Conference turris::womannotes-v3

From a book called "A women's History of Sex"...

3 frames, in each a woman (the sme woman?) and a different man...

2 people in a tub:
man: "Are you a Lesbian or something?"
woman: "I just don't like having sex in peanut butter!:

2 people on a couch, across from eachother:
man: "Are you a Lesbian or something?"
woman (thianking): "How do I tell him he makes my skin crawl without hurting
                    his feelings?"

2 people at a bar:
man: "Are you a Lesbian or something?"
woman: "Yep."


D!

    Are there any other humor notes?  I could have sworn there were others,
    but a title search only showed one note with "HUMOR" in the title in
    the V3 or the V2 (archived) conference.
    
    The keyword humor had no entries in V2 or V3), so I added this note to
    it.
    
    Jim
    

    Among many funny bits in Elayne Boosler's Showtime special, I
    particularly liked the suggestion that women presidential candidates
    offset the "wimp" or "up-tight" stereotype with the "biological cycle"
    stereotype:
    
    "You picked the wrong %#$*@ day of the month to take those #$%*&@
    hostages!!!"
    
    Ray

    re: -1
    
    	
    
    	HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
    	HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!
    
    

ROP (Regular Old Person) to WUF (Whining Unshaven Feminist): "So you're a 
feminist, huh? Say, do you guys [sic] really chew glass?"

WUF: "Only if it's



Sandwich glass.*   ;-} "

                    ^
                    |
              
         WUFW (Whining Unshaven Feminist Wink)



* a type of glass that used to be made in the town of Sandwich on Cape Cod.

    "Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage - they've
    experienced pain and bought jewelry."
    
    Rita Rudman

I know this may not belong here but this is funny!
    
    REK
    
    
    
Subj:	Today's sniglets: ACCOMMOMAMMADATION

ACCOMMOMAMMADATION, (a kom' oh mam' uh day' shun), n.
    The inconspicuous manner in which a woman adjusts a fallen bra strap.

    
    .9 - sounds more like a Mom who has an orgasm on a daily basis.

I'll probably get pounded for this, but anyway ...

What is the difference between a cornered pit bull and 'person' with PMS ?



not much

;^)

-BobE

    RE:  .10
    
    	Jewelry!
    
    	#:-)  Only kidding!
    
    

Just got this in the mail soooo I thought I would pass it on...

REK

      "The Kingsley Report

              On

   What Men Know About Women"


    *revisied edition


































    The End

    
    The latest Dress For Success tip:
    
    		Wear a white  pen*s.
    

    re: .13

    I think that sums it up nicely!! _So_ accurate, too!
    

    My friend Dottie reminded me of two bumberstickers that 
    always make me cackle.
    
    	If they can send a man to the moon, 
    	why can't the send them all there?
    
    	Men are only good for one thing. . .
    
    	. . .but who *really* needs to parallel park?
    
    Steve

    Another good one from Mom...
    
    One day at a meeting, there was a particulaly offensive man.  I am not
    sure exactly what he said, but some one got him.
    
    The idiot made the offensive remark, and another person said 
    
    "Gee Bill, you should really start to wear a hat, a really big hat."
    
    Bill said, " A hat, why..?"
    
    Person #2 said:
    
    "Because if you aren't careful, someone is going to roll a condom over
    your head!"
    
    I loved it!
    

    One afternoon a young lady went to see her doctor. During the
    examination, the doctor noticed the letter B imprinted on the girl's
    chest. When he asked why, the girl replied, "My boyfriend goes to
    Boston University and when we make love he likes to wear his university
    sweatshirt." 

    The next day, the doctor is examining another young lady. He notices
    that she has the letter S imprinted on her chest. When he asked why,
    the girl replied, "My boyfriend goes to Syracuse University and when we
    make love he likes to wear his university sweatshirt." 

    The following day, the doctor is examining yet another young lady.
    Right away he notices the letter M imprinted on the girl's chest.
    Without a question, the doctor says, "I know, you're boyfriend goes to
    Michigan and when you make love he likes to wear his university
    sweatshirt." The young lady replied..... 




    "Why no, but my girlfriend goes to Wellesley."

    
    Re -1
    
    Love it!! :-)
    Cackle, cackle......
    
    

Caution, rated 'R'

Cartoon reprinted in Maladicta, a professional journal of verbal agression:

Man and woman seated on a sofa; both properly dressed.  "Thought bubbles"
over their heads:

Man:	What a pair of tits.

Woman:	What a prick.

        
                       Why do [some] women fake orgasm?
        

        
                       Because [some] men fake foreplay!
        
        

    Why do men scratch their crotch?
    
    

    It gives them something to think about while they're talking.

    
    Why do so many men have problems parallel parking their cars ?
    
    
    
    Because they thinks that this:
    
     <------------------>
    
    
    is 8 inches.
    
    
    (my sister told me this one)
    Bart
    

    No, no, no, Bart.  You got it all wrong!
    
    Why do so many *women* have trouble parking their cars?
    
    Because they've been told that this (make "C"-shaped gesture with
    thumb and forefinger) is eight inches.
    
    						Ann B.

>    Why do so many *women* have trouble parking their cars?

And the version I heard is "Why do women make such terrible carpenters?"

"Cuz men keep telling them that this |---------------------| is 9 inches."

D!

    Re: 36.25: That's *feminist* humor??  Sounds like the S.O.S. (Same
    Old Stereotypes) to me.

    Saint Peter told three executives that they had to pass a little test
    to get into heaven.  "Spell God," he told the first.  The man did.  A
    second man got the same word and was also admitted.  The third, a
    woman, sighed:  "In life I had to work twice as hard for half pay, and
    now I'm being tested again.  O.K., what is it?"  Said Saint Peter,
    "Spell Czechoslovakia."
    
    Briana

Funny:

   I heard a similar joke about a Black person going to heaven. 
Except that the word he had to spell was Chrysanthimum.

   Now, I very likely spelled that wrong.

   I guess I'm not going into heaven either.

    ;-)
                                           -Robert Brown III
   

    Heard on "At the Improv" about a man giving a line to a woman on a date

    man : how about breakfast together tomorrow. Should I call you..or
    nudge you?

    woman: write me.

    A similar exchange, heard on the same (or a similar) program.
    
    He:  How about breakfast?  How do you like your eggs?
    
    She: Unfertilized.
    
    					andrew

    A man dies and goes to heaven. He searches out God to ask Him the
following questions about women;


        man: Lord, why did you make them so pretty?
	God: Why that's so you'll like them.

        man: O.K. - But their skin - why did you make it so soft?
                         and why did you make them smell so good?
	God: Why that's so you'll like them.

        man: Well O.K. - But their eyes - why did you make them so
                         alluring and inviting?
	God: Why that's so you'll like them.



        man: All right - But why did you make them SO DUMB?




	God: Why that's so THEY'LL LIKE YOU!

    
    
Article 1956 of rec.humor.funny:
Path: shlump.nac.dec.com!ryn.esg.dec.com!decvax.dec.com!mcnc!uvaarpa!haven!aplcen!uakari.primate.wisc.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!sdd.hp.com!decwrl!looking!watmath!maytag!oddjob!watserv1!looking!funny-request
From: [email protected] (Robert Mokry)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: God doesn't f*** with the universe.
Keywords: original, smirk, sexual
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: 8 Aug 90 23:30:07 GMT
Lines: 83
Approved: [email protected]

I am forever astonished by how many mistakes could be avoided if
people would just think about what they are saying.  This is
especially the case in religion.  An example of this is the assumption
that God is male.  Obviously God is a woman, because God doesn't have
a penis.  The proof of this is by omission: nowhere in the Bible is
there a reference to the "Divine Penis," and I am sure that if God
were a man He would talk about it somewhere.  No real man could go on
for hundreds of pages about himself without mentioning that thing once
or twice.

Upon remarking on the above observation, I was notified by someone
that he heard the oath "by the infinite dick of God" around Caltech,
though "semi-infinite" would be more precise.  Unfortunately, this
further muddles the issue.  I am thankful that the ancient theologians
did not realize this point, otherwise they would have wasted much time
in debating this actually nonexistent part of God.  I can see it all
now...

During the fall of Rome, St.Augustine referred to "God's mighty male
member, wider than the Coliseum, more powerful than Zeus's tool, able
to take Athena in a single bound."  Then in the middle ages, Thomas
Aquinas, in an attempt to reconcile St.Augustine's remark with the
rediscovered writings of Zeno, declared that the length of God's
immense organ must be semi-infinite.  But then Rene Descartes, after
spending a lifetime in philosophical thought, stated that since God is
greater than that which can be conceived, God's measureless
masculinity must be truly infinite, because an infinite length is much
longer (in fact, infinitely longer) than a semi-infinite length.
However, the followers of Aquinas immediatedly countered with a simple
argument: "If God's tree is infinite, then what holds it up?
Certainly one end of God's tremendous tree must be firmly rooted in
his loins."  Also, a minor philosopher (whose name I forget, but who
liked perfect islands) argued "If God's monument to life were infinite
then there must be a fig leaf whose extent is also infinite.  But then
there is something infinite that is not part of God, which contradicts
the assumption that God is the greatest.  The only solution is that
God's rod must be semi-infinite, so that He can hide it by turning His
back to the world and looking over His shoulder."  Since both sides
had such valid points, for a while the discussion reached a stalemate.
Then the great German philosopher Hegel attempted to reconcile the
issue with his sword-plowshare theory, where he proposed that the
infinite and semi-infinite are actually two manifestations of the same
thing.  Though it seemed impossible, Hegel claimed that God does
occasionally beat His infinite sword into a semi-infinite plowshare.
This theory gained great popularity, but it didn't really solve
anything primarily because no one could understand it.  Some time
afterwards, the rise of non-Euclidian geometry seemed to favor the
Cartesians when it showed that God's wondrous worm could be infinite
in this dimension, yet be attached to Him in a higher dimension.
However this solution was not totally satisfactory either, because
then there isn't a preferred direction to God's protrusion in this
dimension.  The answer to the debate had to wait till the beginning of
the 20th century, when Georg Cantor, attempting to cope with his
strict religious upbringing, proved that a semi-infinite member is
just as long as an infinite member; therefore God's member may be
semi-infinite and yet be no shorter than an infinite member.  Cantor's
colleagues ridiculed him by showing that his theorems also proved that
a finite real dimension is commensurable with an infinite one,
suggesting that anyone's piddling plow is just as long as God's
prodigious pecker.  This paradox was solved only with the advent of
quantum theory, which demonstrated that the real world corresponds to
the set of integers rather than the set of reals.  In that case
Cantor's theory showed that the finite phallus was infact infinitely
shorter than the infinite one, though the theory still retained the
property of the commensurability between the infinite and the
semi-infinite.  So today mathematicians agree that Cantor was correct,
finally and conclusively demolishing the central argument of the
Cartesian theory.

Thus we see that if St.Augustine had thought about the nature of God's
member, only after several centuries of the application of logic and
mathematics and physics would a definite answer be reached.  And even
then the answer would be wrong, because the very basis of the argument
is nonexistent.  For the reason described at the beginning of this
treatise, we the faithful know that by simply examining the Word of
God it is obvious that any discussion in this area is meaningless,
since God hath no member.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to [email protected]
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.  You think I have
time to hand-correct everybody's postings?


    

    Hmmmm I wonder, if a man put a joke slanted toward men the way some of
    these jokes slant toward women I wonder how long it would be before he
    got accused of sexism and drummed out of Womannotes?  It is refreshing
    to see jokes from women which are just as sexist as some of the jokes
    men tell.  "And they talk about US guys".   Jeff

[recieved in mail this morning...]

A friend sent me this, it comes from  a comic strip called "Eyebeam":

Woman: Why don't you ever see sunroofs on pickup trucks?

Man: Well, a truck cab sits higher up than a car, so the aerodynamics are
	more affected by fluctuations in surface area ...

W: I see.  Why do most people seem to dislike the phone company?

M: To depend on such a corporate intrusion into the home causes a
	psychological conflict with the instinct for, uh, habitat protection.

W: I was afraid of this ...

M: What?

W: You have the Male Answer Syndrome.

M: Oh no!  I must have caught it at the office ....  What do you mean, I have
	"Male Answer Syndrome?"

W: It's the compulsion to provide an answer to any question, even if it means
	resorting to pure speculation.

M: I knew that ....

W: It's a very widespread phenomenon.

Woman2: I wonder what causes it?

M: Cause?  Well, society has chosen male role models who always exhibit 
	total control ... if a male says "I don't know," he's admitting 
        to conversational helplessnes and failing to live up to that
	societal standard ....

W: Pretty pitiful, huh?

W2: And I always thought they learned it all in "Shop" ... Rod, do you know
	what "Male Answer Syndrome" is?

Rod: It's the principle that before you receive the answer to a letter, you
	wind up discussing everything in it over the phone.

W2: No ... the masculine inability to say "I don't know."  And I think you have
	it.

R: Oh, don't be ridiculous!

W2: OK, why do they put tags on pillows saying "do not remove under penalty of
	law?"

R: I don't have to answer that - I'm in control ....

W2: Oh.  I guess I was wrong.  Sorry.

R: ... So the government can search your home and easily determine whether you
	have criminal tendencies.

W2: You know Sally, every since you told me about "Male Answer Syndrome," I've
	seen it all around me.  Where did the term come from?

W: A guy came up with it.  I found it in this old column by David Stansbury.

W2: Imagine - a male having the astuteness to detect a trait like that in his
	own kind!  How does he do it?

W: Hey!  Let's call him and find out ... (on phone) Yes, hello?  I'm one of
	your readers, and I wanted to ask where your insights come from ...

Stansbury: Well, brain patterns, like water patterns, sometimes act in unison
	to create waves, which the conscious filters into ideas, which in turn
	are ...

W2: How sad.

W: I guess they've all got it ...

	The tla for this is MAS which perfectly matches - well some may
	know what.  

	Any way I really like Eyebeam - a friend of mine has a number of
	books with the strip in them.  It seems that the creator is from
	Texas (I think) and the strip is a regional thing (especially on
	college campuses).

	Now I have not noticed MAS in all of the men that I know, though
	there seems to be a tendancy to contract the syndrome when dealing
	with technical problems that aren't being solved.

	_peggy

� W2: Imagine - a male having the astuteness to detect a trait like that in his
�	own kind!  How does he do it?
    
    I can answer that.
    
    We men notice M.A.S. the same way everyone else does - by being misled
    by guys' answers all the time. 
    
    That's why we don't ask for directions, by the way.  I myself have
    misdirected so many people off to hours of fruitless wandering that I
    don't even trust cops anymore.  I just hope that most cartographers are
    women.
    
    "Hey, there's this embarrassing blank space on the map!"
    "Yo, just throw in an island or something..."
    
    Ray

    I forwarded this one to my husband this am before we even left for
    work this am..
    
    he agreed that there is a lot of truth in it.. :-)
    
    (the joys of both of us logging on in the am)
    
    Bonnie

�    It makes me sad that JOKEs so often are the most effective medium for
�    the expression of profundity.
    
    I find it amusing that serious monographs are the most effective medium
    for the expression of trivialities.
    

re: .38:
    It makes me sad that JOKEs so often are the most effective medium for
    the expression of profundity.
    
Hmm, didn't Freud write a whole book on this?

Martin

    
A man goes to his doctor for a checkup. He's with the doctor for 2 hours; a
very thorough going over. Finally, the doctor says he wants to talk to the
man's wife. "Fine, she's out in the waiting room." 

The doctor leaves the man and talks to the wife. "Your husband is a
workaholoic. If he doesn't take better care of himself, he's dead in 6
months. What *you* have to do is make sure he has three good meals a day.
Get up early, make him a good, well-balanced breakfast. Pack him a nice
lunch. In the evening, see that you've made a good wholesome dinner. He
needs this every day. Also, he's got a lot of stress. You should be making
love 3-4 times a week to help him relax. Even if he says he doesn't want
to, you gotta make him. Do what ever it takes, but remember, 3-4 times a
week." 

The couple leaves the office and the husband asks her what the doctor told her.
She says,



"You're gonna die."

    .....
    
    
     Then there was this guy who wanted to kill his wife, but was unsure of
    the best way of doing it, yet remaining undetected, so he discussed it
    with his mates and they decided that knowing the female of the species
    propensity for headaches, that to make love twice a night everynight
    would kill her in three months....
    
     a while later, the guy is sitting by the side of the tennis court with
    his mate. he is gray, haggard, unshaven, generally looking like he is
    on his last legs....The wife is playing tennis - whe is blooming with
    health, looking trim and generally on top of the world.
    
    "Hows the scheme coming along? You wife don't look too bad.."asks the
    mate.
    
    "Its going to plan..... - she don't realise she has only two
    months to live......"
    
    

    On BCN then have a woman who is apparantly supposed to be a parody of
    the (in)famous Andrew Dice Clay.  This morning she said...
    
    "So...my boyfriend complains that I never tell him when I have
    orgasms..."
    
    "I said 'How can I, when you're never there?'"
    
    D!

     >       Was it Andrea Dice Clay, from In Living Color?!
     
    I have no idea, I have never seen In Living Color.  I doubt it, I think
    it was just a local WBCN thing.  I didn't actually hear the clip
    myself, but had it relayed to me by my roommate while I was in the
    shower.  I almost drowned.
    
    I think she said something about "Fuzzy Dice", maybe that is the name
    of the comidienne/parody.
    
    D!

    One of the woman (whose name escapes me right now) on In Living
    Color did that parody of ADC; that's where the clip on BCN came
    from.  She also turned the tables on Sam Kennison (sp?).  She's
    really great, as are most of the folks on that show.
    
    LB

    re: -1
    
    It is the sister of Keenan Ivory Wayans...the producer, drector,
    writer, and all around force of the show....I'm not sure of her name
    either, but she, and the rest of the show is wonderful....sort of
    reminds me of when SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE first started, and was fresh,
    and new, and funny...and took social/conventional boundries, and threw
    them out the window!
    
    Jill
    

    Jill - Maybe we should move this to the rathole topic.  
    
    The woman who does the "gagful-comedian" parodies is the only white
    woman actress on the show, and I think the only woman (other than
    the Fly Girls) who isn't related to Keenan. 
    
    Linda 

    Thanks Ralph!  Now Linda and I don't have to move this to the Rathole
    topic!
    
    Jill
    

    Thanks Ralph - I knew there had to be other In Living Colorites
    out there!  

Attention humor fans :)

"Say It, Sister!" Boston, WMBR 88.1 FM (from MIT)
Feminist radio show. Wednesdays from 8 to 9 pm 

November 14th topoc:  Can Women REALLY Be Funny?

Announcement and typography from Sojourner newspaper.

  Meigs

Note to mods. Feel free to move, but it feels good here.

This is a humorous observation:

When I first came to work at DEC I was a resident at a DEC20 site 
on 15th street in Wash. DC. and worked the midnight to 8 shift. Interestingly
14th street was the red-lite district of DC. Every night when I came to work 
I would see this cloud of hookers "working". Well on holloween night there 
is/was some serious partying in DC. For some reason even at 1:00 the streets 
were full of coustumed folks and the coustume of choice for woman seemed to
be to dress up like hookers. Oddly on 14th street the hookers also got into
coustumes...they were dressed up as all sorts of things Vampires etc!

I guess one would have to have been there,

Fred Mudgett

    
    Two women were talking.  One of the women was talking about having 
    a sex change.  Months later, the women met once again.  The first 
    woman had gone through with the operation.
    
    "How painful of an operation was it?" the second woman asked.
    
    "Well," replied the first woman, "when they gave me the shot to 
    decrease my bust size, it stung a little.  When they attached the 
    male organs, it was uncomfortable.  But when they put that straw 
    inside my ear and sucked out half my brains, I REALLY GOT A BAD 
    HEADACHE!"
    

    Carla, you forgot the last line:
    
    "But when they almost doubled my salary, that made up for it."

    Old feminists never die...
    
    
    
    They just deliberate
    
    
    TGIF!!
    Dee

    Distant background:  In my family we have a rule that you can say
    ANYTHING, no matter how off-color, as long as it's FUNNY...  And you
    get extra "short-latency points" if you can think of it and get it out
    quickly.
    
    Immediate background:  A few weeks back I returned home from a business
    trip during which I had to work with a colleague who had shown the most
    unprofessional and unethical conduct towards women that I'd ever
    witnessed.  I won't even hint at all the things he did; suffice it to
    say that it took an hour of raving to my wife and 19-year-old daughter
    to "decompress."  I summarized by saying "This guy's problem is that he
    was thinking with his d!ck...  he acted so stupid that I'm surprised he
    didn't zip it off when he finished at the urinal!"
    
    *Instantly,* Mandy came back with 
    
    "Wow, that sounds like it would've been his SECOND lobotomy!!"
    
    Guess we're raising her right... :-)

	re: .62

	I wonder who taught star::stiles about the goddess????


	_peggy

		(-)
		 |
			If you wait long enough and its good
			enough it will turn up here.

Re: .63

I know!  (and I ain't tellin'!:-)

NewsFlash -

Scientists recently discovered a child born with both sexes!!

Yes ladies and gentleman, this child had both a brain and a penis.

Evolution in action.

grins,

clark :-)

A friend's husband used to teach high school history. Sometimes he'd give 
pop quizzes that he referred to as "little quizzies." But evidently they 
could be tougher than the name indicated. One day he passed one of these
out to the class. A girl in the back row, who was ordinarily shy, took a
look at the handout and said, 

"If this is one of your little quizzies, I'd like to see 



one of your big testies!"

D.

    
    Re -.1 
    
    Really? Gosh, sorry - it was new to me, and to several friends I told 
    it to. Perhaps we acknowledge a different deity?  ;-)
    
    D.
    

    
    How many white, privileged men does it take to change a lightbulb?
    
    One.
    
    One to hold the lightbulb while the whole world revolves around him.
    

    <coff, splutter> 
    
    Guess I shouldn't have read that after sipping my coffee...
    
    

    
    re:.72
    gee, i heard that about sopranos...
    

    ... Harvard students ... I coffed and spluttered and spit M&Ms too!

    ... VMS engineers.
    
    (: >,)

Me.

    
    	Heard this from a female feminist friend the other day and had to
    	laugh...
    
    		"A feminist man is a man who watches what he says when 
    		 women are around."
    
    	I thought it was funny, even though it's NOT true! :-) Men can be
    	as staunchly feminist as a women can... not just around women
    	either. But it was worth a good chuckle... :-)
    
    	-Erik

                "I'm not so smart; I take orders from a Pen|s!"
    
    Depending on the sex and sexual orientation of the wearer, this might
    or might not be "Feminist Humor" -- but it sure gave us a laugh last
    evening when we saw it...
    
    BTW there are some aMAZingly funny buttons on view at the Framingham MA
    store, some definitely feminist, some completely "stupid-supremacist,"
    some just plain sexual/raunchy, but most very, very funny...
    
    And no I'm not related to anyone who has any interest in Newbury Comix,
    we were just there for their CD sale...  
    
    and NOOoo!!, I *didn't* buy the above-cited button!  :-)  :-)

    
    
    G'day,
    
     Feminists read on at peril??
    
    
    
    How many men does it take to wallpaper a feminists bedroom?
    
    
    
    Depends how thinly they are sliced........
    
    
    

    Could this note please be moved to another string? I started a string
    for humor like this specifically so the "Feminist humor" string
    wouldn't be cluttered with non-feminist humor.
    
    Geez.
    
    

	This came in the email today ... a six year old's
        composition on "People".
        
        Dan
        
People are composed of girls and boys, also men and women.  Boys are no good
at all until they grow up and get married.  Men who don't get married are no
good either.  Boys are an awful bother.  They want everything they see except
soap.  My ma is a woman and my pa is a man.  A woman is a grown up girl with
children.  My pa is such a nice man that I think he must have been a girl when
he was a little boy.

    clearly written by a 6yrold girl with a pesty little brother.
    
    other than that it bothers me.  I don't like to see even kids put
    others down, and if this child has these deragatory opinions of males
    now, I have two questions:  where did she get them?  and why isn't
    someone gently educating her?
    
    If I'm wrong and it's a boy who wrote this, then oh my do we have a
    problem.
    
    Sara

    G'day,
    
    
     Re -.1,
     Ahhh C'marn!!!! Sara, Wasn't there a time when you didn't like boys? 
    
    
    
    
    :-)*lots
    
    
    All kids go through a " I don't like ..... phase"
    
    
    derek

I thought boy-hating was required of little girls to be allowed to grow
up to puberty.

D! who never went through a boy-hating phase but pretended she did so the other
   girls wouldn't tease her

<    If I'm wrong and it's a boy who wrote this, then oh my do we have a
<    problem.
    
When I first read it, I was sure it was written by a boy, and it disturbed
me greatly.  What a lousy self-esteem this boy will have, and if he is gay
("men who don't marry") then it will be even worse.  By the expression of
"boys want everything they see except for soap", it sounded like this was
all learned from Mom.  :-(

       Carol

    This is both an answer to Joe's request and a book recommendation.
    
    The book is "Women's Glib: A Collection of Women's Humor".  The book is
    utterly fantastic - despite the pink triangles on the front :-) it is
    pretty much an even mix of women's humor, straight and gay.  It
    includes such gems as a Jewish mother's recipe for Gefiltefish ("First,
    call your daughter three days before Passover...") and the one below
    about the Pope....
    
    
		What about the Pope?

The world population appears to be made up mostly of heterosexual people.
Pervasive as they are, we can't help but sometimes wonder about them.  What
*are* they?  *Who* are they?  And why do they choose the life they do?  These
are only a few of the mysteries that could begin to unbfold if only science
would allocate more researc hfunds to these neglected questions.  We can only
wait, and hope.

One thing I've noticed in particular about straight people - and I've known a
lot of them so I think I can talk - is that when they find out you're lesbian,
they inevitably ask, sooner or later, this famous question: "Why is it that so
*many* lesbians dress like men?"

This is the one they all ask, even the more intelligent or enlightened ones who
don't ask the usual list of other inane things.

Well, I have a question for you, Straight People.  What I want to know is
why is it that so *many* straightpeople are so utterly obsessed with this
dress-like-men question?  If it's so fascinating, why don't *you* dress like
men?

And anyway, what do you mean, "dress like men"?  Which men?  What about all the
women who dress like all the men who dress like Barbie?  Aren't they, then.
"dressing like men" too?  What about the Pope?  Is the Pope wearing a dress or
is he not?  Raise your hand if you have EVER seen the Pope wearing slacks.  And
look, he's a straight person.  At least, that's what he would have you believe,
what with all his trashing of gay people.  (The official stand of the Catholic
Church, for those of you who are not Pope-watchers, is that "It's *alright* to
be gay, but only if you're really sorry and promise never to act on your pervese
feelings.")

It isn't hard to understand, if you look at what the man is earing, why he feels
he has to go on and one about it, why he feel;s he has to go the extra mile to
make it *perfectly* *clear* that he's not gay.  Becayse though you and I know
that this is ONLY a STEREOTYPE, you have to realize that *most of the public*
thinks that if you're a man, and you wear a dress, especially an elaborate and
expensive, brocaded and embroidered *multi-layered* dress with fey little hat
and lots of accessories, it means you're gay.  (We don't even know anyone like
that, do we girls?)

Well, since he evidently hasn't heard, I'm hear to tell the Pope that the latest
information graduatelly seeping into public awareness is that - good news! -
(you'll be so releieved) it doesn't mean that you'r egay, it only means that
you're a transvestite.  And did you know, Mr. Pope, that *most* (87% according
to a poll by Field & Stream) of all transvestites are STRAIGHT?

Yes, it's true.  And a sself-appointed spokesgoddess for the lesbian community
on Catholocism, I want to say, Mr. Pope, that we all *know* you're a
transvestite, and it's O-KAY!  Really.  *we're not prejudiced*.  Some of our
best freinds are transvestites.

Why, all over the globe, husbands are secretly dressing up in their wives'
underwear and enjoying everyone minute of it. I'm not, however, implying that
the Pope does that.  We all know he doesn't have a wife, for one thing.  And for
another think I would never be so disrespectful as to speculate on what kind of
underwear he does wear.  It doesn't even matter to me.  I have other things to
think about, believe me.  Like what kind of underward *I* am going to wear
tomorrow, since I haven't done my laundry in twelve days.

And Mr. Pope, if you are gay, well we don't know that because that's your
private life and you choose not to be as public with that as you are with your
transvesticism.  At least if we don't count the fact that the entire world knows
that you're living with a lot of other men.  I for one don't sit around
wondering if the Pope has a boyfriend.

I just happen to think it's noteworhty that when it comes to the really
important things, like God and the Supreme Court, suddenly the boys get to wear
dresses.  That's all.

But as long as I'm talking about this, I might as well take the opportunity to
answer, for once and for all, the question that plagues so *many* straightpeople
- for the benefit of the 3.5 million of them who are probably reading this book.

Okay!  Here it is!  The moment of Truth you've all been waiting for!  The ANSWER
- to one of the Mysteries of the Universe!!

(drumroll)

Are you ready?

(drumroll...)

Here's the answer in a nutshell.

(picture of a nutshell, thinking:) "Who gives a sh*t?"

by Kate Gawf
(From "Women's Glib, a collection of women's humor")
    
    

    It is only practical to wear men's clothes.
    
    They are built to last forever, they are usually functional,
    comfortable, and hardly ever overly bright.
    
    Also- should you run out of blouses, the proclivity to wear
    men's sweaters comes in handy when your husband has not yet
    run out of his.
    
    ---------
    
    An answer.
    From a straight woman.
    
    Cindi

    From rec.humor.funny
     
    The U.S. Supreme Court appears to have upheld the practice of 
    administrators forbidding doctors from counseling abortion, forcing
    the doctors to follow a "script".  Following Supreme Court 
    precedent, we imagine the script might look something like
    this:
     
    " You have the right to remain pregnant.
      Anything I say may be used against me in a court of law.
      You have the right to be presented with offspring.
      If you do not desire a baby and cannot afford one,
        a baby will be mandated for you by the Court."
     
     

    Even my sense of humor lacks the calluses to find that amusing.

From today's Boston Globe:


		CARDINAL AVERS THAT GOD IS MASCULINE


	"A Father's Day sermon by Cardinal John O'Connor in which he
asserted the indisputable maleness of God has raised hackles, but more
chuckles, among feminists. 

	"In his sermon Sunday, Cardinal O'Connor said that the 'fatherhood' 
of God is indisputable and that feminist attempts to change God's gender 
were based on 'tragic misperceptions.'

	"We have no right to reconstruct it as we like or choose. We are 
not authorized to change 'Our Father' into 'Our Mother,' Cardinal O'Connor 
said at St. Patrick's Cathedral.

	"Melodie Bahan, president of the New York chapter of the National 
Organization for Women, responded, 'This is so bizarre, I had to laugh...It 
makes you wonder where he gets his information. Did he see God and was God 
a male?'..."

Maybe God flashed him...

(Personally, I believe God has a sense of humor, and is laughing right
along with us...)

	MKV

    
    - .1
    
    maybe She is!

    
    brittle humor..
    
    'we have no right to change "our Father" to "Our Mother"'...d'ya
    suppose he'd read (if we sent 'em) some of the archeological works that  
    demonstrate pretty irrefutably that most of the major rituals have their 
    roots in earlier religions, including Goddess worship?
    
    Jamd 

    
    27.27.... comments made by pro-lifers.
    
    To me, these statements are so outrageous they lampoon the pro-lifers'
    position.
    
    Sadly, though, they weren't meant as jokes.
    
        
    
    Jamd
    (mods, I looked for another place to put this; pls move elsewhere if
    appropriate)

    Q:  Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

    A:  Because, even then, men wouldn't stop and ask for directions.

    			Chain Letter for Women Only

       This letter started by a woman like yourself in the hopes of
    bringing relief to other tired and discontented women.

       Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.  Just
    send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally
    frustrated.  Then, bundle up you husband or boyfriend, send him to the
    woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add our name to
    the bottom of the list.

       When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,877
    men...............one of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better
    then the one you already have.

       Do not break this chain.  One woman broke the chain and got her own
    son-of-a-bitch back.  As of this writing, a friend of mine already
    received 164 men.  They buried her yesterday, but it took three
    undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face, and two days to get
    her legs together so they could close the coffin.

       Please hurry up and send this letter along so my name can move up
    fast.

    					The Liberated Woman

If men got pregnant..........

	Maternity leave would last two years.....with full pay.

	There'd be a cure for stretch marks.

	Natural childbirth would become obsolete

	Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health 
		problem.

	All methods of birth control would be improved to 100 percent 
		effectiveness.

	Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.

	Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

	They wouldn't think twins were *quite* so cute.

	Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10:00 p.m.

	Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.

	They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."

	Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.

	They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.

	Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an 
		entree.

	Women would rule the world.

    

    If men got pregnant and women didn't then the men would be women
    and the women men ;-)
    
    BJ

    "If men and women both got pregnant, and alternated birthing children,
    the maximum number of children in any household would be 3."
    
    
    
    

    No, no, no.  It's "If men and women both got pregnant, and alternated
    birthing children, the maximum number of children in any household
    would be three, if the woman went first, and two if the man went first."
    
    						Ann B.

    Well, gee Ann, that was certainly *implied*. I think it's funnier
    if you have to figure it out.
    
    

    Female Comedian:  Why do dogs lick their balls?
    
    Man in audience who had been heckling her all night:  Because they Can!
    
    Female Comedian:  No, because you were &%$#ing busy!
    
    

    Somewhat heavyset Female Comedian:
    
    "Pencil test? Pencil test?  I don't know about the rest
    of you women, but I could get a whole box of crayolas
    to stay!"
    
    

What do you call a hippopotamus who fakes orgasm?





a hippoclit.

    My sister's fiance gave me a copy of this poster that says the
    following...I guess I must appear stressed out when I come home from
    work at times...:-)
    
    NOTICE
    
    "The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has
    determined that the maximum sae load on my back is two (2) persons at
    one time--unless I install hand rails or safety straps.
    
    As you are the sixth in line to get o my back today, please take a
    number and wait your turn.
    
    Thank you."
    
    

    
    "If women can sleep their way to the top, how come there
     aren't any of us there?"
    
    - Ellen Goodman
    

    
    - .1
    
    insemnia?
    

    Q: Why are blonde jokes one liners?
    
    
    
    A: So men can understand them.
    
    :-)