Conference turris::womannotes-v3

660.0. "<<A Letter to my Son...>>" by ASIC::WELCH (Mother Goose......I love geese!) Sun Jan 20 1991 19:03

						      Sunday Evening - 6:55 p.m.
						      January 20, 1991


My Dearest Son..............

Too many years have passed, with too many words left unsaid, because I wanted 
to respect your feelings of not having anything to do with me, or your sister,
Wendy.  The time has come, with the Persian Gulf upon us, that I, not knowing
if you are safe, when I must tell you all that has been in my heart, for these 
past 21 years.  Perhaps you will never see these words.....you may never even
receive this letter.....

But that is a chance I must take.  I need to speak words to you that have been 
silently spoken in my heart for all these years......I hope you will read 
this, but if you don't, God will know that I have tried to reach you.....He 
has forgiven me, and I pray that you will too..

I found myself watching the War stuff last night, and without trying, (and 
even when I tried not to), I have my eyes on alert watching for a tall, blond, 
blue eyed young man named Robert Ilsley to come on the screen.....My son......
So I find myself watching and waiting....I know it won't happen, but my heart 
and head won't turn off.....So, I have to try to keep the T.V. off so there 
isn't anything to agonize over.....I've been trying to write, but getting the 
words out is like trying to tear my heart out.....Yet, I must get it 
written...I can't have you possibly die and not know that I love you....You 
are so bitter and I am so loving and you don't even know.....I must try harder 
to get this letter written.....May God help me to find the right words, and 
get them said...

Now I've really bummed myself out......Sitting here crying over the futility 
of it all......Why did life rob us of so much?  I don't think I'll ever 
understand what happened to all of us......I've always loved all of you, and 
always will, and the pain in knowing none of you want anything to do with me, 
respecting your wishes in that, has made the last twenty years so 
difficult...Facing the horror of war and all its implications has made my 
heart panic and I need to try to reach you all......How can I ever manage 
it....Just thinking about you all like this, makes my heart hurt even 
more.....I don't know how I can stand the pain much longer......Must do 
something to try to relieve it, but who knows.....I'd almost give my life to 
be reunited with all of you in some way or other.....But, the love and 
sacrifice of the past 20+ years has got to be said.....Then I have to rely on 
Roberta to get your mail to you wherever you are......I'm sorry to be going on 
like this, but my soul needs an outlet or I will surely go mad with th
pain......

When we began, all of us, to be on our own without your Father, I really 
thought when I got my first job, that I had asked for enough money as my pay 
to take care of all of you....$100.00 (before taxes)was at that time, I 
thought, more than enough.......As long as we were military dependents, I had 
cut rate prices for all the necessities of life, and on that basis, $100 a 
week would have been enough.......But, in the real world, it wasn't anywhere 
near enough, and though I tried very hard to get support from your Father, 
there wasn't any....I watched you all trudge off to school in the morning, in 
Winter, without boots, and only shoes with holes in the soles on your 
feet......I knew that when you were hungry some of you (perhaps all of you) 
dug into the trash for potato skins to fill your empty bellies.......I knew 
that if I loved you all enough, I had to give you all a chance at a better 
life......So, by myself, with no one to help me with the decision, I 
voluntarily placed you all in your foster homes.....You, my son, were among 
the three fortunate ones.....Roberta and Nathan were better parents, and gave 
you better family than I ever could have, even if I had been able to keep you 
with me......I wasn't a particularly good mother, and who knows what would 
have happened to all of you if I had tried to keep you....We'll never know, 
but the possibilities are more horrendous than the reality, if that is 
possible......

I know that one of the biggest reasons you are so bitter is that you must have 
thought I loved Wendy more than the rest of you because I took her out of 
Foster Care and brought her back to live with me......At that time, it was 
more a matter of finances.....She was old enough that I didn't have to pay a 
babysitter for her when I was working and unable to be there......I don't know 
if I really did her any favors at the time because her life was miserable and 
filled with pain and mistakes for a very long time.....Ask her, if you dare, 
to give you her side of the story......When the years had passed and I had 
seen the hate and bitterness on your face and in your eyes, the act of 
adoption was the only way for me to try to show you that I did, and do, love 
you......Signing the papers was the second most difficult thing I have done in 
my life......But, it was the right thing to do, and you have all had a 
chance........

I have never waivered even once in those decisions.....When a decision is 
right you know it, and were the circumstances to be the same again, I would do 
exacty the same things that I did, and know that they were right at the 
time....

This has become much longer and more detailed than I had planned, but I had to
try to reach you, in some way, and let you know how very much I love you, and 
have always loved you.....I always will.......I pray for you, your safety, and 
that your heart will be able to open enough to at least read this letter.....
You are a father now, yourself, so perhaps now you can understand a little 
better what I did......The pain over the past 21 years has been so 
excruciating that at  times I would have welcomed death to stop it.....I have 
not been that lucky, but perhaps it is better this way......

Perhaps you don't want to know this, but I want to tell you anyway.....Your 
sister, Wendy, has grown and progressed into a kind, generous, sensitive, 
wise, and loving....daughter, wife and mother of three beautiful 
children....She has become my only reason for living.....She is my best friend 
and dearest confidant.......She is wise beyond her years, and gives me more 
love and support each day of my life than I have any right to, but without her 
I would surely have died a long time ago....You would truly "like" your sister 
now....She is a good, and responsible woman.....One who I am very proud to 
know.....Even if she was not my daughter, having her in my life would still be 
a privilege......in fairness to Wendy, I had to tell you. Her pain at your 
rejection of her, has put a mark  on her soul that I'm not sure can be erased...

My dearest son.......Please don't die......Please believe me when I tell you, 
that I love you with all my heart, and always have......I don't need a 
response from you to this letter, unless you wish to respond.....But I had to 
tell you.. I couldn't let you possibly die, without knowing how very much I 
love all of you......

Your birth mother.........

Barbara

    *snif*...
    
    -Jody
    

I hope he gets the letter.

Hugs,

Kathy

    When something  leaves me speechless I am lost for words...
    
    Your letter is so sad, so painful, that if it reaches your son I have no
    doubt that you'd hear from him... I pray to GOD to keep him alive and
    give him the understanding and maturity for him to reach you, because
    you have REACHED for him... I have faith that, sooner or later, you
    will find him... or better, he'll find you...
    
    I hug and, have faith... we must have faith in the future, this war
    will end!  Let's hope it is soon...  Best regards, Ana
    

    Re .3
    
    Me too.. Don
             *8-)
    

    all of have some past, some history, that tears.  some worse than
    others.
    
    WHY!? it shouldn't have to be this way.
    
    peace

God, Barbara.  That really got me crying.  I wish you the best of luck with
your son, and the rest of your children.

     Carol