Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    My first observation is that from what you've presented, it sounds
    like you've been in the middle of some very poor supervisory technique.
    Having one employee "spy" on another is not an appropriate manner
    for a supervisor to deal with a performance problem.  Though I'd
    like to hear more detail, particularly from the supervisor's point
    of view, I'd nonethless say that (s)he was off base in requesting
    you to monitor the other individual.  For your own sake, you may
    want to think about discussing this in confidence with your Personnel
    consultant (for example, what's to stop this supervisor from making
    a similar request in the future?).
    
    Unfortunately, in terms of your current relationship with your
    co-worker, that's pretty well moot at this point.  To answer your
    questions more directly, I can only offer a couple of thoughts.
    
    � Are there any solutions?  
    
    If you're asking if there are any words or actions which can "fix"
    the situation, I honestly doubt it.  There's nothing that can make
    the events un-happen; your co-worker's obviously feeling hurt and
    I'd guess betrayed and I know of no way to reverse things, to make
    it as if she never felt the betrayal.  Understand, I'm not saying
    you *did* hurt or betray her; you acted in the manner you felt was
    necessary and the feelings she has in the incident are *her* reaction.
    But whether or not they're "appropriate" or not isn't the issue; the
    pain is what's at hand.
    
    � She doesn't want me to write or talk with her at all anymore.  
    � Should I give it some time?  
    
    If she won't communicate, what other options are open to you but
    to wait and hope that in time she'll be willing to listen to you?
    
    � Should I be feeling sad?  
    
    I don't think "should" has relevence here; you *do* feel sad.  That's
    a real feeling and valid.  My opinion is that it's appropriate to
    the situation - what's not sad about losing a friend, even temporarily?
    
    � Was she taking advantage of a situation? I really don't know what to 
    � think! 
    
    I don't know.  Before forming an solid opinion, I'd want to hear
    a good deal more detail from all the parties involved.  What I do
    believe is that this is a painful situation for you, one that felt
    beyond your control, and one that needs some resolution, some closure
    for you.  I think it's important for you to reach a point where
    you feel o.k. about yourself, your colleague, and the supervisors
    involved.  By "o.k." I don't so much mean happy as reaching a point
    of acceptance and forgiveness.  The best way I know to do this is
    to seek counsel and share what's going on inside.
    
    May you find peace of mind.
    
    Steve

    Re .0, I think Steve's reply in .1 is excellent, and I completely
    agree with it.  But, I would just like to add a couple of thoughts.
    
    I've been a secretary for a long time.  (I have no idea how old
    .0 is or how long .0 has been answering phones for other people,
    and trying to deal with co-worker and supervisor issues, but the
    fact is I have been in this type of situation for years now.)  When
    I was younger I might have thought that I *had* to do whatever my
    supervisor told me to do, regardless of what I felt about the ethics
    involved.  In fact, I guess I did feel this way at one time.  If
    this had happened to me, say, 18 yrs. ago, how would I have handled
    it?  I would probably decide just how close of a friend this co-worker
    was, and if she (or he) were very close, and if I really liked them
    I would probably assume that I could trust them, so I would probably
    confide to them that my supervisor had asked me to monitor their
    comings and goings.  I would warn them and I would tell them that
    I wouldn't want to have a part in getting them in trouble, and ask
    them to please try to be a little bit more responsible about how
    long they took for lunch (or whatever).  I would probably give the
    person a chance and as I monitored them, try to make them look more
    responsible than they were.  
    
    But, if any manager ever asked me to do this *now*, I would follow
    Steve's advice and just tell the manager that I didn't think that
    "Having one employee spy on another is....an appropriate manner
    for a supervisor to deal with a performance problem."  (In fact,
    I think I'm going to write that sentence down so I don't forget
    it!)  Sometimes employees in low level positions get treated with
    so little respect that it is easy for us to forget that we really
    *do* have the right to question an order if we don't think it's
    right.  Afterall, this may be corporate America but it's still not
    the military!  Re .0, I am *not* condeming your actions so please
    don't think that I am.  I understand that you were caught in an
    unfair and confusing situation.  I just think that sometimes life affords
    us important lessons that we should remember for the future!

    As far as mending your friendship goes, have you really had a chance
    to explain all your feelings, and perhaps say that you were confused
    and that if you had it all to do over again you would have handled
    it differently?  I have found that sometimes when you tell people
    you have hurt that, given the chance to turn back the clock, you
    would now handle something differently, that it sometimes can make
    them relent and forgive you.
    
    But, if you don't wish you had handled it differently, or if your
    former friend refuses to forgive you anyway, then I don't see what you
    can do but live with it, and wait and see what happens.

    Lorna
    

    Re .4, re. "Friends Don't Stop Talking During a Crisis," as I am
    sure you yourself have found in life, Steve, sometimes our friends
    can hurt us so much that we just don't feel like talking to them
    anymore.  Right?
    
    Lorna
    

    my first suggestion is to go talk to your personnel rep. they usually
    are very willing to help you work through the situation you were put
    into.  first of all, I'd explain about the request of your manager to
    monitor someone else, how it made you feel, what can you do to rectify
    the mess.  because of what the supervisor requested, it made your
    working environment uncomfortable and resulted in your possibly not
    having that other persons assistance in the future.  say you need to
    attend a class or meeting, and this other person needs to cover your
    phones, because of the negitive feelings caused by your supervisor, you
    may have some problems with getting messages etc. 
    what happened was unfair and unethical. you can't go back and do it
    over, but you can get personnel involved to arbitrate a discussion and
    maybe mend the situation so at least a working relationship can be
    established.  for your peace of mind, don't just sit there, take a step
    to get the work environment comfortable again, maybe in time, the other
    person will be able to empathsize and a friendship of sorts could be
    possible. 
    
    vivian	

    I suggest cross posting this in RAINBO::DEC_SECRETARY and also getting
    some feedback there.
    
    Maggie, Meigs and I are all moderators of that file, and any of us
    would post it anonymously for you if you like.
    
    I think asking you to document how your phone time is divided up
    is appropriate -- and I think all 4 four of you would have benefitted
    from a mutual meeting with the agenda "We have a problem - how are
    *we* going to solve it?".  It doesn't sound like the supervisors
    were terribly sensitive to the way this would affect your work
    relationship with the other woman doing phone coverage.  
    
    I imagine that rather than being asked to participate as a problem
    solver, the other woman felt like she got her hands slapped, and
    also may have assumed that the complaint originated with you.
    
    If she didn't want to talk with me at this point, I would probably
    leave her a letter.  In the letter I would acknowledge that this was
    probably very difficult for her, that it did not originate with you,
    and that she is important to you as a friend.  She can choose or not
    choose to read the letter. 
    
    Holly