Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    A supplemental discussion of jealousy can be found at
    
    QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
    topic 112 - "That Green Eyed Monster"
    
    -Jody
    

    reply .2
    
    OH HECK!!!
    
    We were in complete agreement, Arpad, until you just _HAD_ to put
    in that bit about the couple being unusual.  Seeing as that's exactly
    the sort of relationship Rick & I have, I kind of have to take
    exception to that assessment.
    
    ----------
    
    Seriously though, that such a relationship would be called unusual
    speaks to the overwhelming lack of self-esteem to be found in the
    general population.  When people define their worth only by what
    they see reflected in the eyes of others, jealousy and possessiveness
    are inevitable.  The need is to hold very tight to what they've
    got because without it there would be nothing.
    
    It is hard to trust when one is dependent.  It is easy to trust
    when one is not _afraid_ to stand alone. [enjoying it is another
    matter altogether].
    
       Ann

    
    re:518.3
    
    
    anne, youare right about the line you said about "without that person
    they would be nothing" because my husband tells me that without
    me he would be a big nothing and would'nt know what to do.
    so you have a good point there.
    angela
    
    

    
    	Anne,
    
    	What a great observation/revelation you have stated:
      
    >Seriously though, that such a relationship would be called unusual
    >speaks to the overwhelming lack of self-esteem to be found in the
    >general population.  When people define their worth only by what
    
    	I call that a "bingo"! Right on the Money!
    
    	Now all the world has to do is find out "why?"...
    
    	Joe Jas
  

I agree that the major cause of jealosy is low self-esteem on the part of the
jealous person. I also think that there are relationships where one person
does not respect or consider the other's feelings and in a sense gives
reason to jealosy.

It all comes back to trust. I was in a previous relationship, where I find
myself jealous, and possesive to some degree. I didn't like it, but I
was definetly insecure in the relationship and had reason to be insecure.

I have very rarely been jealous in my relationship with  my husband. I have
been willing to let go in this relationship. Early on this included him 
getting together with an old girlfriend who he still had feelings about. I
was able to say honestly that I felt a little scared about him seeing her,
but that was no reason for him not to go. He went and had a good time, and
it was ok. (The smartest thing I ever did was supporting him going by the
way).

Anyway my husband has always let me know that he loves me, that I am important
to him, and has never given me any reason not to trust him. I trust him
completely so there is no reason for me to be jealous.

A relationship needs trust, and individual self esteem. You can help that
trust by letting your husband know how much you care about him, and that
you consider his feelings. On the other hand you can not completely repair
self esteem that is something he needs to do. You also can not completely
give up what you want to do, just to avoid him getting him jealous. This
is a difficult line to keep. Good luck

Muggsie

    Angelina-
    
    I have found that jealousy is basically a fear of losing
    something/someone that you're not sure you really *have*.  This
    fear, in turn, triggers the need to hold on even tighter lest the
    beloved slip away.  It is unfortunate that this clutching, clinging
    vine type of behavior frequently has the opposite effect.
  
    Learning a feeling of self-worth is a good start to letting go of
    jealousy.  Many times, therapy to discover why the lack of self-worth
    came about to begin with, can be helpful.
    
    Barb