Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    Just a housewife...
    
    Those words are painful to me.  I was never a good housewife and I
    wanted so bad to be good.  I have become better at it but the
    circumstances are different and it isn't the challenge and doesn't
    require the skills to manage a home for one compared to a home for
    six.
    
    A few years ago I took Mother away for the weekend with some friends. 
    We had rented a chalet in North Conway.  Bob, Mother and I stayed
    Monday to close up the chalet and I whipped through it doing the
    necessary things.  Bob was very helpful and I left feeling that we had
    done a good job.  It had been an enjoyable weekend and I had cooked,
    entertained and hiked.
    
    As we were leaving Mother complimented me several times on my
    housekeeping and how organized I was.  It annoyed me a lot that she
    would focus on this one part of the weekend and this one part of my
    life.  She views my job as a necessity and if I work late she remarks
    that I shouldn't 'have' to do that.  When I tell her I like the work
    and that the project is going well she fails to realize the
    satisfaction I get out of work.  But staying an extra day to close up a
    cottage gets all sorts of praise.
    
    ...just a housewife, a tough job, requiring many skills that I failed
    at!

    I didn't think that I had any, but yesterday, someone in my group
    refered to someone else as "Little Lady". Someone was here to pick up a
    package and he told them to go see the little lady in shipping. This
    woman, while she may be a lady in the etiquette sense, is not little
    and I ripped him out for saying that. It is a good thing she wasn't in
    earshot or she may have done the same. I told him that he was very
    lucky and if I was a woman, I probably would have ripped into him. I
    got a HUH? and a blank stare and then when I proceded to explain what
    he did wrong, he couldn't seem to understand. I really don't think he
    was meaning any harm, he's just ignorant. I tried to equate to refering
    to a black man as "boy" and the reasoning and demeaning tone of the
    words to them. He never heard of that either. Some days ya can't win.
    
    Anyway, that's my current trigger word. I'm sure there are others.
    
    PJ (Who is getting his conciousness raised by this file, thank you very
    much)

    
    
    	"just a secretary"
    
    	Self-explanatory I think.  Fortunately I have a boss who doesn't
    	think that way but every once in awhile I'll come across someone
    	who uses that phrase.  I ask them how they would survive doing
    	their job if their secretary wasn't there to help them out with
    	the important but albeit time-consuming jobs.  Some apologize
    	and some don't say anything.
    
    	JJ
    

    This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart as I have
    inadvertantly hurt or angered people by being ignorant of trigger words
    at the time.  Where I was raised (in the woods) if you hadn't seen a
    person in a long time, one might say, "Gosh, I haven't seen you in a
    coon's age."  The coon refers to a racoon.  When I joined the military,
    I was with some friends who were racially mixed.  Being the dumb
    country bumkin I was, I used the above noted phrase on a person I
    hadn't seen in a long time.  Well, needless to say, several heads
    snapped around and I got more than my share of angry stares. 
    Fortunately, the people there realized that I had said this out of
    innocent ignorance and not malice.
    
    I try to make it a point to tell people that if I say something that is 
    a trigger for them to please tell me.  I don't intend to be hurtful to
    anyone, but that doesn't mean I won't accidently do so.  I can't really
    get to know a person unless I know what makes them angry and sad as
    well as happy.  So, if I put a note in here that seems callous or
    insensitive, please jack me up (another bumkinism) on it.
    
                              Regards,
    				Ron

"does your wife work?  or does she stay home with the kids?"
	news flash -- raising kids is important, hard to do well, repetitive
	and rewarding and frustrating and fun and more.

"I don't want kids -- I hate dirty diapers and snotty noses!"
	so do I.  Luckily, there's a whole lot more to it than that.

"I'd be bored if I didn't work."
	I wouldn't.  There's so much to do!  and so much more I'd like to
	have time for!

"gee, I wish *I* could leave early!"
	I'm not.  I work part-time, and this is when they stop paying me for
	my time.

"can't you dial in from home?"
	well, more lately than before.  You cannot deal with a 2-yr-old and
	think about how to debug your ^*)%^#)@# program at the same time.

Sara

    OH YES!  Some words just send me into involuntary fits of rage.
    
    I'm not sure why some words do it and some don't.  For instance, the
    words "nigger" (coming from a non-black person) or "fag" (coming from a
    non-gay person) cause an immediate, uncontrollably (verbally) violent
    response; but other words meaning basically the same thing, such as
    "spic" or "dyke" or "gringo" or "queer" make me angry, but they don't
    produce the same knee-jerk reflex response.
    
    Certain sayings piss me off whenever I hear them, too...
    
    "...catch more flies with honey than vinegar."
    
    Anything of the form "If you want to be treated like {x} you better
    {y}"
    
    I'll think of more later.
    
    (This is very similar to the Hot Buttons note.)
    
    D!

    
    
    for the last few months, i have been "triggered" when i see the term
    "pc" or "Politically Correct" used.
    
    it seems, more often than not, that the phrase is being used to
    systematically dismiss thoughts and/or ideas with varying degrees of
    social and personal merit.  i see it being used as a catch phrase to
    put down ideas without discussion. 
    
    i rarely see the phrase "Politically Incorrect" used in the same
    manner.
    
    

    'girl'

    
    "hugs"

Re: .9

Oh Bonnie! I could just h** [oppps!] you for saying that! 

Bruce

    Hugs???  Could you elaborate?  Not that there is anything wrong with
    it, but I guess I've never met anyone who didn't like hugs.  Is it the
    word that makes you furious, or the action?  Does it make you mad when
    it is directed at you, or when you see it at all?
    
    Confused,
    D!

    
    Girl
    Little Lady
    Little Woman
    (sometimes just plain "lady" depending on tone)
    "Such a pretty face...."  (said to fat people, with the implication
    		that it's a shame they're so fat....)
    women's libber
    pushy
    hen party
    
    
    I'm sure there are more
    
    -Jody
    

    
    
    "It could be worse..."  AAGGGGHHH!
    
    Or my favorites, as I am a "petite" person:
    
    "Oh, you're to little to do that"
    "Now be careful, you might hurt yourself!"
    
    Yep, uh huh, since my body's so small, I guess my brain is to small for
    me to be able to judge what is to heavy for me to do. And my little 
    body is just to _delicate_ to do any physical labor.  AAHHGGG! (Just
    watch me when I'm working on the house I'm helping to renovate. NAHHH!)
    
    
    C. (-:
    
    
    
    
    C. (-:
    
    
    

    Oh, Kath, re: "c^nt", me too!  I hate that word, always have, in ANY
    context - erotic, insult, lymeric, you name it!  Ick!  I feel the same
    way about "boobs" but not as strong.
    
    Also, Jody, all of those euphemistic phrases about being fat. 
    "Pleasantly plump", ICK!
    
    Also, on a more political vein, I hate the phrase "peace through
    strength."  Sounds much to Orwellian.  Also "love it or leave it."
    
    "If you want to play you've got to play."
    
    D!

    
    I don't get mad, I get anxious.
    
    "Challenge".  This means "we're throwing you to the sharks" or "sink or
                  swim".
    
    "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps."  Think about it.
    
    "You can do it!"  Right after I've expressed some doubts or fears.   

    "Motherhood and apple pie"

     I wish someone would explain this one to me.  I hear it quite often
     in meetings but no one can or will explain it.  But it always sets
     me off.

     MN

    re.12 You missed 'wench' ;-)

    
    Crabby, when my mother says I'm crabby.  OH does that set me off.
    
    The word Bible.  I instantly tune out.
    
    Girl, manpower, manning, ladies, gentlemen, downsizing (ack!),
    God = He, Men&Women = He, Child = He ...
    
    Positive trigger words include women, dykes, magic, pasta ...
    
    Carla
    

    re.13 A friend of mine, in possibly the most sexist (but achingly 
    male-true) statement of all time, said that the the c-word stood
    for 'can't understand normal thinking.' 
    

    Having a "pot" belly and the fat went no where else, people asking me
    when the baby is due. No other phrase used in reference to my stomach
    sets me off like that one. I dunno why.
    
    PJ

"Let me try to explain that a little better."

"Let me put that antoher way."

Things people say when you disagree with them that imply you WOULD agree if
you ONLY understood.  That send up the red flares for me!!!!!!!!!

Barb

"Kleenex"

"Lemonade"

"Frozen Yogurt"

    Yes I have a few words, and behavours that trigger me.  How about a
    note on trigger behavours...

        Opportunity:  major gag word.  A closer second, Challenge!!!

    	Many of the other words mentioned here already...
    

    Thanks Carla for the idea of positive triggers...
    
    	Friends, cookies, party, puppies, pizza... <this could be long>
    
    Allison	
    

    The "c" word
    dyke
    
    

    women-and-children

"Man and wife" (Is the guy being pronounced man? Ha. Right. We
	       all know he was a man before the ceremony.  It's
	       just to make it clear that the man now owns
	       a wife..... grrrrrr.)
	        

"It'll probably work out for the best"   (the Great Justifier for inaction)


Ever notice how the male head of a committee is nearly always called
"Chairman" and the female head is a "Chairperson?"

    "First you have to prove yourself..."
    
    and
    
    "You have to pay your dues."
    
    (Although I'm 45 and have 15 solid years of experience in my field, I'm 
    still being offered these as reasons for not being paid on a par or 
    rewarded with the same perks as men doing the same work.)  
    
    Karen

    "empowered"
    makes my skin crawl
    
    what the hell does that mean, anyway?
    
    Nancy

    
          "Non-issue"
    
    Never heard that one 'till I joined the ranks of Corporate America
    
    Neil
    

    I'd like to ask those like Bonnie and Kath who have a problem with
    our 'hug' note to be patient with it..
    
    I've asked for hugs specifically and really appreciated the responses
    I got, just as much as I appreciated the ones I got today for when
    my cat died..
    
    could y'all agree just to skip that one, even if it makes your 'teeth
    itch'.... it does mean a lot to a number of folks here..
    
    thanks
    
    Bonnie J

   Another that make me feel like root cannal is fun...
    
    	Proactive?  Is this about doing before it occurs or just
    	professional activity (twiddling thumbs as before).
    
    Allison

    "should"  "shouldn't"  and "can't" as in "you shouldn't do that",
    "women can't do that" and "you should think this"...
    AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
    
    Nanci 

    The c-word.
    
    DINKS.  I'm not sure if I'm the only one with a negative connotation of
    that acronym, but to me it implies the couple drives BMWs, spends money
    like there's no tomorrow, and consider themselves "better" than
    families that don't have two incomes and have children.  Hmph!
    
    -jc

    "It's not my responsibility."
    
    
    "One person doesn't make a difference."
    
    
    When said as reasons for not gettng involved.
    
    
    E Grace

    re.30 Amen!!!

"Moral", usually uttered by someone who wants to impose his/hers on everybody.

--jim

This whole issue of hugs is really a non-issue.  If everyone was more
proactive about hugging, then we would all be morally empowered and it
would all work out for the best.

(What did Tonto say to Scout?)

    re: should
    
    A friend of mine, whenever I would say something about "should", would
    always respond "Should-hood is sh!t-hood."
    
    D!

    
    cleaning woman
    

    architecture ;^)/4

    re. 'should'
    
    A request, no a plea, for restraint from someone who learned to
    conjugate:
    
      I shall	<you,they,s/h,we> will
        should                    would
    
    As a sprout in another English-speaking culture...
    
    I'm _just_ trying to communicate ....
    
      Annie
    
    I

     >     I shall   <you,they,s/h,we> will
     >       should                    would
     
    No problem!  Even not counting the "alternate" conjugation, "I
    should..." is OKAY!
    
    The problems is "you should" or "he should" or "she should" or "women
    should" or "those people should".
    
    D!

A wise woman I knew had a cure for the "shoulds."  She had a 
piece of paper posted in her office that said.....


	I will not should on myself today


Barb

    I hate any phrase that starts "All you have to do is just.....". 
    Usually that means that I have to do some large amount of or tedious
    work.  And that the person telling me has no idea of what's involved.
    
    Dondi

    thank you D!,
    
      however, I was shat upon big-time only this morning for saying,
    
         "I should like that very much"
    
    a five minute lecture ensued on how I might make myself a happier and
    more effective person by liking what I _choose_ to like without letting
    'should' enter into it.
    
    I exercised as much forebearance as I could muster and abstained from
    vomiting in the woman's shoes ....
    
       Annie

    
    It's not a word, but: HMO

This is from a noter who wishes to remain anonymous.

	Ann J
 	=wn= co-mod

====================================================================
    
      I hate, "Sir:" I'm not a commanding officer, judge, 
      arresting officer, or your respected elder!

I hate it when I get called "Sir" too!

D!

    
    
    queer:
    
    I HATE being called queer.  I realize that there are certain
    gay/lesbian groups that want to "take back the work" from the
    gay/lesbian bashers.  But, I still hate the word!
    
    	Greg

	Architect - used as a verb

	Entitlement

	Empowerment

	Vision - when not referring to eyes or Joan of Arc

	"Walk the Talk"

	"Touch Base"

	"Revenue Enhancement"

	Path - used as a verb (e.g., "Career Pathing")

    dysfunctional home- as if the home were strange or negatively unusual.
    Like there was a great big sign on it
    : - Home out of order -:
    
    broken home- Like someone dropped it, or there was a crack in it.
    
    a multiplicity of racial epithets- too numerous to list
    
    you're different- when used to rationalize generalizations made about
    my race, sex, people, and early familial status....as though I were
    the exception to the unreasonable rules they have lodged in their
    brains.
    
    THOSE people- As in "Youre not one of THOSE people". See you're
    different.
    
    ----------------
    
    Hugs itself is not a bad word.  But when used too often, it reminds
    me of "kiss kiss"- the phrase I have seen some women use when they are
    just feigning contact and they suck the air in the general vacinities
    of one another's cheeks (to preserve their makeup).  I got married
    for warm hugs and bright smiles (he didn't have much else at the time)-
    so I take hugs VERY seriously.
    

	One of my personal blood-pressue risers is:

		Obviously, ...

	especially if it is the first word after asking a question, 
	obviously it couldn't have been too obvious or else I wouldn't 
	ask.. AWK! 8-}
	
			..jlg

    Yes, obviously, "obviously" is a problem.
    
    This was EXTRA annoying coming from the mouths of a professor or
    supervisor!!
    
    D!

    Significant Other-- Too non-descript.
    
    In this "timeframe"--Sounds like a made up word.
    
    C%%%-For obvious reasons
    
    My husband helps me with the housework."-- No one ever refers to a
     woman as helping her husband when she does the dishes. Why? Well you
     can only be "helping" if it's not your responsibility. Think about it. 
    
    I'm babysitting--When referred to by the father. No one refers to the
     mother's childrearing tasks as babysitting.
    
    Man and wife--That one really gets me. 
    
    Dysfunctional family--It supposedly refers to 99.5% of all families. It
     has no real meaning.
    
    You have to--Bull!! Watch me not!!
    
    			Kate
    
       
  
    

    
    sweetie 
    the "c" word
    pc
    hugs (sometimes)
    womens libber
    "only joking"
    should
    ought
    must
    can't
    most gender specific assumptions
    marital status assumptions
    dickhead
    
    'gail
    
    

    I absolutely *hate* the C word, makes the bile rise, my skin crawl and
    the flames shoot out of my ears when I hear it.  Especially from young
    children or teenagers, and believe me I have heard *very* young
    children using this word.
    
    Also, "On a half day" - smart comment made as you leave the office at
    4.00 after being in since 7.15 that morning.
    
    "got an interview" - because you decided to wear something different,
    maybe slightly! more dressier than usual.
    
    "you'll get fat" - when your spotted taking a biscuit along with your
    cup of tea back to your desk.
    
    "Yuppies, DINKS" - comment often passed to my hubby and I, and has
    brought me to the conclusion that it is only jealousy on the others
    part, yes we own our home, yes it is nicely furnished, we also have a
    car - but we do go without holidays abroad etc to help maintain those 
    things.  As for "DINKS" we are  only 23 - 24 respectively and have 
    atleast (godwilling) another 20 years for having children.
    
    _steam off_
    
    Tracy W

    I must b S, W the H is the C W?
    
    e

    
    In response to the question which I understood to be:
    
    "I must be b*llsh*t, what the h*ll is the C word?"
    
    Consider it an acronym for "Can't Understand Normal Thought".
    
    I'm posting this so that you don't get deluged with mail...

    AH, got it, you were close, I meant 'I must be "Stupid"' ...
    
    Or was it "Slow"?
    
    ed

    when used by a manager to brush off complaints that she _could_ do
    something about.
    
    Finally, one of my co-workers found the ideal reply:
    	"But ---, that's an administrative problem!"

    "Well, the procedure is..."
    
    I don't _CARE_ what the deleted procedure is! The common sense
    thing to do is half as much work!

The following reply is from a member of this file who wishes
to remain anonymous.

Bonnie J
=wn= comod
----------------------------------------------------------------

The word "MOM" used in any way other than second person singular.
It is how you address your mother - not how one refers to her when speaking
to other people. When "MOM" is used in the third person - "my mom"
the possessive- "mom's day"instead of "Mother's Day" or the plural i.e.
"What do your moms want for mom's day ?" it is more jarring than chalk
screaking on a blackboard.

	"Work that issue", "buy-in", "action item", bureaucratese in general.



	-Andy

    Anonymous-
    
    Conversely-
       does "Dad's Day" tick you off too?
    
    Or "My Dad does this."
    Or "Dad's are wonderfull that way"
    
    
       or is this just a single sex aversion ;->?
    
    Cindi

    "I love you" -- generally makes me want to put about 27 light years
    distance between myself and the one who utters it. 
    
    If said when I'm particularly upset, stressed, or generally off-balance
    I have visions of slow dismemberment.
    
    I am not afraid of love ... in general.  Other phrases or actions
    generally considered equivalent are music to my ears and balm to my
    heart.
    
    In my daily life I try to mitigate my revulsion for those 'three little
    words' -- in fact, I believe I do quite well.  However, for the first
    16 years of my life they were _ALWAYS_ a prelude to hurtful abuse and
    they were said _often_.  
    
      Annie

.50> I hate, "Sir:" I'm not a commanding officer, judge, 
.50> arresting officer, or your respected elder!

My usual response to this is to quote the Sergeant's line from "Stripes":

	"Don't call mer `sir', I work for a living!"

    
    reply from 'anon'
    
    _______________________________________________________________
    
I suppose "Dad" used in the same way would be equally offensive to me if
I had a frame of reference. I never had a "Dad" so it is difficult to
conjure up any kind of feeling to attach to the word except being called
Dad by my kids.

I say 'mom' and 'dad' in those places cause I'm too lazy to type 'mother' and
'father'

DECspeak -- you know, let's address the issues around the foozbuggle problem.
Work the issue.  

    
    re .66, .71:
    
    Tough!
    

    um, Ellen, is 'tough' a 'trigger word'?

    
    
    RE: .32 (Bonnie)
    
    >  I'd like to ask those like Bonnie and Kath who have a problem with
    >    our 'hug' note to be patient with it..
    
    But, Bonnie....we ARE patient with it.  Basically, I just next unseen
    past it because it's something that bothers me and I just don't relate
    to it too well.
    
    The only reason it was brought up here was because of "trigger words."
    None of us are asking anyone to CHANGE or to DO anything about it.
    
    I own my discomforts.....and the last thing I expect or WANT is for
    anyone to change just for me.
    
    > could y'all agree just to skip that one,
    
    I've been doing that for the 2+ years I've participated in this
    conference.  Please remember that just because I say something bothers
    me does NOT mean that I expect anyone to change because of it.
    
    kathy

    fine kath, thanks

    
    No, Bonnie.  But .66's response was.  Because my Mom is
    not just another "mother" (how positively clinical!) to refer
    to so cooly and detachedly.  She's my "Mom" and calling her my
    Mom is a sign of affection that I will never stop using!
    
    Hey, psst, .66:
    My Mom's cool.  My Mom's great.  My Mom's special.  I love My Mom.
    

    gay "lifestyle".  It makes me wonder if the speaker is thinking
    of old men prowling restrooms or of young beautiful men sipping frozen
    drinks with paper umbrellas in them.  To me the word lifestyle refers
    to the car I drive, the neighborhood I live in, maybe the clothes
    I wear, and the food I eat, not the person I love.
    	Linda

>    Hey, psst, .66:
>    My Mom's cool.  My Mom's great.  My Mom's special.  I love My Mom.
    
Um, do you enjoy chasing the cats around the house with the vacuum cleaner
too?

Kathy

    George Carlin on "life style"-
    
    Isn't life style one of the most ridiculous words you have ever heard.
    I mean, how silly is it.  When you think about it... even Gingus Kahn
    had an active outdoor _LIFE STYLE_
    
    

    
    this is just a reminder, that as someone pointed out early on in this
    topic - it seems very similar to the "hot buttons" note.
    
    Please feel free to embellish or explain your "trigger words" but
    please don't belabor someone for theirs or feel a need to change
    because of them (unless you feel you truly wish to).  This is a "vent"
    topic, not necessarily a "discuss" topic.
    
    -Jody
    

    
    more trigger words
    
    t*ts, t*tties
    babe
    chick
    you should have known
    
    
    
    tigger words (triggers with positive connotations for me)
    warmth
    take care
    *hugs*
    can I do anything?  (said HONESTLY and with feeling)
    I'm here for you
    I know where you're coming from
    yeek! (from the "Golden Fuzzy" books by H. Beam Piper, may he RIP)
    
    

    "Whatever" especially when used by my ex to avoid discussion . GRRRRRR.
    
    

>    "Whatever" especially when used by my ex to avoid discussion . GRRRRRR.


Oh no!  do you mean we have the same ex ? :-)

>Um, do you enjoy chasing the cats around the house with the vacuum cleaner
>too?

:-)  :-)

chuckle.

D!

[For the uninitiated, I *think* Kathy is referring to the <who? Ann brahm?>
song that goes "Minnie doesn't like the vacuum, mama doesn't like the dust,
it's a scary thing for a little cat, for mama it's a house-cleaning must." :-)
correct me if I'm wrong.]

    Any/all words that try to be gender neutral.
    
    I HATE Ms.  I am single and prefer Miss.  I used to have a boss that
    insisted on calling me Ms. Christie.  He learned quickly that unless
    he called me Linda or Miss Christie, I ignored him.
    
    Any word containing "person" that was subtituted for "man".  The
    word is MANhole, not PERSONhole.  
    
    Also being referred to by a boss as "my gal", as in "I'll send my
    gal to pick it up".  I would rather he have said my clerk or Linda.
    
    Positive Trigger:
    
    "Good work"
    "Thank you"
    
    
    Linda
    

> [For the uninitiated, I *think* Kathy is referring to the <who? Ann brahm?>
> song that goes "Minnie doesn't like the vacuum, mama doesn't like the dust,
> it's a scary thing for a little cat, for mama it's a house-cleaning must." :-)
> correct me if I'm wrong.]

Haven't heard it, but I'd like to.

I was just wondering if chasing the cat with a vacuum cleaner was another
form of taunting that she enjoyed....

Kathy

My alltime GRRRR is:

"I told you so."  This of course comes in many disguises.

Regardless of what you're told for a purpose, uttering this phrase has
only two outcomes:

	1)  Makes the "tellee" feel bad.

	2)  Makes the "teller" feel superior.

Especially when told to someone who has done something which already
makes that person feel bad.  Guess punishment once isn't enough for
some, eh?

Barb

    re.83 and .84 Been my observation that when someone says 'whatever' 
    it usually means you just picked a nit.

    She slept around to get it.
    Cindi

    RE: .84
    
    His name wouldn't be Bob would it???? That would be too much!
    
    :-)  :-)  :-)  If we do, my sympathies!
    
    
    Kim

    
    
    Rational Recovery.
    
    
    
    E Grace

    "Broad"  As in, "look at that broad"
    
    Tammi

    Alright.  There is no such word, and pretending there is is *not* all
    right, it's all wrong.
    
    Alot.  Same thing.  But then a lot of people seem not to know this.
    
    Its, when what is meant is it's, as in "It's a pleasant day."
    
    Any of the myriad similar abuses of English, when spoken or written by
    native English speakers.
    
    -d

    Regarding "whatever"
    
    My husband must be a polygamist!
    
    Hope y'all have had better luck!
    
    Kate

    "Oh, absolutely!"
    
    Co-dependant
    
    Shame-based
    
    "Nuke 'em!"
    
    The way my teenager whines out 2 syllables in 'Mom': "Mah-ahm!"
    
    Richard

    
    Fingernails on chalkboard trigger word....."irregardless"
    
    
    Good trigger words:
    
    Hugs
    Cookies  (any type at all will do!)
    puppy
    
    
    
    Jamd

Richard:

  Is "Nuke 'em" a trigger word for you in any context, or only in
  certain specific contexts such as when referring to:

    o People in cities

    o Leftovers in the microwave

                                   Atlant

Re: .97

Irregardless, yes, thanks for reminding me.  For the people wno might
not understand why that's a bad trigger word, here's the explanation:

IR- = not

REGARD = attention, regard

-LESS = without

Together these three components mean "not without attention to" which is
*exactly* the opposite of what is meant.  Grrrrrrrr!!!

-s

  The way to correct people gently about "irregardless" is to ask them
  whether they really meant to say "disirregardless."  "Irregardless"
  is an understandable mistake given that "irrespective" is a perfectly
  good word.

  The c-word is very ugly but not without its uses.  Many years ago my
  wife Alison was working in a hardware store / lumber yard.  Alison is
  has certainly known all the words for a long time and is not even averse
  to using them at certain times.  But she was getting tired of the 
  profanity, which she suspected was being used just to annoy her.  So
  during one such session, she announced in a clear, penetrating voice:


           "Watch your f***ing language, there's c*** around."

  That stopped them cold and she never had a problem with that crew again.

  JP

    
    Another biggie for me:  "Pigs", or other derogatory slang, in 
    reference to police officers.
    
    Carla
    

    Sometimes I like to say irregardless in the hopes of annoying people.
    :-)
    
    Words I agree with (as trigger words)
    
    gal
    girl
    miss
    little lady
    the c word  (but I've always liked the f word)
    
    Personal trigger word
    
    Doone
    
    Trigger Phrases:
    
    I haven't got a clue
    Sounds like a personal problem to me
    Quit yer bitchin   (when used in reply to someone who has pointed
                        out a social injustice)
    
    Lorna
    

trigger words;

'this slide speaks to'

		(when somebody is pointing to an overhead slide for a 
		presentation)     ???when did slides start speaking??

"rape"
		hate the sound of it.


girl
lady
wife
husband
in-laws

-N

    I also agree with all racial slurs as trigger words.  It really makes
    me sick when other white/straight/non-Jewish people like me use racist
    phrases when there are no black/gay/Jewish people around.  To me it
    seems like they're thinking, Okay there's none of them around now so we
    can say how we *really* feel!  
    
    Lorna
    

    Hinted at in .104
    
    "Jew" used as a verb.
    
    paul f

    "Breeder" when used to describe people's reproductive habits
    
    "pig" when used to describe people
    
    Mike 

See 858.54 for why...

    Re: .98  "Nuke 'em"
    
    o People (anywhere the Threat-of-the-Month happens to live; Panama,
              Iran, Iraq, Libya, the USSR)

    brazen
    broad
    
    any phrase which implies I am being "oversensitive" and *I'M* the one
    who needs an attitude/opinion adjustment, not them
    
    -Jody
    

    re.109>brazen 
    
    With or without "hussy" ?

    Not-So-Positive Triggers
    ------------------------

    derogatory words describing ethnic origin
    euphemisms (like "transitioned" for "laid off")
    jargon/buzz words/pseudo-acronyms (overused and/or abused)
    gal (never heard this much growing up in Massachusetts, but it's
	  part of the regional vocabulary in Minnesota (where I lived
	  for eight winters) and I never liked the word and never got
	  used to it; it still makes me cringe)
    dentist


    Trigger "Happies"
    -----------------

    ice cream
    any word/phrase/accent pertaining to Scotland or things Scottish
    Latin (even horrendously bad puns like "semper ubi sub ubi" 8*))


    nla              

    

    
    
    words /phrases I'm ready to PUKE over:
    
    Valuing Differances
    
    Politically correct
    
    gun control
    
    womens lib
    
    vision statement
    
    enabling
    
    

    ....and
    
    
    'centered'
    
    'devalue my opinion'
    
    'get in touch with your feelings'
    
    'get counseling'
    
    'my therapist'
    
    

    "I got that"  -  Especially a trigger when said by the man I'm 
                     dating during discussions.  Taken to mean I 
                     understand or I heard you but said in such a
                     way and with such timing as to basically cut
                     off my end of the discussion.
    
    Jan

    re the c-word
    
    guess i'm in the minority - i like that word a LOT...  infinitely
    preferable to the v-word, the p-word, or especially the t-word...
    
    lt

    "I hear you" really burns me. Obviously, you hear me. But do 
    you understand what I am saying?
                             
    Other words:
    
    girl (when it's used to describe some one well out of girlhood)
    the c word
    'dialogue' used as a verb
    'impact' used as a verb
    empower 
    
    
    

                   
    Trigger phrase:
        
    "What you mean to say is . . ."

    
    coed (co-ed?)
    

    And Lee, when you say it with a French accent, it sounds almost musical!
    
    ;->
    
    Sandy
    
    PS:  sorry, no words get my dander up.  Now behaviors...

    I have a sense of closure here.
    ;-)
    
    Nancy

    , BUT....
    
    As in "I hear what you are saying, but...."
    In other words, "Listen to me, I am right...."
    

    re.121 Why do you think they call it a 'reBUTtal' ?

    Re "whatever" as a response to [perceived] nit-picking:  I've
    interpreted it as a one-word version of "I don't want to discuss
    this any more," with overtones of "...and neither you, nor your opinion
    of the importance of this topic, is worth anything to me."  (See
    Humpty-Dumpty on the use of portmanteaus.)
    
    To be honest, I've used "whatever" that way a time or two myself.
    
    aq
    

    I was taught that both alright and all right are correct (or okay, as
    the case may be ;).
    
    Trigger words?  Let me get back to you on that...
    
    aq
    

    Nevermind.
    
    (Especially when it's followed by, "It's not important."!!)
    
    -jc
    

    "You know me, I <something> <something>"
    
       I always want to say, "No I don't know you.  And I hate to think
    you're that predictable.  Don't you ever change your mind. Or you never
    told me that before."  Or something.
    
    "I don't want to talk about it."
    
       Usually said when a burning issue is making one or the other of us
    crazy.  And of couse, it is impossible to make an appointment to
    discuss it because they don't want to talk about it.
    
      Both these phrases are favorites of my Mom's.  Sigh.

    Heard it this morning, some of my worst triggers combined,
    
    
       Potential loss opportunity   Does that mean we win or lose?
    
    phoey, spit, spit, gag.
    
    I only thought passwords got encrypted!
    
    Allison

    "knee-jerk"
    
    it's a reflex.  we all have them.  yes, all of us -- unless we are
    severely damaged neurologically.
    
    and while reflexes aren't triggered by higher brain function, the fact
    that we have them doesn't mean the mind has gone south permanently.
    
      Annie

    When someone pronounces the "T" in often. I was told from first grade
    on, that it was silent. To this day, I fight the desire to correct
    people who do pronounce it, because it's such a widely accepted usage
    of the word. Even Don Henley (one of my favorite artists) pronounces it
    in his hit "End Of The Innocence".
    
    RE: ALOT...This isn't a word, you're correct. It IS two words tho. I
    had an english teacher who used to SCREAM and cringe when someone
    would use it! I wrote a composition in which I told about a lot of 
    jewelery I bought at a garage sale. She marked off points on my paper.
    I looked up "LOT" in the dictonary & told her that a "lot" is number,
    or large amount, and that's exactly what I bought! She gave me back the
    points, too!
    
    Lady doesn't bother me, I hate girl, chick, fox, kitten, or any other
    fuzzy critter, when being referred to by my sex.
    
    "David's Girl" is another one I hate! His grandmother (old country, 84
    years old) was the ONLY one who could call me that! Excuse me, but, I'm
    MY OWN WOMAN, thanks!
    
    Bonnie

                                 'u
  Let 'e' stand in for shwah and  o' stand in for o like in 'pot'.
  '�' is like in 'paw'.

 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

  According to the DEC standard dictionary, the pronounciations
  of "often" are:

            u                u
    �'fen,  of'en,  �f'ten,  of'ten


  You must be triggered often.

                                   Atlant

>  According to the DEC standard dictionary, the pronounciations
>  of "often" are:
>    
>  of'en,  �f'ten,  of'ten

Yes, that is because so many people mispronounced "often" that, through
frequency of misuse, it has become correct.  The English language is
evolving this way.  Along the same lines, eventually "alot" will be a
word.

I'm with Bonnie...despiet the fact that it was mispronounced so often
that it was added to the dictionary, it *still* makes me cringe to hear it.

D!

    
    
    >  Let 'e' stand in for shwah 
    
    I don't *want* to!
    
    E Grace

	Maybe he should have said "understudy" ...


					;-) ;-) ;-)

								--D

    have a nice day  -  AAAAHHHHHHHHHH- I had other plans, dammit!
    
    In my family, it is the ultimate sarcasm.  
    
    have a good day, ain't any better.  
    
    any slurs - racial, sexual, ethnic - ( yet, I to have been guilty on
    occasion 8-{    ).
    
    but I'll take a hug any day, 'cause I need all I can get.
    jimc

pre-woman or woman-child 

a female of the human species, under the age of 12, is a GIRL.  It is silly
to harness the girls out there with silly titles like "pre-women".  Once
she is over 12, "young woman" can be used if you really insist.

DINK, SINK, MUPPIE, YUPPIE, etc. ....according to these, I am a SINK and
a MUPPIE - not very attractive descriptors.

Hey ~r,

Doesn't everyone want to do this?

>  doesn't mean the mind has gone south permanently.
    			     ^^^^ ^^^^^
Barb

    
    "irregardless"
    
    bad spelling drives me nuts, here's one of my top knee-jerks:
    
    "kernel" spelled "kernal", especially by people who work on them
    
    also, "separate" spelled "seperate" (very common)
    
    mixing up usage of "its" and "it's" (about 20% of noters can't
    seem to master this easy rule)
    

    I did think of a word that really bothered me.  At a woman's health 
    club, the individual's chart has a place for the measurement of the 
    "tummy".  Excuse me?  How about "abdomen"?  It just seemed to perfectly
    symbolize the childlike nature expected in women, the "modest"
    ignorance women are expected to have about their bodies, (knowledge of
    women's bodies belonging only to men and only in the recreational realm),
    and the cutesy way women are expected to talk and be talked to;  es-
    pecially when referring to their bodies.  Women are expected to willingly
    diminish the power of their adult bodies to the less threatening, pre-
    pubescent state.  Shaving is the most obvious means to seem more childlike.
    Referring to abdomens as tummies is another one.  I doubt any club that 
    admits men refers to abdomens as tummies.  I certainly didn't join that
    club.
    
    Sandy

"Who's the *real* mother?"

Got that one again yesterday at a talk Shellie and I were giving at 
a United Church of Christ.  The man went on to *insist* that Shellie
could not be Evan's mother, although, he said, she could be his parent.

It really hurt.

The one saving grace was that about 6 women in the audience, most of whom were
around 50 (or 60) years old, were turning around to defend us. 

         Carol

    Have I mentioned "accommodate", one of the  two or three most
    misspelled words in Notedom?

    Oh, I did? Sorry...

    Well, I could add "functionality", which is in the OED, but not as
    used around here. I've been fighting that word for 14 years now.

    In similar fashion, any noun which has been summarily verbed, such
    as "task". When I read that something has been "tasked", I choke.

    I also trigger (I assume that's a valid verb in this context) on
    certain euphemisms, like "opportunity". It's often used in a
    context where the most apt translation would be "the opportunity
    just hit the fan".

    the man who asked the question was a "real mother".  No, not mother
    _of_ anyone;-)

        I dropped an "m" from "accommodate" in the signup note
        for The Grand Party ... perhaps following the example of
        previous replies there ... but it was also after checking
        in my office dictionary that I had the double-"c" and the
        vowels correct!  Oops! (commonly spelled "opps")
        
        One of the most common switches I see in notes is "loose"
        being used for "lose".  
        
        Typos aren't really triggers, though.  So try not to
        loose your patients when you see one. :-)
        
        Dan

    Dan
    
    but how about people who ask for advise?
    
    Bonnie

>> but how about people who ask for advise?
        
        Advice them. :-)
        
        Dan

    Dan :-) X 100
    
    cute pun in your pn, btw
    
    BJ

    .137, Ellen, at least you had milder editors than I did!  You should
    have SEEN all the red marks all over the first piece of writing I ever
    gave S.L. to read!  "kernal" was the least of it!
    
    and then he used "nugatory".  Sent me right to the dictionary.  First
    one consulted didn't even have it.
    
    Sara
    :-)

    re:.137 Only 20% of noters mess up "its" and "it's"?  Well,
    they're doing worse with their there's. (or does one use an apostrophe
    in such instances?)
    
    ed

    Regarding children by adoption versus by birth, the expressions
    "child of _your own_" and "_real_ child".
    	Linda

> (or does one use an spostrophe in such instances?)

For those to whom misspellings are not a nugatory issue, here's my take
on apostrophes in nonpossessives.

Most handbooks offer the option; however, Fowler says that one should
use the apostrophe only in instances that require its presence to
obviate the possibility of confusion.  Therefore, "...doing worse with
their there's" is not proper according to Fowler's guidelines, because
without the apostrophy it would still be obvious what is being said.
"Does one pronounce the ss in `saints'?" is potentially confusing and
should be clarified by writing it as "Does one pronouce the s's in
`saints'?"  On the other hand, "You must have two IDs" is not unclear
and does not require the apostrophe.

Fowler, in case you don't know him, is H.W. Fowler, whose book "Modern
English Usage" is in a second, posthumous, edition and is considered by
many English fanatics to be the ultimate usage authority.

-d

Argh.  If clarification is necessary, the term "birth mother" would do
very well, thank you.  "Real" mother, give us a *break*!

-d

    re:.149:  Please accept my thank yous.
    
    :-)
    
    ed

    re .139 and replies (*real* mother)
    
    Does anybody remember the Velveteen Rabbit's definition of "real"?
    

    I thought of the velveteen rabbit too, I think it has something
    to do with loving something or someone makes what you love real.
    	Linda

    Forgot one:   * illegitimate* child
    By the definitions of "born of parents not married to each other"
    or "not sanctioned by law" (Webster's Ninth) this doesn't bother me. 
    But the inference of there being something wrong with being born to an
    unmarried *woman* and/or growing up without a legal father really
    raises my hackles.
    
    On of(t)en:   Perhaps the vocalization of the 't' is not a
    bastardization after all (no reference to child born to unmarried 
    parents here 8-) .)  The word is an alteration of 'oft'.  

    
    - .1
    
    'illegitimate child' - I think you've put your finger on the father of
    all patriarchal institutions with that one!
    
    DB

    
    
    Velveteen Rabbit, definition of "real"....not verbatim
    
    It's when you've been around enough, and been loved enough, and been
    dragged through the dust enough, and in turned loved others enough,
    that you're more than a little dusty yourself... and most of your fur
    has been worn off in patches, and some of your seams are ready to burst 
    through.  That's when you become "real". 
    
    ..sounds like a definition of a real parent to me!  
    
    
    Jamd

    
    Sadly, I used a trigger word once and lost a good friend because
    of my ignorance. A little background...I was effectively raised
    by my grandmother who was widowed when I was 4. She was one
    of the finest people I've ever known and I probably admired her
    more than anyone. She always spoke lovingly of her husband. 
    One of his pet names for her was doll.
    A while back while conversing with my friend via mail, I told her
    she was a doll. And though I meant it with the best of intentions,
    I now know I truly said the wrong thing....Big time!
    
    I sure learned a lesson from it which is good I suppose.
    I'll always regret the price though.
    
    						Hank

    'Myth' when used to indicate an untruth, as in 'urban myth'. 

>    'Myth' when used to indicate an untruth, as in 'urban myth'. 

According to my dictionary, the second definition (the one I think most
fits the use of the word as used in that context) is "a real or fictional
story, recurring theme, or character type that appeals to the
conciousness of a people by emobdying its cultural ideals or by giving
expression to deep, commonly felt emotions."  *recurring* being the
keyword - I think urban myths are stories that get repeated, in different
versions, over and over. Whether they are true or not is irrelevent - they
typical reflect fears common in our urban culture.

The third and fourth definitions are, respectively, "A fiction or half-truth,
esp, one that forms part of the ideology of a society" and "A fictitious story,
person or thing."

I really don't think the "myth"part of urban myth is meant indicate untruth
(although it may) so much as to reflect that is has become one of many
stories passed from person to person, making its way through the culture,
without anyone really knowing what the source or the story is, or whether it
is, in fact, true.

"Legend" has similar meanings according to my dictionary.  

D!

    re.159 The person who wrote the dictionary doesn't know, either!
    
    Recent study has shown that the ancient myths are true *when you 
    know what the subject really is* - not fictional creatures and
    places, but stars, constellations, planets, and cosmology (or, in
    the precise sense of the word, astrology.) 
    
    The planets were _not_ named after the gods, the gods were named 
    after the _planets_, and the myths chart the changing skies.
    

But Dana...that's the whole point.  The myth (the story *itself*, taken
literally) may or may not be true. but it points to a greater truth about
the people telling the story.  So Urban myths are definitely that.

Also, just because some research indicates that some ancient myths were
truer than previously thought does not change the definition of the word
"myth".

D!

    Homophobic stuff, which I get too kneejerk livid about to discuss even
    in an acerbic fashion. 
    
    "Entertainment" as applied to sleeping pills like Spielberg, sit-coms,
    and Broadway plays.  It seems to mean "tediously predictable" but in a
    positive way.
    
    Mostly I like the American language so much that I can live with just
    about anything.  I've heard enough pretty despicable words jump out of
    pretty respectable people that it's hard to hold a grudge against 'em.
    It's all in the tone of voice, don't you know.
    
    But "opportunity" has got to go,
    Ray

I am mostly "read only" in these conferences, but I have a few comments on
the meaning of words.  

I think that perhaps a little more tolerance might be in order for those of
us who grew up in an earlier time, when various words had different meanings
than they do now.  A word or phrase that was perfectly innocent in the 50s
when I was growing up, might get a younger generation of people ticked off
when they hear it now. 

A few years ago I committed what amounted to political suicide at a Digital
facility where a group of women were being very unfairly treated by a 
sexist supervisor.  I am not an "activist" my any means, but I spoke out
against the treatment they were receiving because it was wrong.

The only reason I mention this is to demonstrate that a person doesn't have
to be from an "enlightened" generation to get involved with "valuing 
diversities".

Words like "sexist" and "diversity" were not a part of the every-day vocabulary
when I was growing up and even though it is everyone's responsibility to make
an honest effort to keep in touch with the times, I would ask for a little more
compassion for those of us from an older generation who may unintentionally
offend someone with an innocent remark. 

No one has more respect for women's rights than I do, but if I should 
inadvertently show my age by making an innocent remark like "My wife
is out with the girls," I would appreciate not having a hundred people
jump down my throat.

Wes

    What's wrong with a phrase like "my wife is out with the girls"?
    If my wife goes out with her female friends she tells me she's going
    out with the girls.
    I don't think the word girls in this context is at all sexist, but more
    a way to express that the particular group shares a common interest and
    friendship.
    
    Charles Mallo

     Re -2:
    
    Well put, Wes. I couldn't agree more.
    
    M_
    

    "must", used in a context where people are projecting feelings onto
    other people.
    
    "Oh, that must make you very angry!" or "You must be ecstatic" or "That
    must really hurt".
    
    My response is: why must it?  What if it doesn't make me angry or
    ecstatic or hurt?  Does that mean there is something wrong with me?  It
    is awfully trite as well as unuseful to project feelings onto me.  If
    you really care how it makes me feel, you could ask!  Or you could say
    "That would make me very angry" or "I would guess that you are
    ecstatic" or "it sounds like that really hurts you".
    
    D!

D!

	You must feel really good to have gotten that off your chest.


						--D ;-)

    as in:
    
    Q:  "who's funding this project?"
    A:  "Indirect"
    Q:  "OK, so it's indirect funding; _who_ is funding?"
    A:  "<pause> ...  Indirect"
    Q:  "<sigh> ... OK, so what is Indirect's _first_ name?"
    A:  "Ann, you certainly have a flaky sense of humour <chuckle, chortle, and
         walking away>"
    
    I may have to retire to the flotation tank after stopping off to unload
    a primal scream ...
    
      Annie

    
    "Strident" - as used in one of today's replies to the "Rathole".
    It puts me off every time, I shut down and stop listening
    (not that anyone using the word might care, but ... )
    
    Oh, a related one is "shrill".
    

    "anal-retentive"......what a terrible way to compliment
    someone (yes, it was used in a manner as to supposedly be 
    a compliment!)
    
    HRH

Oh, that's funny.  I heard it used as a compliment within the last day, too!

My sweetie has several managers, and she manages her relationships with
them in different ways.  She was annoyed that the one who usually forgets
nothing actually had forgotten to tell her something important.  She had
to explain to me how calling him anal-retentive was a compliment!  

DougO

    "Anal-retentive" _is_ over-used, and probably one of the guiltiest
    people you could find in over-using it ...
    
    in part of my jubilant mail to friends all over the 'net announcing my
    acceptance into Digital's Financial Development Program, the following
    line appeared:
    
    ' ... this means, among other things, that in three years' time I will
    be a highly polished, world class anal-retentive, so WATCH IT!! '
    
      Annie

    re .172
    
    so, Annie, does that make me (as a proud? fdp grad) a highly
    polished, world-class anal retentive?  i don't know if that's
    better or worse than any of the other epithets that have been
    used to describe me!
    
    by the way, if you ever need help with anything related to fdp
    feel free to contact me.
    

    
    
    What is this new obsession with the word agenda?
    
    
    And why is it now cool to accuse someone of having an agenda?
    
    
    
    N
    

    
    >And why is it now cool to accuse someone of having an agenda?
    
    Is it cool?
    
    I usually use that phrase when I think someone is trying to
    achieve a personal goal that involves me somehow but that they
    haven't informed me of. It usually means I'm nervous/scared.
    
    'gail
    

    information sharing :== "I'll tell you what you need to know, not all
    that *I* know"
    
    Burns me up !
    
    Jerry

    re: .176
    Maybe i don't understand the full sense of what You're saying.  Are we
    talking about work?  Why do You feel slighted to receive only what You
    need to do Your part of the job?  
    While i understand the comfort of having the "BIG picture", i suspect
    You aren't accustomed to working in a security-conscious environment.
    Or maybe that's MY problem; i've been doing it for too long.
    
    re: .175
    Here!  Here!  Second Your motion.  It's the HIDDEN agenda that ticks me
    off.
    
    	[dale]
    

    waitron.   grr...it dehumanizes people who work gosh darned hard for a
    living.
    
    
    E Grace

    E, I though "waitron" was used to avoid sexist discrimination between
    "waiters" and "waitresses", being a non gender specific term!  I
    thought you would *like* it,
    
    I don't like the word, myself...
    
    D!

    I've never understood why we need an oh-so-cute pseudoword like
    "waitron" when we have a perfectly good word -- server -- to indicate
    the function of the persons in question.
    
    -d

    There is nothing wrong with the word "waiter" being applied to all
    waiters.  After all, I call myself an "acter".
    
    I found "waitron" reminiscent of robots and androids.  
    
    
    E Grace
    

    I always use 'waitress' as the default, unless the particular
    waitress is male. (Since 9 out of 10 waitresses are female it
    just makes sense ;-) )

    Well, *I* hate "-ess" suffixes. (Almost as much as "-ette," which is
    _really_ abominable.) 
    
    But I'll admit, though there's no logical reason for it, I find it hard
    to refer to a female serving person (!) as "waiter". ("Actor" is OK,
    for some reason... maybe I just need to practice. "Oh, waiter...")
    
    -b

    -b,
    
    not "act o r", "act e r", one who acts.
    
    E Grace

    So what's wrong with -tor? Creator, predator (I've never heard a female
    bear called a predatress... or would that be "predatrix"? Oh, bother!)
    
    ;-)
    
    -b

    -b,
    
    Mediator - mediatrix
    Creator - creatrix		(Really.  I mean it, it's legit.)
    Executor - executrix	(In re: the will of a deceased person.)
    
    Can't think of any more at present, but they're there.  The -or suffix
    usually does imply male.  Predator is "male" because, except for the
    domestic cat, animals are generally thought of as male unless specified
    by a gender-specific term.  Even "lion," which is the generic term for
    felis leo, is actually the male gender-specific term, "lioness" being
    its female counterpart.
    
    -d

 Dominator- dominatrix? ;^)

    
    RE -1
    That's right Mark.
    :-)
    
    My hated word....
    
    BREEDER.
    
    Reactors or heterophobia, it's never a healthy word (to me).
    'gail
    

    Amelia Earhart was an Aviatrix.
    
    ed

Trix are for kids. :-)

Dan

    Pustefix?
    

    The only kind!! :-)
    
    D!

             -<The B*tch is back>-
    
    "You need to be more, er, "charming"....
    
    Why can't I be, me, and be accepted for what I am?  Why
    aren't my "differences" valued and accepted?
    
    HRH