Conference turris::womannotes-v3

�    First- 
�    My husband and I don't drink.  What does one do at a cocktail party
�    when one does not drink coctails?

	In this day & age, with people becoming more and more aware and
cautious about folks drinking, you should have no trouble.  There are sure to
be soft drinks.  When I'm not drinking, I drink club soda with a lime or lemon
and that usually looks enough like a drink that most people don't think twice
about it. (Not that I care.)

							--D

Cindi, unfortunately I don't have any advice to offer; however I'm somewhat 
relieved to see that somebody else worries about this, too!  Bob is forever
worried that someone will say something to tee me off; I have zero control when
I *really* lose my temper (a rarity, nowadays).

I use the smile and nod method, combined with asking about the other person and
not talking religion or politics.

One thing, tho -- names.  I'm *AWFUL* at remembering names.  Hope you're better;
if not, loop to "smile and nod".....

good luck!

Sara

    
    
    I have been to many of these things with a past lover and I found that
    just being myself was the best thing to do.  Everyone seemed to be
    enchanted with that and I always held my own in conversation.  You
    don't have to be an "acoutrement".  You can be a real asset in your
    own right.  As to the semi-formal dress, I have worn both business
    suits and dresses.  It depends on where these things are held.  If it's
    a real fancy restaurant or private home, just dress accordingly and
    you'll be fine.  And don't worry, these people won't bite.  The best
    way to view these things, in my opinion, is to picture everyone nude.
    It puts things in perspective.  People are people - even lawyers. 
    Don't be intimidated.
    
    Sue
    
    
    

    Don't tell any lawyer jokes...
    
    :-)
    
    ed

 Comment about the irony in the lawyer wearing the sharkskin suit... ;^)

    I would recommend wearing a coctail dress or a dressy dress... suits
    are more suitable for corporate offices... a cocktail is a kind of
    dressy party.
    Just be yourself and don't worry a bit! the best thing a person can do
    is be polite, attentive, and enjoy yourself and the people around. 
    I've been to many of these gatherings and have found the widest types
    of personalities and treat them all the best I can regardles who they
    are; I treat them politely, very natural and friendly and believe me, 
    the "higher" a person is, the more they like to be treated that way.
    A woman can mingle with both, groups of men or groups of women, why
    should a person be categorized under a certain group? the more variety
    the better and it is certainly unimportant if you are married or not
    this is just a coctail party, something that might take 1 hr or might
    take 2, no more...
    Relax, enjoy, and just be yourself, (polite, friendly, nice, you"ll
    love it!)
    Have fun, Ana
      

    Ok- about the jokes... Let me get it out now, since you have been
    so kind.
    
    -  What do you call 5000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
    
    - A good start.
    
    -----------------------------------
    That over with-
    Thank you Thigpen-S. I C now : 
    
    int cocktail()
    {
    for (arrive at gathering,leave=FALSE; leave; minute++)
        { if (smile && nod) make_it_through;
    	  drink_tonic++;
    	  dont_punch_partners= TRUE;
    	  dont_wear_anyone_elses_dress = TRUE;
    	  greet_people= TRUE;
    	  if (sick) leave=TRUE;
    	  if ( enough_time ) leave = TRUE;
           }
         !  or was it - Nod and Smile... :->
    return ( home for evaluation );
     }
    I like the algorithm.- I think I will carry it with me.
    
    ---------------------------------
    
    I feel much better about it.
    Although, since we have a "gracious host" who has "once again
    been generous enough to offer their lovely home". So the dress
    issue is still up in the air. I guess SO will have to ask around
    on that.  He suggested that he go first, scope out the attire,
    and then call me and tell me what to wear.  I told him that would
    not do.  Separate entrances might signal domestic disharmony. So
    we will have to do it some other way.
    
    -------
    
    Does Ms. Manners handle this?
    Cindi
    

    I'm another non-drinker, and have had to do my share of these things. 
    There will be non-acoholic beverages available.  Many folks will simply
    have a glass in their hand as a prop, and not really *drink* the thing
    at all.  The younger you are, the better off you are to follow that
    advice - take two or three sips off the top, hold the glass until the
    ice melts, repeat as necessary.
    
    The best way to avoid topics which cause you to go up in smoke is to
    ask them questions.  I've found that asking about what they enjoy most
    about their work, or what they find most satisfying in their life, are
    ways to get interesting, positive discussions started.  Asking how they 
    got involved or interested in what they do also works well.  Whoever is
    hosting the party, and more experienced members of the office staff,
    may try to put you at ease be asking similar questions.  Enjoy it when
    it happens.
    
    Alison

I would second the recommendatation against lawyer jokes, but not for the
reasons you might think. You will bore your listener - laywers have heard them
all before. If you like, you might ask if they know any good ones! I've heard
my best lawyer jokes from lawyers (my father in law is a lawyer.)

I've been to a couple of lawyer cocktail parties, and it greatly depends on
the age of the participants and size of the party. In a small party of people
your age - be yourself. In a large party of people older than you - smile and
nod.

	-- Charles

    Hmm, appropriate dress, eh?  Beats me.  Wait!  Go to some department
    stores, and ask to look at some cocktail dresses.  (Purchase of same
    is very, very optional.)  To be ultra-cunning, have your husband find
    out where the wifal (wifel?  wyfe?) units of his same-level co-workers
    shop for clothes, and specifically check out *those* stores' cocktail
    dresses.
    
    Low level warning:  You are liable to encounter SOs who are "just
    housewives".  This has the potential for being a conversation-stopping
    gambit.  However, I have gotten past this by asking, "What do you
    specialize in?"  (This, being an odd and unexpected question, generally
    causes a blank look on the part of the recipient.  I always expect to
    continue my question with the following.)  "Baking?  Garden?  Small
    children?  Tidy?"  The face lights up and the conversation advances.
    
    						Ann B.

    Ann, for shame....housewives by any other name would/should/could be
    valued contributors to the community.
    
    Things like gardening, cooking, recycling programs, child rearing
    if done well require skills that a lot of us do not possess.
    
    And you may be surprised an efficient housewife might read a lot and
    enjoy many of the same subjects that you do.
    
    I would suggest if you meet someone that says that they are a housewife
    you assume they are talented in some area that you might not be and 
    phrase your question not defensively but with a great deal of respect.
    You might be surprised at the answer.
    
    I would love to be a housewife.  I think they have a great potential
    with unlimited opportunity.  I am not a good housewife because I am not 
    self motivated and require a lot of structure to accomplish what I do.
    
    
    I know many housewives are 'twits'....but many programmers are 'nerds'
    and we love them!
    
    
    

    who saaid they were twits?  I think Ann was just trying to communicate
    with them.  Find something in common.  Bring something out of them that
    THEY find interesting, and that they feel they do well.
    
    -Jody
    

    Tact-                                               
       about the professions, and SO's spouses versus non spouses-
    one must use tact or not say anything.  I don't know that I have
    that much tact, so I imagine it will be safer not to say anything.
    I hope that will avoid stepping on their toes.  I imagine they may
    think it is a bit anti-social... but I will be safe.
    
    My largest fear now (Thanks you guys you have cleared up the
    conversation, networking, clothing, and drinking issues ) is
    that someone will say something really snide about "Inner City Youths",
    or "Single Parent Homes", or "The appropriate place for women"
    and my hot buttons will go off. (My Mom specifically pointed out these 
    keys to me.)   I can feel the smoke pumping out of my ears just
    thinking about it.  I haven't figured out if I can smile and nod
    affectively through that yet.  Maybe I could just say, excuse me,
    and then go outside, give a primal scream, and then come back in.
    
    But that is just a continuation of my own personal nightmare.
    
    The rest of the suggestions have been outstanding, and I
    will take them to heart. Thank you again.
    
    
    Now if only I could lose 160 lbs. in 2 weeks without cutting off
    a little over half of my body, I would have it made.
    
    Cindi

    If you feel uncomfortable at any point, you can always leave.  Are you
    going there to "make an appearance" for politics sake or to have a good
    time?  
    
    Can you and your husband create a "keyword" that you can say to him if
    you feel uncomfortable and wish to leave early?
    
    -Jody
    

    If they have shrimp- we will try and have a good time.
    Watercress sandwiches, and my cycle depending, we will just make an
    appearance. ;->
    
    Seriously though,
    
    He is just an intern, he will be back at school in the fall (I hope).
    So his impressions make small points towards eventual full time
    placement.  We need to do it right.
    
    Yes- we can- make a signal- 
    If I start to feel the bile start to rise, or the smoke start to
    pump out of my ears, I should get out ASAP.
    I hadn't thought of it. A signal...
    
    It would save the time of arguing "Do we have to go now?" in the
    event that trouble pops up.
    
    Savvy- I like it.
    
    I am much comforted.
    
    Cindi-
    
    P.S. - The help has been invaluable.  I have been supported, enlightened, 
    patched up, and walked through some major anxieties. All in a day,
    with multiple heads and experiences working on it. Outstanding.
    
    

>    that someone will say something really snide about "Inner City Youths",
>    or "Single Parent Homes", or "The appropriate place for women"
>    and my hot buttons will go off.

Well, give 'em a chance. Lettem finish the sentence or paragraph
before you blow.  One does not wish to blow at some stranger's 
poorly delivered humor. Should you run into someone with ideas
quite different from your own, you might debate the idea. The party
is not being given as an insult opportunity.

Wear what you feel comfortable in.  So far this summer, I've run
across fur stoles and levis at the same events (weddings and 
funerals), so be comfortable.

Drinks: No one cares what you drink, but it is polite to look at
the bar or whatever and ask for what they have. 

Ah ... the names bit. Ask your SO just whose name your are expected
to recognize. It will not be wonderful to ask the head of the firm 
"and where do you work?" after you have been introduced. While you're
not expected to recognize the entire letterhead, a few names are 
polite to recognize. Would you not bad-eye your SO if he failed to
recognize Ken O?  

Things that might be fun to hear a clutch of lawyers talk about: 

 How good do they think they are at recognizing people lie in court,
 and what are the clues. (Dick and I heard a judge talk about this 
 year and while his confidence in his judgement was a bit disconcerting,
 the judge has some interesting points.)
 
 Sound them out on the TV ads for lawyers. They're all over
 Boston television these days, and I'd be interested in knowing what
 the old hands think of them.

 Family fights over money. While they can't discuss their own cases,
 they can chat about known cases. Inheritance cases almost border on
 science fiction!

 How much they love/hate their computers. 

I loved "5,000 lawyers." I'm jealous there are no tech writer jokes.

    I just reread Ann's note and have to humbly admit I never got past the
    'just a housewife' line....

RE Various:

  o Remember, no one else can see the smoke coming out of your ears,
    unless you point it out to them.

  o Besides the keyword for "We really *HAVE* to go now", you may
    want to somehow arrange subtle keywords for "(sh)he's a racist
    a*****e, just say 'hello' and go" or "May strike you as wierd
    but persevere", etc.  which could be used during the introduction.

  o Remember, everybody likes to talk about what they do.  And if
    they also use a computer and they know you "do computers", the
    topic of "computers and lawyers" will probably bore you long
    before it bores them.

                                   Atlant

Cindi, this topic is a riot!  mainly because it covers so much of what I have
both done and worried about doing in a similar situation!

DON'T buy new shoes.  I did once, and the &%#(^%@) things BROKE that very night.
Had to walk around the rest of the evening on one highheel and one tippytoe.
(You who wear 'em <Kath?  L.J.?  others??>  how DO you do it?)  Plus they cost
twice what the also-new dress did.

DO practice the icy smile.  Combined with a glazed stare, at no particular point
at all on the wall above and behind the head of the offender, it is most
effective at conveying your distaste, in a civil way, for racist/offcolor/etc
statements that hit your hot buttons.

I love the keyword suggestion, especially Atlant's idea of incorporating them
into intros.  Works for both 'who to avoid' and 'who to remember'.

Most important, have fun!

Sara

    I have no choice but to buy new shoes.
    Cobble stones got the pumps I have.    :-(
    
    --------------------------------------------------------------
    
    Regarding, letting them finish when/if off color humor/remarks starts...
    
    I have to take a deep breath in... just thinking about it.
    
    I'm trying to learn a lesson from 'Ren.  
    It is a hard lesson.  It is kind of painfull. But nonconfrontational
    definately feels like the way to go in that situation.
               --- but ----
    Blood pressure, watch out.
    
    I managed to make it through them on my interview here.  But I figured
    that with time, I could work around them (In the manner I described in
    Witty remarks .) - 
    
    But in an environment where one is trying ones best not to make a bad
    impression, and one does not have the luxury of time to counter the
    stereotype I think I would just get angry at the initial deficit some
    individuals perceptions put us at.
    
    Just considering it makes my head hurt.
    
    -----
    
    Just thinking about the shoes...
        makes my feet hurt.
    
    ------
    
    Cindi-
    
    Nod, Smile, nod, smile, nod, smile- just practicing.
    
    P.S.- To tell the truth, I think most of the angst that is left stems
    from elsewhere.  I'm bad at redirecting anxiety that way.  The party
    itself represents a possible change in life style for my SO and I.
    Before now, I being the older of the two, have been the primary
    provider over our 5 year relationship.  With his new endeavors, begins
    a new world where he starts his potential to take over that role.
    The public role that I fear is left to me, is that of secondary provider,
    hostess, and party companion.---and I am afraid to mess that up.
    But this is possibly another topic.  I will look for it.
      

    
    One of the interesting things you will learn by keeping silent about
    your hot buttons is how everyone ELSE feels. You will learn a LOT by
    looking at who nods, who smiles, who frowns, who cringes.
    
    Take some mental notes. You may find that you can make very good
    friends from the cringers. Or at least strike up a conversation that
    makes you comfortable in that you already know that they have a similar
    hot button. And if you end up talking to those people all evening, then
    you'll have a nice basis of people to talk to at the NEXT one.
    
    Remember, this is only the FIRST cocktail party.  :-

    Hmmm, I just had a thought.  Untested, but it might work.
    
    Before hand, come up with an innocuous phrase, something like "I see",
    or "Oh, is that how you feel?" or something.  In your mind, translate
    that phrase as "You are a wrong-headed ignorant )*!#(*@!!!"  Use that
    phrase only when someone says something that *really* pisses you off,
    and you can't possibly come back with a sugary educational type
    statement.  Instead, when someone says "The real problem in this
    country is the inner city kids" you can say "I see" and what you are
    *really* saying is "WHAT A MORON YOU ARE!!!" but no one but you (and
    maybe your husband???) will know.
    
    You could practice ahead of time - totally eliminate the phrase from
    your vocabulary except as a substitute for something really nasty that
    you aren't allowed to say.  Maybe this will help you feel vented
    without pissing off the person you are venting at.
    
    D!

I would be cautious about dressing up _too_ much. Some cocktail parties
are very casual. At others, people really _do_ wear "cocktail dresses".
A lawyer's gathering might require different dress than other sorts of
social events. I don't remember when this party is. If it's after work,
business dress is probably appropriate. If it's on the weekend, then I
would think that dress depends on the style of the hosts and of the 
office in general. Could your hubby make discreet inquiries amongst the 
women about what they plan to wear? ("My wife is nervous about this. Could 
you give me some hints so that I can help her figure out how to dress 
for this?")  Sounds a little silly, since you're the one who's trying to 
help _him_, but that approach would probably get the desired results.

As for conversation, I agree with those who suggest asking questions.
I sometimes put on my journalist persona when I'm feeling shy at a 
party. I interview people about their work, how they got into it, what
they enjoy about it, etc. It's kind of fun, actually. And if you meet
someone especially tuned in, they might even ask the same questions 
of you!

I also like the idea of studying the names of people before you go --
maybe your hub could write out a "crib sheet" of the office hierarchy.
That worked for me one time when I met a very large family all at once.
I knew every sibling's name, the name of each S.O., and even the name
of the dog before I got there.

Best of luck. Let us know how it goes.


Liz

    I couldn't care less for the name of enyone's dog...  are we planning
    to be friends with the dog? or with the person? let the person tell YOU
    about her/him! and if he loves his dog will talk about it too!
    
    To learn everything beforehand sounds like work instead of fun...
    
    and now I put in my smily face... life is so much fun! let's leave our
    fears aside... who needs them? it only serve to complicate our lives...
    
    I love parties and have attended many! but if I had to do homework
    before I attend them... wouldn't have been at any. (I work 8 hrs in an
    office on a daily basis... that is enough).
    

    D!
    
    I've learned how to do that... it *does* work!
    
    :-)
    
    BJ

    I will try the substitution word.  The first one that came to mind 
    was "Riiiiiight". But if said with feeling, that would convey too
    much of my emotions.--- I must think of something else.  I must
    also remember not to confuse it with the code word that means
    get out of there. Worry, worry , worry, worry.
    
    ------
    
    'Ren, you are right.  I had not quite thought of all of the
    ramifications of that.  I only have one dress.  It will be years
    before I think I can afford to buy another one.  Maybe if I only
    go once a year, they won't notice?  Groan.
    
    ------
    
    I asked my SO his opinion about the whole thing.
    He said, "Don't think about it.  Worrying just makes you nervous, and
    being nervous just makes you spill things." But then he usually
    sees the glass as half full. Mutter, Mutter, mutter.
    
    -------
    
    Angst, angst, angst...
    
    Smile, and nod, smile and nod, smile and nod - practice.
    
    Cindi
    

Sounds familiar ... when you're in a long, earnest conversation with me,
and I come back with "Right, I see", or a semi-appropriate chuckle, it usually
means I got sidetracked by something you said two minutes ago and have no idea
what you've been saying since.

RE:          <<< Note 852.22 by TLE::TLE::D_CARROLL "dyke about town" >>>

Hmmm.  That's interesting.  I see.



Feeling like Mr Smartass today!  ;-)

        Fascinating.
        
        Dan

    keep in mind that LOTS of folks HATE cocktail parties: when in doubt,
    look for someone standing alone and nervous - they will be verrrry
    relieved to have someone to talk to...
    
    lee

    
    Forget all the special clothes and special voice and special hair. Be
    yourself. If someone doesn't like you, tough sh!t. If you are a "real
    person" and call the shots when you see them, most people will like
    you. Some will not.
    
    The only real constant I have is me. I will have me 'til I die. I am not
    going to give me up for the sake of pretense or social brown nosing. 
    
    Kate, (in my clothes, with my voice, singing my song)
    
    (Oh gosh, I'm beginning to sound like Frand Sinatra in My Way! }8^O.
    
     
    

I've been thinking about the 'dress' part of this.  Whatinheck *is* a "cocktail
dress" anyhow?  Just the name gives me the willies and raises my hackles,
alternately.  But, in any case --

I remembered that infamous phrase, "the little black dress".  How 'bout one of
those?  Can be worn plain, dressed up w/jewelry or other accessories, or dressed
down for that matter with other kinds of jewelry or accessories, and is 
suitable for a wide range of occasions -- except weddings (I'm old-fashioned
about some things!).

Mind you, *I* can't wear unrelieved black.  In black I look like I died three
days ago -- ghastly pale, and it makes my hair look dull.  But I think most
people look fine in black, elegant and cool.

Sara

    
    re: .32  As an alternative and perhaps making a similar statement as
    the "little black dress", would be something equally simple in a 
    jewel-tone (fuschia, deep purple, jade green, etc).   Very elegant 
    with the "right" accessories.
    
    Carol

    The one dress I have, is one I purchased for a practice semi-formal
    (thrown by MIT students) in february (it was also a first).  I got 
    it in black, with slightly ornate pearlish buttons on the black
    lace jacket.  It is close to what my mom told me to get (long distance
    from NYC)- "You may also want to wear it for Eric's gatherings", she
    said, "so don't get anything TOO formal".--- Mom's are psychic. I
    am convinced, it must be a skill they get when they lose the ability
    to sleep, and gain the ability to hear you breathing in your sleep
    several miles away.(Also to call at inopportune ;-> moments, I think
    the mom alarm goes off.)
    
    It matches the prescribed dress here... However, the gathering IS
    after work, so.... that is why I considered getting a suit. (Also
    it is a good excuse to spend the money on it.)
    
    We have reached an accord on this.
    
    Cindi

    
    If you don't have a suit, get a suit. Any excuse is worth it...

>Mind you, *I* can't wear unrelieved black.  In black I look like I died three
>days ago -- ghastly pale, and it makes my hair look dull.  But I think most
>people look fine in black, elegant and cool.

Sara, take heart!  The ghastly-pale-dressed-in-unrelieved-black look is
called Gothic and it's in this year!!  :-)

D! 

well I could play Morticia, without makeup.  Well, maybe I'd need to darken the
circles under my eyes! ;-)  Carolyn Jones was brunette, yes?

Sara

    I have a suit... 
       I was going to consider using it as an excuse to by a new suit...
    
    You know...
        "Oh sure I have some suits... but this is a SPECIAL event...
    it requires a SPECIAL suit.   You don't want me going in interview
    blue do you? or pseudo professional green?  or funeral black? What
    would your co-workers THINK!!!"
    
    This is a man that complained when I bought the semi-formal dress,
    even though my mom...no Mother;-> had paid for it.  Then when
    he began his internship paid $650 for his starting day's clothes
    (without having any money yet). He had this excuse "this is for my 
    FIRM, that was just a semi formal". So I was thinking about turning 
    it backwards "this is for your FIRM's cocktail party".
    
    A simple machination, but it may work..
    
    Cindi

    re .32, .36:
    Do you know Kim Wallach's song, "You Must Wear Black"?

    It was a lot of fun.
    
    The people were good.
    
    I was careful not to dip any of the finger foods into sauces, so
    I didn't spill anything.
    
    Gingerale was as available as wine.
    
    The dress was corporate, but the men were invited to take off
    their suit jackets upon entering.
    
    Casual... almost.
    
    It was not until we left that my husband explained that the
    majority of individuals there were hiring partner types.
    
    I'm almost glad I did not know.
    It would have been more difficult.
    
    
    Thank you,
    The were well versed in the smile and not theory.
   ... and several of them had attended Cocktail Party 101 & 102.
    They said we passed.
    
    :->
    Cindi

Yay Cindi!

    Aw, but Cindi, the question is whether you'll ever (willingly) go to
    another?!?
    
    Glad this first one worked out OK for you!
    Karen

    It is hard to believe but... 
    
    I explained at the outset that I was trying to do the "spouse thing", 
    fairly soon after another guest started explaining how not dropping
    things was part of Cocktail Party 101.  I smiled, and the rest of
    the time everything was referred back to Cocktail Party 101.  Everyone
    had a blanket under which to discuss the waiters and the food and
    any discomfort/concerns they had.
    
    Two women and one guy explained their fear of spilling things.
    (Immediately afterwards, one of them did, but... it was laughed
    off with "You'll just have to go back to that week in 101").
    
    We mostly agreed that doing the "wife thing" or being a spouse/SO
    at your partner's event was sometimes difficult.  So we placed
    actions done towards this end in Cocktail party 102, as we were
    sure it was a higher level of interaction.
    
    We had a good hook through which it was easy to swing from
    conversation to conversation on.
    
    I imagine that the comfort level was largely a function of
    the individuals involved... and I would not mind returning to
    this particular group again....
    
    In fact... we are invited to their outing this weekend...
    ... and they have already got me set up with my volleyball team.
    
    I would go again- the food and company were great.
    
    Cindi