Conference turris::womannotes-v2

I do all the things I don't do because he's around. I turned the stereo to 'BCN
(rock music) at 7am and turned it up loud. I cooked and ate foods that he
doesn't like or can't eat. I visited friends alone, to get a different
perspective. I watched videos that he doesn't care to watch. 

I thought hard to figure out these things. I don't conciously not do them when
he is around. They're part of the give and take, the tradeoffs, of living with
the one you love. But after a got the hang of it, I found a bunch! :-)

And I was very glad to see him when he came back.
	Mez

    Last year, for a period of about 7 months, my husband worked in
    Connecticut (we lived in Manchester, NH).  He lived there all week
    and came home only on weekends.  We had been married 6-1/2 years,
    so his being away all week made quite a change in our lifestyle.
    
    I feel that the time during which he was "away" was a very intense
    period of growth for me.  We were married quite young, and that period
    was the first time I'd had "my own place".  I tried to use the time
    to find out what *I* really liked to do, what *my own* lifestyle
    was when I didn't need to compromise with anyone else in my living
    space.
    
    I did all the things I liked to do, that many times I *didn't* do
    when he was around -- like staying up much later (I'm a night-owl),
    letting the dog sleep on the bed, playing all my favorite music
    LOUD, eating a supper consisting of *only* cauliflower with cheese
    sauce, etc.  It's not that I *couldn't* do these things when he
    was there, but just as part of the natural compromises that are
    made whenever people live together, often wouldn't.
    
    I also learned about myself that I am perfectly capable of arranging
    for a tow/repair when my car broke down, fixing a toilet that wouldn't
    flush, putting together an office chair that came "assembly required",
    and handling all the finances (which, as it turns out, I am better
    at than he and enjoy doing, so I still handle them).  Small accomplish-
    ments, maybe, but ones that had my husband been there, I would have
    said, "Don, can you....?"
    
    Our time apart definitely made our relationship stronger.  I came
    out of it with a new confidence in myself, and my husband has told
    me that he, too, has a new respect for my autonomy.  Enjoy the time
    that you have apart -- use it to discover new things about yourself.
    And besides, reunion is so much fun!  ;-)
    
                             ...Lisa V...

    
    
    I agree with the last two, but you could also try doing something
    that he would like to do but has never been able to.  When I was
    living at home, my Mom would often be away on business trips.
    Once we (the kids) took advantage of the situation and renovated
    a room.  Of course we had to ask my grandparents who owned the house
    if we could do it, and we also had to get the appropriate materials
    and such.  But her reaction was the best payback.  It was something
    she had always talked of doing, but could never have the time or
    the money.  It was great!  
    
    I am right now separated from my SO.  His Mom is dying of cancer.
    She only has a week or two left.  So he wanted to be with his family
    which is understandable.  I think the hardest part is worrying about
    him and how he is doing with this.  They live in NY and I live in
    Boston.  Due to circumstances, I will not be able to go down when
    his Mom does pass on.  This does worry me, but I feel that he will
    get all of the strength he needs from within and from his family.
    But it is tough.  However, when I am not worrying about him I am
    doing things for myself.  And I can honestly say that I am having
    a great time.  
    
    Take care,
    Michele

    I can sure answer this one.  When I graduated from college, my SO
    had yet to graduate.  He moved to Colorado for three months for
    a summer job.  It was lonely at first, but I found things I liked
    to do.  I got very involved in my job and spent more time there.
    I spent more time with my younger cousins, taking them to the beach
    and the cape - things I would not have thought to do if my SO was
    around.
    
    When he finally did come back - it was like meeting all over again!!
    
    After he returned, I lived alone and he was at school, I spent more
    time reading, exercising, I took more classes (became and aerobics
    instructor). And then of course the weekends were wonderful because we
    spent them together. 
    
    When I travel alone for work, I enjoy my time away alone - and even
    if it's only for a week it's wonderful when we see each other again!
                        
    It gives you time to think, spend time by yourself or with others
    you wouldn't ordinarily see.  It can be very healthy for your
    relationship!
    
    Suzanne
    Suzanne

    When I met my SO a year and some months ago I had to make big
    adjustments in my relationship thinking.  I was used to spending
    alot of time with the person I was dating and with Dave that wasn't
    possible.  I met him just after he committed to an 18 month lease
    on a house an hour away from where I live plus I discovered that
    in his job in Area Sales Support he travels 80%+.  
    
    It took me some time to realize that what I considered to be part
    of a normal relationship, spending alot of time together, to him
    seemed like I was clinging since he was used to not spending alot
    of time with his SOs due to his travel schedule.  After I made the
    adjustment, I found that I had all kinds of time to myself to do
    things I wanted to do.  All I had to do was figure out what to do.
    I started taking clogging lessons (a form of tap-type dancing),
    I spent time with friends I hadn't seen in a while, started reading
    again (I'd been putting off reading lots of great books), I'm starting
    ballroom dance lessons soon, etc.  I find that having all that time
    to myself (away from him) makes the time I do spend with him that
    much more special.
    
    I used to always say that I wanted a relationship where I would
    still have my independence.  I didn't want to be involved with
    someone who had a problem with my being independent.  Yet I wanted
    to have my cake and eat it too, I still wanted to spend alot of
    time with said SO.
    
    You have to be careful what you wish for 'cause you might get it 
    and once I did I had to realize that this was what I'd always said
    I wanted and then adjust to it.
    
    I find that now and then I do get a little lonely without him around
    and since is he out of town alot we do miscommunicate occasionally
    but all-in-all the situation has worked out pretty well.  We've
    been together for 1 year & 2 months and things are still going very
    well.
    
    Jan

    
    
    	I'm got some knowledge and experience in this topic, too!
    	While in college, I dated a man from Venezuela. Twice a
    	year he would go home for the Christmas and summer break.
    	I certainly learned how to communicate through letters and
    	the now and again telephone call (it wasn't cheap!). It certainly
    	did add to the saying that a separation makes the heart grow
    	fonder.
    
    	I am now married to this man.  However things are different.
    	I work at Dec in the evening shift and my husband works
    	a day shift job.  Talk about never seeing one another!!!
    
    	That's what makes Saturday and Sunday so special. I feel
    	that this separation certainly has done wonders.  We don't
    	take each other for granted anymore.  We are enjoying ourselves
    	more and certainly don't argue about the little stuff.
    	We spend the time talking about our week and getting out and
    	visiting family.  Just being together.  Before we were just
    	couch potatoes.
    
    
    	My husband now is playing on a golf league and spending time
    	doing the things he likes that I can't stand, i.e. watching
    	gorey action movies and cooking fish for dinner.  As for me,
    	I've benefitted by going back to school days and am going
    	to finish up my degree.
    
    
    	I certainly like all the benefits of our separation, but all
    	in all, I'm looking forward to getting back to the day shift
    	when I'm done with school.
    
    
    		Shelly
    
    
    	P.S.  My husband has learned how to cook and clean.  An added
    	      bonus.  I go home and the house is clean!!! WoW!!!!!