Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    
    I prefer being alone.
    I prefer eating alone,
    sleeping alone, driving alone,
    traveling alone, adventuring alone,
    and I most definitely prefer living alone.
    I'm my own best friend.
    I trust me,
    laugh with me,
    sometimes spit at me in mirrors,
    or wink and make silly faces,
    I infuriate me and forgive me,
    buy myself gifts,
    reward myself for the smallest of accomplishments,
    take myself to the movies and dinner,
    and at 2am when I'm drunk and tired, I can carry myself upstairs 
    and take advantage of me (to quote Tom Waits).
    
    I'm unafraid to face my own monsters, to look within, to listen
    within, to laugh within.  I am all I'll ever *really* have, so I
    may as well enjoy myself while I can.
    
    Carla
    

I spend a lot of time alone, some of it by choice and some not. I often ride
alone (not counting my horse and dog of course) and spend the time singing or
daydreaming or generally enjoying the scenery.

I spend hours reading alone and enjoy it immensely. I prefer shopping alone and
don't mind eating alone. I walk my dogs alone and like it quite enough.

But then, ah, but then...there are times I really wish I had a companion. There
are times when being alone is the last thing I want. I want to be alone together
with someone, not alone in the crowd. liesl

    I used to be terrified of being alone, because it felt like nobody was
    there.  I got into serial monogamous relationships - one after the
    other - so they could help me feel alive, help me feel okay, because I
    wasn't feeling very okay by myself.  This has changed slowly. 
    sometimes I even *like* being by myself - treating myself to special
    things - taking care of myself.....
    
    Cultivating self-esteem must be one of the toughest gardens to grow,
    though.....
    
    -Jody
    

    I don't feel quite as exuberant about the experience as you do, 
    Carla!  (I always laugh when I hear Tom Waits sing that line!)  
    There are many things I prefer to do alone (any kind of shopping 
    that isn't fun in and of itself.  e.g., I like company when I'm 
    browsing antiques, crafts, window shopping, or at an auction, but 
    not when I have a clear objective. e.g., food for the week, or a 
    dress for a wedding.)
    
    I don't mind eating alone, though I feel more comfortable eating 
    solo in some places than others.

    When I sleep alone for a long time, I get to like that and sometimes
    think the bed's crowded if there's someone else there.  But then I 
    get to like that other warm presence and I miss them when they're 
    gone.

    I don't mind driving alone.  The only problem with that is that I 
    don't get to stretch out my legs and look out the window.

    My little mini-vacation in Florida was the first time I'd ever taken
    myself away anywhere.  I've travelled alone before, but it was 
    always with the eventual goal of meeting up with another person or 
    other people at some point.  It was _ok_.  I sometimes felt 
    self-conscious about being alone; but when I was able to putu away
    that feeling, I enjoyed myself thoroughly.  I found places to eat 
    where I felt comfortable.  I occasionally had "wouldn't it be nice
    if..." thoughts, usually when I felt especially happy to be where I 
    was, and missing someone to share that with; but it didn't lessen my
    enjoyment too much.  It was better than not doing it at all for lack
    of a companion!  The sunsets where just as nice, the breeze just as 
    fair. 

    I wish I was: my own best friend, and that I trusted myself more 
    often.

    Some other things I prefer to do alone are go to agricultural fairs 
    in the fall, and flea markets.

    Sometimes I just like being alone, no matter what it is I'm doing.
    
    When I got back from vacation and picked up my cat, I was hoping she
    would at least recognise me.  She not only recognised me, but I 
    think she was happy to see me!  She purred for hours after we got 
    home, she followed me around and even laid down with me when I took 
    a nap (something she doesn't usually do).  That was nice; I can't 
    remember being welcomed back so appreciatively by any human in 
    recent years.  >sigh<

    I have a friend who will go to a movie he doesn't particularly want 
    to see, but just to spend time with his companion.  I don't do that!
    And I don't like it when someone does that with me, either.  I like 
    to do the things I like with someone who also likes the thing we're 
    doing.

    I guess I prefer a sort of easy-going companionship, but I'm not 
    going to not do the things I want to do for want of a partner-in-
    crime.

    CQ

    I enjoy being alone, but I much prefer to share the good times with my
    husband and he with me.  Because I'm in school, John will spend some
    time at a conference in California this spring without me, but then
    we'll meet in Peoria (my hometown :^) for the big St. Patricks' Day
    party at my sister's.  We don't mind being apart so long as we're
    planning to be together thereafter!
    
    Marge
    
    

    Alone time is important for me.  If I don't spend time by myself,
    doing little things for me, by me, I tend to get antsy and 
    difficult to be around. 
    
    I like different "degrees of alone".  For example, sometimes I want
    do something with just one person, like Yvonne, or one of my parents
    or siblings.  I even resent if anyone else will be there. Having
    "alone" time with someone makes the time we spend seem special.
     	

    Linda

	I have never thought of "alone" or "not alone".

	I do things by myself, I do things with my husband, I do things with
	family/friends..................there is no significance for me of 
	"alone" or "not alone". It's what I/we are doing that holds the 
	significance. 
	
	Heather

    Being alone is a luxury to me. And from the very onset of our
    relationship, my husband has sensed and respected this need in me for
    what he calls "alone time".  I think much of this need stems from being
    a twin - I spent 17 years living and sharing constantly with someone
    whom I'm very close to.  But the absence of my twin, and other people,
    is also a very special feeling for me, and I revel in my time alone.
    

    I need both.  I need time alone and time with other people.  I wouldn't
    want to have to be alone all the time, or with other people all the
    time.  I have no problem living with other people because I always have
    in one context or another (my parents, my ex-husband, roommates).  I've
    never lived alone and have no great desire to.  But, I have almost
    always had my own room to get away in to read, listen to music, draw or
    paint, or even watch a movie, even while living with others.  I think
    that's important.  I don't mind if other people are always in the same
    house or apartment, but I don't always want them in the same room.
    
    I spend quite a bit of time alone and don't mind it as long as I know
    that when I choose to be with other people, I have other people to be
    with (friends, family, SO, whatever).
    
    I grew up in a very rural area and usually there were no other kids to
    play with during summer vacations so, at a very early age, I became
    accustomed to amusing myself when there was nobody else around.  I
    spent a lot of time, as a child, reading, drawing, painting, walking in
    the woods, and playing games by myself.  The other side to this,
    though, is that I have spent so much time alone in my life that I
    sometimes don't think of being alone as being very special.  I tend to
    think of it as something I can always be.  I can always be alone.  But,
    on the other hand, I think I can deal with being alone better than a
    lot of other people.
    
    I have also noticed that I have gone through various phases in regard
    to my priorities as far as being alone goes.  When I was younger child
    I was a definite loner.  Then, when I got into high school I began to
    feel lonely, decided I needed more friends, and made a conscious effort
    to get them.  For awhile, I put being with other people ahead of what
    the particular activity was.  In other words, I would do things I
    didn't want to do, just to be with other people, and sometimes wouldn't
    get to do things that I did want to do.  Now, that I'm an adult, I
    realize that I would rather do want I want to do at any given time,
    even if it means doing it alone, than do something I don't want to do
    just to be with other people.  
    
    Now, I often go to movies alone because I love movies and don't want to
    miss out on them just because there's nobody else to go with me.  I
    have also gone to rock concerts alone, art museums, antique shows, the
    beach, shopping and out to eat.  I also like to do all of these things
    with other people.  I like a 50/50 mix I guess of doing things alone
    and with other people.  
    
    I prefer to do things with just one or two other people whom I
    particularly like.  I don't particularly care to do things in large 
    groups of people but can stand it occasionally.
    
    Even so, I don't feel as gung-ho about being alone as Carla seems to. 
    I'd still rather have someone else take advantage of me, rather than
    resort to taking advantage of myself. 
    
    Lorna
    

I have lived alone now for 2 years, and have to say that I love it.  I enjoy
spending time alone, and doing most things alone.  I do some reading, enjoy
listening to music, shopping, cooking, etc.  At times I can't imagine having
anyone else around as I've become so accustomed to being alone.

I enjoy getting together with friends, but sometimes wonder if maybe all the
time I spend alone has made it difficult to "relate" to other people (outside
of work) and perhaps has made me a bit more introverted than I care to be.  I 
also know that during winter I tend to hibernate and not be as sociable as I
am in warmer months.  So now, I'm examining these things and have come to the
conclusion that I need to sprinkle a bit more socializing in with my time alone,
or at least engage in some new activities, the leading candidate of which is
taking lessons to learn how to play the guitar I keep trying to play..



I love my time alone, but I also *hate* the lonliness that sometimes is a 
result. 




Jim

    
    
    
    
       I like to be alone for certain things. I often take L-O-N-G
    bubblebaths and read a book. I value that time alone. During
    the summer, I like to go to Walden Pond by myself and sit in
    the sun and read. I also go shopping alone, watch movies alone,
    eat alone, run errands alone, etc..... I like to be by myself
    because I don't like to deal with other peoples' attitudes,
    routines, and the like, sometimes. I hate listening to commplaints
    when I'm at the beach, or shopping, etc... For instance, I have
    a friend who won't even spend 10 minutes in Filene's with me because
    she doessn't have a Filene's charge and I do. So....I go alone
    so I don't have to deal with that. I'm kind of a weird person,
    I think.
    
       I don't like to sleep alone, though. I really like to sleep
    next to my SO.
    
       I took a vacation to Florida by myself last year. It was great.
    All I did was sit on the beach ALL day. I woke up at 6:00 am and
    walked 3 miles to the beach, and walked back at 5:00 pm. I went to bed
    around 8:00pm. NOBODY I know would do that with me. I mean, follow my
    routine. So, I go it alone.
    
       I think I'm kind of selfish, but hey.......that's me. I think it's
    very important to do things on your own. Then again, it's also nice
    to share. :-)
    
    
    
              -Jennifer!

    
    I don't understand how one can be "alone" in a shopping mall, movie
    theater, restaurant, or anywhere else in a city where there's millions
    of people (except perhaps alone in your own home or room).
    
    The note that rang the bells in my head was the one that mentioned being
    alone at Walden Pond.  There is *no way* one can be alone at Walden Pond
    in the summer, and usually not at any time of year.
    
    Being alone to me means the woods and mountains.  But even when I'm
    there "alone", I'm usually not alone, because there are other people
    there too.
    
    Of course, one can feel "lonely" when there are other people around,
    but "alone"?  I don't understand how.
    

    
    i'm not particularly a fan of being alone. the vast majority of
    my favorite activities require other people around so i haven't
    felt able to answer the other note. sure, i love to read and
    other solo activites. but i hate going to the movies alone or
    even eating alone.
    

    re .13
    
    Yes, it is possible for one to feel alone in a crowd.  It's almost a
    disconnected feeling, when you just don't feel part of what's going on
    around you.  Sometimes it seems that everyone *else* in the crowd is
    happy, having a good time, with someone they care about...whatever. 
    Sometimes it's a feeling of being out of synch with others.  (One song
    that comes to mind is "Tracks of My Tears"; listen to the lyrics some
    time.)
    
    That aloneness may come from wanting to fit in, but not knowing how; or
    it may be magnified by a recent experience.
    
    
    As always, your mileage may vary
    Judi
    

    re .13, Ellen, to me being alone (in a mall, theater, etc.) means that
    I don't have to carry on a conversation with another person, and it
    means I can do whatever I want as far as picking a movie or a
    restaurant or store to browse in without having to consider anybody
    else's desires.  Sometimes I'd rather be with a companion inspite of
    these considerations, and sometimes I'd rather be alone.
    
    Lorna
    
    P.S.  But, I agree that technically there are obviously other people
    around.  But, strangers that I usually don't have to interact with.
    

    Augh! I have been complaining that I have been with Mike for almost 4
    years and have not ever been alone in that whole time. What's that 
    saying about, "be careful what you wish for, it might come true"...He's
    leaving on a 2 week business trip to England tomorrow. I can deal with
    being alone, but I hate the nights! I am terrified of the dark. I hope
    my kitties protect me. Mike taught me how to refill the gas boiler in 
    the basement because it runs out of water about 2x a week. What he 
    doesn't realize is that I have no intention whatsoever of going into
    the dark creepy basement alone :-) 
    
    But aside from that, I enjoy time alone and can always find something
    to keep me out of trouble. (Or in trouble, as the case may be:-)
    
    Dee
                                                                    

    
    	I think I'd go nuts if I didn't have some time by myself.
    	I like to just walk on the beach or by a river or pond.
    	Take a walk through the woods (in the spring/summer) and
    	maybe just sit for awhile amongst the trees.  I prefer to
    	be alone when driving.  I like to just hibernate in the 
    	bedroom sometimes curled up under the comforter with a 
    	good book and a cup of hot cocoa.  I love spending time
    	with my husband and friends and family but there are times
    	when I need to be by myself and fortunately my husband respects
    	that.
    
    	When I was younger and living at home, there was a pond I used
    	to go to.  But it has since been turned into a state park. =(
    	Or I'd go up and sit in the attic and just stare out the window
    	at the traffic going by.  In later years, it became my bedroom. =)
    
    	I think time to oneself is very important.  Everyone needs to 
    	get away from the hub-bub of everyday life and just sink into
    	themselves.
    
    	JJ
    

Ellen, you really must come out west. You'll be *really* alone in the vast open
spaces. I have some ravines where I ride that seem to have stuck 100 years in
the past. I lose all sense of time while I ride there. No roads, no people, no
telephone poles. I remember the first time I saw the eastern plains of Colorado.
The vastness was staggering. And the night sky overwhelming. But looking out
from the top of Pikes Peak and seeing the mountains spread out for miles makes
you feel very small indeed. 

I went to Walden Pond 2 years ago. I was appalled. Children screaming, ice 
vendors and neon bathing suits. So much for quiet contemplation in the woods.
liesl

    Comfortable.
    
    Barb

    
    re .20, liesl:
    
    Sigh.  I'd love to live out West.  As a consolation prize, I've
    traveled quite a bit out there instead.
    
    I can't say I was 'appalled' the first time I went to Walden Pond.
    Let's just say it didn't lessen my cynicism any.
    

    Way out west? You mean ... Fitchburg?

    Since I'm the one that started this note, I intended to reply, but
    haven't managed to find the time until now.

    I enjoy both spending time alone and spending time with friends. I used
    to live alone and actually prefer it, although there are some
    advantages to living with my husband that I would miss.  You can't have
    it all, I guess.

    Sometimes I want to be with friends sometimes I want to be alone. What
    I don't like is not having the option of spending time with friends.
    For me spending time alone is not as enjoyable, at those times when I
    would prefer to be with friends, but none is available.  I wish that I
    could feel like you do, Carla (.1), but when I spend too much time
    alone I begin to feel lonely.  For me there is comfort in knowing that
    I have a shoulder to cry on if I need it and my joy is more enjoyable
    when I share it with someone who cares.

    What I like is a balance between the two.  It's a balance that, for me,
    has been difficult to acheive.

    Mary

    BTW - I once managed to be alone at Walden Pond on an Indian Summer
    weekday.
    

    in re .23
    
    Fitchberg is *east*
    
    Try Royalston, we are almost at the foothills of the Berkshires..
    
    :-)
    
    and I like being alone to read but not for really long periods of
    time.
    
    Bonnie

Alone? Alone is a high sierra meadow with the nearest other human
being at least ten miles away, but who really knows... Alone is a
river beach that's taken two hours of whitewater to get to, and
your companions still upstream. Alone is a snowcovered hilltop,
skiied into for miles, and nothing man made as far as the eye can
see. Have you ever tried just sitting, out in the middle of the
desert in Joshua Tree, not doing anything for at least two hours?
Not reading, not eating, not setting up camp, not sleeping, just
sitting and thinking about yourself? You learn interesting things
that way - not all of them pleasant.

I love being by myself.

	-- Charles

    
    I love and cherish my alone-time.
    
    I enjoy my own company a great deal - time on my own is my time for
    thinking, for assessment, for writing, for being creative, for
    nurturing myself, for recovering from "people pollution", for
    meditating, exercising, spoiling myself, and generally looking after
    my Self so that I can enjoy life to the full....
                                              
    Also, there are things I enjoy doing alone that can be done with others. 
    I find that going to an art gallery or a movie is different when I'm on 
    my own - I see things more sharply and remember them better. And doing
    this alone reminds me that I do things in this life for the experience 
    that *I* can gain from them - not to impress someone else, or so I can 
    discuss it with someone else, but just for me....
    
    Yes, sometimes it's nice to share. That can be special too.
    Sometimes other people are essential - the choir I sing in, the
    communities on our network! :-) (for starters...)
    
    I find great pleasure in both being along and being with others - it's
    a balance in my life that I value a great deal.
    
    'gail
    

    
>    Try Royalston, we are almost at the foothills of the Berkshires..
 
	You couldn't be alone anywhere in Berkshire, I mean, right in the 
	middle of the Thames valley..........

	Heather
	Decpark
	Reading
	Berkshire	:-)
	England

    Yes Heather.. :-) :-0
    
    the Massachusetts Berkshires!
    
    Bonnie

    ah, the Berkshires.  Home territory.  Folks, there's just a heck of a
    whole lot of Massachusetts west of Worcester that has nothing to do
    with lobsters, Cape Cod, or beans; and in this I'm not including the
    Basketball Hall of Fame, the Mohawk Trail, Tanglewood, or UMass.
    
    Hey!  maybe I should shhhhh...

    No, Sara!
    
    Don't tell them how beautiful and unspoiled it is out in western Mass..
    most people thing that the state stops a bit to the west of Worcester!
    
    shhh
    
    Bonnie

How people feel about being alone seems to depend on whether they *chose* to be 
that way - and how often they find themselves in that position.  

If you're alone because you can't find/have recently lost someone [special] to
be with, it can be awful....

...but, if you're alone by choice - especially if it's a chance to get away from
people [who've been hassling you] - it can be enjoyable and relaxing....

		Helen

    Well, I must admit that I make it a point to be good company for myself,
    whether it involves going out, taking a vacation, or staying home alone.
    
    If I can't stand to be with myself, another person won't protect me from
    my own terrible company.  In that case, I wouldn't want to inflict myself
    on someone else either.  ;^)
    
    I try to make sure it never gets that bad.  ;^)
    
    -jt

    There was a great quote by either Emerson or Thoreau to the effect of 
    "If you can't stand to be in the company of only yourself, maybe others
    don't want to be in your company either."
    
    D!

    I was alone when.................
    
    The war started on prime time TV.  My husband was in Chicago at a
    meeting.  My 19 yr old son at college.  What I felt is hard to put
    into words.  A disconnected,unbelieving sense of despair came over
    me.  A total helplessness to do anything but stare mindlessly at
    events I had no part in or control over but may affect the my life
    and the lives of so many in the near future.  Sometimes I like being
    alone to read or watercolor but this.............
    
    Not to have anyone to hug or even say "isn't this awful"...........
    
    A numbness is with me still...an almost inability to function properly
    just going from task to task...not really sleeping....a twilight of
    inability to grasp the situation....powerless to change it.
    
    God give us all the strength to live through these days.  The troops
    in the Desert are in our minds and hearts.  Lord give them the courage
    to carry our their mission and come home soon.
    
    Mom of a 19 year old son

    
    - usually, that is.  Like I keep telling people, being alone is not
    the same as being lonely.  Being lonely to me is living in the same house
    with someone you don't want to be with and not realizing you are the
    one who has the key to change things.  
    
    It isn't for everyone - and I'llknow when I need it to change.  For
    now - I intend to enjoy! 
    
    Carol