Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    The main thing that I saw change for me was that once married (we lived
    together over a year before getting married), my husband felt he had a
    right to demand use and control over all of my resources. At the same
    time, I was feeling trapped - and there was nothing I could really do
    about these demands.  In some cases, he managed to charge things in my
    name, and *I* had to deal with the creditor. I fought back, and
    generally kept myself intact.  We were married in April; by November we
    considered ourselves separated, although I hadn't found a place to move
    to yet.  We filed for divorce in December. 
    
    Some of this pre-existed the marriage - he was always asking me
    for all sorts of things.  It was more a matter of degree - ask vs.
    demand.  And before marriage, I didn't have the trapped feeling.
    
    Living with this man was generally pretty good, for about 16 months.
    Being married to him was pretty good for 1 month.  The rest of the
    marriage ranged from fair to lousy.  I also saw some of the same
    dynamics that I saw in my parent's marriage (one I wouldn't wish
    on anyone), and, from listening to his perspective and a little
    bit of watching them, his parent's marriage, although reversing
    the M-F roles there.
    
    And no, I won't do it again.  I was also one of those who said
    "marriage won't change my relationship."  Clearly, I was wrong.
    
    Elizabeth 

    I would say that yes, getting married change our relationship. 
    But it wasn't saying "I do" that caused the change, and it was a
    sharp before and after distinction.
    
    The whole process of deciding to make this commitment together and
    then planning our wedding (a joint project) and (lengthy) honeymoon
    and moving in together brought us much closer together.  But I really
    view this as just one of a series of events--from career changes
    to having children together--that have made our relationship what it 
    is and will grow to be.         
    
    -Tracy
              

    When we got married, our INCOME TAX situation changed, so money was
    real scarece for the first three years or so after we married - we paid
    about $3K more in taxes total than we did as single people, and that
    was a lot.  I changed my tax withholding from taking several exemptions
    (because I owned the house we still live in) to none at all with an
    extra lump sum withheld every week, and so did Paul, and it really hurt
    a lot, because there was so much less money to get by on.  it was more
    than three years before my takehome pay equalled what it had been
    before the marriage due to raises (not counting inflation, either).
    Grumble.
    
    On, the other hand, I don't think our relationship changed all that
    much.  We have very different personalities, and have a lot of fun
    wathcing how each other think, and learning from each other.  As I say,
    I provide the METHOD, and Paul provides the MAGIC - he has a real
    holistic outlook on life, while I am notoriously practical.
    
    /Charlotte

I was really worried about Joe and I magically turning into my parents too. So
far, it hasn't happened. We were living together for about 2 years, and we've
been married almost 4.

Things that changed:

o relations stopped asking when we'd get married, and started asking when we'd
have kids. So we had some talks about that.

o ditto the income tax and grumble, though not quite as bad. It hasn't had
significant lifestyle impact.

o we started a joint account (though I still keep my checking), and he hasn't
run off with the cash yet :-). That was a big mental risk for me, which turned
out fine, so I love him more for it.

o I wear a gold wedding band, so I don't get hit on nearly as much. I consider
that a plus.

o I occasionally get mail to Mr. & Mrs. Marconis, and if it's a repeat
offender, I get pissed, and Joe tries to tell me it's not important (though he
does so less and less now, seeing that it has no effect :-). 

In general, I find myself dealing with the same togetherness/me-ness issues I
dealt with while we were living together. It's just the terms are more loaded.

>      One thing I have heard is that once you are married you start to emulate
>      behaviors of your parents in their marriage, good or bad. 

>      I don't really understand this.  Can anyone explain?  Did this happen to
>      you?  What exactly are these changes? 

Under the marriage loonies I put one, though I've had it for as long as I've
been cooking for men; marriage didn't change it. I found myself panicing over
the timing of dinner. When I thought about it, I realized my mom had done it.
Children do learn from their environment. I have a lot of things I do because
my mom did them. The ones I don't like, I try to get rid of (like this one).
	Mez

    
                          <** Moderator Response **>

    I've hidden both .6 and .7 since, in my opinion, they both sound too
    much like simple personal attacks.
    
    						=maggie

    re: .5

    Ray, I am glad that you wish us to have joy.  I think joy is great,
    and often a highly underrated experience.  However if you are going
    to post in this conference, you should do the following two things
    if you wish people to accept your writings:
    
    1.  Respond to the topic at hand, and make sure your response follows
    the general line of the discussion in the topic.  Non sequitur notes
    do not contribute to the flow and meaning of the notesfile.
    
    2.  Make sure to phrase your thoughts in terms such as "I think"
    or "I feel" or "in my opinion".  Other people in the file may share
    your opinion, but they may not, and we need to afford others the
    freedom to accept your note as coming from your point of view, without
    its sounding like "the sole and only way it has to be".  Some people
    in this file by definition do not share the view you espouse in
    .5 (i.e. non-heterosexual people, single people who do not wish
    to be married, and people whose religion is very different from
    yours) - and although they may support your right to your opinion,
    and feel comfortable that YOU have it, they need to feel it is not
    required that THEY share it.
    
    -Jody