Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    I have never told the story of my abortion but I feel that this
    might be a good place to express my feelings and decisions.
    
    I was 17 years old, dating someone who I wasn't particularly in
    love with but was sexually active with him.  When I became pregnant
    I was about 6 weeks from leaving for college.  
    
    I should mention that I am an only child from "over achieving" parents.
    They would never have dealt with the issue of a pregnancy other
    that to send me away as not to embarrass the family.
    
    Anyway, at the time I was underage so I went to the Feminist Health
    Center in New Hampshire.  I went alone, with just enough money to
    cover the procedure, (no anesthesia, as that cost another $150.00)
    I held my own hand, and walked out 2 hours later and drove home.
    
    The man that got me pregnant disappeared (no great loss) and I went
    home to try and not have a breakdown.  A few weeks later my mother
    found out and lost it.  My fathers reaction when I told him I had
    had an abortion was, and I quote "Oh".  
    
    I chose not to carry this child to term for a lot of reasons.  The
    most pressing was that I was totally unable to keep my own shit
    together, much less anyone else's.  I cauaght a lot of flack later
    on about not delivering and giving the child up for adoption, but
    that wasn't an option.  I was on my way to college and I couldn't
    deal with being a pregnant freshman.  If my family had found out
    they wouldn't have allowed me to stay around, much less pay for
    my year at school.  Who was going to feed me, house me and keep
    us alive till I could deliver this baby to some "deserving couple"?
    
    As I said, it was a choice I made with a lot of factors involved.
     But I do not regret the decision that I made.  I have a loving
    husband, and a son now.  Sometimes I greive a little for what might
    have been, but if I was faced with the same decision again, I would
    again terminate my pregnancy.
    
    Sue
    

The following is being entered for a noter who wishes to remain 
anonymous.
===================================================================

     Thank you for the opportunity to discuss this topic in a personal way.  
     I have been searching for the right forum for this note.  I feel that
     the 'political' discussions, without the examples of individual 
     experiences, are not able to present a full picture of the consequences 
     of the political decisions.  At the same time, the likelihood of personal
     attack from baring one's soul in an open forum are very high.  I am not
     yet strong enough to be flamed for a personal decision, made with the 
     best interests of all at heart, that will nevertheless be viewed as 
     'selfish' by many.

     
     My story:

     I was married at 20 and pregnant within 3 months of the marriage.  I
     decided to have that baby, unplanned as it was.  The first 3 months 
     of the pregnancy I lost weight from the constant vomiting.  The 
     medical staff I saw was unable to control it - and I did a poor job 
     of communicating to them how it was effecting me.  I continued to 
     have at least daily vomiting throughout the pregnancy.  Prior to the 
     delivery I began to suffer mild depression which was not diagnosed or 
     treated.  The depression continued after the delivery.

     When my baby was 2 months old, I began vomiting again.  Testing showed
     that I was, indeed, pregnant a second time.  The *doctors* had told me 
     to resume marital relations without protection, as it wouldn't be 
     necessary until my 3 month checkup.  (Dumb I know, but I was a very 
     naive 21 at that point, far from the rest of my family and with no one
     to question.)

     I saw *no way* that I could care for the child I ALREADY had if I had 
     the health problems with the second pregnancy that I had with the first.
     It appeared very likely that the problems would continue, as my 
     'symptoms' were identical to the first time.  My husband was not 
     available to be a lot of help.  He was in the military and working a 
     second job to make ends meet.  I had dropped out of college to marry 
     him, and fully expected to return and complete my degree as soon as we 
     were stationed somewhere with a school close enough for me to attend.  
     I couldn't see how I could do that with two children.  Quite frankly, 
     the timing for this pregnancy was *lousy*.  I decided to abort.  (Yes, 
     my husband was consulted.  He left the decision to me.)  Having a 
     second baby would have been a disaster for my child, my husband, me - 
     and the child that never was.

     The original plan had been that I would have a second child a few 
     years down the road.  Instead, I found myself in a marriage that 
     became increasingly angry and emotionally abusive.  When physical 
     abuse was threatened, I terminated the marriage.  The second child 
     will, now, never be.  The child I have is my strength and joy, a 
     wonderful person that I am pleased to be associated with.

     The decision to abort was relatively straight forward.  In the years
     since (I had my abortion in 1974), I have reflected on it and always 
     come to the conclusion that it was the right decision to have made.  
     This does not mean that it was easy, or that I have no regrets.  

     Aborting is always one of those decisions which changes the 
     individual's life.  Only that person can know if the change is for 
     good or bad, or just difference.  That is where the decision belongs, 
     with the person who's life will be changed.  

    This is a very difficult area for me because I'm not really sure
    how *I* feel about abortion.  I'm sure that a part of my ambivalence
    is due to my having become pregnant at the age of 19 by a man who
    (I then found out was not divorced as he had told me).  I was a
    sophomore in college.  At that time abortion was not legal.  If
    it had been I know that, inspite of my very strict religous background,
    I would have aborted the pregnancy.  Instead I stayed in school,
    had my daughter and eventually married her father.  WE were divorced
    3 years later.
    
    Today I look at my daughter and think "What if???""
    
    However, should my daughter become pregnant and choose to abort
    I would make sure that she was aware of all of the options and then
    support her decision, no matter what it was.  I suspect that I would,
    as another noter commented, mourn the loss of the grandchild but
    my daughter would be my first concern.
    
    
    decision

    When I was younger (teens - early twenties) I had the attitude
    that whatever you wanted to do with your body was okay, and that
    included abortion.  How simplistic.  Once I had felt a baby move
    inside me, experienced the birth and growth of a new human being,
    I decided that *I* could never put an end to all that potential by 
    having an abortion.  Once that baby exists, it has the right to
    its whole life, and all the growth and love that we all deserve
    to experience.  However, I do *not* choose to make judgements for
    or against those who have made other decisions.  I realize that
    their are realities to deal with, and they're not always fair.
    Society can be very harsh at times.
    
    Paula

    The following response is from a member of our community who
    wishes to remain anonymous at this time.
    
    						=maggie
    
    ============================================================
    
    Another story: 

    I had just signed for my first car (a lot of debt), I had just
    gotten my first job out of school, I had been seeing the same guy
    for about 7 months, and we had plans to be married someday, but he
    was still in school and it really wasn't feasible until he
    graduated.  I was taking precautions, but as they say, nothing is
    100% safe... 

    I was 6 weeks overdue for my period, I was gaining weight, I felt
    nauseous all the time, I KNEW something was up. I tested positive at
    Planned Parenthood. First wave of panic strikes.  I'm facing
    something I've never had to face before.  A big decision.  I was on
    several medications for a hereditary medical condition, which could
    really damage the fetus.  I couldn't afford the child, couldn't
    afford to lose my job, couldn't afford to lose my boyfriend (he
    thought it was obvious I should get an abortion). I weighed it all
    out, I came to the conclusion that an abortion was necessary in my
    particular case, I know it is not the answer for everyone, but it
    was at that point the answer for me. 

    So I made the appointment, and went, early one Saturday morning.
    And as usual outside many of these places, there were pro-lifers
    picketing with disgusting signs depicting dissected remains of
    aborted fetuses. Made me feel real good, but I felt I was doing the
    right thing and that fortified me.  My boyfriend came with me, as he
    felt really awful about my having to go through this and wanted to
    help in any way he could. 

    Cost of the procedure: $320.  An expensive mistake.  One I don't
    want to repeat. 

    And sometimes when I look around (or listen around, or read around)
    at people and their babies, I wonder what would have happened if I
    had kept mine.  I can't afford the pain that would come with having
    regrets about what I did.  It was an ordeal.  And when I hear people
    talk (in this file and elsewhere) about people getting pregnant and
    having abortions just for convenience sake, I wonder if they really
    know what they're talking about. One friend of mine who had two
    abortions (she was unmarried, in college, poor, and had a heart
    defect that could cause her death if she tried to go through with a
    pregnancy) says she still cries some nights wondering if she'll ever
    be pregnant again, and wondering if she really did "kill" her
    children. Sometimes I have the same feelings, and the same fears. 

This is a reply from a member of the community who wishes to
remain anonymous.

Bonnie J
comod

 	===================================================


	In 1977, just having graduated from high school at the ripe
	old age of 17 and anxious to get on with my adult life, I
	decided it was time to get on the pill.  Afterall, I had 
	been seeing someone for several months and it was getting
	harder and harder to say 'no'.  I made an appointment, got
	my prescription and was waiting for my next period to start
	so I could start my pills.  Unfortunately we got carried
	away (the old 'you can't get pregnant the first time') and 
	my period never came.  My boyfriend said he would support
	whatever decision I made as long as it didn't involve marriage.
	He said he'd be around...but would he?  I really couldn't be sure.

	Here I was, 17, unmarried, working at some rinky-dink summer 
	job waiting for college to start in the fall, now what do I do!

	After lots and lots of talking, crying and soul-searching *I* 
	decided to abort.  I knew I couldn't handle a child on my own 
	and I wasn't too sure I could count on my boyfriend.  

	I had to wait until I was 18 so I could do it without my parents
	permission.  It was only a couple more weeks, but it brought me
	right to the 12-week limit.  I took $250 out of my savings and
	went by myself.   

	Was it an easy decision?  no
	Was it the right decision for me at the time? yes

	There isn't an April 21 (my due date) that goes by without me 
	wondering what might have happened if.....but I truly believe 
	I did the right thing at that time in my life.  My only regret 
	is in not being able to tell my family so they could share in my 
	decision and pain, to this day they still don't know.

The following note is being entered for a member who wishes to remain 
anonymous.
================================================================

I have had four pregnancies.  The first occured when I was quite 
young.  I was not using contraception because I felt like it had 
something to do with proving that I was in love and that what would 
happen was the result of Karma, Fate, the will of God, or whatever.
I was at first quite happy about having a baby.  I imagined this 
tremendous act of love somehow entitled me to be loved and taken care 
of in return, and that we would form this ideal and loving family that 
v:I had never had.  I was fooling myself terribly, of course.  Near the end 
of the pregnancy I began to feel depressed and anxious.  My husband 
never worked a very steady job, and we were evicted for not being able 
to pay the rent.  We stayed with friends until we found a $20-a-week 
roach-infested tenement.  I swore to myself that it was only 
temporary, and that I would never bring my baby home to that place.
Of course, when the time came I had no other choice.  The only other 
option would have been to "go home to Mother", but I could not at that 
time bring myself to admit to my family that I had made a mistake.
 
I had imagined my husband to be someone other than he was.  Without 
consulting him, of course, I had expected him to be this modern and 
involved father.  After we got the baby home I discovered he "couldn't 
handle" changing diapers (and never did for over a year).  I was 
breastfeeding, so of course he couldn't get up in the middle of the night 
(every four hours around the clock for many months).  He thought I was 
being selfish when I didn't want to have sex with him after the birth 
unless he at least used a condom (I had by now changed my mind and 
decided I should have a say in what happened to me in that 
department).  In general, I was no fun anymore.
 
Around a year later, I found myself pregnant again because I had "let 
him do it" when I had run out of contraceptive supplies.  It still 
hadn't occured to me that I had the right to say "no".  Although there 
was no question but that I would go through with it, I was in a panic 
about having another baby.  I was a slavishly devoted mother but it 
was still very hard work for me.  We had left the tenement and moved 
to an isolated cottage in the woods.  I had no personal friends.  My 
family disapproved in general, and had pretty much abandoned me to the 
consequences of my decisions.  Even my old Catholic grandmother 
scolded me for getting pregnant again at this time.  Partly because 
even I hadn't wanted this baby at first, and certainly no one else 
did, I ended up feeling particularly strong protective feelings toward 
this unborn child.  In both feeling very much unwanted, we had a special 
bond.  Near the end of that pregnancy, I became hysterical when our 
Medicaid was discontinued.  I was afraid of not having doctor and a 
hospital to deliver the baby.  The newspaper had just had a story of 
woman who was forced to deliver in a car because the hospital would 
not admit her without a doctor, and she owed her doctor money and he 
refused to do the jobs0y (and no other doctor would take her).  My 
husband told me I was a "spoiled middle-class brat".  We ended up not 
telling the doctor the Medicaid had gone away, and the hospital ended 
up writing us off as one of their legally-mandated community charity 
cases.
 
Eight months after the birth, I again couldn't say no, although I had no 
contraception.  I was promised that he would withdraw and I would be 
safe.  He did not do so because "it felt so good".  I was exactly at the 
ovulation point in my cycle and I KNEW.  At that moment, I think I 
could have killed him.  I felt like my whole life as a human being was 
worth less than a few seconds of his pleasure.  I cannot communicate 
the sense of annihilation that I felt at that time.  The next day I 
started drinking pots of tansy and pennyroyal tea (reputed to be 
herbal abortifacents).  I went through much guilty thought about this.  
At the time, I believed a weird mixture of Christianity, Hindu, and 
Buddhist philosophy.  I ended up concluding that ideals weren't worth 
anything if you weren't willing to die for them, and that I had the 
ideal that human life was sacred.  I stopped drinking the tea, and 
resigned myself like a martyr to yet another pregnancy.  In my third 
month, I had a natural miscarriage.  Although it caused me a strange 
kind of grief, I felt like it was a divine reprieve.  A few months 
later I ended up going out and getting a job at Digital.
 
About a year later I left my husband.  I had a steady job, which was 
more than he had ever done.  It paid very little, but I was beginning 
to get the feeling that I could accomplish something and get rewarded 
for it.  I was shelling out over half my income in day care and 
sleeping and eating on the floor because we had no furniture, but I 
was beginning to feel like I had a future.  I again found myself 
pregnant, this time a true birth control failure using a reliable 
method (diaphram).  The father was a man with whom I had an affair, 
whose interest in me I found flattering because my own self-esteem was 
still crawling up from the wreckage.   He wanted to marry me, but I 
knew without a doubt that do so would be to disappear as a human being 
for good.  Even though I had not necessarily resolved for myself 
whether or not the fetus was true "life" at that time, there 
was no doubt in my mind that for me, the right thing to do was to have 
an abortion.  In many ways, it was a question of whether *I* had the 
right to life or not, and in the end, I decided that I did.
 
Having had babies before, of course I recognized the early signs of 
pregnancy.  Feeling that little bubble of life distressed me, because 
I knew that it would be harder and harder to act as the feeling became 
more real.  I went to a clinic where they offered general anesthesia.  
I really did not want to know what was happening.  They ended up being 
unable to give it to me after I got there for the procedure.  I tuned 
out and stared at the ceiling.  The father waited in the waiting room 
for me, and he paid half the bill.  I think he grieved, but we never 
spoke about it.
 
All this happened over 10 years ago.  I do not regret the decision I 
made to abort.  For me, it was an important part of deciding that MY 
life mattered and that I had a right to control it.  I'm not likely to 
ever have to make that kind of decision again myself, but when I think 
of women losing the right to make that decision for themselves, I feel 
a kind of personal panic.  Being forced to bear an unwanted child 
feels to me like a rape of one's life, a violation of self that is 
more profound even than just having your body taken away from you.
For me now, the sacredness of life means the right of every woman to 
choose her own.

    I have an earliers reply about abortion entered under another topic;
    however, to answer the current basenote, I was a single parent with
    5 children at home, on welfare, just starting to college, and I
    knew that, as much as I had always been against abortion in the
    past, I would abort.  I was alone when I went to the clinic.  I
    had borrowed the money from a friend.  Only three close friends
    knew of my plans and my 14 year old daughter (in case something
    happened).  The woman who had counseled me about all my options
    prior to the abortion, held my hand during the procedure. Afterward,
    I was seated in a recovery area with other women who had had the
    procedure done that afternoon also.  We didn't speak and made very
    little eye contact.  After 45 minutes or so, I was free to go, and
    I met one of my closest friends by prearrangement, so I could talk
    about the experience and my feelings about it.  In looking back,
    I still believe it was the right decision for me.  If I had to do
    it over again, in the same situation, I would make the same choice
    with no apologies to anyone.  I have never had a problem with remorse
    over my choice--once I had made the decision, there was no room
    for regrets.
    
    Barb

The following is being entered for a noter who wishes to remain anonymous:
==========================================================================

I was 30.  Old enough chronologically to have known better, but
emotionally very young.  I was in the middle of a psychologically
violent divorce.  The man I was living with had been pronounced sterile
*TWICE* by the wonderful world of medicine.  And we got pregnant in spite
of that.  I say we because he is one of those supportive men, who shouldered
his half of the responsibility.  Neither of us wanted a child.  Ever.
I found out I wasn't cut out for children by camping in the wilderness
with another couple and a very unhappy 1 year old that was teething
and had diaper rash and cried constantly.  This aside from the fact
that from childhood I have not had one ounce of so called maternal
instinct.  On his part, he never wanted a child.  

There wasn't a lot of verbal discussion.  We were shocked it happened and
were somewhat in shock when choosing the option.  I was very sick physically
during what little bit of pregnancy there was.  Because of that
I think I found the decision easier to deal with.  From a psychological
perspective I was barely surviving.  At some level of my being the
decision to abort was very much a decision of choosing survival.  This
was a perception that he shared.  He saw the pregnancy destroying
what little of me there was left.  He went with me, held my hand, 
took care of me.

That was the easy part.  And that was the part where the 'we-ness'
ceased to be.  I was having serious psychological problems brought
on by the divorce.  I was exhibiting symptoms of border-line personality
disorder (strong self-distructive tendencies, mood swings, inordinate
anger.)  And I was depressed, not badly enough to be locked up but
badly enough to begin impacting job performance.  I dropped an abortion
into that volitile mess.  I had massive guilt which I couldn't rationalize
away.  Sex was dead for me.  I equated sex with the abortion.  I don't
usually kill the bugs in my house, and here I had blithly killed a
whatever - it didn't matter to me whether or not it was a human - 
it was a collection of living cells.  That's how my thinking - such
that it was - was going at the time.  He did not understand this.
He was logical, he knew what he believed and he didn't feel any guilt
because, as I have later come to understand, to him it was a question
of my survival.

Another thing that resulted from the pregnancy/abortion was that I 
trashed my belief in god.  I could not reconcile my action of killing
with the punitive judgmental god I believed in, nor could I view
the pregnancy as anything other than sheer betrayal by god.  I had
no concept of a loving god, and it was easier to dismiss the punitive
god than to try and reconcile it all.

The abortion haunted me for 4 years.  I couldn't make love without
killing my feelings because all I could remember was that the last time
I didn't worry I got pregnant.  (I had been on the pill since a month
after the abortion.)  My psychiatrist and I and my husband (the 'him'
from above,) tried to work through the abortion countless times.  Nothing
fixed it for me.  And then two things happened.  The first was that
the stress of living finally got to me and I became very ill.  The 
medication from that illness had the miraculous effect of curing what
had been thought to be situational depression.  We've since found other
medication to augment the biochemistry of my brain so that the quality of
my life has improved tremendously.  This change led to a lot of thinking on
my part.  I've managed to resolve my difficulties with god.  I've managed
to get over the guilt of the abortion.  And for the first time in
4 years I've experienced making love without the retributive haunting
of the abortion.

I'm not sure of exactly what I'm trying to say with this very long account.
It's important to me that I can now write about it.  This would
not have been possible a year ago.  And also, I think that I want
to provide an account for the people who think that the decision
to abort is made lightly and easily forgotten.

    Shortly after Rick & I were married, we had an 'accident' and turned
    up pregnant.  We did not want children [to be more accurate I
    wanted children 'later' and he didn't want any, and were agreed
    to discuss it 'later.']
    
    We were both horrified.  None of the choices looked appealing _at_all_.
    We did not want a child.  We didn't think we [married as we were]
    would be allowed to choose adoption. [short of something criminal
    like abandonment]  Neither one of saw abortion as the answer as
    there were no real quality of life or mental/physical wellness issues
    at stake, it just didn't feel _right_. [we are both _stridently_
    pro-Choice. this was _our_ choice]. It was a tough decision,
    lose-lose-lose all around.
    
    We decided to have the child.  She was beautiful & perfect.  She
    died six weeks later.  We loved her.
    
    However, if we had not met with such intense hostility and formidable
    barriers when we approached agencies about adoption, we almost
    certainly given adoption VERY SERIOUS consideration.

    The following response is from a member of our community who wishes
    to remain anonymous at this time.
    
    						=maggie
    
    ===================================================================
    
    This is not my personal decision but one of a very close friend of
    mine. I seem to be continually thinking about her and wish there was
    something I could do to help.  I wouldn't wish this decision on my
    worst enemy, it is not an easy one.  Right now she's having a very hard
    time making her decision. 
                                                        
    She's young, a senior in college and single.  Should she try to finish
    school while she's pregnant?  She's tired and doesn't seem to have the
    energy to stay up late and study.  Finals will be approaching when the
    baby is due. 

    What about housing?  She can't live in a dorm any more and apartments
    around school are much more expensive.  She's looking into subsidized
    housing and food stamps as an option. 
                                                         
    What about graduation next year?  Will she be able to graduate. 
                                           
    Her job prospects are slim, she has a liberal arts degree.  She was
    planning on getting a masters degree, but the program she was going to
    be admitted to requires a two year commitment.  Will having a baby allow
    her to do this? Probably not. 

    She's in debt up to her eyeballs with school loans.  She has a car loan
    on a car that's about to die. And a prospect of making about 14k when
    she graduates. She could go on welfare she says.  Is that how she wants
    her child to grow up? 

    What about prenatal care?  She has no health insurance and no money. 

    What about adoption?  Well she knows the adoption scene pretty well,
    since she has done some work with it.  She also knows that minority
    children have a slim chance of being adopted, her child could end up
    waiting to be adopted for the rest of its life. 

    What about the father?  He thinks she's lying.  They didn't even make
    love and he doesn't even think you can conceive the first time.
    Besides he's very far away.  There was no relationship, just some
    passion, that she finally said no to, but obviously it was too late.
    The good ol' sperm on the tip trick and the tip got too close. 

    She does want a baby some day and she is very loving and great with
    children. But when it comes right down to it she doesn't feel
    emotionally or financially equipped to deal with pregnancy and a child
    right now. I know how difficult this decision is, you must be sure of
    it, cuz either way you must live with your decision for the rest of
    your life. 

    So what is she going to do?  I don't know I'm just a friend.  I'm there
    to listen and I'm there to support her no matter what she does.  She
    said a funny thing to me on the phone the other day "My parents would
    be shocked, they think I'm so perfect.." and I tried to remind her that
    she isn't any less perfect because of the situation she is in.  She is
    still a wonderful person, no matter her decision. 

    And it is her decision and hers alone. 

    
    
    Is private adoption an option?  Rather than going thru an
    agency, and allowing someone else to 'control' the situation,
    could she find a couple that is willing to adopt?  Of course,
    time is of the essence here, so this may not be a viable solu-
    tion...
    
    Deb
    
    

    Private adoption is not necessarily an automatically 'safe' or less
    controlling option...case in point...Joel Goldstein and the nightmare
    he created for two birth mothers, the birth mothers' children, and his
    lover, Hedda.  A single, pregnant woman still has to suffer through the
    ill treatment that still exists in this society at the hands of the
    medical establishment.  Even though we look upon adoption as a loving
    thing, and what it best for the baby, in reality, many of the people
    that this woman would come in contact with during her process of
    prenancy, birth and surrender, would treat her with inhumanity and
    contempt because there is still the very real judgement that takes
    place of..."how could a woman give up her child."
    
    As for having control in a private adoption, the only way this woman
    would have control would be to hire an attorney to represent her
    interests in the matter.  Can she afford an attorney at $125/hour?
    
    Dealing with a licensed agency, and hopefully one that is more
    progressive regarding informed or open adoptions, would increase the
    chances of the adoption being handled in a legal and ethical manner. 
    Although there are many stories of agencies never placing the child
    with an adoptive family because it was discovered (after the mother had
    terminated parental rights) that the child was 'defective' and ended up
    in an institution.  Besides which, at *any* time, and I mean *any*,
    after the adoption becomes final, the adoptive parents can give the
    child back to the agency if the adoption doesn't 'work out'.  There is
    not much said about failed adoptions, but they happen more frequently
    than this society is willing to admit.  More often than not, these
    children/victims of failed adoptions end up in institutions...the
    agencies do not contact the birth mothers to see if they are in a
    better financial/personal place and could potentially get their
    children back.  It is still very important in this society to punish
    bad women, bad mothers.  Bad women are women who get pregnant without
    the 'benefit' of being legally owned by a man, bad mothers are women
    who give their children up for adoption.
    
    Laura
     

    Re: .14
    
    > Private adoption is not necessarily an automatically 'safe' or less
    > controlling option...case in point...Joel Goldstein and the nightmare
    
    His name is Joel Steinberg, but what the hell, all those Jewish names
    sound similar, anyway.
    
      Alan 

A reminder that this topic is for sharing personal experiences
-- it is not a discussion type of topic.

thanks.

    A member of this file has asked me to post this note anonymously
    for her.
                                           Holly Hendricks
                                           "former mod"
    ===============================================================
    
    
    I raised my daughter alone after my husband left us.  I received no
support from him, and I had no money.  My daughter and I did not go on 
vacations. Many times I worked two jobs.  We lived in a one bedroom 
basement apartment furnished by the welfare department.  Then I went to a 
state-funded school to learn a skill, and I did.  Then I went to work full 
time, and then I came to Digital, and since then, I have learned more 
professional skills, and have gone back to college.  I am no longer on 
welfare, needless to say...in ten years' we have grown emotionally,
professionally and financially.  And we even take a week off each
summer for vacation.

I tell you this because I found out this weekend that my daughter is pregnant.
And there are people out there who want to force my child to have
another child--to force her to give up her plans for a successful life;
they want her to raise a baby, in what would be another life of single
parenting and poverty.  My daughter is not a bad or immoral 
person.  She is sensitive, she is kind, she is smart. She has plans for her 
life.  She is well liked by everyone who meets her.  She also made a careless 
mistake.  And she will not go unscathed.   She will carry this mistake with
her for the rest of her life.  BUT should she give up *her* life
because of this *one* careless mistake?   If she were to carry this
fetus, she would be destined to a life of poverty, once again.  Believe
me, I know how hard it is to come out of that alive--there is no
quality of life when there is not enough money for basic living, when
there is no time for leisure, or for that matter, not even enough time
for *rest*.

I am scared to death of what's going to happen to my daughter, physically,
emotionally,  and spiritually.  She is so easily hurt; she will have such 
a difficult time accepting what has happened, what she has to do, what her 
responsibility is.  Yes, she will be ending her pregnancy and what scares me 
the most is the cruelty and the violence the 'pro-life' people display at 
the clinics.

I have tried to protect her from bullies, from mean people.  I have
warned her to be careful when going out, I taught her to beware of
strangers...and now, this child is in the position of being accosted
by a mob--and they are a mob--who would rather protect a mass of
unborn cells than  a person who is already living life, who can
and will make a difference to this world, who has proven herself
to be a good human being, and who, in many way, is still a child
herself.

To all of you 'pro-lifers', I ask that you lay off these people
who have had to make such a difficult decision.  You are not
in the position to make this decision for them.  How can you
assume to know what these women are going through?   Do you care
about the already-living human beings that these people are, or 
are you simply trying to punish and humiliate them at
a time in their lives when they are already feeling vulnerable,
afraid, and hurt?   

Believe me, being faced with an impossible pregnancy is a major crisis--my 
daughter needs care, compassion, understanding.  She also needs
to straighten out her head and her life.  Being accosted by a violent mob is
not going to help her, and it certainly is not going to stop
the abortion.  

                                                       

    RE: 17
    
    I am in total agreement with what you said.
    
    My heart goes out to you and your daughter.  I hope everything turns
    out well for you both.
    
    -Dotti.

    re. 17 --
    
    Take care of both of you; do what you have to do; and find peace
    in the knowledge that you've done your best.
    
    Like you the specters of women losing control over their own bodies is 
    hitting me more in regard to my daughter than it ever did in regard to 
    myself.  Fortunately we haven't had to face the situation you and
    your daughter are facing -- yet.  But how can anyone who has a daughter
    who is sexually mature yet still dependent rest comfortably knowing
    that someone out there wants to control her destiny?  Indeed, has
    the audacity to think they have the _right_ to control her destiny?
    
    My thoughts and best wishes are with both of you.
    Karen  

    I admire the support and the sensitivity I've seen in this topic,
    but *please* make sure that the topic follows the basenote, and
    should someone perchance seek to discuss abortion itself, they should
    use topic 183....
    
    thanks,
    
    -Jody
    

    An update from the author of .17      - Holly
    
     --------------------------------------------------------------
    
    Subj:	An update, please enter anonymously again; p.s.  I am livid
    from the experience! 

Yesterday my daughter terminated her pregnancy. She went to a legal,
safe, and clean Planned Parenthood clinic.  There were about 25 other
women waiting, ages ranging from 11 through about 30.

Yesterday was probably the hardest day of my life.  I waited and watched
these women come in, go out.  I am totally convinced that NO ONE IS 
PRO ABORTION.  Not one woman in that clinic wanted to be there; no one
looked or acted as if this was 'just another day'; NO ONE TOOK THEIR
ORDEAL LIGHTLY.  We were sad in that clinic yesterday; we were aware
of the realities, we felt the losses, BUT we, each one, had to make
her own decision and to live by that decision.  In my daughter's situation,
it was the *only* decision she/I could live with.  

To get into the clinic, we had to get past a dozen or so 'pro-lifers';
a *priest* who was chanting, 'adoption not abortion'.  How dare he/they!
How dare he!  Here is a *man* for god's sake, who will never experience
pregnancy, who doesn't even have to pay for his food, clothing, shelter, 
who doesn't even have to pay taxes, and he's telling an 11 year old that 
she should have a baby!  I am appalled and sickened by these 'pro-lifers'; 
they are a dangerous, dangerous group of people.

Our ordeal has strengthened our commitment to keep all facilities such
as Planned Parenthood open.  We must not ever become complacent again.
I'm convinced that women have to fight and continue to fight to assure
that we are never again ruled by a class of people who don't care what
happens to us, whether or not we live or not. 

We must win this war.  Our very lives are hanging in the balance.

    
                          <** Moderator Response **>

    Might I ask that respondents avoid making political statements about
    abortion in this string.  Political commentary and argument should go
    into 183.*.  If you see and are tempted to respond to some political
    comment that's incidental to a personal narrative, please try to
    reconstrue it instead as a rhetorical statement that requires no
    response.
    
    Abortion and the larger social issues for which it's the stalking horse
    are extremely difficult and vexatious ones, and while it's quite
    natural to want to add a little political commentary to any related
    topic, actually giving in to the desire causes the file to become
    polluted in a depressingly short time.  
    
    Thank you.
    
    						=maggie

    I am not saying this to be callous or cold, and I know that maybe
    this seems like bad timing, but within a month or two, your daughter
    will be fertile again. Please, with all of the loving advice you
    can, help her make sound, firm birth control decisions, NOW.
    
    The best thing for me was to quickly jump back into the swing of
    things. Your daughter may be quite relieved to find that the belly
    bulge disappears, as will the morning sickness. I hope in these
    summer months, you'll do some fun things with her, and possibly
    help her discover her dreams so that her control of her body becomes
    second nature as a tool for keeping those dreams alive.
                     
    Above all, I hope you feel strongly enough that she did the right
    thing to convey it to her appropriately, while at the same time
    making sure that she recognizes that what she has done is not the
    best conversation piece in the world. 11 is not a good time to endure
    ridicule from one's peers. Its not the sex that will be the killer,
    but the fact that her body caught her doing it...
    
    I truly wish you both a speedy spiritual recovery.

	It will take months even years for your daughter to recover,
	she may cry at night or be very moody for seemingly no reason
	or she may try to adopt someone else who has a child the age
	her's would have been.  I don't know what you can do but to
	help her work though the loss.  She needs to morn.

	_peggy

    A thank you from the writer of the anonymous notes.
                                   --Holly                                                  
    
    --------------------------------------------------
    
Thank you everyone for your kindness. It has helped me to get through this
difficult week.

I realized this week that an impossible pregnancy is more than a nuisance--
it is a tragedy.  Abortion if more than a procedure, it is a trauma.
There are no winners in these situations--only victims.

My daughter will begin psychotherapy next week; I will continue mine.
Hopefully, we will work through this and learn something from it.

Thank you again.

    I am entering this reply for a member of the community who wishes to
    remain anonymous.  If you'd care to respond via mail, please send it to
    me and I'll pass it along.
    
    -Jody
    
____________________________________________

    
    I have debated long and hard adding this story.  This has been the most
    difficult experience of my life so far, and I am still attempting to
    deal with the aftermath.  This is as close to a nervous breakdown as I
    ever  want to get.

    I am 37, divorced, single parent to a teenager.  About 3 months ago I
    was introduced to a man (let's call him Bill) that had a lot of common 
    activities with me, including two which require a great deal of skill
    to  participate.  His skill level and mine are equal, and this is the
    first  time in 12 years of participating in one of these activities
    that this  has been true.  I was, quite frankly, delighted.  We hit it
    off immediately  and became intimate fairly quickly.

    At this point things started to turn into a soap opera.  He had been
    seeing a woman who was separated, but not yet divorced.  Her husband
    had abandoned her when their baby was born 3 years ago.  The husband is
    a part-time police officer.  Turned out that Bill was driving without a
    license because of a  drunk driving arrest last summer.  The husband
    set up a trap for Bill and had him arrested.  This set up some
    significant legal problems.  Bill was then laid off from his job two
    weeks before Christmas, and was thrown out of his apartment one week
    later.  At this point, I offered to let him stay with me, which he
    agreed to.  The difficulty was that he continued to participate in
    activities with the 'former' girlfriend and her friends, as that was
    his primary friendship network.  I was generally not included in these
    activities. This set up a pattern of behavior which had a significant
    impact on my interpretation of later events.

    Early in January  I discovered that I was *very* unexpectedly pregnant. 
    His  immediate reaction was denial, the test had to be wrong.  He then
    went to the other friends' and spent about 5 days with them, trying to
    come to grips with the situation.  Meanwhile, I had to decide what I
    wanted to do.  My immediate reaction was to abort, but I felt very
    strongly that the father also deserved consideration in the
    decision-making process.  Difficult to accomplish when he wasn't there. 
    When he came back, it turned out that he  wanted me to have the baby. 
    He has never been married, and when he found that he could have
    children, he liked the idea.  

    His family is very militantly Pro-Life, and one of his sisters is
    unable to  have children.  He was willing to consider marriage, but was
    uncertain that  we would be able to make it work.  There was an offer,
    through his family,  of significant money to be paid to me to have the
    child and allow his sister  to adopt it.  (There are significant
    religious differences between me and his  family, and I *would not*
    agree to have any child of mine raised in their  church.)  I found the
    offer itself insulting.  
    
    There was total refusal on the part of his family (and I wound up
    talking with both his father and one of his sister's in addition to him
    before this was over) to believe that anyone would find a cause for
    despair rather than rejoicing in any pregnancy.  At no time did any of
    his family ask how I was doing physically (poorly, I was vomiting  at
    least once a day and was on a very limited menu of stuff that would
    stay down).  They never asked what it would mean to my existing family
    to add two new members (my son had developed an active dislike of Bill
    because he had gotten rip-roaring drunk in the wake of this one night). 
    They never asked what of my hopes, dreams, plans, and ambitions would
    be put on the shelf if I had this baby.  Instead they talked about the
    importance of 'carrying on the family name', 'my grandchild',
    completely ignoring the fact that it would be *my* child.

    Fortunately, all of my friends that I told about the situation felt
    that this  pregnancy was a disaster and would be bad for me to
    continue.  I got really tremendous support from them.  

    From my perspective, I felt I had two choices.  I could abort and lose
    this man  as a lover, friend and activity-mate, or I could continue the
    pregnancy and eventually - probably sooner rather than later - raise
    the child alone.  For  me, this would be like raising a second
    generation.  Could I do it financially - yes.  Could I do it physically
    - yes, but with difficulty.  (I've been  watching my peers with infants
    and toddlers, and it is draining.)  Could I do it emotionally - maybe,
    and probably not without support.  I'm just not good with infants and
    toddlers.  Would I eventually wind up resenting the baby, as all of the
    things I have been putting on hold until my current child is 'out of
    the nest' were given up forever - yes.  Realistically, all I could
    foresee was a very difficult pregnancy, done mostly without emotional
    support from  the father, and then drawn-out and protracted struggles
    between me and his family over how the child would be raised.  Adoption
    was an option I considered and rejected, especially after reading the
    adoption triad notes in this file. I couldn't picture explaining to a
    young adult 20 years from now why I had given them up when I am
    physically and financially able to raise him/her.  I  decided to
    terminate the pregnancy.  Bill's family blamed *him* for my decision.

    It is over and done.  I have indeed lost Bill, although it is proving
    to be anything but a clean break-up.  The tactics of his family, and
    their  disregard for me, have been so incredibly hurtful that I am
    about to go  into therapy.  It baffles me how *anyone* can so
    completely disregard me as a person, and instead see only an incubator. 
    Now, all I can do is pray to find some peace.

    To Bonnie Reinke, who originally recommended "Abortion and the Politics
    of Motherhood", my gratitude.  Because I had read the book, I knew what
    the arguments and attitudes I encountered would be.  I am the
    stereotypical pro-choicer in demographic background.  Bill's family
    fits the pro-life stereotype equally well.  It helped me to be strong
    at a point when I  needed to be.   
    

    Re: .28
    
    It took a lot of courage to make that decision.  If I can be of
    any support during this time, please write me at SLOVAX::HASLAM
    or HENRYY::HASLAM_BA.
    
    Best Wishes and Warmest Hugs,
    Barb

You survived, and this is probably the hardest point of your recovery.
I hope you find the resources to heal yourself.  I admire you for going
through with this and really searching inside yourself.  That's not an
easy process.

Are there any women's support groups in your area?

Carla

    This reply isn't in direct reply to the most recent story of a decision
    to have an abortion.  It is general but pertains to the topic
    discussion.
    
    There seem to be so many extraneous factors/people that come into play. 
    Relatives, friends, SO's, preachers, doctors, counselors, notesfile
    contributors, perfect and imperfect strangers.
    
    IMHO, there are only three individuals directly involved in the
    decision to have or not have an abortion.  They are the parents and the
    unborn offspring.  Everyone else is noise level and should be
    respectfully ignored in my opinion.  Once these extraneous people have
    been given their fair share of one's attention (0%), then one can be
    free to focus on the decision.  The life that is growing within the
    mother is going to be allowed to continue to develop, to grow and be
    born, or it is not.  This has been given the doublespeak terminology
    "terminating pregnancy" and "reproductive choice".  In my opinion,
    these are lovely, sterile, doctor's office terms which in no way reflect
    the real implications of the choice at hand.  One can make a lovely
    decision tree with all the what-ifs and wherefores laid out on a
    gridsheet, even putting weights on each of the decision points and
    useing a computer to run the numbers.  In the end, the decision is
    whether the parents will allow their unborn product to continue along
    the natural course of development or not.  It seems to me that this is
    a large enough decision in itself without tying in all the extraneous
    issues.
    
    When that decision has been made, and if the decision is to allow the
    development to proceed naturally, then the other issues of how/where/
    with whom the child will be reared can be sorted out.  These are
    serious considerations and ought to be dealt with seriously.  However,
    they are secondary to the primary decision of allowing development or
    not, IMHO.
    
    I hope I've put in enough IMHO's to allow this reply to stay readable,
    and it is certainly not meant as criticism to any individual in this
    notesfile or out.  They are my musings and I own them.
    
    regards,
    Marge

>    IMHO, there are only three individuals directly involved in the
>    decision to have or not have an abortion.  They are the parents and the
>    unborn offspring. 

Yes.

Unless the pregnant person is a young girl, and the functional parent of
the baby will be *her* mother or father.

Unless the woman is married to a man who is not the father of the child.

Unless the woman has other children...

Unless all sorts of things, where the existence of the child effects other
people's lives as profoundly as it affects the parents'.

D!

PS: I am not saying these people should have a *say* in the woman's decision
whether or not to have an abortion...just that they should not be *ignored*...
their lives are intimately involved with the decision too.

    
    As usual, I must enter the cautionary warning (although the previous
    two notes are *very* tactful and *very* carefully worded, thank you)
    that if the discussion moves to the actual topic of "abortion" itself,
    please take the replies to topic 183, and make sure the responses 
    follow the guidelines in 183.779.
    
    -Jody
    

    I strongly request that these notes (.31ff) be moved to 183.  The
    discussion is interesting but does not belong here -- especially 
    one sentence in .31.  It *do* think the subject is worth pursuing, and
    would add that the woman's physician should definitely be included when
    making the decision!
    
    Nancy  

    I have no problem with the notes being moved, if that's what is
    desired.
    
    Marge

    The following response is from a member of our community who wishes to
    remain anonymous at this time.
    
    							=maggie
    
    =======================================================================
    
    Several months ago I asked one of the moderators to post anonomously my
    feelings for a friends abortion.  She has since had the abortion and
    gotten on with her life.  She has reached several goals and is pursuing
    others, those goals would have never been reached had she had the
    child.  Simple things like moving out and getting her own apartment,
    graduating from college, pursuing a career etc.

    The following is a poem she wrote for her women's study class. It's
    about how she felt after she had her abortion. 

    Mandatory Motherhood
        or shot-gun wedding?
    Or the instrument of choice,
        Knitting needle, hanger, douche of Clorox.
    Perhaps a trip to an alley with an abortionist
        who favors alcohol to anesthesia
        and dirty fingernails to gloves.
    Who undresses you with his eyes
        before you can undress yourself.
    Waking up to find the person you thought would help you,
        helping himself to you.

    She didn't have to risk her life
        or her soul
    She didn't have to become a mother
        of an unwanted child
    She had a choice,
        though her decision wasn't easy.
    She was reminded that there are never
        any easy answers
    Her thoughts were clouded by emotions
        and never ending nausea
    She was a believer in choice, but never thought
        it would be a choice She would have to make.
    
    She would have to live with Her decision
        A decision that was not made in haste 
        Nor without fear
    But a decision that was right for Her, at that time.
    
    She fought Her way through the picketers
        She tried to block their voices.
    Inside She wondered and waited...
        White, Black, Asian, poor and wealthy,
        old and young, oh so very young, 
        all waiting together.
    
    Her name was called, the process began
       She was not treated like a murderer
    But talked to, and helped
        Counselled and cared for
    
    Nothing was overlooked, everything explained.
        She was safe.  Scared but safe.
    It began.................
        ................and ended.
    
    It wasn't easy no one ever said it would be.
    
    As She left,  She cried,
        and cried.
    Not for reasons of doubt,
        but for reasons of fear.

    She is fearful for the women whose only choice
        is a hanger and a knitting needle.
    She is fearful for the future women 
        because women have no safe choice
    
    She is fearful people will forget about the back alleys
        and not stand up for their rights.
    She is fearful that freedom is being lost
        and along with controlling our bodies, they'll control our minds
    
    Who is this woman?
        Maybe She is your sister, maybe She is your friend.
    Who is this woman?
        She is me.