Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    Get his  number.  I almost always exchange numbers so that each of
    us can get in touch with the other when it's convienent. You might
    also  consider  it  to be a step towards a more equal relationship
    between men and women.

--David

    Ask for his number and give him a call.

    I always found it pretty scary....would break out in a
    sweat even thinking about it.  But if someone had ever
    called me?  I'ld have been thrilled!
    bob

	I'm with the previous two responses... In fact, the last woman I ran
into and was interested in, I gave her my number (well, Ok, we exchanged net
addresses first and home phones later) and I was quite thrilled when she called
me one evening, and I didn't even know her number. (do now...)

	One thing might be the never-ending dilemma of "do I call the next night
and possibly seem too anxious" vs. "Gee, have I waited too long to call and
now she'll think I'm a dweeb."

	Take a risk.  Ask for his, and call him if you're interested.


						--D

    
    Amazing! I have been thinking about entering this SAME topic for
    months now. This has happened to me countless times, especially lately.
    
    The thing is, all the replies so far tell us what to do if it happens.
    I'd still like an answer to the base note's question: WHY does it
    happen? Maybe I'm not interested enough in the guy to give him a
    call, but I'm still curious about why someone would ask for my number
    if they don't intend to use it.   
    
    Roberta

    Re: .4
    
    It's not clear that when they ask for it, they have no intention
    of using it.  They might be planning to call when they ask for it
    and then, for any of the reasons already mentioned, not done it.
    
    Now then, why would someone ask for a number without intending to
    use it?  Possibly because it's part of the social form associated
    with dating -- this is "one of the things you do on a date."  Also,
    it might be that they think *not* asking for the number would be
    a kind of insult.  Not calling when they have the number is also
    kind of an insult, but it's easier to hurt someone at a distance
    than face-to-face.

     One of the things that happens is you take the girl's number. Things
    come up and you haven't called her for a couple of days. Now you start
    to worry that you have waited too long. Now you're afraid to call her-
    "what will she think of me, I've waited so long?" It's like ::GORDON
    said, do I call her right away (and seem like an eager puppy), or do I
    wait (and run the risk of feeling you've waited too long). It is a
    moderately stressful thing to do.
    
     By and large the most common reasons I've heard for not calling
    someone who's number you've taken is anxiety that you've waited too
    long and will look like a fool, and having met someone special in the
    interim.
    
    The Doctah

    Re: .4 
    
    >with dating -- this is "one of the things you do on a date."  
    
    You ask for a number on a date? I thought you ask for the number
    in order to _get_ a date. 
    
    Roberta

    Re. getting his number, too:  If you're the type who cares whether
    he's REALLY available (or just pretending to be), calling him can
    sometimes turn up some surprises.  ("Who is the woman who answers
    your phone?" I asked one man who had portrayed himself to me as
    single and interested.  "Oh, that's my wife," he responded.  "We
    have an agreement."  SURE!  Wonder if she knows about it!)
    
    Why do they do it?  Some have good intentions, but get distracted
    easily.  Others may THINK they're letting you down easily rather
    than indicating their interest isn't as great as yours.
    
    Karen

    I think men have been asking for women's numbers, and then not calling,
    since the first telephone was connected.  I know, for a fact, it
    was common in the late 60's and early 70's when I was single before,
    and it recently happened to me, too.
    
    A couple of months ago I was at an antique show and I met a guy
    there.  I had seen him looking at me several different times while
    I walked around the show, and eventually he smiled and said, Hi,
    and then finally came up to me and started a conversation.  We talked
    for quite awhile and appeared to be getting along fantastically.
     He turned out to be a doctor, of all things, at a hospital in Boston
    and younger than me.  (At least he *claimed* to be a doctor-maybe
    he was a mass murderer and itinerant laborer instead, tho.)  He
    seemed intelligent and personable and seemed to be actually quite
    interested in me.   After talking for a long time, he asked me if
    I would ever want to get together for dinner sometime, and I said,
    sure.  He seemed really nice.  I gave him my work and home phone
    number and my name and he wrote it down.  I got his name but not
    his number.  Anyway, I never heard from him.  He never called. 
    I wondered if he had second thoughts about the fact that he was
    (supposedly) a doctor, and I'm a secretary without even a bachelor's
    degree (he did ask), about the fact that he was younger than me
    by about 8 yrs., or about the fact that he was Jewish and I'm not.
     I figured any of those could have made him change his mind.  I
    had forgotten about it until I read this note.  Now it sort of pisses
    me off again :-).  Why did he bother?  *He* approached me, not the
    other way around.  I even went so far as trying to look up his name
    in the Boston phone book but his name was much too common, and I
    didn't see any sense in calling 10 people and trying to find out
    if he was the right one!!!
    
    I think men are just taught as little boys to occasionally ask for
    a woman's number and not call her.  It's just part of the overall
    male plot to eventually drive all females crazy.
    
    Lorna
    

    
    re: .9
    
    Yes, that's EXACTLY what I'm talking about: the case where a guy
    approaches _me_, not vice versa (believe it or not it _does_ happen
    once in a while :^) ), so there's no reason for him to
    "let me down easy". Maybe it's the opposite. Maybe if you don't
    show enough interest they are too scared to call. But it's silly
    of them to be scared. I may not be head
    over heels with someone I've just met, but if I give him my phone
    number, it at least means I don't think he's an utter slime bag!
    :^)       
    
    Roberta

    Regarding .6 and a few others.....
    
    First of all, what's too much time gone by?  If I spent a couple
    hours talking to you, could you remember my face and shreds of
    conversation a week later?  I can and believe me, if I ever see
    those guys again....heh heh, just kidding.
    
    And if we're talking more time than a week like say, a month, then
    yes, I guess you could meet someone else special in the interim,
    but you probably took her phone number and didn't call her either.
    I hate to believe that I'm only "special" when I'm right in front
    of someone's face and that my memory is totally wiped out when they
    move down the big smorgasboard of life and stand in front of some
    other "dish".
    
    And in this day and age when we put men on the moon, Judy Jetson
    on video, and a VAX on your desk, what's so hard about picking up
    the phone and calling someone you spent practically the whole evening
    talking to???

    re. 9 -- making the initial approach doesn't necessarily indicate
    full interest.  It means your appearance/demeanor fit into his profile
    of possiblities.  There's still the chance, as I'm sure you've
    experienced yourself, of learning after talking with an interesting
    "prospect" that there really isn't any other match -- the attraction
    was purely physical.  (No, I'm not talking about just sexual attraction
    here -- but attraction based solely on the visible aspects).  But
    having made the initial approach, he now has to get himself off
    the hook as painlessly (for himself) as possible.  Most men won't
    say, "Golly, I wish your mind/personality/inner person were as
    attractive to me as your body, but since it isn't, I'm going to
    go talk to that tall blonde in the corner instead."  So they allow
    themselves a graceful out.  Maybe we shouldn't complain, if the
    alternative is that they'd be too scared of being stuck with an
    incompatible companion for the rest of the evening to approach us 
    in the first place.
    
    Karen

    Re: .7
    
    >I thought you ask for the number in order to _get_ a date.
    
    Well, I suppose that's the way non-computer people are forced to
    go about it (unless, of course, they make arrangements in person).
    
    Re: in general
    
    I've seen a few men express the opinion that, if the onus of calling
    were on the women, they wouldn't think it was no-big-deal.  I suspect
    that some "modern" women who call men have found it at least a little
    intimidating.  Not quite as bad as stepping up to someone and
    introducing yourself, but getting there.  (Those of you with masses
    of social self-confidence can go call somebody or something; I'm
    talking about the average semi-jellyfish.)

    Are you kidding???  Call someone who's just about a complete
    stranger, and who might have given you her number only to be
    polite, or gave you a fake number so you'll be calling a *different*
    stranger and looking like a jerk, and who will probably think
    you're scum for calling so {soon|late}, and who is probably eating
    dinner or is in the bathroom or is watching a really terrific
    program on TV that she will never see again or is in mad, passionate
    embrace with a *really* terrific guy?
    
    Have I missed any fears?  Oh, yes.  Did you know that telephone
    operators listen in on phone calls and laugh at the mistakes you
    make?
    
    						Ann B.
    						who has been putting
    						off a phone call to
    						a bank in Halifax for
    						two weeks now.

Interesting...

One thing that happens to me sometimes is that you feel that the other
person really wants and expects you to ask for their phone number and
you ask for it but you are not really sure that you are going to call.
So, you think that you are doing what the other person wants at least
initially.  From what I am hearing from women here, I should probally
not ask at all in this case. 

I prefer to exchange numbers, that way the onus is not all on the man.

One time, I woman I met insisted that I take her number and made me
promise that I would call her.  What a turn off!  I felt like I was
under contract or something.

I love being asked out by women!!!  I remember the first time it
happened, I met someone at work and there was chemistry but I let it
go and she called me at work and asked me out.  It felt so good.  I
wish women felt more free to do this.  I assume that its (in general)
very hard for women to do this.

I was kind of shy for a long time and I'll never forget the absolute
fear in calling someone and asking for a date!  Yuch!  I still get a
little nervous but it is not so bad anymore.  If people say no I
figure its their loss (this helps me feel better).

john

	I have a tough time getting rolling when I meet people. (Although
several folks I've met find that hard to believe.)  It took an awful lot of
personal agony to get up the courage to attend my first =wn= party.  It was
only the fact that there were several people *I already knew* going that let
me get over my initial dread of being somewhere I don't know anyone.

	=maggie once commented at a party that she thought I was more quiet in
person than in Notes.  I consider myself pretty quiet in Notes, but I know I
have a tough time in a crowd of "strangers."  I enjoy =wn= parties now because
the "number of unknown-to-me attendees" has reached a non-stress level compared
to the folks I do know.

	I met someone at a noter's party not so long ago, and sent her mail
afterwards saying I had enjoyed talking to her, and basically trying to open
up a pleasant conversation.  I got no response.  "Fine, I'm being blown off..."
Well, it happens that a couple of months later, I got mail out of the blue
from this same person, asking if I was going to another noter's party.  I was,
and now, we've exchanged phone numbers, and even called each other a few times.

	Isn't it amazing how many crazy fears many of us entertain, and how
active our imaginations can be when it comes to picturing things that can go
wrong or make us look foolish.

	Cut the guys a little slack, and if it is just a few hours, or even
weeks before he does call, don't give him a hard time.  And if you don't want
him to call, tell him "no thanks" rather than having to "wash your hair" if
he does call.

						--D

    I can't believe that no-one has mentioned a reason for not calling
    that has to be near the top of the "reason list"... 
    
           Losing the number
                  . It goes thru the wash
                  . The dog ate it
                  . Something got spilled on it, now it's illegible
                  . It got put somewhere for safe-keeping (always the
                    kiss of death)
                  . etcetera, etcetera, etcetera!
    
    That's way swapping numbers is better, there's a chance someone's
    will survive!
    
    At least that is the way with me!!   
    
    Linda

    As somebody suggested in a recent note, it's definitely the case that a
    lot of people have phobias about telephoning strangers. Hell, I have to
    work up nerve to phone my parents or sisters (and we're on fine terms).
    My brother's easier: I can reach him over the Arpanet.

    It happens that I never did what .0 describes: soliciting a phone
    number from a relative stranger and then not using it - but that's
    probably because I never in my life had a date with a stranger - only
    with people I already knew.

    I, too, appreciated both Chelsea's and Ann's replies. Yes, there
    are those of us who are semi-jellyfish when it comes to making a
    call. On the other hand, anyone who is like this probably won't
    have the 'nads to ask for the number in the first place, but...
    
    re:.11
        
    	� ...what's so hard about picking up the phone and
    	calling someone you spent practically the whole
    	evening talking to??? �
    
    Because "talking with someone for practically the whole evening"
    carries no attendent baggage with it. You meet someone, you sit
    down, and you talk (and presumably enjoy it). It's spontaneous,
    and there's nothing more than what there appears to be.
    
    With calling and asking for a "date", though, there's all sorts
    of baggage about whether one or the other sees this as the
    beginning of a courting ritual. Invisible agendas� of various
    flavors spring to mind, and discomfort sets in.
    
    There have been any number of times where I've thought nothing
    of spending large amounts of time talking to a woman at a party
    or whatever, but the thought of calling up same (even had I
    experienced a moment of bravado and asked for her number) and
    arranging a "date" would induce catatonia.
    
    On the other hand, there have been times when I've exchanged
    numbers with women via email just to call up and chat over the
    phone. In every case like this, though, it's been someone long-
    distance where the "threat" of arranging a date didn't come
    into consideration.
    
    --- jerry
    
    � Though "invisible (or hidden) agendas" usually carries a negative
    connotation to it, I'm using it as a neutral term here.

	Re: .17 

>    I can't believe that no-one has mentioned a reason for not calling
>    that has to be near the top of the "reason list"... 
    
>           Losing the number
>                  . It goes thru the wash
>                  . The dog ate it
>                  . Something got spilled on it, now it's illegible
>                  . It got put somewhere for safe-keeping (always the
>                    kiss of death)
>                  . etcetera, etcetera, etcetera!

	Another one:  You wrote down the number, but not the name, and when
	you look at it at a later date, you have no idea whose number it is.
	(Or you are looking for a certain person's number, and find umpteen
	which are unlabeled, and can't remember which one is the one you want.)

	...then again, maybe I'm the only one foolish enough to continue
	doing this over and over again. :*]

	>>AL<<

    
    Asking for numbers as an easy way out:
    --------------------------------------
    
    I think it's wrong to ask for someone's number just as a way to
    end the conversation. Anyway, I'm usually pretty paranoid that
    I may be boring someone or trapping them in conversation, so I don't
    think anyone would have to pull this with me. I think I'd be pretty
    aware if the conversation was one-sided. Anyway, what's wrong with
    just saying, "It's been good talking to you. I'm going to get some
    more punch." I can't speak for any other women, but _I_'m certainly
    not going to follow the guy back to the punch bowl.
                                          
    Being afraid to call:
    -------------------- 
    In a way I can identify with this, because when I was very
    insecure about my piano playing, I would get real scared about calling
    up really great players to play. Then I realized that, whether they
    have time to play or not, people are generally pretty nice about
    it, maybe even flattered that you called (whether to play music
    or to ask for a date.) I haven't called anyone lately for a date, because
    I don't usually get attracted to guys I've just met (usually it's
    more people I've been friends with for a while), but if it DID
    happen, I would just call and figure that if I got rejected, it's his
    loss. I know it's not always that easy, but COME ON! We're not
    teenagers here! Everyone gets rejected. The way I see it, if the
    person is a big enough schmuck to make you feel bad about it, then to hell
    with her/him.
                                                                
    Roberta
                                                       

    
    Speaking as a man, I don't ask for a number unless I'm definitely
    going to call.
    
    If I just think I'm interested in maybe calling, I usually ask the
    woman her last name and what town she lives in.  That way, if I decide
    to call, I can look her up.  (but sometimes I've ended up with a
    recording telling me
    from-New-England-Telephone-that-number-is-unpublished-at-the-subscribers-
    request)
    
    I also often find it hard to ask for her number.  It sounds like such
    a line.  I tend to avoid "lines" like the plague, unless I feel
    comfortable, and then I'll use lines that I know will sound like lines.
    
    /Eric
    
    

    
    	I think this can be explained by considering the logistics of
    how one can "get" approval and affirmation and validation from another
    person.
    
    	These thing are perhaps needed in different contexts by different
    people. For example, the inherant approval surrounding "getting"
    your phone number may be _all_ the other person needed - that is why
    they didnt call.
    
    	If that's so, you probably woundnt want to bother with them
    anyway -
    
    	Joe Jas
    
    
    	

    re: .9 (Lorna)
    
    � It's just part of the overall male plot to eventually drive all 
    � females crazy.
    
    Irrelevant wisecrack #1 (for the boys):
    
    That's a real short trip.
    
    Irrelevant wisecrack #2 (for the girls):
    
    Insanity just loves company.
    
    Steve (the equal opportunity obno)

	I have a fear of telephones - don't know where it came from -
	so I don't like to give out my phone number/ but Enet address
	is fine/ and I never give my home address to anyone I just met.

	I do like to get other peoples phone number so that I can call
	them about helping with various organizations I am involved with.
	So if you meet me and I ask for your phone number you will probably
	hear from me about volunteering for the "fillin group name" next
	fund rasing/planning/cleanup event.

	Social calls is something I don't tend to encourage, that may
	be because I need to make so many "xgroup needs you help" calls.

	On the rare occasion where someone has asked for and received my
	phone number and then they have called - I go straight to seventh
	heaven without stopping even if I really didn't expect/hope for
	the call.

	BTW - Not only is my phone number unkown to many it isn't even
		listed in my name anymore - talk about hidding.

	_peggy

		(-)
		 |
			Talking face to face is scary
			talking when I can't see the other person
			can make me break out in a heavy sweat.

    
    Interesting, Peggy. I also feel more comfortable talking to people
    in person than on the phone. In person you can tell how they are
    responding to what you're saying. 
    
    What's strange, though, is that I think I have better conversations
    on the phone, even though it takes me longer to get comfortable.
    On the phone you don't have the distraction of, say, walking
    down the street with someone and watching out for cars, or paying
    attention to your drink at a party, or anything. All you have is
    two people talking. If it weren't for phones, maybe the art of
    conversation would be even more dead than it supposedly is.
    
    Roberta

    I also have Fear of Phoning, which I excuse by pointing out
    that I have a hearing loss, etc.  I've even been known to
    tell helpful E-net friends that I'd just as soon continue
    correspondence with them via the E-net than the Phone, which
    sounds really silly when I think about it.  Oh, well...

    -- Linda, who has been happily busy and unhappily out of touch

    I feel like an odd ball writing this, but I've got to say that I've
    always been on the bold side and after a few too many times of sitting
    by the phone in my youth, I started taking down the numbers of the
    guys I intend to talk to. 
    
    In fact, right now, with the ever handy business card, I am quick
    to offer and quick to take. I will also admit that the exchange
    is so frequent that I have a storehouse of cards and I CERTAINLY
    do not follow up on all of them. The business card is one of those
    funny things which conceals your purpose. Some people I want to
    know for "business" reasons, some for "networking" reasons, some
    I want to connect with others... and some I want for myself ! :-)
    
    But I've certainly been guilty of not calling. I've lost the number,
    or forgotten to put the name with the number. And hopefully we
    exchanged. The few times this has happened, when the guy calls,
    I'm totally gushing how sorry I was that I lost the number, and
    how glad I am that he called.
    
    However, I have also had the experience of having too many numbers
    to juggle. Or finding a better prospect. There have been a few too
    many times in my life where there's been too much meat on the plate.
    And I'm spending a lot of time trying to pare it down, especially
    since I have a problem with names. Helped once when I knew three
    David's at once, and then there was the time with two Brian's. I
    have nightmares of orgasmically screaming the wrong name... (not
    really!) So, in those cases, I often don't make that follow up call.
    Or I don't manage to find time for that next date. 
    
    I mean really, how do you tell someone who's really nice in his
    own way "I'm sorry Bartholemew, but I just spent three hours subtly
    memorizing this Tom_Selleck_look-alike's schedule, and I happen
    to know that he is free on Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday, so I
    don't want to schedule anything on those days 'cause I *just* might
    get lucky..."                               
    
    Or that you're waiting for an SOO (something-or-other) to become
    an SO.
    
    I need to stop this. Someone's going to believe that I really do
    this, and I'll never hear the end of it. :-) 
                                           
    
    'ren
    
    P.S. I'm baaack!  :-)

    welcome back 'ren
    
    :-)
    
    Bonnie

Three answers to the question, two of which have already been cited by others:
1.	Phone numbers can get lost.
2.	Telephoning is terrifying - far more so than asking for a number when
	you're face to face with someone.
3.	Some people are never at home. It's getting to the stage now that I'm
	glad to get through to an answering machine (and I never thought the
	day would come.

		Andrew.

    poking at a dead topic.......
    
    i have never asked for a number and then not used it.
    but then i rarely ask for a number, being too shy in person.
    another thing that has NEVER happened to me..... a woman has
    never asked for my number and then called.  come to think of
    it, a woman has never asked for my number.
    
    used to make me feel kind of sad, when i was still too shy 
    to even talk to strangers.  but i have gotten over it.
    
    anyways, back to the topic of this note.......  why would a person
    (not to limit this to only guys) do this?  fear of rejection (this
    is true, and this is why i would call day after getting a new number.
    wanted to get it over with RIGHT AWAY), actually lost slip of paper,
    not sure what other person thought of self, uhhhhh............there
    are lots of reasons, thing is not to worry about it.  if you really
    want to get in touch with the person, get the number yourself.
    
    consider the alternative...........
    
    if you want to be sure a job is done right, leave it in the hands
    of some total stranger you've talked to for 5 minutes over beers,
    right?
    
    

    When I was a teenager, some guys asked me and my best friend for
    our numbers and we thought they were geeks, so we gave them the
    wrong number.  I think she gave them the number to the library and
    I gave them the number for the time and temperature guy.  Now that
    I think back on it, we're lucky we never ran into them again.  :-)
    
    Ahh, youth!!!

    When I was in highschool and someone I just met (and would never see
    again) asked me for my number I used to give them dial-a-prayer.  I
    got the suggestion from a friend and liked it.  But, fortunately I've
    outgrown that and just don't give it out now if I'm not interested.
    
    Debbi