Conference turris::womannotes-v3

        Why did you hit me?
        Why do you hate me so much?
        Why did you even bother to have children if all you ever
        intended was to destroy them?
        
        Dan

    Why aren't we allowed to ask questions?
    Why did mom fall down last night?
    How did mom get her black eye?
    How come dad is always gone?
    Why can't you love me?
    Why can't you talk to me?
    Why do you want me dead?
    and the same exact questions Dan asked.........
    
    Karen

    Actually, I remember the questions I did ask and got either horrified,
    embarrassed silence, or preposterous answers to, more than the
    questions I was afraid to ask.  For example:
    
    How do people get babies anyway?  Ans.  Nice people don't talk about
    things like that.  A later answer:  First, people have to get married,
    and then they pray and ask God for a baby.  (Okay, odd how that doesn't
    explain the article I just read in True Confessions about the 16 yr.
    old girl who got pregnant...but nevermind)
    
    What are those things? (pointing to a box of sanitary napkins in
    grocery store)  Ans.  Don't *ever* ask anything about those things in
    public or in front of a man or boy again!  (well, excuse me)  I'll tell
    you what they are when your older.
    
    What did you and Dad use for birth control?  Ans.  You *don't* ask
    people things like that!  That's personal!
    
    etc, etc, etc.  (No wonder I'm so damn nosy and have always liked to
    talk about personal things so much....talk about being repressed!)
    
    The only question I never really asked...
    
    Why do you like my brother so much more than me?
    
    (I guess I always knew the answer anyway.)
    
    
    Lorna
    
    

what's the icon for someone brought to tears by what she reads?

(not real serious now) you guys have to stop saying these things, it gets me
so riled up that anyone could get mistreated these ways.  Life is so unfair,
no one deserves to be abused.  I want to be able to bo back and make it 
different for you all, make it didn't happen.

my family, like all families, had/has its interpersonal problems.  But as an 
adult I came to appreciate what good parents I have, and all the things they
did right (there were some they blew it on).  As I read here, I learn (from
here and other places) how good they really are, how lucky I have been. (Did 
I tell 'ren a few minutes ago to resist survivor's guilt?)

>what's the icon for someone brought to tears by what she reads?	
        
	:-(
        �
        �
        �

    
    I, like, Sara, had a pretty happy childhood, and love my parents,
    but the questions I couldn't ask, and still can't ask, but I think
    I know the answers anyway now.
    
    o How much money does Dad make?
    o How come you had so many kids?
    o Dad, if you're always talking about making lots of money, how come
      you decided to become a schoolteacher?
    o Would you have had as many kids if you had to do it over again?
    
    And the standard curiosity questions that I could never ask like:
    
    o What's a homosexual? (when I was about 12)
    o What can I use for birth control? (and, related:)
    o Where do I go for birth control? (from age 16)
      (Actually, *anything* about sex, other than the standard
      talk about the mess that would happen every month.)
    
    And the questions I didn't even know I had until adulthood:
    
    o Why are Mary and Paul the favorites? (thankfully, Mom tried to
      hide that one as best she could, but Dad didn't do as well,
      especially as he was dying).  However, I think I know the answer
      to that one as well.
    o How come you feel guilty about how you raised us? (And I haven't
      much of a clue to the answer on that one.)
    

    
    Sara - 
    
    ditto for me.  I'm one of eight; my siblings are my best and closest
    friends in the world, and I realize more and more what a
    good job my parents did.  They blew it on some things, but after
    reading many accounts here... I am one lucky person.  
    
    The icon you're looking for, I've seen done as this.   8..-(   
    Where's a good magic wand when you need one?
    
    The questions I would like to ask NOW, though, and haven't quite found
    the gumption or opening...
    
    	Are you glad you had so many children?
    	Are you happy with your life?
    	Do you have enough money now, on your fixed income?
    	DO you regret: 	bypassing promotions so you could live in a place that
    				was good for children?
    			Not taking vacations?
    			Not taking time for yourself when you had better
    				health?
    
    
    Small things, I guess.
    
    Jamd

I guess I was lucky...

NO question was taboo in our family.  My mother was often reticent to
bring things up that she wanted to talk about, so questions were *greatly*
appreciated by her because they saved her the difficulty of breaking
the ice.

I was raised to believe that there is no such thing as a bad question.

Only now, for the first time in my life, I have a question I can't ask...

"Mom, how do you *really* feel about my being gay?"

D!

    There were many questions it was neither purdent or safe to ask in
    our house:
    
    Why does dad's breath always smell so bad?
    Why can't my friend Debbie come in the house (she was black)?
    Why can my brother do no wrong and my sister and I do no right?
    Why do we all have to behave like little adults all the time?
    Why must we be quiet and not disturb dad?
    
    etc....etc....etc.
    
    -HA

    My mother was a very old fashioned religious Southern Baptist.
    I learned that questions about menstruation and sex made her
    uncomfortable, and were not really answered.
    However when I started menstruating and became old enough to be
    interested in sex, SHE was full of questions (and warnings) for me.
    I felt like it was none of her business , since she did not want to 
    discuss it with me when I was younger. Besides she just wanted to make
    sure that I would not "get in trouble".
    
    Besides being old fashioned my parents were great, and I am shocked 
    and sad by some of the other questions in these notes.
    

    why do you love her more than you love me?
    why do you feed me instead of telling me you love me?
    why do you withhold favors and doing things you promised me
    	when I don't intuit exactly what you wanted me to do?
    why do you yell at me when you're angry at something else?
    why don't I have any friends - and my sister does?
    		(which translated to)
    aren't I lovable?
    why are they laughing at my clothes?
    can you please stop arguing so I won't have to cry?
    
    
    -Jody
    

    
    I was very lucky too, in that I could ask my mum anything.  I could ask
    my dad anything too, but never really wanted to ask him anything about
    personal female issues.
    
    I did ask the question a few notes back about "Where can I go for birth
    control?" when I was 16!  I also asked the question "Would you be upset
    if I went on the pill?" - my friends used to say "How can you talk to
    your mother about things like that?".  But I just always could ... I
    was so lucky.  The only thing I don't discuss with her are details of
    my sex life! :-)
    
    Sam
    

       A few questions that I'll probably go to my grave without asking...
    
       Why did you bring me up Catholic and then tell me to murder a child
       just because her father was a #$%^&*!-!@#$%^&*!?
    
       Do you really love your grand-daughter now?
    
       Why didn't you just get rid of me when you had the chance?
    
       Why do I know I'll be the one of your four children you'll be able
       to rely on when age takes over?
    
    
       KC

    Like Sam, I was always able to ask any question and get a considered,
    thoughtful answer.  For example, my parents made sure their children
    understood the mechanics of human reproduction (and their own views on
    the moralities thereof, as well, but these latter as opinions, not
    facts) at an early age -- well before 10 -- and although I never did
    ask where I could go to buy condoms, I did ask about, and receive an
    explanation of, my mother's diaphragm when I was about 9.  That
    explanation included her showing me an illustration in a medical text
    so I would understand how the thing worked.
    
    The more I learn of my friends' childhoods, the more I come to
    understand just how incredibly fortunate I was as a child.
    
    -d

    re .14, you received an explanation of your mother's diaphragm when you
    were 9!!!!  Wow, she was open minded.  It just occurred to me that I'm
    41 and I've never seen a diaphragm!  (I hope nobody sends one thru
    interoffice mail as I'm not *that* curious!)  :-)
    
    Even though my parents were very prudish and old-fashioned concerning
    anything to do with sex, they never hit us or each other.  I can't even
    imagine either of my parents ever hitting another human, but maybe they
    would have in self-defense.  It's been a big shock for me, as an adult,
    to hear how much physical violence goes on in some people's homes.  I
    never saw it in my home or had to fear it from my parents and I guess
    I'm lucky in that respect anyway.
    
    Lorna
    

    Why could we never safely ask you questions?
    Why could we never ask you a question without being embarrassed and/or
    humiliated by you?
    Why weren't we a family?
    Why did you bolster your own fragile self by putting us down all the
    time?
    Why did you marry Dad and have us kids when it is so obvious you
    never wanted any of us, including Dad?
    Why did you agree to adopt Tracie, but then refuse to treat her
    like a family member?  
    Why are you still so concerned about what "others" think of you
    instead of doing what is right?
    Why did you say you would be supportive of Tracie when she was
    raped at 17, but then tell her it was her fault just before she
    testified?
    Why can't you let us be ourselves instead of what you want us to
    be?
    
    Psychological abuse hurts more and lasts longer than physical.
    
    L
    

    Why does everyone in our family die?
    
    E Grace

    
    Eagle(s) -- gosh, I've "known" you for years, but I can never remember
    if you use an s at the end of your name or not...   E has had several
    siblings die very young -- her brother Bruce died quite recently. 
    So... her question was more than philosophical but from a place (I
    would think) of actual and recent pain.
    
    Justine

    steve, 
    
    no insensitivity was perceived.
    
    hugs you cutie.
    
    E

	why does brother get the best and I get the leftovers ?
		(education, especially)
	how come I have to do all the chores and he gets to
		stay for after-school activites and spend his
		time studying at night ?
	why am I the one who thinks family is important and 
		he (brother) doesn't ?
	

worse than the above, though, was not the forbidden question, but the forbidden 
SUBJECT - I will NEVER forget the day (while I was still rather young) when
my father told us my mom was sick with uterine cancer - after he told us,
we were NEVER allowed to talk about it with her, in front of her, I never got
to ask the question "why don't you love us enough to go to a doctor ?"  I just
got to watch her die slowly over the years, got to support and help my dad
after she died (when I was just 18) and meanwhile, my brother got to spend
his life/time in California at school, on his own.

and more recently, the questions I'll probably never ask my brother...

	why didn't you come home when dad was sick
	why didn't you come home when he was better
	why didn't you come home when he DIED  ??????????????????????????????
	why don't you love me ?
	why don't you care about your only nephew ?????????????	

    :-{
    ^
    ^
    ^

    My six year old asked me last night
    
    "Why is Dad having another baby when he doesn't even take care
    of us?  We're not babies, but we are like grown-up babies. How
    can he take care of a baby when he doesn't even take care of us?"
    
    Yeah, Dad, why?