| Please... don't be bitter and don't blame youself, by reading though
your note it seems that your mother is very well taken care of, but
please understand that an old person cannot change his/her ways
overnight, it is a great change for her (regardless if it is for the
better, it is a CHANGE anyway and she will resent it) and she will
blame anybody around for that. Don't take this against you, it is
against the irreversible move of LIFE... you are young and free and you
symbolizes what she does not have, so that's why she wants to influence
you into getting her out of there and resents you when you don't do it.
I went though a very hard time when my Mom passed away... she was in a
hospital for almost 3 months, the hospital was 1 hr. by plane from
home, my two other sisters spent 2 1/2 days each with her in the
hospital and I spent friday evenings, sat and Sundays with her, and
flying back home on Sunday night to relieve hy husband from caring of
our 3 kids... he was the bread-winner, I cared for the children and
cooked and managed everything during the week so he had all done for
the week-end... I slept every week-end on an iron chair next to her.
She was not alone for a single minute, there was always one of the of us,
day and night, with her, and when she died... we all were there with
her, she died surrounded by her husband and ALL her 4 children...
No one knows how much money we spent in flight tickets and taxis from
the airport to hospital and viceversa in all that time, my sisters did
as well though they lived within 20 miles and took buses to visit, but
did not want to be alone there, she wanted to come home but doctors
would not allow it, so we made sure she had us with her, it was a
strain, but we all were willing to do it. Then came the problem with
Dad... he decided not to leave his home, and he is not handy at all, or
self sufficient... he paid a cleaning woman who came twice a week to
clean but then left, so he was alone in a house and if something
happened to him we would not know... my nephews rotated themselves to
sleep in his house to keep an eye on him, and that lasted for 3 years,
my oldest sister's husband passed away and Dad moved in to live with
her a few months after his passing. Now he is 87, is well taken care
of, has decent meals and what is very important, it not alone in his
last years... he helps financially with the upkeep of my sister's house
and she is not alone either, so our situation came to a good end for
all involved but... it is not easy, the care for older parents is a
very difficult and very hurtful stage in all our lives because every
situation is different, or unique.
Your Mother is well taken care of, is as hard for her as it is for you
to go through these times, don't discourage, do the best you can for
her and don't take things too personal, when a person is old becomes a
bit insensible to certain things... I've seen a few senile olds who
were quite oblivious, or unaware, of what they were saying, when old,
they close themselves into a world of their own... they don't mean to
hurt anybody, life changes and the world that they used to know becomes
different for them, thats all.
A big hugh and best wishes, Ana
children
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I'm sorry you have to go through this. My father had to go through
this too. My grandfather got to a point where he could no longer
take care of himself, in Cleveland, OH. He also was talking to
people who weren't there and was berating any staff that came to help
him in his apt. Since none of his kids were near him, we had him
moved to Erie, PA in a nursing home just up the street. (He needed
real nursing care.) He was mean as could be to my father and mother,
as he always had been. He actually got worse and worse as time went
on. He'd ask them to please bring him some cyanide because he hated
being in Erie ... He was nice as pie to me. MY point is that your
Mom's behavior might be pretty normal. She's furstrated at loosing
her independance. She believes that she spend approx 20 years of
her life dedicated to you. So, you're "leaving her there" is causing,
in her opinion, her loss of independance. Therefore, you're responsible.
"And after all I did for you?!", she thinks.
I'm not saying she's right. I'm just trying to explain where I think
she's coming from.
By the way, I'll be that even IF you gave in and let her move in
with you, she'd still be miserable and mad. She'd probably find
another reason.
I don't think that this is an inevitable progression of aging. I
think it depends alot on how an individual handles anger.
Good luck and stick to your guns!
Rachael
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| Barbara,
Having a mother whom I didn't like either, I can empathize.
She finally died early this year, and it was only then that I realized
that being a responsible daughter was a form of love. I had done the
right thing even though it cost me much pain and anger at myself for
agreeing to be the daughter who made sure she was provided for at
the end of her life. One thing I did do for myself that helped
me to keep my sanity was to keep my visits down to every other weekend
so I had a breather. I also managed to only see her in a more public
setting where having other people to talk too kept me from losing
my composure. This helped enough that I could make spending time
with her less painful for me. You may want to try something similar.
If you need to talk more, please write or call.
Hugs and Support,
Barb
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