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Hi,
When I divorced, I found that my friends - most of whom were married,
fell into two categories.
One was that they were unsure of how to tackle the issue, they were
embarrased to talk about it, and uncomfortable with the situation.
I found this was the easiest situation to work with, by bringing the
situation up, and talking with them. I soon found my friendships here
back to "normal" fairly shortly ( and with a great deal of effort ).
The other were "friends" who tried to get me to hire a lawyer, and fight
for more than my ex and I had agreed between us. They just wouldn't
leave this alone. They tried to make me feel bitter about the situation.
These people ceased being my friends, and I did feel a little "conned"
at actually having accepted them as friends.
I found that I met new friends, as I was no longer constrained to
trying to fit both my and my ex's social life into 1 week. I had much
more time to concentrate on the things I really liked to do.
And, being happy with yourself helps with new friendships.
I did not "hit the singles scene" I did not want to start another
long-term relationship, just a mix of friends. People that I mixed
with understood this - with no prompting.
Are you sure this person was deliberatley confusing you, or that you
just misunderstood each other?
Accept the friendship, and don't go looking for anything more. You may
be pleasantly surprised one day.
Heather
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When one's original relationship ends, one needs time and space
to recover from the interactions that took place. A time of
healing before one enters another one-to-one relationship. This
is to give the individual an opportunity to regroup and relax
before embarking on the next stage of life for them. This can
take a period of time and needs not to be rushed, otherwise the
indivdual ends up going round and round and in much pain.
Bottom line, anon, take time for healing and recovery. Learn
more about seeing yourself from you and not a reflection of
someone else.
justme....jacqui
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| Well, I've been divorced just about forever but only recently (last
couple of years) resumed the "mating game" after a long break. What
I've observed is that people are great at giving mixed messages -- find
myself doing it from time to time -- about their feelings and what they
want. Because the messages are not clear, the other person tends to
really hear only that part of the message that they want or need to
hear. No one intends to mislead anyone else. It's just poor another
example of poor communications.
I think that jacqui makes a good point about giving yourself some time
to heal. Ending a long time relationship, whether it be a marriage or
not, tends to leave people very vulnerable. Let yourself heal and give
yourself some time to understand what you want for you. Then you'll be
more likely to read the signals more clearly and to enter a
relationship that is right for you.
Polly
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| After I broke up with Kat's father years ago, I had a terrible time for
a long time with overreacting and interpreting any gesture of kindness
or friendship as an invitation to intimacy. I handled the practical
and financial difficulties of being a single parent all right, but
emotionally I was so desperate for comfort that it's a good thing I
didn't meet a really sleazy untrustworthy man because I would have been
a sitting duck.
Looking back, I can see that the men I thought were so awful to use me
and then not want me were basically decent sorts who, even if they were
looking for a serious permanent relationship, were scared off by my
desperation. I didn't give myself a chance to heal from the pain of the
broken relationship or to grieve. I thought because the relationship had
gone sour and I was much better off out of it, that meant there was nothing
to mourn. Wrong. Besides the ending of the relationship itself I had to
grieve for the love that wsn't there, the dreams that never came true,
the future I envisioned and never reached. Those are all very real losses.
It took about four years. That Christmas I really felt free. I felt
that I could go on with my life, and that if I never met another man I
could still have a rewarding and joyful life. Two weeks later I met my
present husband . . . a man who I would not have appreciated even six
months before.
I guess all I'm saying is give it time. Give yourself time, give your
heart time, give your life time to change and your head time to absorb
the events. Give yourself time to grieve. Perhaps you had different
hopes, different dreams, different assumptions than I did -- it doesn't
matter, really, what they were. What matters is that they're gone now
and you have to find new ones. But time really does heal. I know it
sounds like a cliche, and sometimes time isn't the only thing you need.
But it will pass.
--bonnie
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