| I'm glad you put this note in. I've been wondering who else has heard
about Harville Hendrix and "Getting the Love You Want."
I don't watch TV much, but last winter I happened to catch Harville
Hendrix on one of the TV talk shows (I thought it was Phil Donahue but
maybe it was Oprah) and was rather impressed. I don't remember much
from the show now except that he talked about our unmet needs from
childhood and how we often pick mates with opposing needs. For example,
one couple who appeared on the show with him had problems because her
emotional needs had been neglected as a child and she was now a clingy
adult. He, on the other hand, had had parents who were overprotective
and suffocating, so he avoided getting too close in the relationship.
Together, they were like oil and water, but they loved each other. After
working with Harville Hendrix they were able to understand the reasons
for their own and each other's behavior, modify their behavior, and
live together more happily.
Shortly after seeing the TV program, I called B. Dalton (bookstore) in
Nashua to see if they had "Getting the Love You Want". They had some
copies left; the price was $17.95. Being loathe to spend that much on
a book whose value was questionable, I didn't rush right out to buy it.
On my next trip to the Nashua Public Library I checked the card catalog
to see if, by any remote chance, they might have a copy of the book.
They did, but it was out. It was also out on the next several trips I
made to the library. I could've put my name on the waiting list, but I'm
always reading something else when the book I want becomes available, so
didn't bother. Finally, I decided to break down and buy the book. Went
to B. Dalton; they didn't have any copies. Went to Paperback Booksmith;
they had one copy left, at $18.95. I bought it. I figured if it can help
me change my behavior and improve relationships, then $19 is a fantastic
bargain. Besides, for what it was worth, it seemed that a lot of other
people thought the book was worth reading.
I'm about halfway through the book now, but I haven't done any reading
in the past month so the details have become a little fuzzy. (After I
reread this book, my next project is going to be improving my memory.
:-) ) In the book, the author goes into more detail about what he
discussed and demonstrated on TV. I can identify with a lot of it, and
I think it will be helpful. There are some things I don't agree with
100%, but on the whole it makes a lot of sense to me. I recommend
reading it -- if you can get a copy!
Linda Gogolin
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| Marcia:
I saw all 3 shows that Oprah did with Harville Hendrix: the first one
in which he talked about his ideas, and the second two in which very
brave people let their weekend couples workshop be filmed. Oprah said
that the latter two were the most important shows she had ever done.
I have a copy of the last two shows and have recommended them very
highly to several people, but I find that friends who have marriages
that they are very unhappy with, and who claim to want close and
intimate marriages, are afraid to even look at the tape and to consider
his ideas.
What I remember of his ideas:
That the *first* job of any marriage is to help our mates recover from
the pain of the past. Until this job is done, intimacy, in any sense
other than pretend, is not possible.
He would guarantee that if something your mate does hurts
you, especially if it hurts alot, this is not the first
time that you have been hurt in EXACTLY THIS WAY. I
remember, on the shows, when people would be telling
their mates exactly how they were being hurt, Harville
would have them say "and this is just how my parents made
me feel."
He would say that we chose the mates we do especially to help us
recover, and this is especially true if there is "instant attraction"
or "love at first sight."
It's my opinion that the closer we get to intimacy, the more we feel
the pain of how we were ignored, put down, not allowed to love, from
our early years. [As an aside, a co-counseling teacher taught me once,
in an unforgetable way, that the pain of not being allowed to love is
as great as the pain of not being loved].
Harville says that the process of helping one's mate recover (and both
the program and his book gives tools for this process), has another
interesting effect:
The *very* thing that one partner may need, is the *very*
thing the other partner has the most trouble giving. If,
out of love for the marriage, this thing is given, *both*
partners heal. An example from the show (perhaps the one
.1 had in mind): A woman whose parents just "went away"
or "faded away" whenever there was conflict with her, had
a husband who stormed out of the house during conflict,
saying something to indicate he might not be back. In his
early years he had felt controlled and smothered. She needed
him to either stay and work out the conflict, or to say he had
to leave but would be back in such a way that he indicated a
loyalty to the marriage. If he was able to do this for her
(and their marriage), he had to give up some of his own fear
and anger about being controlled.
There were several couples on the show who had considered their
marriages to be irretrievably broken, but by the end of the show (they
came back in about 8 weeks to give an update), they either considered
their marriages to be fine, or at any rate expressed hope. One man
said that he had learned that he had to solve his childhood issues, and
he could do this either with his wife, or with the next wife, but it
was clear to him that he couldn't avoid it.
Briana
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