Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    I remember my final divorce hearing - ten years ago now, although it
    doesn't seem like that much time has passed (except when I run into my
    ex someplace - he has lost ten year's worth of hair and then some!).
    
    Th hearing was about 30 miles from here, so two good friends were going
    to take the day off from work to go with me (I didn't have a lawyer -
    it was a no-fault divorce, and I was VERY broke at the time).  Barbara
    was sick that day, so Paul (who I married two years later - a real
    smart move on my part!!) drove me there.  I was real shaky.  One of the
    things that bothered me was that a lot of red-tape oriented things had
    changed since the divorce was filed many months earlier - for example,
    I had gotten a small raise (remember, this was ten years ago - DEC used
    to GIVE raises then...sigh...), and I had sold off some old furniture
    and stuff to come up with some cash.  The hearing itself was really
    pretty anticlimactic.  It was over so fast!  The only residual problem
    from it, which is still around, is that the title to MY house, which I
    had paid for out of my own money during my first marriage, never got
    redone to have my own name on it (I kept my name the second time around
    - should have done so the first time, too!) - I don't know how to fix
    that without paying a lawyer to refile the thing, and I get annoyed
    about it every six months when I get the property tax bill.  My divorce
    was real uncomplicated, since I had no children, and had paid my own
    cash for most of the few things I owned then, since my ex was not
    working (until right before he moved out); there wasn't a lot of room
    for arguing.
    
    I hope your hearing goes quickly and smoothly!
    
    
    /Charlotte

    The actual court appearance was pretty anti-climatic.  Fairly informal
    - me, my soon-to-be-ex, and our lawyers all got asked to come to
    the side of the judge's bench.  Quick question - did I understand
    the implications of not including clauses about some aspects of
    our son's custody (we did joint physical).  Yep, I sure did.  We
    both were sure this was how we wanted it?  Yep, we were.  OK, we'll
    send you the paperwork, you're now divorced.
    
    I had made arrangements to have lunch with my Mom afterwards.  We
    made it a celebration.  
    
    Hope it goes as well for you.
    
    Alison

    
    	My ex and I were in different states when our divorce was going
    	through, so we picked the state with the shortest waiting period.
    
    	So, while my divorce hearing was being held in Golden, Colorado, I 
    	was in Santa Clara, California taking apart a broken disk drive on 
    	a customer site.  When I finished fixing the drive, I went to a pay
    	phone and called the court (asking what happened.)
    
    	A woman said some things to me in legalese - I said, "Am I divorced?"
    	She said, "Yes, you are."  "Thanks."  End of story.
    
    	As for how I felt - it was relief, some sadness, and lots of thoughts
    	about the broken computer I was on my way to fix next.
    
    	It took some time before my feelings really settled down about it,
    	though (for a number of reasons.)

    My ex was the one who went to court. Even at the end she tried to cover
    it up by asking me to take care of the kids while she attended to some
    important business. I, of course, knew where she was going. I had never
    received anything from the court, so I didn't know what day it was going
    to be on. At that point it didn't matter anymore. She had been seeing
    someone else for over 2 years while we were still together. The only 
    thing I received was the agreement from her lawyer. I made a couple of 
    changes in it regarding the children's custody if one of us should die
    and sent it back. The next thing I knew, she gave me the papers, remarried
    30 days later, and her lawyer was paid with a free membership in her
    current husband's gym. (He owns it.) Her hiding it is nothing new. She
    had 2 abortions witout consulting me. In fact she lied about them. Said 
    she was having a D & C done. Anyway, my feelings afterwards were those
    of benign indifference and that is sad.
    
    
                                   Phil

    Minor rathole:
    
.4>                                                                       She
.4>    had 2 abortions witout consulting me. In fact she lied about them. Said 
.4>    she was having a D & C done.
    
    A D&C is an abortion.  D&C is an abbreviation for dilation (of the
    cervical canal) and curettage (scraping of the uterine wall).
    

    
    An abortion can be done by dilation and curettage, but that is not the 
    only reason for having one done.
    
    From "The New Our Bodies, Our Selves": 
    
    "A D and C is often used to find the cause of uterine bleeding or to
    treat it, especially in emergencies.  It is also used to diagnose 
    uterine fibroids, endometrial polyps, and uterine cancer.  In addition,
    it may be part of a diagnostic workup for cervical cancer.  It is often
    perfromed to prevent infection following an incomplete abortion or
    after delivery, if part of the placenta is left in the uterus." 
    
    CQ

    re: .7
    
    Sorry, I was a little careless with the wording of my previous reply.
    
    (That ought to teach me not to write technical notes when I should be
    asleep...)

    I'm sorry for not understanding what D & C meant. I was under the
    impression that it was a different procedure. I was trying to point
    out that she hadn't told me she was pregnant. The 1st one I am not sure
    about the who the father was, but for the 2nd one, it was physically
    impossible for me to have been the father. Either way, all though it
    was her choice and I respect that, it has helped to make me a pro-lifer.
    
    Not a violent one though. As long as the laws are as they are, I will
    support a woman's choice to have an abortion as her decision and a 
    legal one at that. Actually I guess I'm wishy-washy on that. I respect 
    a woman's right, but I love children so much that it hurts horribly to
    have them "erased" before they have a chance. Irrational in light of
    some of the conditions children have to grow up in I know, but I can't help 
    it.
    
    Phil(who knows that this should be in the abortion topic but just started
    rambling.)

My Ex and I have remained friends (though more distant now than in the years
right after our divorce). We went to court together and waited for other 
people to have their cases heard (that was tuff!). It seemed
liked forever before it was our turn.  Since we had no attn'ys (we had one
draw up our divorce agreement) it was over in minutes - after the judge
clarified whether I wanted to legally change my name back to my family name.
Sometimes I feel that if the divorce procedings had been more involved, it
would have been more significant and brought closure, and all it's implications,
to that part of my life.

I think we tried so hard to remain friendly that it took me a couple of
*years* before I actually felt what someone who does not shut their
emotions down feels - anger, fear, sadness, an empty hole no one else could
ever fill.  I would be driving into Boston to work and just start crying.

For me going to divorce court was anticlimatic, a technicality. It was like
being in shock, then breaking down later
on when the adrenalin wears off and you feel what your body protected you
from at the time.   
 
What I learned from this experience was to not shut down my feelings and
to deal with whatever is happening now, although it may be painful. 
I also learned that I had an identity other than as someone else's partner.
I'd dated Danny since high school, we married after college, and I had never
been on my own as an adult.
Although the lessons were hard, what I learn during that time has really 
helped me in my current relationship.

 I don't know what your relationship with your soon-to-be-ex is like, but
I'm willing to bet there will be a void in your life.  Be with as many
supportive people you can find.  If you are like I was (stuffing down 
feelings)- DON'T.  I'm convinced the sooner you deal with the feelings
the sooner you let go and move on.

I'll send you positive energy on Thursday !!

Linda