Conference turris::womannotes-v3

260.0. "Account from one survivor of sexual abuse" by COGITO::SULLIVAN (The Revolution will not be televised.) Fri Jul 27 1990 15:33

    This note is being posted for a member of our community who does not
    wish to be identified at this time.
    
    Justine

    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Hi folks.

    I've really been debating whether or not to write about this, but I've 
finally decided that I need to hear other people's ways of coping.  I'm sorry 
that I'm posting this anonymously, but I don't feel comfortable making what 
happened public beyond this.  I know one member of this community knows about 
this already.

    It happened over a month a go when I was working tending bar for a college 
reunion.  That's usually a good job to pick up around late spring when you're 
in the mood fro a little moonlighting.  Usually nothing much happens except 
picking up after people trying to relive college parties.  This seemed to be 
going like usual except for the second night.
    
    One person spent a lot of time around the bar and stayed there afterwards 
while I was cleaning up.  This was really late -- nearly 3 am before I was done 
and ready to leave.  This man, about in his mid-fifties, was still there, 
striking up conversation, smiling, giving approving looks.  To be honest, maybe 
I was too tired, but I either didn't think anything about that attention or 
dismissed any suspicions as "paranoid."  I talked back while I was working.  
Everything that he said and did seemed kind of fatherly.  He was about the 
right age to be my father.  I'm in my early twenties.

    Everything seemed fatherly until he followed me away from the reunion.  I 
thought that seemed odd, but it was really late and my mind just didn't make 
any connections until we were away from light.  It didn't last long, mainly 
because I jumped away the second I realized what was happening.  It wasn't long 
contact, but it was enough for him to get his hands on my rear and to start 
kissing my neck.  Like I said, I jumped back, and he raised his hands up and 
started to back away.  He wasn't very much larger than myself, and I realized 
as he was backing away that I was in a Tai Kwon Do stance.  I guess he decided 
that trying to force himself on me any more was going to hurt more than he 
wanted.  I walked backwards until I got back into streetlight, got home and 
locked all the doors, locked the door to my room and slept with the covers over 
my head.

    Not much actually was able to happen, but I haven't really stopped thinking 
about it since.  The next night, some poor person who wanted his drink 
refilled, tapped me on the shoulder and looked quite surprised as I nearly 
jumped through the roof.  Now I'm here, and even though I have thought that I 
had dealt with it, I really can't stop thinking about it.  It's even affected 
the way I deal with other people.  There's a guy in my group here who for my 
first week was very friendly and helpful in showing me how things worked over 
here, and for the life of me, every time he talked to me, I just wanted to run 
away and hide -- *too* friendly...too much like him...

    Maybe it's time to say that I'm a man.  It wasn't that my assailant was 
another man that has me so wired, but rather the fact that somebody, anybody, 
thought that they could do what he did.  This is my body, and I'll choose who 
gets to be intimate with it...somebody just proved to me that maybe that isn't 
true, that somebody can take that away from me, and I'm scared to death about 
it.
    
    My sister told me that I'd probably relive the whole situation over and 
over in different ways.  I've been doing that.  I've even written about, and 
tried to talk it out with other people that are close to me.  But no matter 
what happens, I keep thinking, what if he hadn't backed off?  What if, what if, 
what if?
    
    I wasn't brought up to be aware of that sort of thing, or maybe it's more 
that if you're a woman, harassment is more common so you end up with a 
heightened awareness of it.  I didn't see it coming.  I keep thinking that I 
should have.  I want to trust other people.  I don't want to assume the worst 
of someone who's maybe just trying to help.  But how can I know that's all?

    I feel angry.  I feel used.  I feel scared.  I don't want to feel this way 
anymore.  It's only been a month.  How long does this last?  How long would it 
have lasted if he hadn't backed off?

    I'm getting on with my life pretty well. I doubt that I'm "scarred for 
life," although I can never really look at things quite the same way again.  
I'd like to be able to get on with my life without thinking about this 
constantly.  I want to be able to have learnt from this and put it behind me. 

    Can I do that?

    Instant reply from someone who has *not* been there.
    
    1st - what you are feeling/experiencing is normal.
    
    2nd - contact EAP and get professional help.  This is what they are
    there for.  It is confidential and the initial discussion is free.  If
    they recommend someone else, insurance will probably cover it.  (I've 
    had a couple of occasions when I've used them.  Sometimes all I
    needed was the one session.  Universally, they have been helpful.)
    
    Best of luck to you.  May you refind your peace and joy.
    
    Alison

    You have gone through a traumatic experience that is rather common for
    women - I don't mean that a lot of women have experienced the same
    thing, but that almost all women have experienced this type of trespass
    on their bodies many times.  The feelings of guilt, hurt and fear are
    indeed difficult to overcome, and it sounds like you might need some
    professional assistance to work these feelings through.  If you are
    having problems working through this yourself, and especially if your 
    emotions are affecting normal relationships with others that could
    be part of a potential support system - get help.  While I don't think 
    that a  month is a very long time to be affected by such an incident, it 
    appears as if you do.  A good counsellor can help you work through 
    these emotional times.  I believe you should check with EAP for
    a counselling reference.
    
    
    -m

    what a drag.  i'm sorry.
    
    you appear traumatized.  trauma is a specific emotional reaction with
    specific symptoms and specific treatments.  what traumatizes one person
    does not necessarily traumatize another.  the most effective treatment
    is to talk and talk and talk and talk, RIGHT AWAY.  (ie. bore everybody
    around you by telling them what happened over and over - they won't be
    bored anyway, not if they care for you)
    
    what i've found in my life is that i recover best and fastest if i deal
    with it right away (same day, same month at worst).  once i waited
    several months before discussing, then over a year to see a shrink;
    took years (without shrink) before i noticed any permanent healing.
    the next time i was traumatized it took about 2 weeks to discover it
    and one session with a shrink before it was under control (ie. you
    don't have to sign your life away to counseling for it to do a lot of
    good).
    
    re: sensitivity levels and "paranoia" - i don't think even women become
    sensitized to their own personal danger until they or a loved one has
    lived through an incident, so DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP!!  you could not
    possibly have forseen that this individual had so little in common with
    the rest of the human race.
    
    if you're flashing stuff back and getting real jumpy, i'm afraid you'll just
    have to get used to it for a while.  i promise, it DOES go away, but it
    takes time, sometimes a lot of it.  i find it helped to get mad at the
    lousy society - helped prevent me from being so mad at myself.
    
    once again, my sympathies.     
    
    lee t

    What Lee said.
    
    Also, you may be dealing with (or failing to deal with?) some baggage
    around homosexuality that needs sorting out.  EAP, as others mentioned.
    
    all the best,
    Marge

How is the base noter doing?

Justine, if the base noter doesn't see this, will you contact him, please?

      Thanks,

        Carol