Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    The following additional topics may have more information, too...
    
    womannotes-v2 (here)
    560 - mid-life crisis: recovery!
    
    womannotes-v1
    789 - mid-life crisis:  where from here?
    
    human_relations
    69 - mid-life crisis
    
    mennotes
    120 - mens mid-life crisis - fact or fiction?
    
    -Jody
    

    I think mid-life is generally attributed to the 40's rather than the
    30's...although I'm no expert.  I'd suspect, based on your description,
    that you're undergoing stress/burnout, also no expert.  I'd talk to
    one...try your local EAP, Employee Assistance Program.  They're very
    good.
    
    be well,
    Marge

    
    Hi.  I am certainly no expert either.  However, I can relate to
    some of the feelings you're going through.  You sound definitely
    stressed out/burnt out of the same old routine.  I wouldn't say
    that you're going thru mid-life crisis yet.  I have experienced
    the same "what am I doing here", "what am I accomplishing", "where
    is my relationship going" feelings and I am only 28.
    
    8 years living with your boyfriend is a LONG time I think - without
    some serious commitments.  I have lived with mine for almost 4.
    It's like at some point you need to go for it - if you know what
    I mean.
    
    It is also VERY hard to accept or deal with change.  Your new boss
    being THRUST upon you as you put it - doesn't sound like it makes
    you very happy.  I believe that being with Digital right now, thru
    all these tremendous changes and turbulent times can cause for a
    lot of stress also.  
    
    My only suggestions might be as the previous noters noted - to talk
    with someone about this (it's very healthy!), and find something
    to incorporate into your life right now that you would really enjoy
    and that would stimulate you and make you happy (not sex with a
    married man - this will give you a headache). For instance, a class,
    a new language, photography, art, music, singing, acting, modeling,
    volunteering, etc.  Work is not the end-all to end-all.  I would
    talk with your boyfriend - tell him your bored with him - and ask
    him how he's feeling about you and where you're going.  Do different
    things with him - take a romantic vacation if you can.  Don't walk
    out without out assessing it.  
    
    HEY - remember, this is only what I would do and have done, so I
    know everyone is different and ONLY you know what's best for you.
    Be true to yourself - that's key.
    
    I wish you all the best - and am sure you'll be terrific once you
    attack this!!  
    
    

    The midlife crisis of the 40's is the most publicized of the adult
    growth stages, but it's not the only one.  Many people go through
    a similar crisis in their late twenties or early thirties, as
    they've settled into their jobs, realized they're compentent
    adults, and start to think about something beyond earning a living
    and finding a mate.  The old rules and values don't seem to apply
    any more, and you don't know what the new ones are going to be
    yet.  
    
    I came out of this crisis not too long ago . . . it was painful.
    Perhaps the worst part of it was trying to reconcile the deep
    changes I felt I needed with the desire to keep the good things I
    already have.  For example, I'd like to live in a garrett in Paris
    (well, Blois) and write novels while seated at a bistro table, but
    it's not worth trading in my marriage for it.  So I've worked out
    ways to work the writing time into my present life -- it's not as
    romantic as Paris, but it's just as real.
    
    It required a lot of talking with my husband.  If you want to keep
    the relationship you've got, you'll need to talk to him about the
    changes you're going through.
    
    --bonnie

    A while ago, a friend of mine who is a couple of months older than I am
    informed me that we must now be "middle-aged": I had just turned
    thirty.  I told her to come back and tell it to me when I am sixty,
    since I figure I'm good for at least 120 or so!   This was more than 6
    years ago now.
    
    Back to the original question... You sound like someone I know; maybe
    you even are someone I know.  Anyhow, the feeling is familiar enough. I
    think the downturn in your job is what is really bothering you - you
    certainly make it sound like the new management was not a good change
    for you, and maybe for the whole group you work in.  It isn't the
    greatest time to try to change positions within DEC of course, but I
    think it sounds like you need to find a new career path for yourself,
    so that instead of dreading going to work, you look forward to all the
    interesting and challenging things you can contribute during a work
    day.  We all spend so much time and emotional energy on our daily work
    that when that goes sour, it ruins our whole outlook on life -- well,
    maybe, except for the person who has a real all-consuming hobby or
    other vision and just works in order to make enough money to live on (I
    am thinking of a software engineer who was really musician at heart,
    and another who produces really first-rate pottery in his home kiln).
    
    What if you decided to stick your neck out and COMPLETELY change
    fields? Would your boyfriend be supportive of a complete change?  For
    example, decide you want to breed show-quality cats, or paint, or be a
    free-lance writer or photographer, or open a bed&breakfast inn? I mean,
    whatever makes you feel excited and confident about the future!  Your
    note sounds like you are feeling unexcited, kind of drained, tired,
    bored.  You need to discover what will rekindkle your natural
    enthusiasm.
    
    Do keep us posted; this notesfile represents a surprisingly caring
    community.
    
    /Charlotte

    I can't offer any more constructive advice than has already been
    offered - EAP, talk with SO, etc.  But, I do sympathize and relate
    to your situation.  In many ways, the year I turned 30 was the craziest
    of my life.  (I certainly *did* some of the craziest things I've
    ever done.)  It seemed that a lot of changes happened all at once
    to me.  The year I turned 30 my daughter started kinergarten (only
    child), I had been married for seven years, and although we had
    originally been very happy and in love, it really started to go
    down hill.  We fought a lot, and I began to feel bored and
    dissatisfied.  I had what I had always wanted (husband, house, and
    daughter, and 4 cats) but I was bored.  (It sounds so shallow to
    me now, but at the time I couldn't seem to control it.)  I started
    going out a lot friends my husband didn't know, and going to parties,
    etc., without him.  I developed a huge crush on a 23 yr. old co-worker
    and spent half my time for 6 months hanging around him talking to him.
     (I should probably thank God that sometimes Personnel is
    understanding of troubled employees.)  I got more attention from
    men that year than I ever had before in my life.  I looked young
    for my age.  When I was 30 most people thought I was in my early
    20's, and I guess I was actually better looking at 30 than I had
    been when I was a teenager.  My life got a little crazy for awhile
    and maybe it was some sort of mid-life, turning 30 crisis.  So,
    at least you know you're not alone with feeling bored, and unsatisfied
    with your life at turning 30.  Good luck.
    
    Now I'm on the point of turning 40 so I get to see what that brings.
    
    Lorna
      
    

    
    Thirty was a tough year for me - in fact turning 40 last week was a
    peice of cake in comparison. (In spite of the fact that SO of 10 months
    picked the night before my birthday to end the relationship.  But
    that's another story.)
    
    I think that 30 was hard for me because there were so many things
    that I thought that I should have accomplished before that age and
    hadn't.  But I think that the biggest problem was that I didn't feel
    like I was in control of my life.  Your note suggests to me that you
    might be feeling a little of that yourself.  I restate the previous
    suggestions that you get some counseling and I've found the EAP folks
    to be terrific both for the initial counseling and as a resource for 
    recommendations if more in depth work in needed.

    I'm not yet 30 and I've been feeling like I haven't been accomplishing
    enough with my life.  I say to myself "I've been on this earth this
    long, and what have I got to show for it?  How many mountains have
    I moved?  What have I REALLY accomplished?  What is different for
    my having been here - honestly?"  And at first I thought "nothing",
    and then I looked a little closer.
    
    I've made minute changes to the universe.  Most of them are
    interpersonal - it's hard to affect the grand design with the simple
    threads that are my life.  But I weave, nonetheless.  The big change
    came when I realized that the RESULTS are not what life is necessarily
    all about....the ADVENTURE that brings them is!  I have to learn
    to be happy on the way, during the ride, that gets me to my goals.
    I have to receive small pleasures and small accomplishments with
    joy, and satisfaction. 
    
    A few short months ago, I was feeling pointless, aimless, "where
    do I go from here?" - very much like a beetle in a box.....but now
    I am working on smaller things, and maybe someday they'll add up
    to a bigger thing.  I simply have to learn to stop and smell the
    flowers, and realize the smaller things are what counts sometimes.
    And when I start to feel overwhelmed by life - I do things one step
    at a time.
    
    Also, when it comes to big-change decisions.....it's very true that
    making a decision is hard, and there's no way of knowing if it was
    "the right one".  But often making a decision is far better than
    staying with what you have and letting the decision be made for
    you, and "if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice",
    as Rush put it....
    
    I also support the option of counseling - even just someone who
    helps you think your situation through......
    
    warmth,
    
    -Jody
    

    To go along with what Jody said (which was great), I'll add something
    a friend said to me:
    
    "Learn to enjoy the passage of time."
    
    Gregg

    	This past year, I've felt like I've been going through a crisis
    	of sorts (the "where is my life going, what do I want to do in
    	the future" kind of thing.)
    
    	Part of it was probably the fact that I've always moved around
    	a lot in my life -- home to home, job to job, and state to state.
    	I've always kept things moving and changing.
    
    	Now, I've been with Digital for almost 8 years (4 of which have
    	been spent in the same group.)  I'd lived in the same house for
    	several years, and aside from having had three promotions in the
    	last four years (and having gone to and passed one technical 
    	Review Board two years ago,) there wasn't much change in my life.
    	
    	There was a new relationship in the picture, but somehow, it didn't
    	make that much of a change in my life either.  It was something
    	*good* that was added, of course, but it fell within the frame-
    	work of the life that was already happening (and although it
    	was a *help* to my mood, I still felt like I was in a rut.)
    
    	So...  I took stock, and made some changes.
    
    	Now, I'm still in the same group at Digital, but my schedule (and
    	the faces I see every day) have undergone a drastic change.  I'm
    	on a three-day work week now (I work 3 12-hour days,) and I have
    	4 consecutive days off every week.  It is *great*!
    
    	The people I work with are exceptionally intelligent, hard-working 
    	folks who are also the most humorous and liveliest bunch of people 
    	I've ever seen collected in one workplace.
    
    	My son and I also moved from a house to a huge apartment (which is
    	really different for us.)  He is so much more like a roommate than
    	a kid these days, that we've been setting up our new place more
    	like friends than like Mom-and-kid (which means that I'm much more
    	flexible about setting it up the way *he* wants to than I used to be.)
    
    	I've also gone back to college to finish work on a second Bachelor's 
    	degree as part of the preparation for starting on my Masters Degree 
    	in the Fall of 1990.
    
    	Notes has kinda slipped way into the background (due to all these
    	uplifting new changes in my life, especially the time crunch because
    	of being back in college,) and I'm told that my mood around here has
    	visibly relaxed.  I think of it as a positive change in perspective.
    
    	I know there are people who thrive on "sameness" (security?) year
    	after year, but I guess I'm one of those people who *needs* change
    	to keep things interesting for myself.
    
    	Right now, I feel happier and more alive than I've felt in at least
    	5 years!  I *love* how things are going in my family/personal_life,
    	and I *love* working a 3 day week, and I *love* being back in college
    	(with not one, but TWO additional degrees in the works over the next
    	three and a half years!)  
    
    	I'm also re-capturing my music (piano) and am re-learning French,
    	just for some added intellectual stimulation and personal pleasure.
    	(And I *love* these things, too!)  :-)
    
    	After my school is finished, there will be some other possible changes
    	coming up, and I can't wait to see how things develop in the meantime!
    	
    	Life can be an interesting process!