Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    I would tell your brother to get counseling.  Tell him as many times as
    is needed that you love him, get counseling.  There can be situations
    where there is no limit to the love but there is simply no room for
    domestic violence.  You may have to tell him til you're sick of it but
    sooner or later, if he's going to get the message at all he'll get it. 
    If he feels ganged up on, if he "can't help" what he's doing then the
    quicker he gets help the better.  He's surely in a painful place.  Just
    keep telling him that certain behavior is intolerable, you love him,
    get help.
    
    Dondi

    If you love your brother as much as you say (and I know you do)
    dont cater to his victim tape.  Your doing the right thing
    by telling him to seek help, he could be acting out an aggressive
    behavior as an outlet for other frustrations.  
              
    good luck
    
    jim

    If you can find a counselor in your area you could try
    Intervention.
    
    This process brings the "family" together with a counselor
    and each "family member" gets to tell the person needing
    help how their behaviour is affecting them and the family.
    
    Intervention has worked for Drug and Alcohol abuse patients
    and could be used in Abuse cases, but finding a counselor
    willing is sometimes hard.
    
    My family is trying to get one of our brother-in-laws
    into treatment and after "months!" of looking for a 
    counselor who would agree to Intervention...we have.
    
    It's just an idea...something to think about
    
    I wish you and your family well
    
    --Christopher

    I agree with pretty much everything that's been said to date,
    especially that counselling is in order and that it's important
    not to give in to his "victim" tape.  He may indeed feel as if
    you're all "ganging up" on him, but perhaps it might jolt him
    some to let him know that, from your point of view, you're not
    "ganging up" but banding together in self defense.
    
    Steve

    Thank God yor family is close to you sister'n' law that she can
    come to you for unconditional help. 
      Don't be surprise if your brother tries to say well she did this
    or that, it is common not to want to look at your own actions and
    to try to blame someone else.
      Saying he's ashamed and getting himsef into counslling are two
    different stories... some people (NOT ALL) will say yea I need help
    but they don't do anything, they keep throwing out the line but
    never taking any action.
    
      THe suggestions: Intervention, Counselling, Are excellent suggesions,
    IF he listens.
    
       The problem I can only see is how much longer can they stay
    seperated, without damaging  the marriage? Can your sister'n' law
    Say that she would feel 100% safe alone with him in the house when
    he is angry again? Is SHE geing counseelling?? So that she won't
    buy into the guilt trip he might want to try on her? So that she
    can hold her head up?
    
      This is not an easy situation with an easy solution. This is where
    emotions run amuck! I wish yu all well, and hope everything straightens
    its self out the way God wants it to be.

    I talked to my sister-in-law yesterday and she said she WILL NOT
    go home until he agrees to go to counseling WITH her.  She also
    said that if he agrees just to get her to come home and then won't
    go after she goes home that she will leave again and not go back.
    I really can't say that I blame her.  I would do the same thing
    if it was my husband doing this to me.  The funny part is, there
    are 4 girls and 1 boy in my family and my brother would probably
    try to KILL any of our husbands/SO's if he thought they were hitting
    us.  It's funny how people think it's ok if they do it, but not
    ok if someone else does!!
    
    Virginia

    
    	I think the suggestion .3 has made is an excellent one. My
    counselor specializes in Intervention, and has explained that it
    is a technique which specifically minimizes the "ganging up on" 
    feelings in the person who needs help.
    	
    	Intervention involves the whole family and makes use of family
    system theory in it's process of healing and recovery. If you're
    further interested, send me mail.
    
    	Joe Jas 
                                         

    First, I think it is good you are being supportive of both your
    brother and your sister in law. Yes, they both need counseling,
    but not necessarily together.
    
    I want state here that my ex husband was a batterer, so I know the
    anxiety your sister in law feels about her husband returning home.
    She is justified to feel that way. Somewhere along the way your
    brother "learned" to deal with anger and agression by hitting. He
    even replied to you, "I can't help myself." That is why he needs
    help. Hitting is learned behavior--it has to be unlearned.
    
    For more information on physical abuse see note 220. I have a note
    in there which I think is about 220.27. Most cities have hot lines
    that are called something like...Battered Woman's Hot Line. They
    can give referral information for both the person who has been abused
    and the abuser. 
    
    Finally realize battering has a cycle that it follows. It doesn't
    stop unless the people involved get help to stop it. I don't know
    of any situation where it stopped because the couple kiss and made
    up. Actually this cycle of the relationship is called the Honeymoor
    Cycle.
    
    Good luck to all involved. If I can help you with any additional
    information, please contact me at: MRC::FLECK OR DTN 324-4308.
    
    Linda