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Conference turris::womannotes-v2

Title:ARCHIVE-- Topics of Interest to Women, Volume 2 --ARCHIVE
Notice:V2 is closed. TURRIS::WOMANNOTES-V5 is open.
Moderator:REGENT::BROOMHEAD
Created:Thu Jan 30 1986
Last Modified:Fri Jun 30 1995
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1105
Total number of notes:36379

536.0. "What To Say To Parents Of A Dying Child?" by RUTLND::KUPTON (Thinner in '89) Fri Apr 07 1989 14:17

     	A life long friend of mine returned to Maine a couple of weeks
    ago from Oklahoma. He and his wife were very close to my wife and
    I until they moved away about 11-12 years ago. Our wives kept up
    most of the correspondence and phone calls, which diminished over
    the years. Their son was six when they moved and they had a daughter
    three years ago. (planned) When they've returned on visits, the
    wife has called just before departure, he and I have not seen each
    other at all since I helped load the moving van. There's no animosity
    just a parting of the ways I guess.
    
    	On this past trip back, they brought their now 17 year old son
    with them and left the little girl in Oklahoma. They didn't call
    but I understand why, because another mutual friend ran into them. 
    The son has had 3 serious brain operations for cancer. They brought
    him back to see where he lived when he was little because he couldn't
    remember it too well. He also wanted to see where they lived as
    kids and he wanted to see his aunts and uncles. I don't know for
    sure, but I guess he knows he's not long for this world.
    
    	I'd like to call the our friends and say something. The problem
    is that I don't want to call and say "I hear Jody has brain cancer."
    But then I do want say it and offer support, whatever I can do.
    I'm lost. What do we say to a parent who knows a child is about
    to die??
    
    	Suggestions?? Thanks in advance....
    
    Ken
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536.1ISTG::DIXONFri Apr 07 1989 15:3823
    Hi Ken,
    
    What a sad story.  The advise I offer comes from a different
    perspective.  My brother and sister-in-law recently lost
    their 15 month old daughter in a car accident.  I know
    that one of their fears was that they could tell people were
    afraid/uncomftable about bringing up the [obviously] painful
    situation.  They felt a burden the 'help' those people out -
    during a time when _they_ were the ones that needed the support.
    
    They were also very afraid that, since their daughter was on
    this earth for such a short time, that people would 'forget' 
    about her; that they would also be burdened with keeping her
    memory alive for everyone.  
    
    Don't hedge, be open, be there, be supportive - talk to them.
    They are losing their child, they need every piece of love
    and support that anyone can offer.  Don't be afraid to
    talk to them, they'll be relieved that someone really cares,
    and _wants_ to listen to them.
    
    God bless,
    Dorothy
536.2Tell them you careHICKRY::HOPKINSPeace, Love, & UnderstandingFri Apr 07 1989 19:0819
    I would suggest you call, tell them you understand they were in
    the area and you were really sorry you missed seeing them but you
    understand they were probably busy visiting relatives.  Then you
    can mention you heard their son is sick.  If they want to talk they'll
    tell you more.  I wish I knew the perfect answer, but I don't. 
    My daughter, Tina, died at the age of 6 from cystic fibrosis.  I
    knew from the time she was 2 months old that she would die at an
    early age.  It was torture.  Sometimes I wanted to talk about it,
    sometimes I just wanted to pretend it couldn't happen to my baby.
    It sounds like your friends are at the "acceptance" stage and would
    probably welcome a call.  It's nice to know people care when you're
    going through something like that.
    I guess what I wanted to say is just tell them you care and if they
    need to talk, you'll listen.  I never wanted advise or sympathy....
    just someone to talk to who cared.
    
    Hugs,
    
    Marie
536.3SUPER::REGNELLSmile!--Payback is a MOTHER!Fri Apr 07 1989 20:2015
         Sorrow is such a hard thing to share.
         
         You know, it really doesn't matter one little bit
         *what* you say...just that you struggled to say it.
         
         Knowing that someone cared enough to try will be
         more help than you can ever know. I am about to make
         a sexist remark...but if you are close to the man,
         from personal experience I found that a father in
         this position really needs a friend to cry with.
         
         I am so sorry...
         
         Melinda
536.4Just be yourself...ASABET::MCCLURETue Apr 11 1989 15:0120
    To say, "I hear that Jody has brain cancer" is a bit blunt.
    What I would say is, "I heard about Jody from (whoever) and I just
    wanted you to know that we are very concerned."  Also, saying some-
    thing like, "I just don't know what to say..." is honest and to
    me would seem acceptable.  It is very awkward for people to tell
    about their personal tragedies, to me it would be a relief for someone
    to approach me especially if it was a lifelong friend.  Invite them
    all to dinner.  Make it a "normal" dinner.  Just treat them like
    you have always treated them.  They'll know that you care, and that
    is "saying" enough.  
    
    Put yourself in their shoes...would you want to be ignored?  Or
    would you want their kindness?  Another noter had a good point,
    maybe just the two men could get together and talk.  Even if they
    didn't talk, companionship sometimes is all that is needed.
    
    Get a game of Pictionary and have some fun.  They could probably
    all use a mental break and that game is rediculously fun.
    
    Best of luck in a hard situation.