Conference turris::womannotes-v2

594.0. "Blame the mother" by HKFINN::STANLEY (What a long, strange trip its been) Fri May 12 1989 15:53

There was an interesting article in The Globe for Mother's Day.  It raised
a few interesting questions that fit in with this and several other notes.

Mothers seem to be in a very difficult position today and this is what
Linda Weltner has to say about it.


The question is ... "Why should profit-making institutions with unlimited
financial resources bear no responsibility for creating a safe and stable
society?  Why does the burden of protecting children always fall on a 
mother's shoulders?

A study recently released by the Natural Resources Defense Council, a nonprofit 
environment group, warns that many fruits and vegetables contain levels of
legally used pesticides that can cause nausea, muscle weakness and even 
permanent damage or cancer in preschoolers.

What are we supposed to do about it?  The article goes on to say that the 
suggestions (scrub fresh product, shop for organic produce, raise your
supermarket manager's consciousness, push for political action) take energy
that the average mother doesn't have. She is working to feed her family.
How can she be expected to police her children's diet and the entire food
industry at the same time?

 ... Poor mom stands alone.  

Against Broadcasters who put anything they want on the screen, but "good"
mothers are expected to monitor their children's tv viewing and correct
any misperceptions kids might possible acquire from a steady diet of 
murder, rape, promiscuity, deceit, violence and greed.  

Against merchandisers who sell faddish clothes and
expensive possessions as an essential ingredient of the good life.  

Against the $400 million spend annually on advertising campaigns directed at 
children.

Against inflation, which threatens a family's security, and pollution which
poisons it.  

Against cut-rate schools and drugs and the influence of her children's peers.  

The fact is that too often the mother who is labeled neglectful or rejecting 
is simply overwhelmed.

In the heated debate about abortion, doesn't it make sense to raise the
question of why so many women are choosing to end a pregnancy rather than raise
a child?
...pregnant women know the score.  Unless they are well off, there will be no
medical care.  Unless they are fortunate, there will be no paid maternity
leave.  Unless they are lucky, there will be no affordable day care.

Home is no longer a sanctuary from the forces at work outside it, and 
no one knows that better than the mothers who are so often held responsible for
the harm their children sustain.

After all, who else is in charge of nurturing in this culture?  Who else is
expected to be unconditionally loving and patient and self-sacrificing except
Mom?  
    
    I'm deliberately leaving Dad out of this, because even a mediocre father
is likely to be given credit for his efforts by the same children who take
their mother's attention for granted.

Because we have higher expectations for mothers than for fathers, we are quick
to criticize our mothers for not being perfect, but appreciate our fathers for
merely trying," says psychologist Paula Caplan in her eye-opening book due in
June "Don't Blame Mother."

... Mother-blaming is so pervasive that it's almost a wonder that women choose
to become mothers," she goes on to say.  We compare our mother to the "perfect
mother" and find her wanting.  We see a mother's strength in relation to our
smallness and never come to understand how uncertain and powerless she may
have felt.  We hold her responsible at 50 for things she did at 20...
Paula Caplan's book is about learning to let go of all that.

Maybe the best thing to do on Mother's Day is to realize how sad it is that
motherhood can come between women who should be natural allies and in some way
reach across the generations to say, "I understand how hard this job is."

						Linda Weltner
						(Author of No Place Like Home)


We mothers sometimes have a very hard time.  We can't carry the well-being
of society alone.  We need all the help and support we can get.

Mary
    

    I'm afraid I don't understand what you are trying to say.  Could
    you please clarify?
    
    Thanks,
    
    Mary

    I agree with the gist of what the article is saying. I, as a father
    see how much society dumps responsibility of childrearing on the
    family and particularly the mother.
    
    Capitalism has freed the workers from the bonds of serfdom and slavery.
    Capitalism to be successful needs a mobile work force. I have no
    objection to these two conditions of capitalism.
    
    However, the necessary mobility of the workforce has broken down
    much of the support structure that helped rear the children in the
    past. We are less likely to have the grandparents and other family
    members close by to help.
    
    There has been * N O T H I N G * to replace this.
    
    Les

    As I have said before, I have had no other joy equal the joys of
    motherhood. Had I not become one, my life would be unfulfilled,
                                                            
    I am a mother second only to being human.
    
    (but I could use a little help now and then)
    Kate
    

    Re: .0
    
    >Why should profit-making institutions with unlimited financial
    >resources
    
    If there are any profit-making institutions with *unlimited* financial
    resources, there aren't very many.
    
    >take energy that the average mother doesn't have.
    
    Perhaps the average father will assume some of the burden.
    
    Redefining these "traditional" roles requires overcoming an immense
    degree of inertia.  Therefore, progress is likely to be slow in
    the beginning, though it should pick up speed over time.  I think
    we're at the point were it's starting to pick up speed, what with
    paternity leave and house husbands actually being discussed in some
    forums.  Since women are the ones who are driving this change to
    the status quo, most of the burden is going to be on them.  (Thank
    goodness the average woman has more endurance than the average man,
    eh?)  The atmosphere of major changes on the horizon doesn't help
    make parenting any easier.  Society and traditions are experiencing
    a significan upheaval, so the security of standards and habits isn't
    as strong as it used to be.  Children can pick up on that and their
    parents have enough to do with just coping for themselves.  Consider
    the task of managing change within Digital and then consider the
    task of managing change within a society.  Kind of mind-boggling.

    re .4
    
    Being a mother has been the most rewarding part of my life too.
    And I think we all could use a little help now and again_;-)
    
    re .5
    
    I don't think the kinds of changes that are coming can be managed.
    Our economy is on very shaky ground and there appear to be clouds
    on the horizon (if the wage freeze announced today is any indication).
    It may come down to a philosophy of 'one day at a time' for many
    of us.  As usual, ... I worry about the children most during hard
    times.