Conference turris::womannotes-v3

Thank you for starting this topic, Judy. I too need help in dealing with
troublesome situations effectively. I'll be looking forward to hearing from 
people who are adept at this skill. I'm an expert at *avoiding* confrontation,
and I believe this has hurt me somewhat at work and in personal relationships.

re: your DCU story - If I had done anything (80/20 chance I wouldn't!) I think 
I would have touched the line-cutter's arm as she was moving in front to hand
in her withdrawal slip. Then I would have said (in a coldly polite voice) 
"Excuse me, but I believe I was ahead of you in line", meantime handing MY 
paperwork or badge past her to the teller. Or maybe I'd have said, "Pardon me, 
but the line begins at the door and it's my turn now". 

I suspect that the line-cutter would respond with an apology which I could 
acknowledge with a nod and return to my banking business. Or she might just 
step silently back into line, giving me a dirty look (which I could ignore). I 
doubt she'd argue with me or shove me out of the way (maybe at a concert, but 
not too likely at DCU IMHO)!

	Sue

    Judy,
      I don't think it is so much knowing what to say as having the
    guts to say it.  It would be nice sometimes to have no inhibitions
    to what you said, and just say the first thing that comes to mind.
    One thing I try to do is to reward myself if I do say something in 
    these situations, and if I don't just accept that the confrontation 
    wasn't worth it to me that day.  Maybe think about what you would
    have said, and practice saying it out loud to yourself.
    	Linda

    I'd probably have said something like "Excuse me, but I'm next" at the
    time she cut in front.  I tend to not want to be too insulting because
    she may have been really spaced out and not aware of what she did.  I
    do some pretty inconsiderate things when I'm not paying attention, and
    feel really bad if someone insults me, 'cause when I am paying
    attention I'm considerate, and we all have those days.
    
    Mary

    
    no doubt i am weird, but in such situations as the queue cutter at
    the bank, i always feel a sense of power and/or superiority by
    doing nothing.
    
    this is not meant to imply that 'assertiveness' is trivial. the
    opposite, perhaps. what is true power or control in a situation?
    

    Aha! A similar situation happened to me the other day. I was in a
    department store and searched high and low for a shopping cart.
     I finally went out side and brought one in. With  cart in tow,
    I went about my business.  As soon as I left the cart, a man 
    started to take it for his own.  (it was still empty.)
    I walked up to him and said "I'm sorry, but that's my cart."
    He gave me the rudest look!  I didn't care....let him find
    his own cart.  
    
    I don't think I've ever done that before, but I didn't have
    time to get another cart!
    
    BTW...I took Dale Carnegie a year ago...it is about $900.
    I can think of better ways to spend the tuition..

>    I would like some ideas as to how I can start to overcome a problem
>    that I have - Confrontation.  

As a Past Guru of Doormat-hood, let me express my condolences. It's so
frustrating to hold your feet in internally boiling waters.

Start small. When you get dreadful coffee or food in a restaurant,
request a swap. This is not so personal, and it's a good start.

Bad restaurants were the prime source of my "Say There!" skill,
although the first time I ever "spoke up" to a stranger was 20 years
ago in a fire storm of irritation. She cut in front of me in line,
occupied the ticket taker for three or four minutes getting detailed
directions, thus making me miss my train, tried to block my passage on
the stairway and ripped by $5.00 stockings, AND THEN told me to watch
where I was going.  I went beserk and followed her up and down the
train platform hollering that she should give me $5.00 to pay for the
stockings.  For the first five seconds I was trembling with shock at
what I was doing ... and then -- while I kept hollering -- at last, I
knew what  L I B E R A T I O N  felt like. It was worth the price
of the nylons.   :) :) :) 

So good luck.  It takes practice but gets easier.  Meigs

P.S. For those of you who find the Carnegie courses a bit costly,
     try Toastmasters.  COMET::TOASTMASTERS, note 41, has a list
     of all the clubs in DEC that I know about.

    
    I had the impression that it is precisely this kind of situation
    (plus some) that the current spate of Assertiveness Training addresses.
    
    I too am an ex-doormat. Getting over it had to do with my growing into
    the view, in all aspects of my life, that I had a perfectly equal right
    with *anyone* else (regardless of age, gender or "status") to make
    myself heard and state my view. 
    
    I also came to realise that overcoming the fear of speaking out in a 
    situation was less painful than the pain of beating yourself up
    endlessly about your non-assertivenss after the incident. 
    I had two choices - either speak up, or stop beating myself. 
    I took the former, but both are valid approaches, IMO.
    
    'gail
    

I usually say as nicely as I can, "Excuse me, there's a line".

Works every time.

Good luck,
john

    I teach a half-day course and workshop on assertive behavior for
    documentation folks (writers, editors, artists, typesetters, etc.), but
    much of what's covered is applicable to general situations. (About 80%
    of the students are women. The next class which probabably will be
    a full day to include more role playing, is tentatively scheduled for
    Dec. 5 or 6 in Acton.)
    
    There are many books on assertive behavior. I use a lot of material
    from YOUR PERFECT RIGHT by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons (Impact
    Publishers. I have the 5th edition dated 1986, but I think there is 
    now a 6th or 7th edition.)
    
    I have ordered and am eagerly awaiting my copy of THE ASSERTIVE WOMAN
    by Stanlee Phelps and Nancy Austin, same publisher. I've never read it,
    anc can't comment on it now. I'll enter a review here.
    
    Re: several back. An appropriate assertive response to the person who
    cut ahead of the line is to say something like, "Excuse, but I believe
    I was next."
    
    I don't consider myself to be an extremely assertive person, but these
    techniques have been very helpful to me, both at work and in my
    personal life.
    
    Bruce

    Do you assume the other person is being deliberately rude to you or 
    devaluing you? This could make a difference. They may be,
    but more often, in my experience, they're not. As someone else 
    pointed out, they may be preoccupied and not fully aware of what 
    they are doing.
    
    Even if they are being deliberately rude, you are not obligated to
    be rude in return. You can politely remind them that you are next
    in line. Your anxiety about protecting your rights may stem from
    the belief that you have to insult the other person in order to
    do so. Any kind of aggressive behavior or thoughts brings guilt
    with it, in my experience, and that guilt will cause the jamming 
    of feelings that results in immobility.
    
    Let us know what happens next time you are in this situation.
    
    Eileen

    In some book or other I read the suggestion that you go buy something
    (like a blouse, for example) that you don't want so that you can
    return it -- *if* returning an item is one of your problems with
    asswertiveness.  Then make yourself return it.  It's a step.
    
    Another suggestion used in classes or groups:  Everyone shares some
    small assertiveness problem they have.  Group members suggest
    strategies for overcoming the problems -- things to say, etc. Between
    classes people practice their individual problems and share results at
    the next gathering.  Being part of a group of others who have similar
    problems -- and knowing that everyone has a commitment to each other
    to try and then to report results -- tends to help carry you through.
    You want the others to succeed and somehow your own efforts are a
    crucial part of all that.
    
    Nancy

    I had an interested confrontation experience yesterday.  Typically I
    avoid confrontation.  (I am the type who cringes when my dinner partner
    complains to a waitron.)
    
    About two months ago I tried to buy renter's insurance.  I met with the
    agent and he wrote me up, but never sent me bill or policy.  I kept
    calling and getting the run around, then he lost my form...and other
    stuff.  In a word, a gazillion things went wrong, and I felt they were
    due to the incompetency of the agent.  Thursday he called to finalize,
    and I felt really uncomfortable about being insured through such an
    unreliable agent, but to avoid confrontation, I just answered yes to
    his questions, as he once *again* promised to send me to policy ASAP.
    
    Then I got off the phone and thought about...if this is how bad he is
    about *getting* insurence, how bad will filing a claim be?  So I called
    him back, and told him politely but firmly that I didn't like the way
    he did business, that I didn't want to buy insurance from him, and
    would be please return my check immediately.
    
    It felt really good to stand up for myself, and make a decision I knew
    was right even though I had to directly confront someone to do it.
    
    D!

    D!
    
    Make sure he returns your check, or better yet, stop payment now!
    
    Bruce

    Boy, this is a good topic!  My problem with confrontation seems
    unique, at this point (PLEASE share similar experiences so I'll
    know I'm not alone in this!). When faced with confrontation, I 
    react one of two ways:
    
    1.  I either OVERreact (yes, bordering on rude if I'm angry enough) 

    2.  Or I completely back down and walk away.  
    
    I can't seem to find a middle ground... Had I been in the DCU for 
    the cutting-in-line episode, I most certainly would have spoken up, 
    LOUDLY.  It wouldn't have occurred to me that the woman who cut 
    in front of me was simply not paying attention and didn't realize
    her mistake.  Had she stated that as her case, I would undoubtedly
    have felt bad about my outburst.  But 9 times out of ten, in that
    situation (happens in the grocery store, dry cleaners, etc.), when
    I speak up, I get a dirty look and the offender goes to the end
    of the line).
    
    How do you find a middle ground, where you can remain tactful and
    polite (when extremely angry) or be willing to make the effort when
    the anger isn't present?
    
    And another question -- at the risk of sounding sexist (sorry, but
    recent experiences have made me realize that this is a fact of life)--
    How do you handle confrontations with men who are extremely insecure?
    (for example, men who take advice, criticism, polite suggestions, 
    anything along those lines as an ATTACK, and who react by shouting,
    swearing, and not speaking to you...).  I'm honestly tired of dealing
    with females as fellow human beings and dealing with the insecure
    males with kid gloves, on tip toe.  (Don't get me wrong, I'm not
    lumping all men into this category -- but there are quite a few
    out there who fit this description, and I've yet to come across
    a female who does).  I know there's a difference between being
    assertive and being aggressive.  But short of returning to the doormat
    role (which seems to be the only way to avoid confrontations with
    men of this kind), I don't know how to get my point across without
    offending their fragile egos...
    
    Help!
    
    kc
    
    

    kc,
    
    First, I am not good at confrontations either.  My tendency is to
    go all icy, and speak through clenched teeth.  (I try to overcome
    this, but...)
    
    My suggestion is to read what Miss Manners has to say about speaking
    up politely among the unspeakably rude.  You should therefor go to
    your library, look up Judith Martin, and check out anything with a
    title that begins:  _Miss_Manners'_Guide_ .
    
    You'll enjoy them.  :-)
    
    							Ann B.