Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    ...and I would assume that women who have wives/girlfriends may also
    anwer?
    
    E Grace

    Yes, men and women with girlfriends/wives may reply.  By all means.
    
    I remember once upon a time some years ago when my ex and I were
    going to some counseling sessions.  The counselor reccommended that
    we compliment each other or thanked each other for at 1 thing each
    day before we go to bed.  I thought it kinda strange, but I was
    willing to try anything to keep this marriage intact.  Anyway, I
    got to liking the idea of being thanked or appreciated some a small
    way each day.  It was nice.  But, then it felt wierd 'cause in this
    particular situation, we were exercised to do this routine.  Anyway,
    my then husband really, really hated this exercise.  I don't why
    exactly.  He thought it was absolutely absurd.   I felt hurt in
    a way, 'cause I thought he was making up all the compliments each
    day in order to fulfill the exercise.   Anyway, looking back on
    all this and to some degree even today, perhaps there are some
    insecurities lingering around.  I don't know.
    
    I recall this other exercise as well in a social group some years
    ago in high school.  WE all sat in a circle and had to tell 1 nice
    thing about each other.  I enjoyed this little exercise and remember
    what the person who drew my name said about me.  It was really nice
    and stays in my mind.
    
    I did this exercise with my kids.  Each had to say one nice thing
    about their sister/brother.  I believe it made them feel them better
    about each other, at least for that moment anyway.
                                                      
    Oh well,
    Cin
    

    *grumble*
    
    Why is it that, even in =wn=, Lesbians are so often invisible?
    husbands/boyfriends indeed... what's wrong with using gender-free terms
    like SO, partner, lover, mate, spouse, etc?
    
    I wish to point out to the many-many people lately who have been
    complaining that womannotes feels like lesbiannotes that there are lots
    of notes which totally leave out Lesbians, such as this for, for no
    particular reason except that someone "forgot" about Lesbian's
    existence, but to my knowledge there has never been a note that
    "forgot" about straight women.  In all my writings, I have never
    accidentally left out straight women, and I always use either gender
    free references, or explicitly say "boyfriend/girlfriend/etc".
    
    D!

    
    I love to hear that I'm attractive (from anyone :-) or anything else 
    of a positive nature, e.g., "You're really funny!".  I also give out
    compliments freely (I think).  Public and private, it depends on the 
    nature of the compliment or how bold I'm feeling. :-)  I don't like 
    to ask; the ensuing compliment doesn't then feel authentic.  I don't 
    get complimented nearly enough for my tastes.  And, it is important 
    to me.
    
    CQ

    I like getting compliments, too. The egoboo is nice, especially as
    my self-image has never been the greatest to begin with.
    
    --- jerry

when you think about it, what are the alternatives to saying nice things to the
one you love?

a) saying nothing at all.  This can easily be mistaken for indifference, or even
   hostility, especially if the relationship is strained, which any long-term
   relationship is going to be from time to time (honeymoon's over, y'know).

b) saying nasty things.  I'm sure we can all see why this is destructive!  of
   love, of self-esteem, of cooperation, etc etc.

The reasons for not saying nice things to your SO run the gamut: you're
about to split up; fear of loss (that's an insecurity in the love of one's
partner, causing one to 'retaliate'; ironically driving the object of love 
further away...); ignorance about how to maintain the relationship;
preoccupation with other issues (work, or family illness come to mind)

Sometimes it takes a conscious decision, to refrain from saying hurtful things,
to deliberately think of the things you appreciate about the loved one.  I think
this is the object of the exercise described in .0 -- to deliberately suspend
hostilities, to avoid allowing sheer anger to take over the relationship.

But of course it takes a committment to that on both sides.

Sara

    
    
    	When my now husband and I first started dating he was
    	very uncomfortable about giving compliments or saying
    	"mushy stuff".  As time progressed, he got better about
    	it and it was nice.  Now he OVERdoes it!  It's gotten
    	to the point where it sounds to me like he says it out
    	of habit.
    
    	C'est la....
    

	I'm constantly complementing my husband.  In public, I'll sometimes
	whisper in his ear that I think he is sexy or I'll just give him a
	lewd look.  My complements are playful in nature, more teasing but
	I really am sincere when I say them.  When we are going somewhere
	special and are dressed up, I complement him.

	Steven is less generous with his compliments.  He doesn't like to
	display affection in public (which is partly why I'll tease him
	in public).  He has a couple of nicknames for me that I take as 
	a complement.  If I do something especially silly or "cute" he
	will call me "dink".  I don't particularly care for the word itself
	but I know what he is thinking when he says it.  More often, he
	calls me Spunky; I love this nickname.  I am very energetic which
	is how I earned it but he often uses it at times when I am feeling
	less than spunky in order to cheer me up or liven me up.  The other
	nickname he uses is Fuzzball because I remind him of a cat (probably
	because I would love to be a cat!).  This one he uses primarily to
	make me laugh.  So, I am trying to say, even though he does not
	directly compliment me, I feel complimented when he uses these
	nicknames.  Sometimes, however, I do ask for compliments and I
	get them; othertimes he does give them, when I look extra-special.

	His smiles are the best compliments of all!

	Can you tell I've only been married four weeks?


	Karen

    Hmmm. A goodly percentage of the compliments described here have to do
    with appearance. While I've given such compliments myself, and don't
    mind receiving them, either, I generally prefer compliments on less
    passive attributes: "You're so strong," or "so funny," or "I really
    liked the way you ran that dungeon/presented that talk/changed that
    tire"...
    
    [It's also a really nice boost to hear second-hand compliments, as in
    "X told me you gave a really great presentation," and so forth; I like
    knowing that those I care about are proud enough of me to say so to
    others. O' course, I wouldn't want to hear _everything_ second-hand.]
    
    -b

    I like compliments - both giving and receiving...to friends as well
    as my SO.   I guess, in a way, it's important to me, because I am
    expressive (in my more intimate relationships, close friends and
    lovers), and it's important to me that people who are close to me
    are comfortable receiving compliments.  I don't like to feel as
    though I have to censor my feelings.  My previous SO was uncomfortable
    with both compliments, and with displays of affection (even hugs, and
    I just can't live without hugs for any appreciable period of time) in
    public.  I felt unappreciated, and untrue to myself.  Never again.
    It seems to me that often the people who are comfortable receiving
    compliments are also comfortable giving them....certainly my SO is.
    
    Re: .4 - D!  I hardly think your comment qualifies as a bitch....
    I've been cringing lately at the number of notes which seem to
    implicitly exclude lesbigays ... I'm glad you spoke up, because I
    certainly value the contributions.
    
    cheryl

    
    
    RE: .11
    
    >>My previous SO was uncomfortable...  and with displays of affection
     (even hugs,
      ^^^^ ^^^^
    
    
    				NO HUGS??!?!?!?!?!???!
    
    to borrow from another conference....
    
    						*thud*
    
    
    

    I think this is probably one of the least obvious disadvantages to
    *not* having/being in a relationship.  There is not only no one to get
    compliments from, there is no one to give compliments to.  And both
    aspects are important to me.
    
    I wish I could figure out what's wrong that I haven't been able to have
    a satisfactory relationship for about the last 4 years, or any
    relationship *at all* for the last 18 months.....
    
    Alison

    re .12
    
    Actually, just no hugs in public...but when you get the urge (ok, when
    *isn't* the urge there), I hate denying it!
    
    but you're right, thud.  and that fairly thoroughly describes the end
    of the relationship!

    I love to hear any sweetie compliment me.  I like to hear that I've
    said something neat or interesting or profound.  I like to hear that I
    look good or have done something out of the ordinary but good with my
    appearance.  I like pass-along compliments ("So and so said ....").  I
    like congratulations about an achievement.  I like it noticed and
    approved ("That looks nice!") when I do something to the house.
    
    In our home we have a rule that each meal is preceeded with a kiss and
    a thank you to the cook.  No matter which of us is the cook that night.
    
    I compliment my sweetie/SO/spouse.  I use a bunch of endearments, and
    since I enjoy all of the stuff I talked about above so much, I try to
    share the wealth.
    
    I also like to walk holding hands, it's a from of compliment of each
    other.  And when we are with other people, I want my sweetie to shine
    (and me to shine) because we both have such good taste in spousal
    units. :^)
    
    My spouse has two younger sisters and learned the bad habit of teasing. 
    So I once exploded and said he couldn't tease me about anything unless
    he also complimented me about two things recently.  That put the
    teasing in context and made it okay.  I wasn't fond of the teasing
    cause it was making me feel a bit insecure and it didn't feel very good
    as a steady diet.
    
    I was brought up without compliments.  My folks didn't believe in
    giving kids a swelled head.  We we constantly told how we weren't good
    so we would work harder and do better.  This created, among other
    things, an immense hunger for compliments.  So now I ask when I want
    one and I refuse to take a tease when I want positive feedback.  
    
    The weird thing about compliments is how much more likable someone
    becomes when you compliment them.  Partly self-fullfilling prophecy,
    partly they feel better so they are better people.

    Re: 9 My cat's name is Spunky....
    
    REK

        re .15
        
>    The weird thing about compliments is how much more likable someone
>    becomes when you compliment them.
        
        Or when they compliment you. :-)  I remember a time in
        college when I got an "XYZ said ..." compliment and was
        amazed at how much my opinion of XYZ instantly rose!
        
        Dan
        

I used to give compliments to my lovers freely - then I realized that often
they weren't sincere, they were my attempts to make hir emotionally 
dependent on me, so s/he wouldn't leave.  (Sure sign of a co-dependent...:-()
So I started being more wary, perhaps too much so.  Also, most of my
partners have had very poor self-esteem (that way they would need me
more, than way I would feel loved and secure; see above) so they would
feel very uncomfortable about compliments.

I have always had trouble accepting compliments. I love hearing them, they
make me feel good because they make me feel like the person loves/wants/needs
me.  But I never *believed* them, I always felt like I had managed to fool
<whoever> into believing I was something special.  So invariably when 
complimented I would make a self-depracating joke...if someone said "I've
never met anyone like you" or "you are one of a kind" I would say "Yeah, and
the world is a better place for it!"  If someone told me I was a good writer
I would say "That's just what comes from having two professional writers for
parents."  If I couldn't come up with a witty self-insult, I would awkwardly
change the subject or avert my eyes.

Recently, in an effort to be a healthier and more self-loving person, I have
been trying *not* to insult myself (whether given a compliment or not.)  I
no longer say self-depracating things about myself (or I try not to.) Right
along with that I have decided to try to be more open to compliments.  I
try and believe that they are sincere, and instead of changing the topic
I will try to look straight back in hir eye and say "That's a very nice thing
to say, thank you very much."  Sometimes, if I feel very safe with the 
person, I may even say "Really?  do you think so?  why?"  I am now trying
to accept compliments "humbly" - that is, not to think "Oh, I'm better than
persons x, y and z", but just "Oh, I'm a good person in that area."

D!

    I've always had trouble accepting compliments. Generally on doing a
    good job or going above and beyond. I just feel that it's part of the
    job and you do whatever you have to to get it done. Even if it isn't
    in job description. They bother me, I don't know why. I'm getting
    better at it and say thank you and let it lay.
    
    I think this is because I neverr got any as a kid. No matter what I did
    I was told I could do better. Even in school, getting A+'s and 100's on
    test and report cards weren't causes for celebration, just minimum
    expectations. I brought home all A+'s once and was told I should have
    done better. Everything I tried was met with a complaint. Simple things
    like choosing Christmas trees. If the tree was gorgeous, I spent to
    much. If it was not so hot when I tried to save during lean years, I
    got complaints that it was lousy. If I dated, or even went out with the
    guys or to a party, I was waisting my money and my time. If I didn't, I
    was staying home to much and becoming to withdrawn. Couldn't win in my
    life. That's why, when I hear a compliment, I don't believe it. I do
    pass them out freely, but have to think twice. Will this person believe
    me? Am I sounding sincere enough or do I sound Like a jerk? I do mean
    them, but articulating them is difficult.
    
    All this is just to say how amazed and delighted I was at the 5th Grand
    Party, and a couple of readonlies made a point of introducing
    themselves to me to say that what I write is interesting to them. I'm
    still flabergasted and pleased when I think about this. I thank them
    still and am learning to accept compliments more. Giving them is easy.
    
    PJ

    PJ I think you and I had the same parents!  I never was able to accept
    compliments well either.  Like D!, I would always make a self
    depreciating comment in response (oh, this old thing?).  I was never
    good enough growing up, no matter what I did, and never once that I
    can remember ever got any sort of compliment from either of my parents.
    
    I too, feel like if someone gives me a compliment, I must have "fooled"
    them somehow, and if they really knew me they wouldn't have
    complimented me in the first place.  So, I end up doing this insane
    sort of dance, where I try to do everything perfectly so people will
    never see I'm somewhat less than perfect, and then if I do pull it off,
    don't believe people when they compliment me anyway!
    
    Lately though, I've tried to give myself a little slack, realize that
    I'm *not* (horrors) perfect, and that's ok.  I try to just smile and
    say thank you when I get a compliment, whether I believe it or not.  I
    figure if I get enough of them, and stop explaining them away, maybe
    someday I might even believe a few of them.  For now, they still make
    me pretty uncomfortable, but I try not to show it.
    
    On the other hand, if there is something I find to compliment others
    on, I usually never fail to do so.  I've always been pretty good at
    giving them, just not receiving them.  Oh well, I'm working on it.
    
      -HA

whereas I was the favorite child in my family, and have always had trouble
accepting compliments because of _course_ I've really done nothing special
to deserve them.  Just like I did nothing to deserve being exempted from my
father's temper.  Took me till well on into my 20s to figure out that my
siblings don't resent and hate me for it (quite the contrary, in fact).

WHY do we do these things, to ourselves and to the ones we love?

Sara

	"We are all of us flawed beauties."

Sara, I know what you mean, that is part of my problem accepting compliments...

I've lead a truly charmed life.  I had wonderful supportive parents, I was
born in a body which is physically attractive, and with a brain which was
exceptionally intelligent, and have the advantages of being white and middle
class.  all these things have made my life much easier, and much of my
so-called "sucess" is due to these lucky things I had no part in making.
Good paths were always open to me, and when I made the wrong decision, it
was as if my guardian angel made sure I didn't screw up too much, and things
have *always* worked out for the best in the end. I guess I feel guilty for 
succeeding in a game which is largely based on chance, and compliments
feel like I don't deserve them, because even if I *did* succeed, it was do
to the benefits I was born with, not through any work of my own.

D!

    re .20 Heather. Close, maybe our parents are psychic twins. I have
    never been worried about being perfect or giving the appearance of it.
    In fact, I've gone out of my way to be perceived as being less then
    perfect. I've said in another conference that one of my favorite
    quotes, whose author escapes me at the moment was "If you act like a
    Dumb Sh** they'll treat you as an equal." I've done my darndest to do
    just that. Also, don't volunteer for anything except overtime was
    another motto. Lately, I've begun to enjoy a little more recognition
    here at work, bugun to accept compliments, and even allowed my picture
    to be placed on a bulletin board for an "ATTABOY" that I got recently
    that went to the plant manager. How's that for recovering, he said,
    fishing for compliments. Speaking of ATTABOYS or ATTAGIRLS (yeah I know
    it's a demeaning, sexist title, but I can't see "ATTAMAN or ATTAWOMAN".
    not without a cape and tights anyway :-)  ) I do solicit them. If I do
    something and I know that it really helped a customer or someone, when
    I get the thank you, I say send it electronically and I yuse it in my
    review. Tacky, but what the hey.
    
    PJ

    I grew up with a lot of negative teasing and negative compliments
    ("You aren't wearing THAT, are you?", etc.).  
    
    The man I see occasionally gives great compliments, but out of 
    the ordinary.  I get teased about my so-called tan.  He gets a 
    very dark tan easily, my tan is very light and without a tan line
    is never noticed.  He notices, then teases me about still being so
    light.  He always says he missed me when he calls on the phone.
    Tells me I have  a great phone voice.  I'm not a gorgeous woman so
    his compliments mean a lot to me.  He says good things about me that
    are meaningful. If he ever said I had a great figure, I would know
    it was lie.  He says I'm a wonderful person, warm, loving, etc.  
    
    My favorite of all his compliments is when he says that he can't
    understand why I'm not dating more so therefore the men in my
    area must be either stupid or homosexual!!  He says they don't 
    know what they're missing.  
    
    I give him compliments too.  The last won was telling him how sweet
    and terrific he was to make sure ALL the girl's on his softball team
    got they're names mentioned in a newspaper article.  He worked really
    hard on doing that.  
    
    Compliments are easy to do.
    
    Linda
    

I really like the way you...

   ...never roll your eyes when I get in my silly, talkative moods.

   ...come up behind me and gently hug me when I least expect it and most need
      it.

   ...wash the dishes even when it's my turn.

   ...stay up with all night when I am scared from a movie, and don't laugh
      at me or get angry with me for taking away your sleep.

   ...glow in the morning when you wake up and the sun shines through the
      shade on your face.

   ...stimulate my intellect without trying to make me feel inferior.

   ...run your fingers through my hair.

   ...love me.

   ...are.

D!

[all different people, unfortunately...]

I like to give and receive compliments. I'm with the group that had to learn
how to take them though. I used to play the "this old thing" game too. Now I
accept that I deserve a few compliments. 

As for others, I try and make it a point to mention it whenever I notice 
something nice about someone. I won't make things up, that doesn't seem right.

And I always try to remember please and thank you - even with waitrons and 
other service personnel. They are people too and it's such a small inexpensive
courtesy. 

I'm amazed at the number of people who think it's not necessary to thank family
members for things they do. My SO's boys have been staying with him and whenever
he would make dinner for us I thanked him. One day the youngest asked me why I
did that. The next day both older boys began saying thank you. It just hadn't
occured to them that you should be as thankful for everyday occurances as you
are for special occasions. liesl

    I like giving compliments and make the effort to do so and am always
    sincere.  I like to believe that a compliment from me is a thing of
    value and I don't want to cheapen it.  Consequently I wish all
    complements directed at me were sincere and I tend to believe most
    of them unless they really don't ring true.
    
    I have a tough time understanding my husband when it comes to
    complements.  He *never* complements me on anything *except* my looks.
    Which is pretty wierd because I can only once remember being
    complemented for my looks by anyone besides him.  So I've always
    assumed that I wasn't very pretty.  And I tend not to believe his
    complements.
    
    On the other hand I have been complemented for many other aspects of
    myself which my husband seems to think are not noteworthy.
    
    Mary

    welcome back Mary!  How was the eclipse?  (*8
    
    
    E Grace