| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 1038.1 | Only if you want to | ENGLES::RSMITH | | Tue Mar 20 1990 07:44 | 32 |
|
First of all, if you don't want to get married, DONT! No matter what
the reason, I would guess that you're not ready.
However, if you're not sure and you're using career growth as an
excuse, then, at least in my situation, I don't think it's a valid
excuse. I am getting married in <5 weeks and I'm a software engineer.
I can't wait to get married so that I can spend more time on my career.
Right now, I'm absorbed in wedding plans. Before I moved in with Jon,
I don't believe I was as focused an individual. Being a social person,
I spent time getting to know people. It seems to me that in the early
stages of any relationship there is alot of time invested and alot of
these attempts at friendship fail. So that causes emotional upset too.
It's not that life now is perfect or that I ignore my fiance, but
things are more stable. I don't spend alot of energy worrying about
things I used to. I think, that stability and happiness in my life
makes me a better engineer. Of course, I'm lucky. Jon encourages my
career. He knows that if I'm happy at work that makes me a more
enjoyable person all around.
So, bottom line here is, I think that a supportive marriage can
actually help your career.
But, if you don't want to get married, dont listen to anyone. Maybe
this man is not for you, or maybe marriage is not for you. One
interesting question, can you think positively about growing old with
this man/person? I mean 95 years old and no teeth. Is he still your
friend?
Rachael
(I hope I've been of help)
|
| 1038.2 | 'What she said,' said he | RANGER::KALIKOW | Too many NOTES! (as in Amadeus:-) | Tue Mar 20 1990 07:49 | 29 |
| The basenote writer probably gets enough male opinion in her workplace,
and I *know* she wants to hear from women, but in hopes that as a human
I can help, I'd like to hazard a reply... My further qualifications
include a wife in the business world and two feminist, career-oriented
college-age daughters to whom I would unhesitatingly give the same
advice (though I don't think they'd need it). My response may appear
oversimplified but I'm trying to be as terse as the basenote.
To me, the impression that leapt out of her statement of the problem
was the lack of mention of Love. Call me a romantic, but if the
pressure to get married is coming from her parents and his, and not
from the people directly involved (other than the implied pressure of
their having maintained a commitment that has kept them together as a
dating couple for 10 years), then I'd advise against marriage.
To put it bluntly if they aren't crazy mad nuts about each other and
can't conceive (no pun intended:-) of life without each other,
succumbing to peer/parent pressure is IMHO a mistake.
I'd advise her to wait until she's in a relationship where she and he
KNOW that marriage won't hamper her career growth because she and he
had to have BOTH their careers and each other.
If I'm missing something because of my age or gender I'm sure I'll be
educated by further replies, but I hope this "sensitive human" response
is taken FWIW.
Cheers,
Dan(_who_didn't_see_FWO_in_the_title)
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| 1038.3 | | CLUSTA::KELTZ | You can't push a rope | Tue Mar 20 1990 09:58 | 11 |
| What I saw in the base note was "I don't want to" followed by a
search for sound, logical reasons. "I don't want to", or even
"I'm not at all sure I want to" is plenty of reason all by itself.
Listen to yourself. I went into marriage #1 with "I'm not sure this
is a good thing to do but I can't find a good enough reason not to."
I'm now in marriage #2, which started with "This scares the **** out
of me, but it feels like the right thing to do." It was, and is.
Logic can be overrated. Listen to your whole being.
Beth
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| 1038.4 | A bit more of the same | DECWET::DADDAMIO | Testing proves testing works | Tue Mar 20 1990 19:22 | 8 |
| I got married in grad school and both my husband and I have done
everything in our careers that we want. If you have support for your
career from your husband, being married isn't going to affect it.
So, get married if it feels right to you. Don't let anyone pressure
you into it - it's your life, do what's right for you. Good luck with
your decision.
Jan
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| 1038.5 | Asking opinions is in itself perhaps an answer? | SOFBA1::LIVINGSTONE | With a thousand stars all around | Tue Mar 20 1990 19:47 | 24 |
| I think you KNOW the answer...
If it is to please his/your parents, not because you and he love
each other and have a commitment to one another and common goals,
you are, IMO doomed...
I can only speak from personal experience, but in the beginning
everything will be wonderful, the two families will be very happy, but
then the loneliness will begin to creep in... between the two of you...
you will not be alone, but you will be....
It has to be for reasons the two of you have, not your families...
And again from personal experience, walking away from a marriage like
that is harder than if it was a decision between just the two of you,
because the whole family will be there working against any resolution
between the two of you divorcing.
I am lucky, he and I have remained on good terms, and have kept the
families out of it as much as possible... but given the opportunity to
do it over, I would wait for my true love...
My thoughts are with you...
linda
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| 1038.6 | | YUPPY::DAVIESA | Grail seeker | Wed Mar 21 1990 07:31 | 17 |
|
Can you talk to your boyfriend about this?
Does he know about your career limitation worries?
Or your view that he's simply doing what he sees his friends doing?
If not, why are you considering marriage to someone that you can't
share your concerns with?
A blunt question - but meant well. :-)
For me too the point that jumped out of your note was a lack of
the word "love".......
Hope you find happiness in whatever decision you make,
'gail
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| 1038.7 | | FSHQA1::AWASKOM | | Wed Mar 21 1990 09:42 | 21 |
| My best friend went through this, at your age, with a man she dated
for years. She was in grad school and just finishing up. Loved
the guy in some ways, but wasn't sure that marriage was the right
next step. They broke up, and several years later she met and married
a man who is *MUCH, MUCH* better for her. It can be tremendously
difficult to say no when there is a lot invested in a relationship
already, but it is often better to do the difficult when you know
it is right.
I would encourage you not to marry the guy unless you simply cannot
picture your life without him. Let your friends know when you break
up with him - you will probably need the same kinds of emotional
support that a divorce brings (my friend did). Make sure that both
of you have the same understanding of what marriage means, how it
will affect your expectations of each other, and what roles each
of you *should* play. Picture yourself at retirement both with
and without him. Then listen to that quiet little voice inside
you and respond to that rather than logic, because in the end, marriage
isn't a logical thing to undertake.
Alison
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| 1038.8 | Another thing to think about. | CSC32::K_KINNEY | | Wed Mar 21 1990 17:42 | 8 |
|
I agree with all of the previous notes whole heartedly.
Another thing to consider is that IF you do get married
for the reasons stated, AND your career doesn't go quite
the way you planned it, you are all set up to blame any
failure on the relationship (justifiably or not). Maybe
you won't but that is another thing to think about.
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