Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    I think the stress of planning a wedding is enough to make someone
    "touchy", so I wouldn't take it to heart too much.  Have you talked
    to her since, and has her attitude softened?
    	Linda

    Plus, maybe she needs and wants more of your help but doesn't want
    to ask you, or thinks you should volunteer, and your not doing so
    has hurt her feelings.  I don't think that you should be expected
    to read her mind, though.
    	Linda

    The main role of the maid of honor is to help with the details and
    lend moral support.  Beyond that, it is between you and the bride.
    If she does not communicate with you, it is not up to you to read
    her mind.  Expectations should have been discussed when your friend
    asked you to be her maid of honor.
    
    If you let her know how you REALLY feel about the situation, how
    much will that jeopardize the friendship? Is it worth it?  As with
    any disagreement between friends, look at the outcome...it may make
    you feel better, but it may also sever the friendship.  Only you
    know.  Now is NOT the time to discuss this, since emotions are probably
    soaring.  If you want to broach the subject, wait until things have
    cooled down and you can talk with each other sensibly.
    
    Good luck,
    Judi
    

It varies. You might want to read one of those 'how-to' books to see how the
experts :-) feel about it.

Ditto on raging emotions. Getting married is a tough time.

Also, she might have wanted/needed/been manipulated into asking someone else. I
was on the end of a transaction like that once, though I only got demoted, not
totally kicked out :-).
	Mez

    in re .4
    
    I would echo Mez's thought. My reaction when I received this
    note was a thought that the bride is functioning from an agenda
    that she hasn't shown the base note author. One reasonable scenerio
    is that she has been put under pressure to choose a family member
    instead of 'just a friend' as a maid of honor and this is how
    she has chosen to go about dealing with the problem.
    
    Bonnie

    
    I was under the impression, FWIW, that the maid of honor goes shopping
    with the bride for a dress, throws the shower, and lends whatever
    moral support or other help is requested. I don't think it's her
    job (am I being sexist by assuming the maid of honor is a woman?
    :^)) to plan the wedding. 
    
    As far as her motives, I agree with the previous replies.
    
    Roberta

    The following reply is from a member of the community who wishes
    to be anonymous.

    Bonnie J
    comoderator

   __________________________________________________________________
    
    Re: .0
    
    I read your base note, and several of the replies and felt "bells of
    recognition" clanging around in my head, and I cringed in terror of a
    past memory I'd rather have kept forgotten. 
    
    What I sensed is this: Just how good is this "good friend" ? 
    
    You need to open up the lines of comunication to find out to what
    extent your buddy expects you to assist. Does assist mean doing all the
    "dirty work" or working  together ? 
    
    Have you consulted a book on the etiquette of planning a wedding, to
    get some idea on the "roles" of the participants during the planning
    phase ? 
    
    Someone asked: Is it possible your friend is being pressured by
    "family" to replace you with a  family member ? If that is possible,
    can you make it possible to just ask her if that's what's going on ? 
    
    On the "hidden agenda possibility". I've personally been seriously
    involved with someone who had a "hidden but unknown" agenda. Hidden
    because they were going through life with a set of learned behaviours
    that they expected everyone else to be aware of, as a lifestyle. The
    problem was (in hindsight) is that they were UNaware of this 'script'
    they were following, and were heavily critical of  anyone who failed to
    follow the same script. 
    
    I suspect that it is just possible that your friend, either of herself,
    or through manipulation of family, has a similiar "Expectation" of you,
    but for "some reason" has not or cannot tell you about it. 
    
    When you do the "planning sessions" with your freind, do you discuss
    what each of you will/can do ? 
    
    The only weddings I've ever planned have been my own, and they were
    generally so small and low budget that the only major plans were:
    Church, Invitations, Marrier, Dinner, and Where to spend the weekend. 
    
    Two MAJOR weddings that I've observed ($5,000 + budget) is that they
    began preparations 1 - 2 years in advance; the Maid of Honor maintained
    the Wedding Gift book,and HELPED the bride (except  in one case where
    they hire a wedding  consultant who assigned tasks to the various
    people). 
    
    I'm sure this won't provide answer, but I hope you'll think about more
    questions to ask, and ponder just what it is your friend needs from you
    at this time. 
    
    (Gad .. so much stress .. why do people bother so much, and only to get
    divorced 5 years later ..) .... 

    "Luck helps them that helps themselves ..."    
    

    
    I can see where the role of maid of honor could be confusing.
    I have a different point of view of what the maid of honor does.
    (also known as the best woman or best man)
        
    I was maid of honor at my sister's wedding and I didn't do anything.
    She couldn't choose among her friends so I was the safe choice.
    I was at college so my mother helped my sister with everything
    including throwing her a shower.
    
    My maid of honor was my good college friend.  She lives in CA and
    I live in MA.  So she didn't help at all in the preparation or planning
    of the wedding.  She couldn't throw me a shower.  And for the 
    "bride's maid dress", I told her to get what she wanted or use
    something she had.
    
    However, she had an important role.  She kept me company the night
    before the wedding.  And though I love my mother and sister dearly,
    they had certain ideas on what I should be wearing and how my
    hair should be and how much makeup I should have on the day of the
    wedding.  My maid of honor was to act as a buffer between my
    family and I should anything clash.  (nothing did btw)

    I agree that the bride may be under some sort of pressure and have
    a different idea of the role of Maid of honor.
    
    My sister did "fire" one of her bride's maids before the wedding.
    It was definitely a miscommunication.  My sister was getting 
    married right after high school.  This particular bride's maid
    was heard to say that she didn't think it was a good idea and
    the marriage wouldn't last.  Unfortunately, my sister was
    quick-tempered in those days and instead of asking the bride's
    maid what actually was said, etc.  My sister just asked to her
    not be in the bridal party.  It caused the friendship to be
    broken forever because neither side would open up communications.
    
    Try asking your friend again.  Besides, friends can help with a
    wedding preparation and plans.  So, even if you are not the
    maid of honor, you can still help.  Maybe, she has to have someone
    else has maid of honor but I'm sure she could still use your support.
    Especially now.  Some brides get real "stupid and inconsiderate" weeks
    before the wedding.  It's a stress thing.
    My roommate was a great help even though she was an official
    member of the "bridal party".
    
	Who says weddings aren't fun? :-)    
    
    

    I agree with all that's been said, and just want to add - please
    don't talk to her about your (justified) anger at her unreasonable
    expectations of your clairvoyant abilities :-) until after the wedding!
    She is probably so stressed out right now that her perceptions are
    really skewed, and nothing will be gained for either of you.
    
    IMLE, brides immediately before their wedding are "not guilty by
    reason of insanity" regarding anything they do or say - things that
    are often unreasonable and sometimes hurtful.  After their weddings,
    several friends of mine have expressed regret at things they'd done
    or said during the preparations to people they cared about.  It's
    just a crazy-making time.
    
    I am NOT suggesting that your anger isn't valid, or that you just
    "forget about it".  Speaking to your friend about how you feel is
    definitely the right thing to do so that there are no buried bad
    feelings between you.  But right now, putting it on the back burner
    until the wedding's over might be the best approach.
    
    This _is_ a touchy situation - hope you resolve it (after the
    wedding... :-) ).  Let us know...
    
                             ...Lisa V...
    

   
    I agree with the other replies so far.  Sounds like the bride is
    stressed out and not communicating. Try talking with her.
    
    My one experience as Maid of Honor was lending as much
    moral support as possible, throwing a shower long
    distance (NJ<->MA) with alot of help from the other bridesmaids.  
    On the wedding day, I spent lots of time
    straightening the bride's gown, holding flowers, doing the first
    reading at a roman catholic service (GAG!) (the bride forgot to ask me
    to do it until the dress rehearsal, she was so stressed out! :-) ) 
    and dancing the first dance with the best man at the reception.  
        
    Personally, I think you may even have a better time at the wedding
    _not_ being the Maid of Honor!
                                  
    One very-ex-catholic,
    
    Mary
                                       
    

    re:  .9  Stole the words right outta my mouth!!!
    
    I'm getting married this May.  What to I expect from my MOH?  A
    bridal shower (already given to REALLY surprise me!) and I need
    her to fix the train on my dress for pictures and hold my flowers.
    That's it.   And if I wanted her to do anything additional I'd sit
    down and ask her.  
    
    My fiance and myself did all the wedding preparations ourselves.
    My family felt left out but they didn't express that until everything
    was done.  
    
    I'll tell you one thing FOR SURE:
    
    		WEDDING PREPARATIONS = STRESS, *BIG TIME*
    
    
    If you've given your friend some time to calm down, maybe you could
    ask her exactly what that was all about.  Tell her that you weren't
    aware of any responsibilities you were supposed to be in charge
    of.  I think she should have come to you if she had a problem with
    you instead of handling it the way she did but I'm sure she's just
    totally stressed out.  I dropped 10 pounds because of all the stress
    from planning our wedding!
    
    My MOH is 3,000 miles away from me but even if she lived in the
    same town I wouldn't have expected anything from her other than
    what I mentioned.
    
    I hope things work out for you.
    
    Regards,
    
    Denise
    

This is a reply from the base note writer.

Bonnie J
comoderator

-------------------------------------------------------------------

First, thank you all for your replies, just hearing what I already
believed to be true echoed by all of you eases the pain quite a bit.

I agree with .7 that these particular friends are very critical of
anyone who doesn't live up to their pre-defined "pattern" of living,
Although I've talked with her on several occasions about MY perception
of the situation, it's very clear that she believes that her view is
"right".  What I'm currently doing is bending over backwards to
offer assistance (believe me this is not easy).  What is interesting
is that in spite of my offers of help, she hasn't as of yet asked
me for any help.  Do you think this is my "punishment"?  I'm getting
near the end of my rope, I can only offer my help so many times before
I just decide to leave it in her court and let her come to me (which
is what got me in trouble in the first place...).  Should I just 
ask her what my role is going to be and get some sort of commitment
out of her?  I hate feeling helpless but I don't want to create more
problems than I solve.

As far as your thoughts that there might be someone else she'd rather
have, I know this isn't the case.  As a matter of fact, I'm sure the
fact that she's kicked me out is creating *more* stress for her because
now she's got to find someone else for the job.  

I guess I'll just keep quiet until it's all over and see how things
look then, but I'm having a hard time believing that things will
ever be the same between us.

    re: .13
    
    If I were in your shoes, I would offer one last time.  At that time, I
    would tell her that this is the last time you are going to offer.  It
    sounds like you have been bending over backwards to please her.  If 
    someone wants my help and I offer it, they have no reason to complain 
    if they don't take me up on it.
    
    Well, that's my 2 cents.
    
    Beckie

    
    As a bride-to-be, I too, know about the stress involved!
    There's just so much to do, to plan and to remember.
    
    My MOH is throwing the bridesmaid luncheon.  Another friend is
    giving the bridal shower.  It worked better for us that way,
    as my MOH lives way up in the sticks.  
    
    It's kinda funny, you ask someone you care for to be one of
    your attendants...  and they get to pay for the honor!  Literally!
    :v)
    
    t.

    My fiance and I are having 2 Maid of Honors and 2 Best Mans.
    We both have a best friend and are both very close to our
    sister and brother.  So we figured, Why Not?
    
    Although I don't believe in them, traditionally (in my 
    family anyway) the maid of honor usually plans the shower,
    etc.  In this case the cost and planning can be shared 
    between the two.  In all the weddings I've been in
    (5, but whose counting) all the bridesmaids chipped in 
    to help plan and pay for the shower.  The Maid of Honor(s)
    and Best Man (hate that phrase) shouldn't have to foot
    the bill for the "parties."  The Moral Support that was
    mentioned earlier is what the nervous bride and groom 
    really need.
    
    Aren't I lucky, I get to have 2 people telling me to,
    "Calm Down!!"  
    
    Can't wait for July 1!!
    
    denise