Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    I'd say "Is it ok if I call you mom?"!  Talk to her about it!
    (We all call my mother "ma" and she HATES it!  She says it makes
    her feel like an old country backwoods-woman!)
    
    Tell her that you've felt uncomfortable since your marriage in calling
    her other than Mrs. Ryan.  I know what you mean, it's a sign of
    respect to call her by that, but calling her "Mom" doesn't show
    any lack of respect, 'cause you're married to her son now!  She'll
    probably think it's cute (your confusion, I mean ....)
    
    Tammi
    

    My mother-in-law likes to be called "Ellie" (her name is Eleanor), so
    that is what I call her, and my sisters-in-law's husbands (whew! there
    must be a better way: Paul has two sisters, and their husbands call our
    mutual mother-in-law "Ellie" also).
    
    I don't know what Paul calls my mother; she lives far enough away that
    we don't see her very often (unfortuneately - she is real neat lady!).
    
    When I was a kid, the "proper" thing was to call your mother-in-law
    "mother Young" (in my case), but I don't recall that anyone ever seemed
    to like to be called that!  My father always called my grandmother (his
    mother died when I was a baby) either "Mrs. Necessity" (she was one of
    the best-organized people I have ever known) or "Mrs. Steele".
                                                

    Ask -- I did. Mine told me to call her by her first name. You could
    even explain that you feel silly bringing it up after all this time....
    
    --Lynn
    

    I asked too!  And she said either mom or her first name - which ever is
    more comfortable.  Most times I call her by her first name, since we
    feel more like friends than a mother/daughter.  But there are those
    times when she's like a mom to me and it feels right to call her "MOM".
    
    Ask!
    

    	Well, my mother-in-law's name is Naomi Virginia. I've
    	always called her Jinny. My father-in-law's name is
    	Marion Jackson. I call him Jack. Of course, I knew
    	them before I ever met my wife, and that's what
    	everyone else called them.
    
    	Scott

    
    
    I asked my future mother-in-law what she preferred I called her,
    and she told me Mom.  She has two sons and now she considers me
    her daughter as if I was born to her!  
    
    So, this is another vote for simply asking mom-in-law what she
    prefers.  It's a very simple question and it'll make you feel much
    more comfortable!  I know, before I asked my mom-in-law I used to
    find ways to avoid using her name at all costs!
    
    Cherie

    The answer is obvious:  Go have children so you can start referring
    to her as Grandma.              
                                    
    I'm only half-kidding.  My mother was always sensitive to this because
    her in-laws never indicated how they wanted to be called.  My father
    called them Ma and Pa and once they (my parents) had kids, my
    grandparents indicated that they wanted to be called Ma and Pa by
    my us grandchildren as well.  Only then did my mother start calling them
    anything (Ma and Pa, also).
    
    Because of this, my mother made a point when each of us got engaged
    to tell the new person, "Please call us Connie and Joe."  They expected
    to be called Mr. and Mrs. Bryant before that.  No room for question.  
    My mother-in-law didn't do that.  Her name is Ann, but her immediate 
    family and a few long-term friends call her Cookie.  Her four kids 
    call her Ma or Mom.  I asked her several times what she wanted to be 
    called.  "Whatever you want."  Big help.  I did not want to call her 
    Mom since I had already had one of those.  And for some reason I just 
    couldn't bring myself to call her Cookie.  So when I call her anything,
    it's as it is with most people whom she hasn't known since childhood.
                                                  
    But she signs cards, "Love, Ma" or "Love, Mom" (this varies).  And
    on holidays, etc., it's awkward since everyone else calls her either
    Mom or Cookie (my husband is the only one of her kids who's married).
    Someone always comments on me calling her Ann. 
                                                                        
    Now that we have kids, she's known as Nana to them and that's
    generally how I refer to her.
    
    Maybe your husband could suggest to her that she let you know how
    she would prefer to be called.
    
    -Tracy
    
    

    gosh, you mean most people don't call their in-laws "um" and "er"?

    
    When I was still with my ex-wife, and still in touch with my in-laws,
    I just called her "Helen" which was her name.
    
    This was never much of a problem for me.  I related to her as a person
    that I was familiar enough with to call her by her first name.
    
    I would suggest you consider your relationship with your in-laws
    as relationships with REAL PEOPLE.
    
    Then I think you'll find it's pretty easy to call them by their first
    names.  It's only while you still think of them as adults and you as a
    child that it becomes difficult to break away from "Mrs. Ryan".
    
    /Eric

    It's funny, I know I have only one mother but it never bothered
    me to call my mom in law 'mom' since that was what my husband
    called her..and he in turn called my folks mom and dad...it took
    a while for it to seem natural but now it is warm and loving 
    and from the heart...(after some 22 years) interestingly enough
    this past weekend at my folks in laws 50th anniv I called my mom
    in law by her first name...and we both agreed that it was perfectly
    fine for me to do that and didn't know why we hadn't agreed on
    that long before.
    
    
    Bonnie

    I agree, just call her "Mom". Hell, my nephew's girlfriend calls
    my mother "Grams". She (my mother) likes it because she really
    likes her, and likes feeling that she (the girlfriend) is "part
    of the family".
    
    --- jerry

I have the same problem.  I don't feel close enough (emotionally?) to my MIL to
call her mom.  I feel funny calling her Emmy, so I don't usually call her
anything.  I have gotten away with calling her "her", "she", "your mother", "my
MIL" for 6 years.  I can't explain how I do it, but I have gotten around 
sounding tacking or cold.

I have no problem calling my FIL dad, although I have to catch myself sometimes
because I crave to call him gramps.  He reminds me more of a grandfather than a
FIL.  They are older than my folks. 

Ln

I call my FIL the doctor Papa Doc, and my MIL Mary, Mother Mary.

You gotta feel sorry for them with a DIL like me.
	Mez

        

    This has me giggling.  It reminds me of a good friend of mine who 
    when speaking of her in-laws, always called them Mil and Fil.  It 
    wasn't until I met them at some function a few years later, that 
    I discovered that these weren't their name!  

    When I asked my friend why she choose those names she said that Mom
    and Dad was not comfortable for her, and their first names weren't
    comfortable for them.  So jokingly she said "well how about I call you
    mother-in-law..." which later in the conversation led to "MIL" and 
    it stuck.  Since then this has grown into a very real term of endearment 
    for them.

    And to think these folks using TLA's don't even work for DEC.

     
    lsn

    It's funny about MIL and FIL.  Since my mother-in-law and father-in
    law live in a different country and don't speak English it would
    be difficult to call them as such.  I, too, had this problem
    when I married.  To solve the problem, I asked.  They told me
    to call them "Suegra (for mother-in-law), and Suegro (for
    father-in-law).  It sure feels funny to call them this because
    the exact translation is mother-in-law and father-in-law.
    But that's okay, since they can't pronounce my first name.
    So I generally get called by them "Senora".  What a life!!!
    
    
    				= Shelly =
    

    I, too, avoided this for a long time.  My in-laws were both married
    before and my MIL's kids call her mom and him Stewart.  Now, Stewart's
    kids both call him Stewart and her Dorothy.  The both lost their
    first spouses to death and have been remarried for 24 years.  I
    was torn when I first got married (5 years ago) because I really
    wanted a MIL to call mom and a FIL to call dad just because I thought
    that's how it should be done.  I asked my husband why he calls them
    by their first name and he said he was just accustomed to it - he
    calls my folks mom and dad.  When I asked what I should call his
    folks he said they would probably love it if I called them mom and
    dad since no-one else does!!
    
    -sandy

    Mom and Dad are the easiest - My in-laws want me to call them by their
    first names, my husband calls them Mom and Dad, and they want the
    children to call them Granny and Grandad. This works ok verbally, but
    looks really silly when they sign greeting cards like this:
    
    		"Love,
    
    			Mom and Dad,
    
    			Ralph and Elly,
    
    			Granny and Grandad"
    
    
    I feel like I'm dealing with six people!
    
    

    I call my MIL, Mrs. B.  Her last name is Bogart.  One of her daughter's
    husband calls her that too.  One of my sister-in-law's (Mrs. B's son's
    wife) is the only one that calls her Mom.  
    
    Anna
    

    Well, after getting encourgement from these relpies, I finally sat
    down with my mother-in-law and just asked her. She laughed, and said
    she knew how I felt because she never knew what to call her mother
    in law either, and in fact *never* called her anything. She said
    my sister-in-law (Mike's brother's wife) doesn't call her anything
    either. 
    
    Anyway, she said I could call her anything I felt comfortable with,
    so I suggested "Mom", and she agreed.
    
    Another dilema solved in womannotes !
    
    Dee