, you might want to switch therapists. Not to get away from
    her but to find out what's happening in your mind without her there to
    cloud the issue. If the person that touched you wasn't your therapist,
    you might want to find a therapist to talk to.
    
    I used to think I was 100% hetero, straight as an arrow and all that
    junk. Now I know different.
    
    I'm a married straight man in my 40's. I met N when I was 17. I knew
    him for 25 years until he died of cancer. He was such a kind, generous,
    witty, compassionate, loving, and thoroughly lovable man that I grew to
    love him. It was very natural when he kissed me, and what followed was
    natural and beautiful even though it was scary as hell. We didn't
    become lovers, but we shared an intimacy that I wouldn't have missed
    for the world. What mattered to us wasn't what sex we were but what we
    felt for each other as people.
     
    My relationship with N didn't mess up my marriage or anything else
    in my life.  It made me a better person.
    
     Good luck. This is a confusing time in your life. I hope you can get it
     sorted out.

I can't tell you, either, what this means in regards to your sexual orientation.
I might be able to make an educated guess if I knew more what this woman's
relationship is to you, and how you were touched.

Thoughts that come to mind:
1) If she is in a "power" relationship over you, like if she is a therapist
or doctor, then it is very common to have these feelings, no matter what
orientation you are.  As long as she isn't trying to start a sexual 
relationship with you, you should be okay.  If it is a therapist, she has
probably heard all of this before, and if she is a good therapist, then she
can help you work this out.

2) If she is a masseuse, then it also probably doesn't matter what orientation
you are.  With the right touch, most people can get turned on by anyone,
especially if they are already relaxed.

3) If you are really concerned over this, I understand.  "Society" puts a 
large stigma on bisexuals and lesbians/gay_men.  I want to reassure you,
though, that the reality is typically much better than what your natural
fear would lead you to think.  Although "society" doesn't like me because
I am a lesbian, I still have many, many people who treat me very well,
including (but not limited to) my family, my coworkers, and my neighbors.
All of these people know my orientation, and although I was fearful as I
came out to each of them, it has turned out well.

One of the things you will have to determine, is what your real feelings
are toward your fiance.  If you love him romantically, and really do want
to be his wife (assuming a monogamous relationship) then as D! said, 
your orientation will not be affecting your actions.  At least then you
would not have to worry about society's reaction unless you *chose* to
tell someone.

If you examine your feelings about your fiance and are not sure if you really
want to be married to him, then take some time to reevaluate.  Be good to
yourself.  Build up a support network of people who will support you no
matter what you discover about yourself.  And be kind to yourself.  Be loving.

This is a good time to look into these things about yourself - *before* you
are married.  Don't worry about adultery yet. Take the time to go slowly and
learn about *you*.  The time will be well spent, and if you still end up
marrying your fiance, then it will be well spent for him, too. 

Whether to tell him or not is a good question.  I would suggest waiting 
until you know some more of the answers. 

Bless you.  Please keep us updated.

     Carol

    Reply to .0, Anon,
    
    I think it's entirely ok to have emotional and sexual feelings for
    members of your gender. 
    
    While many people accept the monosexual model I think that humans are
    by nature bisexual at birth and socially aculturated to the monosexual
    model later.
    
    Be that what it may, you can probably tell your lover how you felt. The
    trick is not to let him think the relationship is threatened by your
    experience.
    
    If you simply must tell your lover, then do it by degree. A little hint
    here and there about your experience may be useful to break him in
    slowly.

Dear Anon,

I simply can't imagine better words for you than Carol's.  I would just
like to add that I feel for your situation and would lend any support I
can.

Barb

Carol - how absolutely beautiful...

    
    Re: .0
    
    > I'd like to know whether it means I'm not 100% heterosexual

    I think what it really means is that you are experiencing something
    that a lot of women who think of themselves as heterosexual have
    experienced.   I'm a married woman who has, at times, felt attracted to
    women in a way that feels the same as it feels with men.  It helps to
    know that there are others who have felt similar things.  And it isn't
    necessary to put a label on yourself anyway.

    You know, with your eyes closed it can be tough to tell if a touch is
    from a male or female.  Consider if you blindfolded a heterosexual
    person and told them they were going to be touched by a member of the
    opposite sex.  And then you pulled a switcheroo on 'em.  Could they
    become sexually aroused?  Sure.  Does it mean anything about their
    orientation?  Not much.

    > in my mind, such feelings constituted a form of adultery

    > If I had thought about making love to another man, I would also regard
    > that as a form of adultery.

    It actually hurts me to hear this.  You're not alone in these beliefs,
    but believing this will hurt you more than it will help you. I can tell
    you right now, you are probably not going to make it through life
    without thinking about making love to another person and neither is
    your future husband.  But, thoughts and feelings are not actions.
    It is NOT adultery to think about it or even to desire it.
    
    When I was in college I actually sought counseling from a clergyman,
    because I was looking at certain parts of men's bodies and thinking of
    the things I would like to do with them.  I thought I was this awful,
    sinful, promiscuous person because I had "lusted in my heart".  His
    response was that every normal red-blooded person has thoughts and
    feelings like that and don't worry about it.  He was right.  I can look
    back on this now and laugh at how silly I sounded, but it was very
    serious at the time.

    > I want to tell him, but I don't know how

    My take is that you might want to wait until you know more about how
    you really feel about it all.  And also, you don't have any obligation
    to tell him now or ever.  Tell him when and if you feel ready.  I
    didn't tell my husband that I had had feelings of attraction to women
    until I'd known him for ten years.
    
    Mary

I think very few people are 100% "anything". I also think you will need to 
evolve your view of what constitutes adultery or you will lead a guilt-ridden
life. It's your actions that count, not your thoughts. 

You do need to figure this out "before" the marriage. I have a friend whose
spouse decided (after 2 children and 8 years of marriage) that they weren't
heterosexual afterall. The emotional effect was devastating to both. Our culture
tends to force those who are on the fence over into the hetero camp. Even when
that's not where they want to be, and marriage is sometimes used to "prove" you
are normal. liesl

    Here is a reply from the basenoter.
    
    						Ann B., comod
    
***************************************************************************

I'd like to take this chance to reply to my 8 "replies" that I've had so far.
Thanks very much - you've been a great encouragement already. I feel less
unsure of myself, but still a little nervous about telling my fiance.
Nevertheless, I still intend to. 

Re .2

The reason I want to know if I am "100% heterosexual" is not out of
distaste for anything "less". It is simply a desire to know myself. It's the
feeling that I'm not the same as I thought I was yesterday, if you know
what I mean. It's like, those feelings weren't really the me that I knew.

But you're right, orientation won't affect the way I feel about my fiance. 
That was reassuring.

Also, thank-you for the distinction between fantasies and genuine desires.
If what I had felt was a genuine desire for that person (rather than simply
liking the way they felt) then I think I would have reason to doubt the
strength of my feelings towards my fiance. We've been together three-and-a-
half years: I think I know the strength of my feelings.

Re .3

You're right! It was my body that felt these things, physically, not my
mind feeling them, emotionally. That short reply of yours was _very_
helpful!

Re .4

Thank-you for that personal insight. It, too, helped. It helped me realise
that any sort of feelings and emotions can come from any individual. In a
way, whatever comes of this experience, it's good that it gave me a chance
to think seriously about understanding the way I feel about and communicate
with people around me. And I also realise that positive consequences can 
come from nerve-racking experiences (like the way it made you "a better
person"). Perhaps it will result in me becoming more broad-minded.

Re .5

When I read your last couple of paragraphs, about learning about myself (I
have no worries about my relationship with my fiance) I became scared. I'm
not at all sure why. What did you mean by discovering/learning about
myself, I mean in practical terms? What, practically, would it involve?
What do you suggest I do? I feel lost in these concepts. I don't know why.
In the last couple of years, I have learnt more about politics, and found
that I, too, have views to be made known, and I have found them gradually,
but definitely moving away from the conservative views of my fiance. Yet he
was not antagonistic. He supported my "self-education" and gave me whatever
information he could to help me learn (and - and I admire him for this -
he was extremely unbiased in that process). Is that the type of thing you
mean? That was directed largely by my studies, so I don't know how "self-
discovery" could take place in this new, different aspect of my life. Got
any hints?

Re .6

Thank-you for your confidence in my ability to handle this conversation
with my fiance! 8-) It did boost _my_ confidence a bit too! And you can be
sure that I feel _nothing_ will threaten my relationship with him! I get
the old solid, permanent feeling with him (that I've never felt since the
clicheed first love aged 13!! 8-)).

Re .8

Thanks for your encouragement. And tell me - I feel ignorant and naive that 
I don't know - how do I avoid giving myself a label? Thanks also for your
encouragement from your clergyman: there was partly a religious influence
on my feelings of adultery. Excuse me for asking, but how did you tell your
husband about your feelings, and how did he react (don't answer if you 
don't want to - or you could mail me if you want (through the mod), but I
think it would help to know how someone else handled it)?

Re all!

Anyway, here's a bit(?) of an update. He visited me for the weekend, and I
had no self-consciousness to get between us! I did not tell him. I am going 
to visit him on Friday evening for the weekend, and I intend to tell him then 
if I can, but I recognise the fact that there is no urgency. I do not intend 
to tell him as soon as I see him!, but perhapsthe next day: that may be easier. 
And I've thought of a way to bring it up(perhaps):
    
Last summer, he had an accident (he fell down a cliff! the little boy!! 8-)
which resulted in him going to hospital, and having one testicle removed.
(The operation happened before I had a chance to visit, but, believe it or
not, it hit me harder than him!) We will still be able to have children,
though, luckily. After a short while, the thought struck me that he would
have had nurses touching him, and he said yes, there had been 18 female
nurses in all (EIGHTEEN! can you believe it!!). And I refused to think
about it or let him talk about it.

Now, my experience has made me accept that. I will tell him that I don't 
mind anymore. He felt awkward about those women, just as I feel awkward
this one. So I can tell him I now know the feeling, and I can tell him why.
He never said whether he had been turned on by them (probably because I
didn't let him), but you're right - if he did, it was inevitable: nerve 
endings are blind! So I think I can tell him.

	Wish me luck everyone! And tell me before Friday if you think
there's anything I should add to that statement to him (apart from the
obvious, of course: that I haven't changed in my feelings towards him).

   Dear Anon,

   You have experienced something and it has expanded your view of the
   world.  To my way of thinking that is a wonderful thing. Good luck.
   	
   Peace,
   Allison

                                                           

<When I read your last couple of paragraphs, about learning about myself (I
<have no worries about my relationship with my fiance) I became scared. I'm
<not at all sure why. 
<What did you mean by discovering/learning about
<myself, I mean in practical terms? What, practically, would it involve?
<What do you suggest I do? I feel lost in these concepts. I don't know why.

This is very individual, and I'm afraid I won't be able to help much here.
Many gay people go through what you are going through when they first start
to realize that they are attracted to people of the same sex.  Many *bisexual*
people also go through this.  What *I* think you should know about yourself,
before getting married to anyone, is whether you can be emotionally fulfilled
by a person of that sex, or if true emotional fulfillment for you comes from
your own sex.  

If you find that you are as fulfilled with a woman as you are with a man, or 
if you find out that you are less than fulfilled with a woman than you are 
with a man, then you are probably just fine in your current relationship.  
Great!  That's what you needed to know.  

However, if you find that you are more fulfilled with a woman,
then you might do both yourself and your fiance a disservice by marrying him.
From what you have said, the chances are that your relationship with your
fiance is just fine for both of you.  I cannot be the judge of that; you can,
though, and I will take your word for it.  I am only concerned that you are
happy, long term.  I have known many people who have gotten married to 
someone of the opposite sex, only to find out years later that although
they may have felt okay about that person, they really didn't *love*
that person as much as they had the capacity to love.  They didn't *know*
that they could love as much as they were really capable of, because the only
types of people that they had ever allowed feelings for were those of the
opposite sex.  Once they accepted that they were attracted to people of the
same sex, they started realizing that they had actually been starving
themselves all of this time, and their heart just overflowed with love for the
right person of the *same* sex. 

This may not be you.  This may not even be close to where you are, and what
is inside of you.  I suggested that you learn about yourself, though, so you
would *know* whether this was true of you or not.

How to know this?  When I first started realizing this about myself, I started
by seeing if I was attracted to any *other* women, besides the one who first
turned me on.  I didn't notice any others at first, but I kept my eyes open
for telltale signs.  Did my heart flutter over the attentions of a particular
women?  Did I get excited over a particular actress, in the same way that maybe
I got excited over a particular actor?  In addition to stuff like that, I 
started spending time among women that I thought might be lesbians.  I hung
out a little at my college's women's center.  Later, I started attending a
church which was mostly gay.  The more lesbians I got to know, the less 
scared I was, and the less pressure I put on myself.  I didn't have to sleep
with the first woman I met in order to find out if I was really attracted
to women.  I found out quick that I was *not* attracted to most women!
(just as most straight women are not attracted to most men!)  After a while,
I became attracted to a very nice woman, and I became sexually involved.

You will have to discover yourself in your own way.  You do not have to become
sexually active with a woman to learn whether you are attracted to women.
Most heterosexual women don't become sexually active with men first before
figuring out that they are attracted to men.  Whether you are interested
in meeting lesbians, or in kissing a woman, or in sleeping with one, or
whatever, is up to you.

If you choose not to pursue this now, if it scares you too much, that is
your choice.  However, if you really are attracted to women, it may very
well come up in the years to come, perhaps when you are married and have
small children.  It is easier to take the time to learn about yourself now.
If you discover that you really are comfortable with your fiance, then
your relationship with him will be strengthened, and you will both gain.
If you find that you really are not as fulfilled with your fiance as
you had thought, then you will both gain as well, although it will probably
be painful in the beginning.

Whatever you decide to do, and whatever you learn, you should accept yourself.
There is nothing wrong with loving women, and there is nothing wrong with
loving men.  The *most* important thing, is that you love *you*.

    > how do I avoid giving myself a label?
    
    You asked a good question.  My first reaction was I don't know, I just
    do it.  But after thinking about it for a while, I'd have to say if a
    person thinks about sexual orientation as discrete compartments with
    rigid definitions about who fits into which one then its hard to avoid
    labeling.  But for me, I don't think of it in terms of 100% black or
    white, its just shades of gray and it just isn't important for me to
    pinpoint exactly which shade of gray I am as long as I know what I feel
    I don't have to label or classify what I feel. After all I'm unique, no
    one else feels exactly the way I do, so in that sense there's no one
    else in my category.
    
    > how did you tell your husband about your feelings, and how did he react
    
    My situation is quite different from yours in that I became aware of
    the feelings and came to feel comfortable about them long before I even
    met my husband.  I didn't tell him because it just wasn't an issue for
    me.  I ended up telling him only because I became curious to know if
    he had any such feelings so I asked him if he ever found men
    attractive, he said "No", and then I shared my feelings with him.
    There was no particular reaction on his part that I can recall,
    but then Walter is the kind of guy that if the house was on fire
    would react by saying "Okay, well I guess I better mosey on outta
    here."
    
    Mary

...for me, at least.

I've thought about it a lot, and I haven't told Ann Broomhead of this
decision, but I'm sure she'll pick right up on it.

I've come to the conclusion that one of the replies in this string
could be more meaningful to some people here if they know who wrote it.
I'm scared as hell to say this, but I'm the anon author of 1005.4.
The N mentioned was my friend Nestor Menocal, who died in 1987.  He
was a crusty old SOB, a great cook, a literate man, and the best male
friend I've ever had.

-d

re: .4 and .14

    What mattered to us wasn't what sex we were but what we
    felt for each other as people.


Thank you for sharing your story, -d.  Your are right, it is
more meaningful (to me, anyway) to know who's story it is.


I guess I have a hard time even understanding the concept that
it could ever be wrong for people to love each other.  Various
societies have made up lots of rules about who it's okay to love,
but most of the rules seem pretty artificial to me.  Is a person's
sex any more relevant than a person's race, religion, class, tribe,
nationality, income, education level, or any of the other things
some people say should create a barrier to loving?  

I don't think there is any quota on how many people a person can
love, either.

Of course, if every one followed my rules, whole genres of literature
and music would cease to make sense.  We wouldn't have any more
tragic stories of star-crossed lovers, or any more cheatin' songs.
I guess it would mean the end of soap operas and country music.

    
    -d
    
    What courage you display!  I fully understand the trepidation
    surrounding such a revelation -- thank you for sharing such a 
    precious, special memory from your life.
    
    This is one =wn= member who is giving you a standing ovation!
    
    Carla
    

    
    
    -d
    
    Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!
    
    I've seen more courage in this notesfile than you would *ever* see on
    any battlefield.
    
    Bravo!
    
    
    Hugs,
    
    Debbi

    Right.
    
    I'm Anon.
    
    Now that I've spoken to Him, I think I'm prepared to tell everyone who
    I am (and who He is!) I'm Alice (as in Alice T.!) and he's my Garrick
    and he's wonderful. You've probably "heard me speak" about him, and
    hopefully some of you will meet him sometime and find out for
    yourselves how wonderful he is (can you tell everything's ok, just by
    the tone of my voice, hm, hm!!)!
    
    Anyway, as I said I would, I went to visit him at the weekend. Friday I
    ignored the issue, Saturday I forgot it and Sunday I remembered it.
    Sunday afternoon, I became a little anxious, because I was determined
    to tell him and I had to leave at 7.30 to catch my train, and I was
    running out of time and I still didn't know what to say.
    
    Well, we'd just finished watching a video, and he went to make a
    coffee, and he came back, sat down with me, and looked at me - and
    then, he noticed I was looking anxious.
    
    "Don't look sad," he said, "I don't like it when you look sad. Come on,
    look happy, don't look sad, smile: eeeeeee."
    
    And I had to laugh. And he said, "Why are you looking sad? You can tell
    me."
    
    I said, "There's something I want to tell you about something, but I
    don't know what to say."
    
    He said, "Is it bad?" And he looked very concerned then. I said, "No, I
    don't think so." (Yeah, I know, I should have been more definite than
    that, shouldn't I?) And he said, "Is it good?" And I said, "I don't
    know - I hope so." And I cried and he hugged me. And I stopped crying
    and said, "I don't mind about your nurses any longer."
    
    And he gave me the biggest grin and hugged me more and said, "That's
    great, thank you for telling me, that's great Alice, I'm so pleased"
    and all that stuff.
    
    And we sat like that a minute or two until I asked him, "Would you like
    to know why I don't mind any more?" And he said yes, and it was
    obviously just out of curiosity, he didn't _have_ to know.
    
    So I told him, "I got to realise how easy it is to be touched by
    someone professional when I went to get my legs waxed the other week."
    (Yes, that's why I never mentioned who it was that touched me, a)
    because I'd mentioned in here that I was getting my legs done for the
    first time a few weeks ago, and b) it sounded silly!) He laughed a bit,
    but understood. He said, "You poor thing, how long have you been
    bottling all this up?" I said, "Four or five weeks." He said, "Well why
    didn't you tell me sooner if it was bothering you, you silly moo?!" I
    said (and it made me cry again), "Because I liked the way I was touched."
    And he smiled and said, "Oh, now never mind, it doesn't matter, that
    sort of thing's bound to happen sometime."
    
    (The order of the conversation's a bit muddled from here on, so I'll
    paraphrase.)
    
    I told him I'd put a note in here looking for reassurances and
    suggetions, and told him how one of the replies made me realise that it
    didn't mean I loved him less, just because I liked the touches, I mean
    _physically_, as I wasn't _emotionally_ involved. I told him, "I
    realised that you had probably felt the same once or twice, or more
    maybe, with the nurses, and it would have been wrong for me to have
    minded about them now, now that I've felt it and understood it." And he
    liked that.
    
    He told me how secure he feels in me, and that no matter who touches
    me, he knows I won't love anyone else. And that's true (just for the
    record).
    
    He hadn't even clicked at this stage that I had been talking about a
    woman touching me. I said (a little flippantly, as we were feeling fine
    now), "The only other time I ever felt like that was in Birmingham, at
    the hairdressers' the chap who washed my hair had nice hands!" and I
    laughed and he laughed, and I said, "But that was different, though."
    And he said, "Different?" And I said, "Yes, well he was male, wasn't
    he?" And he said, "And this person wasn't?" I said, "No, she was a
    Barbadian woman" (and before you say it, no, the race doesn't make any
    difference, that's just what I told him, ok? I don't know why. But she
    did have a very pretty, feminine accent 8-)) And he said, "There, then
    it wasn't even a man, what are you worrying about?!"
    
    I didn't bring up the possibility that I might - just ever so slightly
    - fancy a woman, because, as somebody has already said, I wasn't going
    to go off and fall in love with anyone else - of either gender - now,
    was I? No.! I wasn't. And he knew that, and I knew that, so that's ok.
    
    And I said to him that I'd gotten to realise that if he or I or anyone
    was touched, say, on the back of the leg, that he couldn't tell whether
    the person touching him was me or someone else or male or female, in
    all probability, so it wasn't my fault. And he said, "No, of course
    it's not your fault!" And it was like he couldn't believe I was making
    an issue out of this, he felt so sure of me!! Can you believe that!!
    
    You know, it's made me appreciate him more.
    
    I love him.
    
    We've been engaged nearly a year, and the two of us hadn't even
    celebrated yet, so when I visited him, I decided it was about time we
    did, so I brought him a bottle of Champagne, and he was really touched
    (sorry, no pun intended, but I'm in a good mood, can you tell?).
    
    And I told him later, "No matter how good someone's fingers may feel,
    it won't make me love you less!" And we both laughed. And I felt well
    relieved that I'd told him.
    
    Isn't he wonderful?
    
    And his carefree acceptance of it all didn't make me feel stupid, like
    I was making a mountain out of a molehill. But he seemed glad that I'd
    had a chance to understand what he'd been through a little more.
    
    I said to him, "I felt guilty and wondered if I shouldn't go back for a
    second appointment, or go somewhere else." And he said, "No, you have a
    second appointment, or as many as you want, or need, don't worry about
    that."
    
    Just thought I'd tell you. I feel I want you all to know me (and him.
    Just think of all the people in the world - billions! - who don't know
    him. They're missing out!).
    
    Alice T.

    
    Alice T. -- how wonderful that Garrick is so understanding and
    supportive in the way you need him to be.  Sounds like you two 
    are really in sync.  Congrats to you for mustering the courage 
    to tell him something you felt squishy about, congrats to both
    of you for being objective and open about a new experience.
    
    Hugs to you,
    
    Carla