Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    Hi, Kathy...
    
    	I had successive conversations with my sisters this past weekend,
    and each of us noticed the same phenomenon: the war has us so
    distracted that we're missing appointments.  I missed a Ziebart
    appointment; my sister, Jo, missed a hair appointment; etc.  To me,
    this says that we're under stress.  Now, I realize this is a small
    price to pay for all that's going on in the world, but no one of
    us--whether we support the decision to use force or whether we oppose
    it--is immune from its effects on our psyches.  Intellectually, I've
    bought in, but it still hits the gut.
    
    	Also, if I was a news junkie before, hah!  It's become a major
    compulsion.
    
    	You mentioned layoffs and real estate prices... I'm also trying to
    sell my townhome in MA, and the market has sagged so badly I can't hope
    to recoup my investment.  
    
    	I do thank God for my friends, my family, especially my husband who
    share these crazy times.  It is a time for re-examining priorities.
    
    thanks for asing,
    Marge
    
    

    I, too, am depending more, leaning more, on my friends.  Their
    shoulders are absorbent to both sobs and sighs.  Things are very tense
    and I feel I cannot possibly focus enough to do what I need to do with
    the war, the threat of layoffs, mechanical gremlins back in my life
    again, and interpersonal stresses too strange to believe.
    
    I have a strong need to have a single place, one small place, one
    corner, in which to relax.  I cannot seem to find one lately, and this
    has me feeling very much like "I don't want to deal with it".  
    
    But I find that when I am most challenged my roots grow deeper.  I am
    the epitome of grace under pressure sometimes - and it is, indeed,
    almost magical how I manage to do what needs doing in the midst of the
    whirlwind these times have become.
    
    I am striving in the midst of this to reach out to friends, to
    strangers, to enemies, and look for small places for peace and
    resilience and support to be forged out of difference and confusion. 
    It is difficult, and takes energy, but I feel it is the only part I
    *can* play in all this that will *make* a difference.  A small
    difference.  A miniscule difference.  *MY* difference.
    My mark.  My prayer.  
    
    -Jody
    

    
    
        Its amazing how these events effect our lives.  I have a nephew on
    an aircraft carrier over there right now and that fact coupled with the
    "home front" variety of "bad" news really has put a strain of every
    facet of my life.  Anger surfaces at the oddest times over the oddest
    things.  I have even found myself angry at not getting *enough* news.
    I look back at it and wonder at my silliness and yet...........
    
    
    Dave

    	The collection of things going on right now are the toughest I
    	can remember in a long time - the war seems similar to me to the
    	ways my parents described WWII (in the sense that life started to
    	change for everyone abroad *and* at home, including widespread
    	fears that the war would visit our shores - one way or another.)
    
    	I'm certain that the supporters and the protesters of the war
    	are expressing their honest beliefs - and I hope these differences
    	don't tear us apart in our various homelands (for all our sakes.)
    	
    	At the same time, I'm still very concerned about the company (and
    	the people who have left us via the Package as well as those who
    	will be going through the involuntary phase coming up.)
    
    	I worry about my son, Ryan, and what the next year will bring to
    	his life as a 20 year old in a country at war.  He still lives
    	with me now, although we both sense a separation approaching.  In
    	the past 20 years, we've been each other's only consistent family.
    	It's hard to imagine day to day life without him (and without his
    	playful teasing - "Mom!  If indeed that is your real name...!") :)
    
    	Close friends (and the pleasant surprise of new associations) help
    	a great deal - we need each other to make it through these times.
    
    	It's hard to know what else to say.

	And radio 4 this morning:


	In times of war, the country bands together, the feelings that come 
	out in people are the opposite to depression.

	Suicides drop dramatically in times of war.

	People become more willing to help anyone.

	There are queues at the blood-doner stations.

	There are 4-times the number of people than normal trying to enrol in 
	the services.
	
	A whole ward of terminally ill patients have volunteered to go to the
	gulf to do what ever fetching/carrying/driving/tending wounded......
	that may save other people having to go.

	A 74-year old wants to "empty buckets and sweep floors" or whatever may 
	be required in the field hospitals.	
	
	One company that makes the Union flag has a 50% increase in orders, and
	also orders for the UN flag.


	Good samaritans are everywhere.


	Heather

    re -.1
    
    I also heard that vets who have suffered PTSD are reliving their
    horrors and are coming, in droves, to the veterans' hospitals for
    counseling.  Also, stress-related disorders are up throughout the
    general population.
    
    

    
    ashamed

    I'm an old fan of "World at War" and other _real_ films of WWII, and
    one aspect of war has hit my consciousness lately.  Remember that old
    song "Sink the Bismark"?  It begins 
    	"In May of 1941, the war had just begun..."
    			(musically associated memory strikes again)
    
    Somehow it made me realize that _my_ perception of that war has been
    unalterably slanted by my prior knowledge of the course of the war. 
    *I* know what was going to happen, when I look at films etc, and it
    makes it different, somehow.  I *don't* know how this one will go,
    though I do know, generally, what I think will happen and what I'd like
    to happen.  I guess I've realized just how unknown the future is.
    
    Of course, the ironic thing is, we never do know the future, we only
    think we have solid plans for it.

    I'm operating at overload. The last week or so has brought many
    things to my life I thought I'd never hear or feel.
    
    A doctors vist, and a lump, the mamogram, and waiting for the results.
    Good news, but good news doesn't erase adrenalin from fear.
    
    A war starts, a big one, what is the world comming to.  A missile
    is launched, than an antimissile, they meet and a thousand pounds
    of junk rains down.  Rocks and shields, we haven't covered much
    ground. Funny it should be in the Persian river valley, the heart
    of early civilzation.  I'm confused and scared.

    I saw the news photos and reports, corrospondents on both sides,
    working for the same network!  A bombs B, news at eleven.  Now
    I can be in Tel Aviv in a gas mask, and in Bagdad pressing the 
    launch button.  It's just like horror movies, don't go in there.
    They do anyway.  The unspeakable happens, live.  Uncertainty,
    horror, and fear.
    
    Quietly Utah works the passage of a restrictive abortion bill.  A
    small stab in the heart, a persons body isn't sovereign to oneself.
    Kuwait isn't sovereign anymore either.  Nothing is free from some
    invasion, fear.  Am I?
    
    I filled the gas tank today, noticed the price is down.  The economy
    is slow few companys are showing profit, except oil.  I'm angry.
    
    Allison
    
    
    

    I saw the tapes of the three POW's from USA and I hate
    to think what they are feeling and going through. It makes
    my heart ach thinking of all the civilians who can't relax in 
    their homes are afraid to stay and afraid to run. 
    
    Donna

    
    
    
    I am having a hell of a time lately. Some of it is the war,
    most of it is pieces of my life. I know it gets better....
    
    I am feeling:
    
    Angry
    Scared
    Depressed
    Obnoxious
    Daring
    Frustrated
    Fed up
    
    but most of all...
    
    Confused.
    
    
    
                          -Jennifer!?

...My last bastion of sanity..

...My words...


Bleah,

Barb

    Waking up at night, waiting for the bombs to fall, knowing I have
    no where to run.  The train that used to comfort me now rumbles
    like on coming aircraft.
    

    weary....just plain weary.

    I know I felt weird the night the war started.  I had gone to
    bed just after it was announced and before Bush came on because
    I was fighting a cold (being out on disability for two months
    makes one REAL careful about getting run down) and was amazingly
    awakened around midnight by this large flash of bright light and
    noise in the distance.  I waitied awhile and then decided to get
    up and see if we were being attacked stateside by putting on the
    TV.  I watched in the still silence of the snowy night for two
    hours and saw the first tapes out of Bagdhad.  I feel that the 
    feelings I experienced during the confusion of being awakened
    with what I thought might be bombs might just be something that
    the people in the U.S. could possibly have to deal with personally
    in some way before this all ends.  It is a stressful feeling but
    better than denying that WE (the U.S.) will never have to have
    THAT happen here on this place where we live.  It is a time of
    caution and we need to remember that and live our lives accordingly.

    justme....jacqui

    sad
    
    disappointed
    
    angry
    
    

    It's weird...I'm not feeling anything.  Except maybe there is something
    terribly wrong with me.
    
    annie

    I'm not feeling much of anything either, Annie.  When I walk in a
    room and CNN is on, I find another room to sit in.  I delete all
    the mail I get about the progress of the war, often without
    reading it.  I care about the soldiers, I'm very sorry we went in
    and made this mistake, but on the whole I don't feel anything.
    
    I suspect maybe it's shock.
    
    --bonnie

    Like in 1982, wanting to be there. Can someone explain that to me?

    re .17, .18, sometimes I feel nothing, too, like a line from an old Bob
    Seger song, "What's this all got to do with me?"
    
    re .19, what happened in 1982?
    
    Lorna
    

        re 1982?, Probably the attack on the marines in Beirut,
        or the invasion of Grenada.
        
        Dan

    The un-born daughter who will never see life.  What is that grief when
    compared to the daily fears of women who now live with the knowledge
    that the children of their bodies might meet sudden, violent deaths?
    
    Work and school, the demands upon my time and energies that stretch my
    physical and emotional limits as well as place stress on the
    relationships that I value. Is it worth it? 
    
    The emotional 'nesting' -- 
    
     I couldn't rest until I found the perfect chair for my psychic
    sanctuary.
    
     I'm collecting carpet samples, wall-paper samples and paint chips and
    mentally nailing down what my house renovations will encompass over the
    next 3 - 6 years ... and I have to do it _now_
    
     After hours of doodling and reblocking, the design for Sam's Christmas
    stocking [which I had to get settled _now_] evolved into a big hearth
    with popcorn and cranberry garlands and candles and all the homely
    touches
    
    In my mind, the need to create a safe haven for myself, for those I hold
    dear, and for everyone has reached manic intensity.  On some level I
    seem to feel it's all up to me, ME.  
    
    I watch the war, I read about it, I mourn, I rage.
    
    My concerns, my stresses, my deadlines and my triumphs may seem trivial
    in the face of it all.
    
    But they are _important_! they are a part of _living_, not dying.
    
    I am thankful for what I have, I want to share it ...
    
      Annie

Sadness. Wishing I was still an x-ray tech so I could volunteer to go to one of
the medical units. I feel that if I support the war I should be over there and
be ready to deal with the horror first hand. I think the folks that decided to
go ahead with it should be there too.

Knowing I would be scared to death and remembering the first dead person I saw
and how I felt that day. Wondering if I would collapse from fear and be useless. 

Somehow I can't keep the thought from my mind that more people died on the 
highways than in Viet Nam (American deaths that is). And no one protested the
people who caused that carnage until years later when drunk driving began to
be frowned upon.

Remembering that women and children have always died terrible deaths in war.
They just weren't soldiers. At least this war (so far) has killed fewer civilians
than have died by murder, car accidents and suicide in the same time frame. liesl

Annie, thank you for this!
    
    Note 667.22   RUTLND::JOHNSTON "bean sidhe"
    
    My concerns, my stresses, my deadlines and my triumphs may seem trivial
    in the face of it all.
    
    But they are _important_! they are a part of _living_, not dying.
    
    I am thankful for what I have, I want to share it ...
    
      Annie

    I'm mad because our boy are dying
    I'm afraid it could last much longer than anticipated
    I'm disappointed that the U.S. didn't do a better job
    at destroying the weapons that are being fired in 
    Isarel
    
    I was on vacation the week the war started and every day we watched 
    the T.V. first thing in the morning and the last thing at nite.
    
    I hope I never have to listen to a war while on vacation again.
    
    All we can do is pray
    
    
    

    
    Disconnected.  Remote.  Veiled.  I don't feel a part of this.  I 
    live distant from most I am emotionally bonded to, connections are 
    not a part of usual life.  Stability is naught.  Work threatens to
    change.  Tension avalanches.  Airline employees search my eyes for 
    clues.  Mistrust pervades.  Strangers reach for common ground, war,
    which I scamper from.  Will my plane explode over Minnesota, is the
    foreigner a saboteur, will the world exist in a year, musings I've 
    never had to believe before.  I look at bridges, skyscrapers, small
    children, brick factories, beams, stadiums, automobiles, and wonder 
    what they'd look like in violent fragmentary remnants, scattered in
    a million unrecognizable pieces, like bloodsoaked eggshells.  All
    the king's horses and all the king's men can't put the world back 
    together again.
    
    How easy it is to destroy, how slow it is to rebuild.
    
    I remember a song, "it's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate, it 
    takes strength to be gentle and kind" and I wonder if hatred is so
    prevalent because it's so easy.  Are warriors this lazy?  Where is
    their searching?  Sadness.  Despair.  If I refuse to believe, it 
    will not be my truth too.
    
    I used to watch the news, but now I do not because there are no
    other visible issues besides the war, somehow so clean and inhuman,
    a video arcade at $2 billion per game.
    
    I search for a haven and I hold tightly to those I cherish.  I give
    love easier now, because soon I may not have the choice.  I marvel
    at life.  I honor freedom.  I hold peace.  I live.
    
    Carla
    

    I am vacillating between fear and anger, with some disbelief thrown
    in just to keep it interesting.
    
    I see this War Frenzy as a huge snowball going downhill faster and
    getting bigger and bigger as it goes. Everybody's getting on the
    bandwagon, waving flags, saying how wonderful it all is. Meanwhile,
    you get to have a Gen-yew-wine Armed Conflict in your living room,
    without having the nasty facts that go with it. Sanitized Combat in
    Yer Very Own Home. Television pictures of missiles homing in on windows
    in factories - wow! what great technology! (Oh, by the way, people
    are dying.)  (Huh?) (Where?)
    
    The Roman Coliseum for the Yuppie. We're *so* much more civilized now.
    
    

    
    Since this is about how I feel.....
    
    	I feel some people are missing the boat!  We are not fighting
    because we want too.  We have to!  Everyone talks about what we are
    doing there but why not talk about what that crazy man has done and
    continues to do.  Do we just sit back and watch?  Do we just watch him
    build up his arsinal?  Do we just watch to see how long it takes him
    to make nuclear bombs?  I for on say NO!  
    	I for on like the coverage.  This is part of my history in the
    making.  I can change the channel when I want to.  I can turn off the
    TV if I want to.  No one is holding my arm.  Unfortunately, there are
    people being forced to do things they don't want to.  Freedom, isn't 
    that what it is all about?  Freedom, isn't that why you live in
    America?  If it isn't, then why not move out of the country?  Because
    we are friends with our neighbors!  
    	I feel scard that the end is near.  There isn't anything I can do
    about it but suport what I feel is right.  I feel that this crazy man
    should be stoped!  I feel sorry for my son, that he may not be able to
    see his life go as long as mine.  We shal all meet again, and be
    reunited together in peace.  Sometime, sometime....
    	Hopefully I'm wrong!  Hopefully everyone is wrong!  
    
    	What do you do if you don't support what we, as America, is doing?
    How would you handle the situation?  Oh, I know, just let them blow
    each other up...thats it.
    
    	No, I don't think so.  Something has to be done!
    
    	re: -2    {{HUGS}}
    
    	Hal
    

    I'm not sure if this was to be restricted to the War, If so, co-mods
    please tell me and I will move it.
    
    Confused, on multiple fronts-
    
    On the one hand, I know that if we keep our feelings hidden, 
    and not in the notes, we can keep ourselves more protected 
    from individuals that would misuse them.
    On the other hand, the hugs and jokes can lose a dimension
    if we don't put our hearts in it.
    I imagine the answer is somewhere in between the two.  I'm
    not sure where, but it is difficult to find it.
    
    On the one hand, I want to share some of the notes stuff with
    my SO.  However, he is not Dec internal, so he is excluded.
    Part of me likes this, so I have a forum and a segment of my
    identity that he is not a party to.  Some of my notaholic acquaintances
    ask me why I don't share it with him... I don't want to be cruel...
    but it is none of his business... So I just say "I've got better
    things to do with him" so they will leave me alone. He respects
    that.... but I think it angers them somehow.  I'm not sure
    how to resolve that.
    
    I want to note freely, but in serious debate, my note friends
    often do not agree with my persona.  They tighten the "if you
    were my friend you wouldn't ..." screws and hamper some of my
    most affective debating techniques.  I'm often tempted to just
    stop.  I have found, that with some friends, things last longer
    if you don't compete in the same fields, and noting, is a field.
    I'm not sure how much is worth the sacrifice.
    
    It also scares me to be in an environment that actually "Blacklists"
    people.  But then, I guess they are just a smaller model
    of the real world.
    
    Work... I love it... there is so much to do.  I just time slice
    from network, to question, to problem request, to compilation,
    to teaching, to training to noting... I am occupied... but the
    environment such as it is... I wonder about how long.  My SO
    says not to wory about the sections of life I can not control.
    So I supress those fears... and keep the personal scheduler rolling.
    
    I guess I'm just feeling pleasant frenzy.
    
    Cindi

re: .30
    
>    I want to note freely, but in serious debate, my note friends
>    often do not agree with my persona.  They tighten the "if you
>    were my friend you wouldn't ..." screws and hamper some of my
>    most affective debating techniques.  I'm often tempted to just
>    stop.  I have found, that with some friends, things last longer
>    if you don't compete in the same fields, and noting, is a field.
>    I'm not sure how much is worth the sacrifice.
    
    Good point.  Is there a way to note without debate?  I agree noting has
    its expenses (not the least of which are frustration and time)....I
    don't think noting necessarily has to be debate and competition,
    though.
    
    
>    I guess I'm just feeling pleasant frenzy.
    
    
    The only pleasant "frenzy" I ever felt was playing pinball (Funhouse,
    to be exact) - I salute you if you can see it in such a positive light!
    
    -Jody