Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    Speaking from experience, first look at how you see yourself.  Are
    you satisfied with what you're doing, both internally and externally.
    I have found that when the balance is off, extreme behavior shows
    up (like the  hormones doing the cha-cha-cha...)  An affair is like
    a rich dessert...satisfying at the time, but not at all fulfilling
    in the long run.  In the end, it's a way of avoiding what's really
    going on.
    
    Take a good honest look at how you see yourself and your marriage
    and see how it adds up.  What would happen if your husband found
    out about the affairs?  Is it worth losing him?
    
    If you'd like to talk further off-line, feel free to contact me.
    I hope you're able to resolve the situation.
    
    Judi
    

    Re: .0
    
    >I've discussed my needs with my husband and he just seems to think
    >that I'm a sex addict or nympho.  He just doesn't have the same sex
    >drive I have.
    
    It would probably help if he realized that your sex drives are not
    the same.  He can't help you come up with a solution to the situation
    if you don't agree on the root cause.

    Since it sounds like your are feeling out of control with your
    behaviour, and in this case I mean sex as compulsion vs. a real
    choice that you make, I would suggest Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
    (SLAA) as a place where you might find some help.  SLAA is structured
    on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), and although I have
    not been to SLAA meetings, I have been able to stay away from a drink
    and drug (one day at a time) for nearly 7 years.  At least in terms
    of the treatment of alcoholism, this program works for many.  I
    would suspect that SLAA would have like results when dealing with
    compulsive sex.           
    
    Laura
    

   	I don't know if this will help but I can tell you of my experience
    in learning about myself.  I have never been married but I went
    throught a time where sex was the only thing that really made me
    feel happy.  I was not happy with myself and my situation so I used
    sex to get the attention I needed and to avoid having to look inside
    to see what the problem really was.
         
    	I found that I had kept buried deep inside myself many negative
    feelings.  I felt I wasn't in control of my life, my situations,
    that I wasn't "good" enough....lots of very self distructive things.
    
    	I also found that having, what I call, random sex was not making
    me feel much better.  I finally sat down one day with a pen and
    notebook and started writing out how I was feeling and why.  I began
    to see all the negative things I was feeling coming out on the paper.
    As I'd read over what I had written I was able to find and discard
    the baggage that I had been carrying around.  As each thing was
    dealt with and discarded, I felt better and better about me.
    
    	I don't know if this approach would work for you.  I've had
    a couple of friends try it and they have discovered many things
    about themselves.
    
    	I wish you the best of luck with your situation.
    
    	Vicki

ummmm ...

>  constantly looking and requiring the acceptance
>  of several men.  Maybe it's just my way of feeling secure or wanted?


>  discussed my needs with my husband and he just seems to
>  think that I'm a sex addict or nympho.  

I'm not quite clear on your message.  Does "the acceptance" 
translate as 
             sexual only?  or sexual primarily?
             both emotional and sexual?

    
    
    > Maybe it's just my way of feeling secure or wanted?
    
    	It's the way of the world; you're no different than _most_ of
    us on our planet who have yet to find _most_ of their "security"
    in and of *themselves*. The apparent need to be "constantly looking"
    will just dissappear when you find it; the catch is that it's in
    "the last place you'd ever look" - within yourself.
    
    	The two previous suggestions for proceding were excellent. Try
    'em!
    
    	Joe Jas

    re .0, I rented a movie over the weekend which ties in with this
    topic.  If you've never seen it, you might find it interesting.
     It's called "She's Gotta Have It."  It's a low budget film, written
    and directed by Spike Lee, and it received critical acclaim when
    it was released.  It is a comedy but it brings up some interesting
    points.
    
    Lorna
     

    
     I know this might sound risky, but you should be totaly honest
    with your husband. If he is as wonderful as you say, he will not
    go off the "deep end" if you tell him of your affairs. This might
    be what he needs to hear if he is taking your problem lightly. 
    (i.e. telling you that your a nympho etc.) It might spark him
    into giving you more attention and love. Some people need more
    love, touching, lovemaking, hugs etc. than others. And have been
    unfairly labeled "Nympho". 
       I bet most married men would LOVE to have more affectionate wifes!!!
    
    Jack
    

    From the author of the basenote
    --------------------------------
    
    I would like to thank all of you for caring and writing to me whether
    personally or via this note.  Your insight has helped me tremendously!
    I no longer feel like the bad person that society makes women feel like
    when they enjoy sex or have the strong desire to have it all the time. 
    
    Does that make any sense???
    
    Well, I don't plan on telling my husband of my indescretions at this
    time. And I may never tell him.  I don't believe he would even suspect
    me of it. I don't think he'd blame me though.  There's been enough
    warning signals thrown his way to wake him up and aside from our sex
    life or lack of it, our marriage is great. 
    
    Thank you all again.

    
    to the author of the base note.
    
     In the November 1988 issue of Reader's Digest, there's a good article
    on this subject.
    
    jack