Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    sounds like a useful discussion for MRDATA::PARENTING also

    
    
    Raise them as people first!!

Hi Sara!

	Interesting topic.  I also have a 6 year old son (A.J.).  I'm 
constantly questioning the way(s) in which I am raising A.J.   How will
the things *I* do today effect him later, especially how it will effect
his relationship with girls and later women.

	Let me share with you a couple of situations and conversations
that I've had recently with A.J.

	I was curious about what sorts of games were being played on
the playground during recess and this is what I found out when I asked
A.J.
	A.J.: "the boys and girls have a game, where the boys catch the
	       girls and put them in jail (the jail is the monkey bars),
               and then the girls scream and scream until they get loose"

	me:   "how do the girls get caught?"

	A.J.: "the boys catch them by grabbing their arms and twisting
	       them"

	me:   "doesn't this hurt the girls? do you think they want you
	       to do this?"

        A.J.: "Oh, I don't do it. I'm a helper, I help the girls escape."

        me:   "But if the girls didn't get hurt in the first place, you
               wouldn't have to help them, right?  Does anyone tell the
               the teacher?"

        A.J.:  "No, I don't think so, can we talk about something else
                now... mom"

	me:   I let the conversation drop... I have no idea if he realized
              I wasn't crazy about this game.

	
	Fortunately for A.J. most of his best buddies are girls :).  Most of
the kids at his school are already having separate birthday parties, etc.
But his party was mixed (50/50) and he did all the inviting.  When his 
friends are over, I listen to them play and I'm sooooooo glad when I hear 
them (the girls) standing up to his bossiness and they both eventually have to
learn to negotiate and compromise. I try very hard not to interfere with, 
things like "don't play too rough", "she probably wouldn't like that", but 
sometimes I can't help myself.  Sometimes I worry that he isn't spending
enough time with the *guys* (I can't believe I'm admitting this in =wn=),
because of this I've put some effort into promoting sports (skiing, soccer) so
he gets his fair share of that male bonding experience (whatever that is).

	I was hoping that at least thru his teen years, he wouldn't be
faced with the sounds and sights of a war (please no rat holes regarding good 
vs bad).   Now, I get to hear Patriots and Scuds blowing up all over the 
living room and I just *love* the pictures of the American planes and boats
blowing up Iraq...  Has there ever been a generation that didn't grow up 
with a war on their slate?  I wonder how it would be different (new topic).

	The other night he was watching a rerun of Star Trek and came in to
the kitchen to tell his dad about a scene, when he blurted out "Kaylar (sp?), 
remember Dad that woman ...." and I was just tickled that he used the word
*woman* instead of girl or lady, etc....  it's the little things in life!

	I have lots more and I could ramble forever ...

cheers,
debi
a mostly read only that just came out of the closet  

    Hi Deb!  good to hear you again.  It's my observation that kids do seem
    to seperate by gender around 1st grade, for whatever reason.  The kids
    in Westford Mass had much the same game.
    
    -d, your reply in .3 bothers me a bit, not for what you said but for an
    implication I take from it.  Reread it carefully, and then .0 to see
    what I mean:
    
    how do we raise our sons to not be "the kind of men we hate" (quote
    from Marion Zimmer Bradley, taken out of context) without giving them
    the message that boys are bad???
    
    See, that's the main part of what made me uncomfortable with what my
    neighbor said about men, in our sons' hearing.  It is a common failing
    of humans to generalize from the specific, as in "_this_ man treated me
    rotten, so _men_ are rotten".  I exaggerate for effect here.  -d, what
    you said in .3 is much much milder and more benign than what I just
    said, but a boy listening to these messages could learn something other
    than what we intend.
    
    That happens a lot with kids anyway...

    How about, set a good example?
    

    Pick the right Daddy.

    RE: basenote
    
                     I have tried to avoid any negative comments that could
    be taken as gender or race specific.  It seems to me that my parents
    used negative thoughts to "shape" our personality's, so with my kids
    (two boys and one girl) I have tried positive thoughts.  It hasn't been
    perfect but they do seem to look at the "bright" side rather than the
    negative.....even though their "old man" is a rather negative person.
    
                      I remember one incident with my daughter (Cheri) when
    she asked me what I thought she should major in college.  Most of her
    peer group were thinking along the lines of "school teacher", fashion
    designer and others.  When I told her that she *could* do anything she
    wanted to, her reply was..."But Dad...I'm a girl!".  So we try....but
    the "peer group" will nail you everytime.
    
    
    Dave

    re: Dave and peer groups
    
    The values a child gets from his peer group can vary from friend to
    friend and year to year but the values we instill will forever come
    bacvk to haunt them whether they be negbative or positive.
    
    Kate

    I think the angry mother in .0 was very wrong in talking that way in
    front of boys OR girls.  Kids do hear everything, though it doesn't
    seem that way sometimes.  Such negative statements and views come
    echoing back at later times.
    
    There are vicious men and kind, gentle men.  Same for women, by the
    way.  Kids need to use caution and hear age-appropriate warnings, but
    also need a basic trust in people.
    
    The risks of such negative talk in front of a boy include not only
    self-hate, but more probably that these negative qualities will surface
    in the boy himself.  The message she gives him is, "All men are rotten
    creeps.  You will grow to a man.  So you will be a rotten creep too." 
    It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  In the boy's mind, "Why not
    be a rotten creep?  I'm condemned before I even start out so I have
    nothing to lose."
    
    This kind of angry, bitter, defeatist talk from the woman showed her
    lack of self-confidence.  If she felt better about herself, she could
    afford to risk trusting men again and would gain a better perspective. 
    Even if she restrained her commentary to adults-only, her attitudes
    would still be apparent to her son.  Instead of sitting around b-tching
    about men, she should work to heal herself.  She should get out into
    the world and gain skills, have fun, make money, get stronger.  Taking
    challenges that make one grow leaves little time and energy for
    negativity.  One prefers to use spare time for fun or relaxation and to
    keep the venting down to a minimum necessary for equilibrium.
    
    To me, being so upset and angry is a place to move up from to a better
    place, not where I want to dwell all the time.  I take responsibility
    for my own reactions and keep moving.  Positive or negative, my
    attitudes find their echo back from others.  I'd rather get positive
    responses.
    
    Laura

    Just a personal comment as a father. (guess I want to associate myself
    with 720.10)
    
    Our daughters are 18 and 21. In our opinion, there have been no factors
    since birth that have had anywhere near as important an influence on
    our children as my wife and i have had. This influence has been of the
    form who we _are_ as people rather than what we say. How we feel rather
    than what we think. This influence is rather modest(if someone wants to
    say non-existent, ok) now that they are young adults. But we are very,
    very proud of them now. They are _good_ and decent people who can't
    help but have a positive impact on their world. 
    They don't quite know yet what they are going to do 'when they grow up'
    but whatever it is, it will involve working with kids (including their
    own) in a loving, caring, and supportived way.
    I can't think of a better 'epitaph' for a parent.
    How would it have been had one or both of them been sons? I don't know.
    
    
    				herb
    
    				herb

    Laura, I agree with much of what you say in .11.
    
    But please don't be so quick to assume helplessness and negative self
    image for my neighbor.  She _is_ out in the world, and has skills, and is
    an energetic person with a generally positive attitude.  But even such
    a woman OR man may have anger, and it's legit to express it.
    
    I see it this way.  Yes, I'm angry at the men (and women) who have
    treated me unfairly.  It's ok to express that anger *in an appropriate
    way* in front of children.  What's not ok is to do this in such a way
    that the child takes my anger as directed at himself, because of what
    he is, because he's a boy.  It's sometimes hard to know when you are
    doing that...
    
    Warning for those who may not be interested in reading further:
    a bit of a rathole here, an ex of a kid taking a completely unintended
    message, but on a different subject entirely:
    
    When my son was 2.5, my folks took their 1st winter away in their RV. 
    I missed them something awful.  One day in Feb the kids were fussing,
    and losing patience, *I* pictched a fussy-fit for their benefit :-}.
    "Y'know what *I* want??!?!?  I WANT MY MOMMY!"  the kids were shocked
    to silence!  there followed a conversation in which I related how much
    I missed my mommy, and -->how happy I would be when she came back.<--
    
    For the next 3 weeks, 3 or 4 times a week, my son would rehearse this
    entire conversation with me: do you miss your mommy?  will you be glad
    when she comes home? will you be happy when your mommy comes back?  The
    same questions, the same answers, like 10 times.
    
    Finally, one night we went through the same riff again, same questions,
    same answers, but at the end he looked up at me with a heartbreaking
    expression, and said:
    		"Mommy, are you happy NOW?"
    
    Holy toledo.  I NEVER meant to imply that I wasn't!!!  Well, you *can't*
    lay it on too thickly with a 2.5 yr old, so I spent the next 15 minutes
    talking about how yes I love and miss my mom, but I am happy and proud
    of him, and our family, and how wonderful he is, etc etc etc.
    
    He NEVER brought it up again.

    i'm sure you will treasure that anecdote forever!
    
    By the way, i think that for your son -and any other children- you will
    ALWAYS be Mommy -and he Daddy-.  That unique relationship (for better
    or worse will ALWAYS be there. Certainly is for our daughters.
    And the cornerstone of that is that they know that they are the most
    important people in the universe to us, that they are special, and are
    unconditionally loved.
    Our 'kids' STILL curl up on the couch and schnoogle with my wife. I hope
    and expect they always will.
    Gee, sure wish we had also had the chance to parent a son! Don't see
    any difference.
    		
    
    				herb

    schnoogle!  I love it!  What a great word!  heeheeheeheehee
    
    E Grace

    Another vote in favor of "schnoogle" -- but let's not forget another
    lexical innovation from a recent =wn= note -- "squishly" !!
    
    Methinks they could be used together rather felicitously:  
    
    "I go all squishly when I think of E Grace curled up on a couch to 
     schnoogle with MikeV!"
    
    (-: Hey, it works for me!! :-) 

    :-) :-)

    Dan,
    
    Do you mean that you would like to watch MikeV and E schnoogle????
    Oh, no!  You voyeur, you :-) :-) :-)
    
    Mary

    *schnoogle* brought to us by the same folks who brought us

    hutzpah
    kibbitz
    schmuck
    klutz

    Do ya know the difference between a 
    Schla-mozzl and a 
    Schla-miel?

    
    The schla-mozzl(nerd?) is the person whose lap the Schla-miel(klutz)
    spills his soup on when he trips over his untied schoe-lace

    RE: -1
    
    SCHMEIL IS THE PERSON THAT GOES AROUND SPILLING SOUP HIS WHOLE LIFE...
    THE SCHLMAZEL IS THE ONE THAT IT GETS SPILLED ON...
    
    Just another version!
    
    Jill
    

>    The schla-mozzl(nerd?) is the person whose lap the Schla-miel(klutz)
>    spills his soup on when he trips over his untied schoe-lace

Yeah, I watched "Gabriel's Horn" last night too!

D!

    Didn't watch it.
    
    fact is the only thing I watched on TV last night was This Old House
    
    <common tastes?>
    not sure
    
    Do you ever watch Washington Week in Review? or
    		      Oprah or
    		      Boston Celtics or
    		      Crossfire or
    		      Inside Washington or
    		      New Yankee Workshop or
    		      CNN news or
    		      McGlaughlin Group or
    		      This Week with David Brinkley
    
    
    		      

    You didn't watch the "Of Moose and Men" special?
    
    						Ann B.

    I'm all in favor of Physical Schnoogling with my >very own< Cuddle
    Person, offline in the Real World, but since this is Notes, the imho
    primary exemplars of the art of Virtual Schnoogling in This Very File
    are our very own E.G.n. and M.V.  Don'cha remember how !!cute!! it was
    when they first "became an item" here?  Who better to imagine
    schnoogling in this space?  (-: _vide_ 723.1 and .2, E.g.V,* for an
    example of their continuing incorrigibility. :-)
    
    Let's hear it for interpeople ROMANCE!!  Of +=EVERY=+ sort!!  Yay,
    Chocolate Almond Romance!  Let's hear it for Frozen Yogurt Love! 
    Sorbet in a Baked Alaska!!  Pepperoni Calzoni with alotta Ricotta!  Go
    for interlock, whatever way!  As long as the world is less lonely, I
    for one am all in favor of it!!!
    
    * 
     E. xempli Gratia Valenzia
    
    And back on the topic, I'm *glad* I only had daughters; I couldn't have
    coped with the stress I would have faced in having to tell any putative
    sons (at the appropriate time in their development of course -- after
    they had matured to the point where they could have understood that
    Anatomy Is Destiny) that they, like me, were to be sadly limited,
    throughout their lifetimes, through no fault of their own 
    other than complete physical inadequacy below 
    waist level, to the capability to 
    produce only one 
    variety of 
    fart.
    :-)
    

    Ooooohhhh noooooooo, Dan!  You forgot bannana-raspberry :-)
    

    The following reply was posted in another file, and it took me awhile
    to find it again to contact the author for permission to cross-post.
    While it may seem tangential in content to the initial direction in
    this topic, I think that the attitude expressed by the approaches used
    make this very relevent to Sara's initial question.  This is one of the
    best essays I have ever read on educating children.
    
    DougO
================================================================================
Note 153.0            What Do We Say When We Hear "Faggot?"              1 reply
TLE::FORD "Quoth the raven: `Eat my shorts!'"       271 lines  16-NOV-1990 12:41
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   What Do We Say When We Hear "Faggot?"

					by Leonore Gordon

   [While this article is about a school setting, there are a number of
   good ideas that a parent could use in a home with children.]

       (Leonore Gordon is a teacher, consultant and writer who is currently
       completing her MSW degree. This article and the following lesson
       plan are reprinted from a special issue of the Interracial Books for
       Children Bulletin V4, 3-4, 1983, on Homophobia and Education, edited
       by Ms. Gordon.

       The Bulletin is the review journal of the Council on Interracial
       Books for Children, 1841 Broadway, New York, NY 10223. A free
       catalog of the Council's anti-racist, anti-sexist print and
       audio-visual teaching materials is available.)

   Alice is eleven. She walks down the school halls with her arm around her
   best friend, Susan. During lunch, they sit on the floor holding hands or
   combing each other's hair. Lately, Alice has been called "dyke," and
   boys have been told not to be her friend.

   Brian refuses to take part in a fight on his block. As he makes his way
   home, he hears cries of"faggot" and "sissy." Suddenly he begins to run,
   realizing that the other children may now attack him.

   Carl is gifted musically; he would like to join the elementary school
   chorus. Although he hesitates for several weeks, the music teacher
   persuades him to join. One morning soon after, he enters the classroom
   tense and angry after chorus, muttering that several boys have called
   him "gay."

   Some children play a "game" called "Smear the Queer," in which one child
   suddenly attacks another, knocking him to the ground. The attacker
   should "Fag!" and then runs away.

   Homophobic name-calling is pervasive. Even first graders are now using
   such terms as "faggot" to ridicule others, and such name-calling is
   increasingly common in the older grades. Homophobic name-calling is
   devastating to young people experiencing homosexual feelings. For
   youngsters who are not gay, such name-calling creates or reinforces
   hostility towards the gay and lesbian population. And it forces all
   children to follow strict sex-role behaviors to avoid ridicule.

   Because homosexuality is such a charged issue, teachers rarely confront
   children who use homophobic name-calling to humiliate and infuriate
   other children. Many teachers do not realize that this sort of
   name-calling can be dealt with in much the same way as other kinds of
   bigotry and stereotyping.

   Teaching children to be critical of oppression is teaching true
   morality, and teachers have the right, indeed the obligation, to alert
   their students to all forms of oppression. Educating children not to be
   homophobic is one way to show the difference between oppressive and
   non-oppressive behavior.

   Challenging homophobic name-calling by teaching children non-judgemental
   facts about homosexuality and by correcting myths is also intrinsically
   connected to ant-sexist education values, since homophobia is used to
   reinforce rigid sex roles. Furthermore, if adults criticize other forms
   of name-calling but ignore anti-gay remarks, children are quick to
   conclude that homophobia is acceptable because gay men and lesbians
   deserve to be oppressed.

   Boys are far more likely to to be the object of homophobic name-calling
   than girls, perhaps because sex-roles for boys remain, to some extent,
   more rigidly defined. A boy involved in a traditional "female-only"
   activity such as sewing or cooking risks out-and-out contempt from his
   peers, as well as the possibility of being called a "faggot" or "sissy."
   Girls are more able to participate in activities that have traditionally
   been for boys, such as sports or shop, without loss of peer approval.

   At the late elementary and junior high school levels, physical affection
   between girls is far more acceptable than between boys, but a girl will
   be called a "dyke" if she does not express, by junior high, a real
   interest in pleasing boys or in participating with other girls in
   boy-centered discussions. I know a twelve year old who is being labeled
   a "dyke" for just these reasons, and she is valiantly trying to maintain
   her integrity and individuality while feeling lonely and ostracized by
   many of her peers.

   As an elementary school teacher, I have made an awareness of oppression
   and of the concept of "majority" and "minority" a focus of current
   events, history and social studies. Throughout the year we discuss
   Native Americans, Puerto Ricans, Blacks, Chicanos, disabled people,
   older people and many others. We also discuss women, a generally
   powerless majority. (I should add here that the school I teach in is
   particularly open to such discussions. It is a New York City private
   school for middle to upper-middle income Black, white and Hispanic
   families. Many parents have already introduced anti-racist and
   anti-sexist issues to their children. However, I have also seen these
   issues discussed in public schools at elementary or high school levels.)

   If oppression is being discussed, it is impossible to ignore lesbians
   and gay men as a group that faces discrimination. Children in the middle
   grades have a strong sense of justice, and they can understand the basic
   injustice of people being abused because they are different from the
   majority. They can also identify with the powerlessness of oppressed
   groups because children themselves are often a verbally, and sometimes a
   physically abused group.

   When initiating a discussion of name-calling, teachers can explain that
   there are two kinds of name-calling. One kind of name-calling, unrelated
   to any particular group is often scatological or sexual (i.e., the four
   letter words.) The other is group-biased; is uses the name of a
   group---"nigger," "chink," "polack," etc.---as the insult and implies
   that there is something wrong about being a member of that group.

   Group-biased name-calling can be handled in a variety of ways. Sometimes
   children do not truly understand why a word is offensive. If a teacher
   simply takes the time to tell the class that a particular word insults
   or demeans a group of people, children will often stop using the word.
   (Occasionally, children do not even know what a term means. One New York
   City ten-year-old who frequently called others "faggot" told me that the
   word meant "female dog." A twelve-year-old said that a lesbian is a
   "Spanish Jew.")

   Discussions about the meaning of homophobic words can often be quite
   consciousness-raising. When I hear a child use the word faggot, I
   explain that a faggot, literally, is a stick used for kindling. I also
   explain that gay people used to be burned in medieval times simply for
   being gay, and they had to wear a bundle of sticks on their shirts to
   indicate that they were about to be burned. (At times, gay men were used
   as the kindling to burn women accused to witchcraft.) After the
   discussion that ensues from the revelation, I make it clear to my
   students that the word is not to be used again in my classroom, and it
   rarely is.

   A structured lesson for elementary school children that I find to be
   quite successful appears after this article. Firs we list the slurs
   commonly applied to a particular group. Next the children shut their
   eyes and pretend they are a member of that group as I should out the
   slurs they have just listed. When they open their eyes, they are asked
   to write or discuss how it felt to be called those names. Next they
   imagine how it feels to be the name-caller. At the end I ask for
   "comebacks," replies that would educate the name-caller.

   When I list the words "lesbian" and "gay men" there is always a stir of
   discomfort, so I ask what those words mean. I am told fairly quickly
   that a gay man is one who loves other men, and that a lesbian is a woman
   who loves other women. I am also usually told that a gay man is an
   "effeminate" man. We discuss the stereotyping inherent in that myth, as
   well as the fact that "effeminate" means "behaving like a woman," and
   the class begins to realize that "behaving like a woman" is viewed
   negatively.

   When asked what it really means to be called a "faggot" and why it is
   insulting for a boy to be called "gay," students will often respond that
   saying a boy is like a girl is the worst insult imaginable. At this
   point, girls are likely to sense that something unjust has been touched
   upon, and they will often take up their own defense, while
   simultaneously having their own consciousness raised.

   Children may also come up with the myth that sexual orientation is
   related to reproductive ability. Should this happen, a teacher can
   mention that some gays and lesbians have been married, and some have
   children that they raise after the marriage ends. Some choose to have
   children before recognizing that they are lesbian or gay; others have
   children when fully aware of their sexual orientation.

   Before we go on with the lesson plan, I usually attempt to reach a
   consensus on definitions. Here are some that have seemed acceptable:
   "Someone who loves someone of the same sex," "Someone who loves someone
   of the same sex, but can be close to people of the opposite sex if they
   want to" and "Someone who romantically loves someone of the same sex."
   We added the word "romantically" in on class after a boy commented in a
   confused tone, "But I love my father..." When discussing definitions, it
   is important to tell children that gays and lesbians are as different
   from one another as are heterosexual men and women. There is no suck
   thing as a "typical" lesbian or gay man.

   When we continue with the lesson plan and students are asked to imagine
   being called names as they walk with a close friend of the same sex,
   they describe feeling "different," "dumb," "weird," "afraid," and
   "embarrassed." (One very different response was "I'd feel loved, because
   the main thing would be walking with someone I loved.") When asked how
   they would feel as one of the name-callers, children usually admit that
   they "would feel like part of the group."

   Suggested responses to homophobic attacks have included, "It's my
   choice"; "We like each other, and for your information, we're not
   homosexual"; "I'm not ashamed"; "I'm just as different as you are"; "I
   don't care" and "So what!"

   Children participating in this exercise have been extraordinarily honest
   about how it felt to be called names; they have also been honest about
   how it felt to be the name-callers.  They began to understand both how
   painful it is to be called such names, and how much needing to be
   accepted and feel important have to do with name calling. They have also
   been able to ling the oppression of gays and lesbians with that of other
   groups.

  Music as a Teaching Tool

   I have also used the music of Holly Near to teach about oppression.
   Songs are an effective tool in reaching children, and they seem to
   retain information presented in this mode quite easily. Near sings about
   the oppression of many different groups and her songs help students make
   linkages between their struggles. Her songs are always very popular with
   my classes, and one year most of my class attended one of her concerts.
   When they discovered that she was a lesbian (she made no secret of it),
   they began to process the idea that anyone could be a lesbian, even
   someone who sang songs they loved. They seemed both intrigued and
   excited with this discovery and realized how often they automatically
   assume that everyone is heterosexual---an assumption society and
   education encourage.

   Another way to combat homophobia, particularly among older students, is
   to invite a speaker from a gay organization to talk to the class.
   Members of various gay speaker groups have been invited to high schools
   and colleges to demystify homosexuality. Listening to a gay or lesbian
   who is also a living, breathing human being---someone who has parents,
   siblings, and looks a little nervous in front of a group---is often a
   decisive factor in breaking down homophobic stereotypes.

   Homophobic attitudes can also be countered in discussions about sex
   roles. Students can be asked, "What does a boy have to do to act like a
   girl?" (and vice versa). The stereotypic behaviors that are mentioned
   can usually be quickly discounted by asking children to consider their
   own home lives. Many children, particularly those with single or
   divorced parents have seen their mothers working and their fathers
   cleaning the house. Boys are often relieved to argue that a boy can
   read, sing or clean up without losing respect. However, these same boys
   will worry that other children will continue to believe in sex-role
   myths. These fears are often strong enough to keep children in
   traditional sex roles even when they become aware of the unjust nature
   of these roles.

   Another classroom activity is to ask students to look in any standard
   dictionary or thesaurus for the definitions of "male" and "female,"
   "masculine" and "feminine," "husband" and "wife," etc. The definitions
   are often so blatantly offensive and stereotypic that they create a
   small sensation when read aloud, challenging children to rethink their
   own definitions.

   Discussing homophobic concepts is one thing; enduring homophobic
   name-calling is an entirely different matter. The pressure to conform is
   especially over-whelming within the school/peer structure, and it is
   vital that teachers try to instill the courage need to function
   independently when one is the object of ridicule.

   Similarly, adults often try to change behavior in "effeminate" boys in
   the illusion that it will prevent [unreadable -jlf] becoming gay; girls
   are often discouraged from "tomboy" activities for the same reason.
   These so called "effeminate" boys or "tomboy" girls may or may not be
   gay. In any case it is a violation of a child's integrity to try to
   change behaviors that come naturally. It is also sexist to insist on
   narrow, traditional gender-determinted behaviors. In addition, forcing
   someone to inhibit or rechannel natural feelings of same-sex love is no
   different that forcing a left handed child to write with the right hand
   because left-handedness is "deviant."

   I attempt to teach my students to be willing to defend no only their own
   rights but the rights of others to live free from oppression as well.
   Sometimes this means challenging "the way things are" (as defined by
   adults) and thus realizing that all adults are not absolute. This in an
   important lesson. Social change can only occur when children acquire the
   ability to look critically at existing structures.

   We can being to nurture a critical eye at the elementary school level,
   as children begin to lose their egocentricity and observe the
   surrounding world. Because name-calling is so common among children, and
   because it embodies the bigotry learned from adults, it is a good place
   for educators to begin.
   
    
    

    
                      Stopping Prejudice Before It Starts
                                By John Rosemond

(Copied from Better Homes and Gardens, July 1990 issue, with permission)

    People who see the world through prejudiced eyes often scar the 
    fragile, developing beliefs of the children around them.  Here's 
    why you need to be concerned about bias, and how you can help your 
    child grow up free of hurtful attitudes toward others.

    LIKE PARENT, LIKE CHILD
    
    Children start noticing differences in skin color, gender, and 
    physical ability at an early age.  They begin to connect certain 
    attitudes and feelings with those differences by seeing how adults 
    react to them.  Even subtle, unspoken messages given off by adults 
    can have a profound impact on a child's developing attitudes.  For 
    example, Courtney, aged 4, notices that her parents employ a black 
    housekeeper and gardener, yet they never invite blacks into their 
    home on social occasions.  Already, her parents' behavior is 
    beginning to influence Courtney's perceptions of non-whites.  Her 
    parents would be horrified to know this, but would they be willing 
    to change their ways?  Prejudice about race, religion, nationality, 
    gender, and physical ability harms all children.  The damage to 
    victims is obvious, but those who hold biased attitudes also suffer.
    Children who come to believe, for whatever reasons, that they are 
    superior are also in danger of never developing a completely 
    positive sense of self.  These youngsters are almost always masking 
    deep feelings of insecurity or inferiority.

    A WORLD OF DIFFERENCES
    
    Immunizing a child against becoming biased means teaching her/him 
    that differences among people are good, that diversity is enriching 
    to everyone.  Parents need to do more than simply tell children that 
    prejudice is bad.  Children need to see this fact reflected in their 
    parents' behavior.  Here's an example of how children can be taught 
    to deal with prejudice.  Five-year-old Charlie's mother stops in the 
    middle of reading a children's book to him and asks, "Do you notice 
    anything wrong about the pictures in this book, Charlie?"  Charlie 
    thinks for a moment and answers, "No."  His Mother then points out, 
    "Well, Charlie, all the people in these pictures have white skin.  
    That's not the way things really are, is it?"  Charlie agrees, and 
    his mother ends up suggesting that they us crayons to shade some of 
    the people in the drawings so that the book, in Charlie's mother's 
    words, "will be more like the world we really live in."

    POSITIVE ACTIONS
    
    To help your children grow up unbiased, try these suggestions:
    
    - Encourage your children to speak up when they see someone, 
      especially another child, being treated unfairly.
    - When possible, expose your child to after-school activities that 
      include a mix of children from various races, religions, and 
      socioeconomic backgrounds.  If the choice is available, consider 
      a well-integrated school.
    - When your child makes a prejudicial remark about someone else, ask, 
      "What do you think that means?"  Children often repeat things they 
      have heard without realizing their implications.  Set aside a few 
      minutes to explain the true meaning of prejudicial language and to 
      make it clear such language is not appropriate.
    - Fill your home with books and magazines, particularly those you 
      purchase for your kids, that portray a complete picture of society.
    - Point out prejudice when it happens and discuss it with your children.
    - If you have children in preschool, kindergarten, or grades one 
      through three, a free brochure called "Teaching Young Children to 
      Resist Bias - What Parents Can Do" is available by sending a SASE 
      to:  The National Association for the Education of Young Children, 
      AB/BMG, 1834 Connecticut Ave., N.W., Washington, DC 20009.
    
    Actions always speak louder than words.  If we want our children to 
    accept differences in other people, that acceptance must be present in 
    our own behavior.  If we want our children to take an active stance 
    against prejudice, then they must see us taking a clear stand as well.
    Sometimes, taking a stand means taking a risk, but this is one risk
    none of us should ignore.

    Thank you both Carla and DougO for going through the trouble to post
    those articles here.  They speak of the things I grew up with.  The
    articles address the barriers I know.  Why is it so difficult let 
    people be simply who the are?  I cheer for the future because children
    are asking why more.  In my dreams these children will understand
    the freedom that comes from being who you are not what others tell
    you to become.

    Peace,
    Allison

    

    re.28
    
    > I cheer for the future because children are asking why more.
    
    Allison,
    
    I certainly agree with most of what you said.  But I don't agree with
    the statement above.  Children have always asked 'why?'
    
    I cheer for _our_ generation, yours and mine, and subsequent because
    children are beginning to get _answers_ to the 'whys?' 
    
    And, sure enough, the answers are none too comfortable for we/them who
    are doing the answering ...
    
      Annie  

    Annie,
    
    I agree, I didn't provide sufficient context to be clear.  In the past
    I never felt is was safe to question.  
    
    Children have always asked why, our generation and futures have the	
    advantage of more information.  That exposure give them a chance to
    compare the real world to the answers they were given.  Kids are
    remarkable in pointing out inconsistancy.  
    
    Peace,
    Allison