Conference turris::womannotes-v2

595.0. "Update on Single Mother of Teenagers" by WMOIS::B_REINKE (If you are a dreamer, come in..) Fri May 12 1989 17:17

This note is being entered as a follow up to an earlier anonymous
note in volume one. The original entry is appended at the end.

Bonnie J
comod

_________________________________________________________________


Well, it's been over a year now and I think it's time for me to update
all those noters who read my entry (Volume 1, 718.63) and especially to those 
who responded.

At the time I wrote last year I was a single mother needing
help with my 2 teenagers, esp. my son.  I'm still single and still their mother
but things have changed.

The situation with my son got worse instead of better.  I had to bring him
to court on assault charges against me.  For months afterwards the situation 
was very tense.  Then the last straw came when he hit me in the head with a 
Pizza box and said "F___ Off".  This was completely unprovoked.

That may sound trivial, but it was so humiliating to me, I decided, that's
it.  I told him to pack up the next day and get out.  I knew he had a place to
go to either to the home of a former lover of mine or to friends.  He choose my 
"friend".  He also works for this "friend".  

Anyway, he left and I was filled with mixed emotions of relief and sadness.
I didn't see him for a long time.  I did keep in touch though.  I waited
for a couple of weeks for the anger to die down and then I would make weekly
phone calls.  Sometimes he'd talk and other times he wouldn't return my calls.
By Christmas things had improved.  He spent Christmas Eve with us and part of
the next day.  My daughter, her boyfriend, my SO (yes the same one from last 
year) and his two sons were all present.  It was a lovely day.

My daughter moved out in January.  No ill-feelings, it was time.  She's 21.
She has a fairly good job and takes an occasional college course.    
I purchased a condo about an hour away from both of them.  It was all I could
afford.  My son helped with the move along with my SO and his son.  My son's
behavior was not to my liking during the move.  He was hung-over, rude and 
abusive to me.    It was a very emotional day and I probably
didn't handle it correctly.  Nevertheless, we are still friends and I am
hopeful for him.  He still drinks too much and probably still involved with 
drugs, of course this concerns me.  But I realize now that if he's going to 
change his habits, he has to WANT it, not me.  I had a little Family Sunday 
Brunch a couple of weeks ago, a good time was had by all.  

In summary, I think I've tackled the GUILT that I've felt previosly.  I've
learned how to accept the things that I can't change and to change those that
I can.  Lately, I've been dealing with an "empty nest syndrome".  I'm "only"
43 and feel too young to have grown children out on their own.  I've
chosen to live alone and I LOVE it.  But I do have my moments.  Especially
when I open the door to my charming condo and realize that no one has been
there but ME in the last 24 hours.  It's a strange feeling.

I occasionally am hit with a "Mothering Attack" and will bake a lasagna
or a quiche and bring it over to my son and his "hooligan" friends.
I volunteer to do light sewing for my daughter and I am finally finishing
the outfit I started for her last year.  All-in-all, we as a family are
recovering.

I guess I felt the need to give a progress report what with Mother's Day
right around the corner.  There seems to be such a myth around what a
good mother should be.  I don't have any answers or comments on that, I 
just know that I did the best I could with what I was working with - my
own inadequacies.

Once again I want to thank all of those who supported me last year.  It 
meant alot to me.

___________________________________________________________________

The original note follows:

    I have got to get some of this off of my chest before I start my
    work day.  I sincerely hope that someone will read this and off
    me some words of advice or encouragement.  Here goes:
    
    I am a woman in my early 40"s who has been divorced for 6 years,
    my two teen-age children live with me.  The past years have been
    disruptive for all of us.  In fact some of it has been very UGLY
    and I'm ashamed of those times.  I am slowly overcoming the guilt
    that is associated with all of that.  Anyway, I have come to the
    conclusion that my children have lost all love and respect for me.
    This of course causes me a great deal of pain.  My daughter is 18
    and my son is 16, there father has thrown both of them out of his
    home and has not been in contact with either one for over a year.
    He lives in the next town.  I feel a fair amount of bitterness over
    this because at times I need his help.  He even has an unlisted
    phone number.  Yes he pays child support for the 16 year old but
    the emotional and fatherly support is just not there.  I have no
    love for this man, I instigated the divorce, but I have no family
    in N.H. and feel very alone when the "____ hits the fan".  I use
    the current man in my life as an emotional support for me but he
    really can't get involved with my 2 "darlings".  He's too emotionally
    involved with me and sees the hurt and pain that they cause me.
    
    I have wanted desperately for all of us to live together happily
    and be a real family.  But I guess I have to face the facts that
    because of past events this is just not going to occur.  
    
    My son is the real problem now.  My daughter has put her time in
    at putting me through HELL.  He has been a "troubled Youth" since
    he was 11 years old.  He dropped out of school this past September
    and lived with a former lover of mine who is now his employer (does
    this sound like a soap opera?)  At Thanksgiving time he asked to
    come back and live with me and return to school.  I said yes under
    certain conditions, basically that he obey my rules.  Well, he has
    not.  When I got home last night there was a "bowl" (used for pot
    smoking) and marijuana seeds on the dining room table.  I've known
    that he has been a drug user for quite some time, I had warned him
    that if I find anymore evidence of this behavior, I would notify
    the police.  Therefore, last evening I called the Juvenile Officer
    in our town.  He wasn't there but will call me at work today.  I
    know I've done the right thing, but what happens now.  My son already
    has a court case that's pending in the District Court.
    
    I'd like to know how other mothers have dealt with similar situations.
    I know that I'm not alone.  I am in a very stressful and depressed
    state right now.  I am afraid for my emotional health.  Last March
    I made a very weak attempt at suicide because of just such "scenes".
    I've suffered "mild" nervous breakdowns also in the past year. 
    I'm beat.  On the surface I look and do just fine.  I have a good
    job, a good man and am healthy.  I am very athletic and have a
    wholesome and usually cheerful outlook on life.  But when these
    events occur I go down the "Black Hole".  I need some help, some
    good support.  I've been to many theapists and to a ToughLove meeting.
    Nothing seems to help.  I really Love this 2 Kids and it breaks
    my heart at the way they treat me---this is pure emotional abuse.
    The mood I'm in now is one where I will tell them to move out, get
    out of my life so that I can be happy.  Is this selfish or is this
    what they need to hear.
    
    I thought that I would feel better after writing this but I don't.
    Hope I can stay busy today, so that this ugliness can be erased.
    
    I'd love to hear from anyone out there....