| Title: | Topics of Interest to Women |
| Notice: | V3 is closed. TURRIS::WOMANNOTES-V5 is open. |
| Moderator: | REGENT::BROOMHEAD |
| Created: | Thu Jan 30 1986 |
| Last Modified: | Fri Jun 30 1995 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 1078 |
| Total number of notes: | 52352 |
I really hate...feeling betrayed, especially when I am not even sure if
the feeling of betrayal is rational.
I was corresponding with a good friend I met over the net about my
"love-troubles" with a certain person, "T", who is also on the net. I
have been talking about this with her off and on for about a month.
This weekend I saw T, and she mentioned that she and my net.friend with
whom I have been pouring out my heart starting corresponding a couple
of weeks ago.
While I don't *know* that they have discussed me, it seems likely. I
looked at some of the old mail between my friend and I - and realized
that this explains some things. For instance, she recently started
asking me pointed and seemingly confrontational/judgemental questions
about me and T. I couldn't figure it out at the time, but now I think
they are probably a result of her getting T's side of the story and
having opinions of her own about what's happening.
While I recognize that maybe she is now a more *informed* listener,
having heard both sides of the story, I still feel betrayed. I was
talking to her thinking of her as a sympathetic ear, who wasn't at all
involved and therefore could provide an unbiased sounding board as well
as allow me to vent some of my emotions.
It's not that I think she and T have anything romantic going, it is
just that I thought she should have told me while going on about T in
the third person that she had been communicating with her. Now I feel
like I can't talk to her about the situation at all, and that hurts
because she has been a big help. If I *knew* she was talking to T, I
still would have talked to her, but I might not have said the things I
did.
On the other hand, part of me says I am just over-paranoid, and being
unreasonable. I don't know what to think.
D!
| T.R | Title | User | Personal Name | Date | Lines |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 678.1 | FDCV06::HSCOTT | Lynn Hanley-Scott | Mon Jan 28 1991 15:27 | 5 | |
If she's that close a friend, perhaps you could write to her what
you've written here. You did a good job of keeping most of it in the "I
feel...." type of language, so it isn't terribly threatening or
accusatory.
| |||||
| 678.2 | ICS::STRIFE | Mon Jan 28 1991 15:32 | 8 | ||
Unreasonable? Paranoid? Kinda rough on yourself aren't you? D!, if I
were you, I'd be asking many of the same questions that you're asking
yourself. And there may be some really simple benign reason(s) why
your friend didn't mention that she had also been corressponding with
T. But, you aren't going to know unless you ask her. Ask her and then
make a decision as to whether or not you should feel betrayed.
P
| |||||
| 678.3 | R2ME2::PELLEGRINO | Bob Pellegrino | Mon Jan 28 1991 16:08 | 20 | |
Actually D, I don't think I would go out of my way to confront her about it at all. As we discussed before, regardless of what moral system she may be in, the important thing is that it is not the same as yours. Who would you make feel better by talking with her about it? How would you feel if T heard the details of this discussion? net.friend was a transitory help, but it doesn't seem that there is much potential for a positive outcome if you press her for an explanation. Some things may be best complained about to your close friends, without sounding shrill to the "offending" party. One thing that I think I've *finally* figured out is that before you bother complaining to a friend about an action or a behavior, you have to at least trust them to make it worthwhile. Otherwise it doesn't much matter what their response is then, and it may come back to haunt you later. Unless, of course, you think it is plausible that she had no idea this might represent a breach of trust to you. (boy, pretty cynical today, aren't I?) --bob | |||||
| 678.4 | IE0010::MALING | Mirthquake! | Mon Jan 28 1991 19:45 | 22 | |
D!
I don't think its unreasonable to feel some anxiety in a situation like
this. I've been in similar situations. The fact is, you really can't
know what gets talked about when you're not there. For me, that kind
of doubt can cause all kinds of feelings and leave me not knowing how
to feel.
It sounds like you don't feel comfortable being as open with your
net.friend as you have in the past. You may want to let her know that
you would prefer she not talk with T about the things you have shared
with her, but if you're feeling really vulnerable you may not want to
confront her with it. It just depends how much you still trust her.
If net.friend is getting judgemental, laying blame or taking sides,
(and it's not your imagination) she may have lost her objectivity.
In that case it really doesn't matter if she "talked" to T or not.
IMHO it's best to assume that they did not discuss you unless proven
otherwise. But, its very natural to have doubts.
Mary
| |||||