Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    I had the same problem but with a different person my boyfriends
    kids. When I would go out with him and his kids they would go home
    to their mom (his ex) and said I did this or that. 
      It really put me in a spot because if the parents sided with me
    they'd said oh you never believe us kids and if they sided with
    the kids, the kids would next time tell me I don't have to listen
    to you.
      It was finally settled that unless if they disagree with anything
    while they are with us they are to discuss it with us that day before
    they leave or their mother won't listen to them. 
      This took 1 year to get to this agreement. between 3 kids and
    3 adults it took awhile.
       
      For your situation Do you pose a threat in anyway to the exsisting
    relationship t these so-called friends, does he not spend as much
    time, 
      Do they treat their other friends in the same matter. 
    I'd say you have already explained your problem to your boyfriend,
    that 
    a0 you don't feel comfortable around these friends of his,
    b) you rather not be around them
    c) yu rather not talk to them
    d) now carry it out and GENTLY explain to the male ego that you
    don't mean to be cruel but you feel likee it is the only way he
    can have the friendship and not fel pressured to constantly 
    correct situations. and You still feel the same way about him as
    you do now.
    
    Lise

    Ignore them.  If your boyfriend cares/loves you, he won't give a
    d*mn what they say.
    
    If you've told your sweetheart what they say isn't true, then he
    must trust you.  If he can't trust you, then is the relationship
    worth it?
    
    Tammi
    

    Re: .0
    
    >I get angry with my boyfriend I would be wrong, It's not his fault
    >this is going on
    
    I think it is, in part, his fault because he's continuing the
    friendship.  Obviously, it's a difficult position for him.  However,
    they're his friends and he needs to deal with the matter.  He can
    choose to accept the situation, which doesn't say much for his respect
    and/or consideration for you, or he can decide their behavior is
    unacceptable and refuse to put up with it.
    
    As far as how you can cope, keep the lines of communication open and
    make sure you can talk out any possible misunderstandings.

    RE:1,2,3
    
       I understand what all of you are saying, but they have been friends
    for years and I know that if something like this ever happend between
    my friends it would be difficult.  I am not sayin that what is going on
    is right, but it's really difficult. We don't let it affect our
    relationship in any way, we trust each other very much, and we both
    know what these two people are like.  It is mostly the matter of I
    don't know how much more I can take without blowing my top, and not
    making him feel as though I am doing this to break up a friendship,
    when in all reality, the other two are doing it

    What kind of friends would purposely lie with the intent of hurting
    their so-called friend.  I have to agree with .3.  I think that your
    boyfriend should handle this problem immediately.  I feel that his
    actions in this situation could be a reflection of his feelings about
    you.
    
    If I were in the same situation (and I have been -- my *best friend*
    had feelings for my SO and for months caused many problems for us.  It
    took us months to find out that she was actually behind all of the
    rumours that were surrounding us.  When I found out, you had better
    believe she was one sorry lady.  The relationship was finished! No ifs
    ands or buts.) my first concern would be my SO.  And I would expect
    him to be more concerned about me and my feelings, than his friends.
    
    True friends do not try to hurt one another.
    
    shirley

Random thoughts:

Let him go out alone with his friend. If you don't enjoy, don't do it (except
maybe those once-a-year extra-special occasions).

Have you talked to each of them separately (friend and his girlfriend)? And
together? Maybe all combinations of the three? Interactions are so difficult
when multiple people are involved.

Blow your friggin' stack Barbara! (this one comes from the heart.) It'll be ok
when it's over. If you want to make sure, tell your boyfriend you're going to
get angry, and that he still better care for you when it's over, and that
you'll care of him, and then do it! Consider large nerf items to hit things
with.

If you're worried about him thinking something wierd, like you're trying to
break of the friendship, get through that one separately by telling him you're
not.

Find all the behaviors of yours that make things worse, and consider what to do
about them. Of course you shouldn't change anything you like, and of course
it's not all your fault, but the only person you can control is you. 

Find some behaviors that make it better and practice them (unless they're
against your personal integrity, of course). A compliment here and there? Doing
something they want to do for a change?

Take care of yourself first.
	Mez

    One way to take care of this may be to ask your boyfriend to NOT
    discuss you with his friend.  
    
    I used to have some problems with my boyfriend and his best friend who
    is also a very very good friend of mine.   He used to stick his nose in
    the midst of our business and muddy the waters more.  He didn't lie,
    just added enormous amounts of advice, opinions and peer pressure.  My
    boyfriend and I discussed the extra burden our mutual friend was
    contributing, and we decided to have a "news blackout."   The results
    were quite pleasant.  And we are all still friends today.  
    

    With friends like that, who needs enemies?

    
    I think you all are looking at this from only one view.  I wrote into
    this conference to ask for help not for all these negative commments I
    am getting back. What would all of you do if the shoe was on the other
    foot?  I am almost positive you would all find it a very difficult
    situation, and anyone who writes and says they wouldn't have any
    problem, then you wouldn't be human.  I want to know what I can do to
    stop this, not hear what I have been hearing, about how my boyfriend
    would do this or that if he cared, he does care very much about me and
    his friend, despite what the friend says, two wrongs don't make a
    right!

Um; which position would you like me to take? I'm confused. If it's the
friends, I haven't really heard enough about them to 'identify' (like, I don't
knowinly lie). 
	Mez

    
    I am not trying to snap at anyone, I just keep getting some comments
    which are just not necessary.  I really hate his friend for hurting
    him the way he is, but I also understand that if it was my friend I
    would be confused, he doesn't think what his friend is doing is right,
    and he spoke up to him AGAIN recently and his friend just says he is
    just watching out for him,they are really weird people, I just don't
    know!  Should I grin and bear it, or should I ignore them whenever they
    are around?  Should I put this all behind me and wait for it to happend
    again and try to do something later!

    re: .9
    
    � I think you all are looking at this from only one view.  I wrote into
    � this conference to ask for help not for all these negative commments I
    � am getting back. . .I want to know what I can do to stop this, not 
    � hear what I have been hearing, 
    
    I sympathise with your request for help, but can you understand
    that when you start out by saying (in .0):
    
    � O.K. I think the women would relate to this note better than the men,
    � but all comments are welcome!!!!!  
    
    that people will react with exactly that - their comments based
    on their experiences.  If all comments aren't really what you're
    looking for, perhaps it'd help to be a little more specific.  And
    I'd add a caution that if you're looking for "the" solution to make 
    everything be fine again, you may be asking for something that 
    doesn't exist.  Sometimes the solution to a personal problem involves
    painful choices.
    
    In terms of solving your problem, it's a little hard to offer 
    ideas without knowing a little more about the situation.  One thing
    I'd like to know is whether or not you've discussed this with all
    parties present?  Offhand, I'd say that one approach would be to
    sit as a group and state that you feel you're being lied about,
    it hurts, and you want it to stop.  If the "friends" won't stop,
    then you have to decide whether you want to be in their company.
    You will also have to decide whether you can live with your boyfriend
    continuing to spend time with them.  
    
    Ultimately, you can't control the actions of the others involved 
    in this situation; you can let them know how you feel and what 
    consequences their behavior will have on your relationship with
    them.  After that, the ball's in their court.
    
    Steve
    

    I had a friend (my best at that time) and his girlfriend was cheating
    on him big time. I tried to tell him nicely to no evail. Finally
    my girlriend (her best friend and now my wife) got my friend and
    just the 2 of us and explained it in no uncertain terms to him.
    He was hurt and our friendship was never quite the same after. But
    he had the right to know what she was doing.
    
    If your boy friend doesn't believe you, get a 3rd party to be in
    on one of the conversations, or tape one of them and play it back
    for him.
    
    It is very hard with good friends. I have some who do not get along
    well with my wife, and she has some that I don't get along with
    well, but we both allow each other these friends and let each other
    have time alone with them
    
    Friendships change a lot over time, and doing things seperately
    will make the changes occur even faster.
    
    Above all, make your time with your boy friend better than his time
    with them. He will soon notice the difference.
    
    Steve

    re.0+
    
    Rick has a friend or two that turn my stomach. I have told him that I
    have no interest in being around these people.  He accepts that.  One
    of them particularly has had a few choice words to say about me [over
    the past 16 years].  Rick usually tells the guy to leave him [Rick] out
    of it.
    
    It is beyond weird to me that my beautiful husband's closest friend is
    a guy who slept around on his dying wife [I'm not making this up] and
    uses women with all the casual disregard of someone spitting out
    chewing gum [did I mention that I don't like him very much?].
    However, it's true. He and Rick have been friends for more than twenty
    years now.  Rick loves him.
    
    Go figure!
    
    On rare occasions I have to see this guy...like when he got married
    again, f'rinstance.  I think we both behave rather well, we both love
    Rick.  I know that he thinks I'm the most unfeminine emasculating woman
    in the universe.  He knows that I think he's slime.  We both know that
    Rick values both of us and that by forcing a choice we would both lose.
    
    In the end it doesn't really matter that he's not a very nice man
    [personal value judegement] because he's not a presence in my life,
    only in Rick's.
    
      Ann

    Re: .11
    
    >I just keep getting some comments which are just not necessary.
    
    Perhaps we have different opinions about what is necessary.
    
    >I really hate his friend for hurting him the way he is
    
    Is the friend deliberately trying to cause hurt or does the friend just
    not get along with you?
    
    >I also understand that if it was my friend I would be confused
    
    Naturally.  But confusion is not a happy state; he has to find his way
    out of it one way or another.
    
    >Should I grin and bear it
    
    Depends on how capable you are of tolerating the situation.  If this is
    causing you a lot of stress, then the 'grin and bear it' option might
    not be possible for very long.
    
    If you think the friend is motivated by jealousy (your boyfriend no
    longer has as much time for him, etc), then emphasize that you don't
    want to end the friendship and make sure you demonstrate this intent. 
    If you think the friend is just a meddler and a jerk, then consider why
    your boyfriend is friends with this guy.

    
     I wanted to say thanks to everyone who wrote in, and yes, maybe I did
    get a little irritated by some of the comments, which is noones fault
    but my own, needless to say, the problem is now solved, my boyfriend
    spoke to his friend!  
    
    He asked him in a polite way to please stop being so "involved" in what
    goes on in my life, and it would make alot of hard feelings between
    both of us go away.
    
    So... I got an apology, and I still don't appreciate what was done and
    I will never trust this person, but If all goes well, I will be willing
    to put it behind me for the sake of my relationship with my honey!!!!!

This is what I would have done.

When all four were present, I would have confronted both of them
and simply said.  (What are you two trying to do with your vicious
lies?  Are you jealous of Mr. XXX's and my relation {love} and trying
to break us up with these untruths, or have we ever done anything
to you to make these lies warranted?  Because if your XXX's friend
as you profess to be, they you are not a true friend, because 
real friends do not try to hurt friends.)

With that in the open they will only have to stop lying, or 
stop the friendship.  If the friendship is solid they will stop,
and if it is just convenient they will do as they choose, and 
probably find other friends.

Either way you have voiced your opinion, and you can tell them how
their lies hurt both you and Mr. XXX.

Truth is not easy at times, but it will stand up to the test.

Hope things go well for you always.

Dave