| I would give answers, as matter of factly, as the questions... answers
easy enough for her to understand and have her curiosity satisfied...
at that age, a child's mind is very pure and straight forward, a simple
straight forward answer, given with confidence, is best.
I got many "weird" questions from my 3 kids when they were growing
up... most of them, funny as could be! Those moments of "questions and
answers" can be one of the most enjoyable for both! Don't be afraid to
answer kid's questions... it's part of human nature and of growing up.
Lots of luck, Ana
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| re .3
Thanks! And I thank the contributors to this file for adding to my
awareness. I want to put it to good use by raising my family in a
manner that treats people (especially themselves) as individuals.
Why I am asking my questions about fatherhood here is that I hope
to get insight as to how the readers were affected by their own
dads (good hopefully, but bad as well), and how they see their
own daughters relating to their (daughters) dad.
My wife's work schedule situation allows me to spend quite a bit of
time with just the kids (not unlike many families these days). I
feel I'm as much an influence on them as Shelly. I want that influence
to be as positive as possible.
John
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Ohh..my goodness. What a question.
Made me think twice, three times before I answered, and then I decided
I didn't know the answer. [helpful, wasn't I?]
What I _do_ know is that somehow, I grew up as just Melinda. Not
Melinda who is a girl/woman...or Melinda who is _not_ a boy...but
Melinda.
No career option was marked out of bounds, no wandering juvenile
decision to become [insert least applicable job here] ever denegrated.
I _do_ remember being told when I decided to become a Roman Catholic
Priest that I would have a tough road to hoe to get there...but I was
not told I _couldn't_...just that I would have to convince the Pope.
Every sport I wanted was pursue was supported to the best of his ability
to the point of offering to start a female football team if I was _really_
serious about wanting to play. [I wasn't...I was only serious about
what his reaction would be.]
Does this tell you anything? I don't know how he did it...smoke and
mirrors perhaps? He certainly was not a model father...but somehow,
amidst the other _stuff_ that went on he instilled in his daughters a
sense of 'person'. Even when we were over-ruled, and he was a strict
authoritarian, it was on the grounds of 'my-house-my-rules' _not_
'I am right, you are wrong.' He taught us to make sure we were right
and then fight...regardless of the odds or the opponant.
And perhaps most important of all...he treated our Mother as if she
were a full voting member of the establishment. Now that I have
verbally meandered all over this page, maybe I have finally landed on
the reason, after all. Maybe it was how he treated Mother. Even when
fighting [this is before alcoholism really consumed him...but during
the time when I would have been impressionable] he treated her as a
person, not his wife or our mother. They argued issues not permission.
You really got me thinking...thanks.
Melinda
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Dear John,
I'm a British father of four (boys 6, 9, girls 2, eight months).
Already my two-year-old, who is very articulate for her age, is doing
those charming distortions of time and gender. She assures me that
when I'm a little girl she will give me cuddles or that when she's a
big boy she will go to school with her brothers.
I understand your interest in, and concern about, role identity and
self-worth. I feel it very acutely, too, since, as the youngest of
three children myself, and the only boy, I realize that I had the
benefit of many more opportunities in life than my sisters, by virtue
of my gender. I love my daughters and want them to achieve all that is
possible while always feeling self-determining, proud and strong.
In response to my daughter's questions and statements, I do not try to
"correct" her picture of the world. For all I know, I may be a baby
girl in the future - her wisdom being greater than mine in that she
already understands and accepts it!
What I do try to watch is the language I use with her; particularly
adjectives (I point out how strong she is - and why should she be
"pretty" if the boys are not? etc.). I play the same "dangerous" games
with her that I played with the boys. I didn't deny her the toy truck
or football she wanted for Christmas; nor do I deny our six-year-old
the doll he wants to take to bed.
There's more, but I guess I'm saying that the gender questions are but
one aspect of concept formation. There is much else we do as fathers
of daughters that impacts self-concept formation. Perhaps the most
important thing is how, if we are not single parents, we treat our
daughters' mother and the model roles we play with her.
Best wishes,
Brian
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