Conference turris::womannotes-v3

    Just completed a 4 week course on intimacy.
    
    One of the ongoing exercises is to write several lists of
    requests and exchange them weekly with your intimate.
    One such list includes "Caring Behaviors" and can be done
    in this format:
    
    I feel loved when you:
    1.
    2.
    3.
    4.
    5.
    
    I used to feel loved when you:
    1.
    2.
    3.
    4.
    5.
    
    I would feel loved if you would:
    1.
    2.
    3.
    4.
    5.
    
    The intimate gets to pick *which* behaviors to implement.  Any one
    of your requests filled or repeated each day is considered sufficient.
    There's no score keeping.  At the end of the week the requests that
    have been fulfilled are deleted and replaced with new ones.
    
    Contrived?  Yes, but it's a *whole lot better than guessing*!!
    
    RJC

    I've dated men who wanted to "mold" me to an image they had of what the
    ideal woman should be.  That's very different than what the base note
    describes.  I wouldn't expect any man to like or even accept everything
    about me.  For instance, if I were going to live with a man, it would
    not be unreasonable for him to expect me to be neater around the house.
    It would be unreasonable for him to expect to be able to tell me how I
    should and shouldn't dress, or think, or do my hair.......
    
    Quite frankly, I've found that men who need to play pygmalion are, as a
    rule, not good partnership material. 

    
        Athough there is no one special at this time,to whom I need
    to worry about,concernning changes.This is very true,love is based
    on changing or bettering yourself,to help make a relationship grow.

I don't know.There are so few things I absolutely, positively need from the man
I'm partnered with. Some have to do with co-habiting, some have to do with
monogamy (sex), and some have to do with maintaining one of my intimate
relationships. But many of my other needs I can satisfy myself, or spend time
with other initimates to satisfy. 
	Mez

    Of course, there's "molding and changing" and there's filing off
    the rough edges...
    
    						Ann B.

    
    Re -1
    
    But how do you tell the difference?
     
    I find it a really hard line to draw, and my view of how far I'm
    willing to be "moulded" varies according to my mood and the area
    concerned.
    F'rinstance - on a crabby day, I'll hit out at ANY suggestion no
    matter how small :-[
    
    But usually....
    Socialising time apart is up for compromise.
    As is time spent on hobbies.
    And I'll try new activities, and be willing to aquire new experiences
    in most areas.
    
    However, my personal living style - clothes, hairstyle, career
    priorities, time away from home for business or family, and my choice
    of friends and activities I undertake with them are non-negotiable.           
                                                   
    I have a suspicion that conflict arises when each partner has different
    areas that they are/are not willing to open to "moulding"....
    
    'gail
    

    re: .0 Judy,
    
        I think the difference between molding or changing a person and
    reaching a compromise is really a matter of the process used.  I think
    that a lot of the changing and molding that people try is done covertly
    and manipulatively.  I see a compromise as the process of sharing
    honest feelings and observations and reaching a solution.  I can see
    that what someone else might call molding, I'd refer to as making a
    compromise.
    
        I think that your comment about wanting to be together having an
    influence on how willing you are to compromise is quite accurate.  I
    think that as long as both partners are honest with each other, that
    the level of compromise won't exceed an acceptable level.
    
    Tony

    
    	re: .0  (am I the Judy you were referring to?)
    
    	There are always going to be things about my SO that I
    	don't particularly care for and vice versa.  Some of these
    	things can be 'changed' or we can come to a compromise about.
    	Others are just part of us.
    
    	When I said in the perfect man note that he loves me the way
    	I am, I meant me as a whole.  There are some things that I've
    	compromised a bit with him but he's never forced me to change
    	something I don't want to.  Men that I dated before him had
    	this 'image' of the perfect woman and wanted to mold me to that
    	image.  For example, I am a slender woman and I feel fairly
    	attractive.  Some men have taken advantage of that and assumed
    	that because I 'had the body' that I was going to use it the
    	way they wanted me to. (ie: sex)  They wanted me to do things
    	against my morals and better judgement which of course I refused.
    	Cary has never asked me to do something that didn't feel right
    	to me.  Nor have I forced him to do something that was against
    	his beliefs.
    
    	I think that in any relationship there has to be some bending,
    	some compromise but trying to mold someone into something or
    	someone they're not, isn't right.
    
    
    	JJ
    

    re .-1
    No i wasnt referring to you specifically,  it just happens that both
    our names are judy!!!  So in the base note i was just signing mu name!
    
    Regards JJ,  Jude

    This note really hits home for me, since I had two relationships
    end because I felt like my boyfriend was trying to change me to 
    much.
    I agree with reply .2. 
    I can make an effort to be neater , but I can not become a super
    orderly person, I have never been able to do this.
    I also do not like it when a boyfriend trys to change the way I dress,
    think. I start feeling like he wants someone else and not me.
    I think you have to compromise about somethings, but you also
    have to compromise about what you expect from someone.