Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    No.  I did that 4 times in the past, I gave up all my friends and
    focused on them thinking we were COMPLETE, a universe unto ourselves. 
    Having done it differently last time, I now know that having a
    significant-other type relationship without the balance and perspective
    of other friends is (in my case) doomed to failure.  
    
    In furthering this goal, I will try to ensure any future SO's are not
    terribly jealous, and also have a good distribution of friends that we
    share, and friends that he has on his own (his own hobbies, his own
    groups, etc), so that balance and growth are optimized, we both get to
    enjoy time together and time apart, and nobody feels "trapped" (aka
    "the ties that bind are the ropes that choke"....)
    
    -Jody
    

    
    	It's up to each individual.  I'm a free spirit and very
    	independent.  And my friends, attached or unattached, are
    	very important to me.  I wouldn't give them up for anything.
    	My husband and I have a very good relationship.  We don't 
    	crowd each other's space and know when the other needs
    	time to him/herself.  I'm a bit more outgoing than he is
    	so I spend a lot of time out with my single girlfriends.
    	Some people, however, once they find that special someone,
    	revolve their world around that one person.  I personally
    	feel that isn't healthy but hey, if that's what they want
    	to do...it's their choice.
    
    	JJ
    

I know with me "giving  up friends" has not been intentional...but face it- a 
person with an SO is a different person than who they were before. I still see
one of my old friends, but it's so different now..I talk about the house, Mike,
the cats...homey type things...She talks about how drunk she got last Friday
and her roommate is a jerk and...Single type things. There simply is no 
common ground...we still love each other very dearly, but there is no common
ground anymore. 

dee

    
    
    I know that when I begin to date someone, I go thru an adjustment
    period.  My life is very full as it is, and when someone new comes into
    it, it's very difficult trying to find the right balance between the
    new and the old.  In the past I've found myself dropping things
    completely during the "adjustment" period, and then found out that when
    things settled down and I went back to pick those things back up, they
    were gone.  
    
    There was a period in my life where I hinged on the acceptance of the
    new person in my life and thus I centered my life around them.  I'm
    much more comfortable with diversity in my life now, which helps
    me to be much happier all-round.  While I still find myself struggling
    thru adjustment periods, retaining the old ties and attempting to
    maintain them thru that adjustment helps so much more in the long run.
    
    While there are times that I momentarily lose sight of a healthy
    balance for me, those times no longer rule my relationships.
    
    
    kath

    
    Its interesting... because of school and some workaholic/notaholic
    tendencies, my social life gets seriously back-burnered. And one of the
    things that I've noticed is that the SO usually does not get the
    quality hours as quality time. He'll get the 11pm-7am slot. Now, mind
    you, that's a BIG slot, but there are certain necessary activities that
    most people fit into that slot that may get compromised.
    
    My SO can also get earlier time slots if he's willing to share them. I
    am happiest with an SO who likes my friends and whom my friends like.
    But I get antsy when I haven't seen my friends for a while. I also do a
    lot of social lunches so that I'll have a chance to see friends. And I
    have a high phone bill.
    
    Since I've never had a REAL SO, i.e. a husband, I don't know how things
    would change. But I expect that a lot of it will depend on which
    person I've known longer, and the depth of the friendship. And some of
    it depends on whether my SO or my friend NEEDS my time.

    and 'ren
    
    those who love you put up with it....
    
    hugs
    
    bon

    It's funny...I can identify with each of the responses so far. My SO
    (3 year, live-in boyfriend) & I are VERY good friends. We both enjoy
    fishing, skiing, camping, & many other common interests. I suppose I
    don't spend as much time with my close friends as I used to, like Joee,
    my "BESTEST" buddy, & ex-roomie, before Dave. But I think I enjoy the
    time we DO spend together, more than I did before Dave came along. It
    seemed like we were getting bored with each other, but just keeping the
    friendship going, because there wasn't really any reason to break up,
    like a fight or some great distance. Now, when Joee & I get together,
    it's just like old times!! Things are better.
    
    It's kind of strange, tho, cuz Joee & Dave only tolerate each other, I
    guess, out of mutual respect for me. They don't hate each other or any-
    thing, and each respects my relationship w/ the other. I think Joee,
    herself, realizes that our relationship was begining to suffer & that
    if Dave (or maybe even someone else) hadn't come along, we just may
    have gone our seperate ways. I think she appreciates his presence in my
    life.
    
    Dave & I have turned HIS friends, and MY friends, into OUR friends, &
    neither of us has had to (or even felt that we've had to) give up any
    of them!
    
    (the other) Bonnie

    Rick & I have very few friends that can be called "Ours" on a permanent
    basis.  We each have friends that drift in and out of the "Ours"
    category.
    
    For instance, Rick and Shawn are great friends.  They see each other at
    work, they go on camping trips together, they get bored and play
    croquet 'til they drop.  Sometimes I get involved in their activities
    and get-togethers, but Shawn is Rick's friend.  But there
    was a time when we were singing together that Shawn was a buddy of
    mine.  I'd call and we'd go to the 'Dead concert [Rick didn't want to
    go]. Or he'd call me and tell me about this great Vietnamese restaurant
    [Rick _did_ want to do this one].  When other demands forced me to quit
    the group, Shawn and I drifted apart, but his relationship with Rick
    was unaffected.
    
    Some of my friends Rick doesn't even want to meet.  He knows I love
    them, but the things I share with these friends are not things he
    wishes to get involved with.
    
    We spend quality time together; but more often than not it's just the
    two of us -- not a gathering of friends.
    
    For the most part, I put it down to personal style.  He is more
    physically active than I am.  I am more impassioned and emotionally
    volatile.
    
    I was amazed at the friends I lost when I married Rick. I was quite
    young and seriously crushed that, based on blanket assumptions, they
    didn't wish to associate with a married woman.  I was no less
    'there' for them than when we'd only lived together. Naively, I had expected
    that they would judge me on my past actions ...
    
      Annie

    The thing I might have been prepared for was my closest friend feeling
    someone had replaced her in priority (a silly way to look at it but
    common enough) when I met my SO. But what has happened is a little
    stranger: 
    
    In trying to aquaint SO with best friend (BF), BF has distanced
    herself, been not terribly friendly to EITHER of us (and this is a long
    distance over the years friendship), and seems not to have time to even
    be a phone friend.  
    
    I may have wrongly concluded that the friendship worked better for her
    when I was single and more interestingly when I was unhappily so.  
    
    Lifestyle issues may be a piece of this as well - I will not be having
    children.  She questions that choice, and perhaps no longer relates to
    me now that I am not following in her footsteps of life.  
    
    sadly,
    rene