Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    I myself gave up my child for adoption just about 1 1/2 years ago.
    My parents were there with me for the signing of the papers, etc.
    They were supportive and loving, and never brought up the subject
    of the baby unless I brought it up first.  
    
    The agency that I went through provide counseling before and after
    the birth.  My parents also went through counseling at the agency.
    
    I don't remember what my parents said other than they believed in
    my decision and I could talk to them about anything and gave a "quiet"
    type of support.  They were there for me, but they didn't make a
    big thing out of it.  I was at college out of state when this all
    came about, and the last 2 months of the pregnancy, my father came
    and picked me up at school every Friday so I could go to the doctors
    and took me back every Monday, so I wouldn't miss too much work
    and I didn't have to be there for the weekends.
    
    The one thing that I would suggest is that you tell her that you
    love her and this event doesn't change the way you feel about her
    and that she can discuss this with you at any time, day or night.
    
    Let her cry and rant and rave if she wants to.  Also be prepared
    for "Why did I give up my baby?"  And be prepared for the depression.
    This will all leave her as she gets a little older.  I find myself
    a bit depressed about the time of his birthday.
    
    My counselor told me that dealing with giving a child up for adoption
    is the same as dealing with a death.  A person goes through the
    same emotions (or very similar ones) and blames themselves.  She
    loaned me a book on coping with loss.  I can't remember the name
    of it, but it helped.  It was more about death than adoption.  
    
    I talked to people who had gone through this and what it was like
    before I had the baby and through them I got support and strength
    and some close friends to help me deal after the baby was born.
    
    If your daughter doesn't want the pictures of the baby each month,
    the agency should be able to put them in her file until she does
    feel ready to see them.  I have a picture of my child at the hospital
    at 4 days old, so I could remember him, and the agency was sent
    one by the parents at 3 months.  I was asked if I wanted it before
    they gave me the picture and a letter from the parents telling me
    how he was.  I accepted it and was VERY happy for him to have been
    placed with such good people.
    
    I wish you and your daughter all the best.  I know that you will
    be there for her.  I didn't think my parents would be, but they
    were.  
    
    Regards,
    S.
                    
    

    I can relate to what your daughter is going through, I went though
    the same decision process 8 years ago. I was 19 when I found out
    I was pregnat and delivered a healthy baby boy when I was 20.
    
    	My parents kinda "hid me" pushed me towards the decision of
    adoption vs keeping the baby. I never considered abortion because
    I was already 4-4 1/2 month pregnant-they would've had to induce
    labor or that was how it was told to me.
    
    	During the pregnancy I was pretty happy. I had to reassure myself
    that I was doing the best thing for everybody involved. As the first
    year went by, the hardest times were the holidays, Mother's Day-
    knowing I had a given Taylor up, Taylor's Birthday and the date
    I signed his papers. Even today 8 years later these dates are still
    hard for me. I agree with the first reply, It is like a death. But
    in a death there is a end. in adoption there is no end, inside of
    you you know that child is still growing, living, smiling loving,
    but not with you. Which can at times bring tears to my eyes. At
    this time I just pray to God that he knows what is best, fo rme
    and Taylor.                                          
    
    How can you relate to your daughter that you still love her and
    nothing has changed! Don't treat her any differently, except be
    there when she wants to talk. And maybe show just a bit more love.
    Open your arms if she just feels like crying. Be a friend more than
    a mom. 
    
    	Your daughter is lucky to have a mom like you! I wish my mom
    was as open with me as you are with your daughter. 
    
    as for sending pictures... I wish I had pictures sent to me, as
    it is I have one that was taken from the hospital when Taylor was
    2 1/2 days old and people think we are the same baby!
    
    For more pls read note 166. It deals with the Adoption triangle,
    the feelings, problems, the expeirences, the joy and the madness.
    from all sides.
    
    	I feel for your daughter and your family, if it is of any comfort
    Pls know you are not walking alone but many have gone before you.
    and If you feel like the need to talk pls feel free to write me.
    
    Lise J. Kuhlmann
    
    Who_is_searching.

    My brother and his wife adopted a baby boy almost four years ago in a
    private adoption.  Each Christmas and birthday they send a picture of 
    Joel, along with a letter telling some details of his life, to the birth 
    Mom through the lawyer.  And for both of those events, Joel receives gifts 
    and letters from her and her parents.  The letters from the birth
    family are incredible expressions of love and sacrifice.  They make me 
    cry when I read them!
    
    Through an incredible fluke, Joel's birth Mother became aware of his
    family name.  She then contacted my brother and his wife (again
    through the lawyer) and asked for a meeting with Joel.  On Joel's
    third birthday, they got together in a public park.  My brother took
    pictures of Joel with his Mom and birth Mom in each hand. (They told
    Joel that this was someone who was a friend of theirs.  While he will
    know he is adopted, he doesn't understand the concept right now.)
    
    At the time, I thought this was not a wise move.  It has not turned out
    to be like I thought.  Instead, Joel has another family that loves him
    and is concerned about his welfare.  Instead of them wondering what he
    is like, and how he is treated, they know.  I don't know how often they
    will get together in the future, but I have to think that the birth
    Mother can feel a part of Joel's life and not be wondering about him in
    the way that she must have done before.
    
    I hope I am not being insenstive to anyone who is part of a family who 
    has given up a child.  I don't know how they must feel, but am
    projecting my own feelings on to this situation. 
    
    My best to your daughter and you.  What a wonderful parent you are to
    support her when she needs it the most.  Too many people turn away at
    that time.
    
    judy
    
    So, the answer to the pictures is to accept them, because at some point
    they may be the only concrete thing your daughter has left.  

    Be prepared when your daughter gives birth. My sister was all set
    to give my nephew up for adoption, but decided against it once she
    saw him. 
    	An emotional change of heart at that time is not all that unusual
    I think.
    
    Best wishes
    
    Steve

    My sister was pushed into giving up her daughter.  It still hurts
    her 35 years later.  She thought her parents knew best, but now
    she wishes she didn't give her daughter up.  It just doesn't fade
    away like a real death.
    
    I hope you can support her if she gets cold feet. (emotional support
    and maybe some financial)  It would be a mistake to push her into
    a decision that she doesn't make.  If she's on the fence, but going
    to go through with it, perhaps groundwork can be made with the lawyers
    and adoptive parents and even the agency to insure that either your
    daughter or her child will be able to get in touch if they wish.
    You/your daughter have some control now, you wont after the adoption.
    
    Also, in the note about the adoption triangle is a story about a
    mother who left a letter to her daughter saying she wanted to make
    contact.  Remember that.  But it would be best if something was
    done in the adoption contract to insure getting through with a message.
    Even a third party such as a lawyer who knows both and is known
    by both parents.  Maybe a letter to be delivered to the child at
    a certain date (eg 16th or 21st birthday) by the lawyer's firm.
    
    These are just some thoughts that I've had over time.  What would
    I do given lots of time to think about it?  I know I would want
    to contact my child or parents.
    
    Whatever you and your daughter do will be painful, so I am glad
    that you want to support her.  My prayers are with you.
    
    Bud