Conference turris::womannotes-v2

I did some of that for friends at MIT who said they were suicidal. They weren't
lovers or anything, though they did tend to me male. We'd talk when they were
depressed, but we didn't really have a lot in common when they weren't. I can't
say I really believed I was saving them from suicide, though occasionally one
would say I did, in which case I believed him. I think they just needed
somebody to talk to, and would have found someone else if not for me. And I got
a chance to see how other people react.

	Mez

	I've had women treat me as a father (older brother) on a number
	of occasions. I was mostly just glad I could help. 

				Alfred

    For someone to treat you as a mother is an honor. I am many things
    but I am a mother second only to being human.
    
    Kate
    

    I've never had a guy treat me like his mother.
    (and I hope I never do!)
    
    Lorna
    

This is from the original noter:

re: .3

Yes, it is somewhat of an honor because I know how much his real mother
means to him -- thinks the world of her.  However, think my situation is
somewhat different. 

I was the person who always believed in him, cared about him and loved
him for being him.  Whenever he had a bad time in his life (sickness,
being forced to find a new job or else the same girlfriend leaving him
time and time again) who was always there to help him through it and tell
him he is OK and someone does love him for being him???  No one, but
ME!   Even though he has told people that I've been the only one to ever
give a hoot about him, I feel that he only saw me as the shoulder to lean
upon and not the woman who truly loves him for being him.  Basically, his
on-and-off girlfriend keeps "using" him and has always left him whenever
he was sick or having surgery; that's something I could never (and never
have done) to him.  Recently, I've forced myself to keep my distance.
Perhaps at this time he thinks that I really don't care about him cause
I'm not "there for him".  However, I must break away from that "cycle" we
were in -- I'm not there to be a mother to him during the tough times in
his life -- but am the woman who always stands by his side and loves him
for being him (and still does)!

Yes, .3 you're right about being a mother second (it hurts me to see him
hurt), however, I do have feelings too.  Does anyone have any ideas what
I can do so that he no longer sees me as a "mother figure"?

    I believe that in any good relationship/marriage there is a certain
    amount of "mothering" "fathering" done for each other at times.
    
    But I am wondering if it would ever be possible for him to view
    you as anyone other than the "mothering" person in his life?  Too
    often, people are a little like Lorenz's ducks; imprinting seems
    to be permanent, and once someone is assumed to *be* the mother,
    they remain in that position.
    
    Backing off, getting your own priorities up-front, putting yourself
    first and not him and his problems will be good for you.  And once
    you do that, you may decide that you have been acting in the capacity
    of mother even if you did not intend it to be taken that way.  "Being
    there for someone" is a two-way street, and has he always been there
    for you in your difficult times as well as the good times?
    
    Being a mother is a joy [re: Kathy's lyrical remarks] but it is
    a lot more fun mothering a real child than mothering a grown-up
    "child".  I know.  I have had the experience of doing both. 
    
    FWIW
    
    Marilyn

    Re .5, I agree with a lot of what .6 says.
    
    As far as "getting him" to view you romantically instead of as a
    mother figure, all I can suggest is sitting down and talking to
    him about your real feelings.  If he is as good a friend to you,
    as you say you have always been to him, then you should at least
    feel free to reveal your true feelings to him without fear of ridicule
    (even if he does have to reject them).  I would just tell him that
    I like him a lot as a friend, but that I am very hurt and confused
    because I realize that he treats me like a mother, but that my feelings
    for him have become romantic.  I would ask him if he thinks he could
    ever be interested in me romantically, and I would ask him to be
    honest with me.  I realize it would be next to impossible to have
    this conversation with someone you have admired from afar, but if
    this man is really such a good friend, you should be able to talk
    to him.  If he tells you that he is either in love with someone
    else, or doesn't think he could ever see you as other than a mother
    figure of platonic friend, then I would just force myself to get
    over him, and either keep him as just a friend, or forget he exists
    whichever you'd rather do.  If he isn't interested in you, forget
    him and look for someone else.  There's no sense in banging or head
    against a brick wall, when you can turn around and walk the other
    way.  At least that's the way I think of it when someone I'm interested
    in doesn't reciprocate.
    
    Lorna
    

    re: basenote
    
    There was some book about roles people play. I think it was called,
    I'm OK You're OK. It dealt with mothering, fathering etc.
    
    Back to your problem. I think you have to state your needs. Also,
    many women fall into the "I need to be needed" pit. The need to
    nurture can be so fulfilling that a woman could end up enabling
    a person to lean on her. It's deeply engrained in our culture. Try
    to sit back, evaluate how you really feel, then tell this guy.
    
    Kate