| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 220.1 | Some thoughts.. | MEMV03::BULLOCK | Flamenco--NOT flamingo!! | Fri Sep 30 1988 13:07 | 24 |
| This note makes me feel a variety of emotions--sorrow, rage,
compassion--but not disbelief. One of my "outside" activities is
teaching self-defense seminars, and in teaching them I have heard
more stories like these than I like to believe is possible.
I'm not going to state the obvious here--that this is a horrible
fact of life for some people. The author of this note has my empathy,
and my prayers for her life to be serene.
When something like this happens to you, two things (of the many)
you need are 1. Someone to believe you, and 2. A way to feel confident
and good about yourself. Knowing how to defend yourself doesn't
have to be a big investment of your time or money. It pays off
BIG when you can feel that you can DO something about what's happening
to you; even just knowing a few "tricks" can help your self-esteem
greatly. No one deserves to be victimized.
If the author of this note cares to contact me about resources,
please send mail to MEMCL1::BULLOCK.
Jane
|
| 220.2 | The Victim | SLOVAX::HASLAM | | Fri Sep 30 1988 13:48 | 31 |
| I believe, my friend, that what those of us who have been in physically
and emotionally abusive situations have experienced is called "terror".
I'm sure you remember that point beyond fear, when your only thoughts
were This-can't-be-happening-to-me-it-must-be-a-nightmare-and-I'll-wakeup-
soon-I-hope, or This-is-the-man-who-loves-me-isn't-it? And you
continue to tremble at the least questionable move he makes.
My worst beating came, when he pulverized me using a chunk of firewood
for feeding a group of students pancakes when I didn't have permission
to do so. I had black eyes, and a body that was one massive bruise.
He told me time after time that he would kill me. He told me I
was insane and had a perverted mind (see the note on sexual
molestation). And I THOUGHT IT WAS ALL MY FAULT, because he was
great with outsiders. I thought I couldn't survive without him--that
I was too weak, and I was too frightened to leave when he told me
that he would kill the children if I ever tried to leave him and
take them with me. I WAS insane--to stay with him, for not having
the courage to get-the-hell-out, but I didn't.
Today, 9 1/2 years later, I am the strong one. I've gotten the
children home who wanted to come home, and picked up my life from
my personal "holocaust"--like the phoenix in Chinese mythology,
I have returned from the ashes to be a better "me" than I have ever
been before. I have presented numerous seminars to battered women
in the Salt Lake Valley, and done my best to be an example of a
"new life" for each of them. I am proud to be the person I am today,
and I am proud of you for having the courage to do the same.
A Toast to Those of Us Who've Survived!
Barb
|
| 220.3 | | YODA::HOPKINS | Hugs for Health | Fri Sep 30 1988 14:12 | 12 |
| RE.2
Isn't it incredible how they can make us feel like everything bad
in the world that happens is our fault?! Thank goodness we've been
lucky enough to get out of these situations.
After some therapy, I am now a whole, healthy, person again and
I love it!
If there is anyone out there who is still going through this, all
I can say is GET OUT. They usually don't change and life is a whole
lot better without them.
|
| 220.4 | Personal experience from anon noter | WMOIS::B_REINKE | As true as water, as true as light | Fri Sep 30 1988 14:17 | 55 |
| This note is being entered for a member of the community who wishes
to be anonymous.
Bonnie J
moderator
-----------------------------------------------------------
When I was growing up, my father had a terrible and sudden
temper that flashed up for reasons best known to himself. I
thought that getting whacked was part of growing up and if I
were 'good' I wouldn't get hit as often.
When I went to college I got engaged to a man who one night at a
party decided that I was 'talking back' so he took me outside
and slapped me silly. He left bruises on my face from his
fingers. He never understood why I broke off the engagement and
refused to see him again.
When I was in my early twenties, a man raped me. He beat me
until I was sure he was going to kill me and I only wished he
would get it over with. He beat me for crying about being
raped. As he did his thing, he screamed at me about how I
really loved what he was doing to me. He left me on the side of
a river curled up in a ball and shaking. It was fifteen years
before I told anyone what had happened.
When I finally got married, my first husband left bruises on my
body and added to the bruises on my soul. Now I am married
again and my husband has thrown me up against a wall during an
argument. And then he told me I could let go of my anger and
flashbacks if I just really 'wanted to.'
The solutions to stopping abuse are as difficult as the abuse
itself. I cannot stop the flashbacks of the different times
that men, it's always been men, have dealt with me in physical
violence. The abuse affects my sexual identity, my daily life,
my relationships. I like men. But I am scared to death of
them. Anytime he wants to, a man can decide to hit me and I
can't really do anything about it until the activity is over and
I can get away, never to come back. I am extremely angry about
being beaten up, angry at having to be so damned defensive,
angry at having nightmares and shakes, angry when I preface my
behavior with a little private analysis to see if this guy is
going take action on me if I say thus and so. So much of this
abuse goes on and the victim doesn't say a word. It's
humiliating to admit to anyone that I ever let anyone lay a hand
on me. I want to live in a world where there is no violence.
But until people quit offering to damage me for their own purposes,
I choose to have locks on my doors, a safe house to run to, a
counselor, a dog and a gun.
|
| 220.6 | The closest I've gotten to abuse | APEHUB::STHILAIRE | Food, Shelter & Diamonds | Fri Sep 30 1988 14:57 | 43 |
| I guess (or maybe I should say *know*) I've been really lucky.
I've never been actually hit by a man, especially when I think of how many
men I've dated and been alone with (when I was a lot younger mostly).
It's really shocking to read these accounts. I know it's out there
but it just doesn't seem like real life.
My ex-husband did have a terrible temper, though, and that's what
ultimately led to our divorce. He was like a split personality
(Dr. Jekyle & Mr. Hyde). When he was having a temper tantrum he
would rant and rave and yell really mean things at me. But, when
he wasn't mad at something he was (and is) one the nicest people
I've ever known. I still like him a lot, and really care about
his happiness. But, I just couldn't take dealing with that temper
anymore. I never knew *what* was going to set him off. It could
be the dumbest thing, such as the forgetting to get Xmas tinsel
that someone else mentioned. Also, as others mentioned, *everything*
was *my fault*. After awhile I began to feel guilty about anything
that could possibly go wrong in the world. He always used to tell
me that I was "Completely useless" and that I couldn't do "anything
right." It was very upsetting. Once he worked me up to such a
frenzy that I handed him a kitchen knife and told him to stab me.
He said, "See, look at that. You're crazy. You need help." Another
time he yelled at me so long that I wound up banging my head against
a wall. Other times I would get in the car and drive off at 80
miles an hour in the night. But, thank god, he never hit me. It
seems as tho it never occurred to him do anything but yell.
I think the strangest thing is how nice he was and is when he's
not having one of these attacks of temper. I wonder what it is
that makes some people act like that. Sometimes even today I'll
see him and talk to him for a few minutes, and I'll walk away thinking,
"What a *nice* guy he is. Why did I ever divorce such a nice guy?"
Then, sometimes I'm forced to remember like now, and I know why.
It doesn't seem fair. If it weren't for the temper he would be
one of the nicest men in the world (and I would have been married
to him for my entire life).
We never fight now and are friends, now that we don't live together
on a daily basis.
Lorna
|
| 220.7 | Pointer to Additional Information | LEZAH::BOBBITT | Cadarn ar Cyfrwys | Fri Sep 30 1988 15:32 | 10 |
| So many hurt people, so undeserving of hurt!
Please see topic 660 in the early version of womannotes for more
information on Support Groups for Abused Women.
Also, note 109 discusses domestic abuse and the law.
-Jody
|
| 220.8 | Curious ? | BARTLE::GRYNIEWICZ | | Fri Sep 30 1988 15:51 | 13 |
| I am just curious.......Did any of you who were hurt ever strike
back, I am *NOT* saying that you should have I was just curious
if you ever got back at them just as physically as they did to you.
I know myself that when a man has hit me in the past, I have struck
back and sometimes have done more damage than they did to me (I
once broke a jaw).. I am not usually a violent person, I just feel
that I should not be struck out of anger by *ANYONE*, it has always
been a real issue with me, even as a kid when my mom got mad at
me and would try to do it.....
TammyG
|
| 220.9 | anon reply to 8 | WMOIS::B_REINKE | As true as water, as true as light | Fri Sep 30 1988 17:21 | 31 |
|
The following is from a member of our community who wishes to be anonymous
Bonnie J
comoderator
_______________________________________________________
RE .8
I can recall 3 occasions in where I tried to fight back against my abuser.
Once while being forced into having sex with him I grabbed the telephone and
brought it down as hard as I could over his head...I drew blood. After that
he wrapped a cord around my neck and tried to choke the life out of me not to
mention finishing what I was trying to stop.
Once when I tried to leave him I went to a phone booth to call someone to pick
me up. He followed me and he pulled me away from the phone and I fell to the
ground, lo and behold I saw a nice big stick and whacked him with it, not
really to hurt him but just give me time to run, (this was after 1:00am) I know
it hurt him but in the long run I got it worse.
I even went as far as to hold a gun to him, but he knew I couln't shoot him
and took the gun from me and the consequences were much worse than they would
of been if I hadn't tried to fight back. After those incidents
of trying to fight back physically, I gave up. It was taking too much out of
me. I didn't try hitting anymore after the gun incident, and would never try
it again. On him or any other man for that matter.
|
| 220.10 | Retaliation | SLOVAX::HASLAM | | Fri Sep 30 1988 17:39 | 9 |
| Re: .8
I only tried to fight back twice, and both times I ended up pulverized.
I learned THAT lesson fast! It's so difficult to explain what it's
like unless you've "been there". I know and I don't know why I
stayed. It was crazy. One thing I DO know, I'd NEVER let it happen
again!!!
Barb
|
| 220.11 | | CLOSUS::HOE | Sammy's daddy; er, Samuel's father | Fri Sep 30 1988 17:58 | 24 |
| I met Darlene when after she broke up with her husband. I was
taeching a class in over-coming computer phobia. darlene was told
most of her married life that all she was good for was a house
wife. She wanted to get her life together and start her career
anew with computerized accounting (she was a CPA in the old
fashion sense; books and paper type).
Any ways her ex was a computer enterpeneur with a lot of money;
when they split up, they agreed to keep the stock in a certain
company until the company went public, then split the profits.
Under the guise of talking over business, he would take her out
to lunch, get drunk and verbally abuse her at the resturant.
I ended up picking her up several times from the resturant and we
became pretty good friends. After we lived together for about
several months, the ex would try the same thing again; after a
while, I just cannot handle Darlene continuing to fall for the
same line and we parted company.
I guess some folks value money over the abuse they take; Darlene
was this person. I still wonder if I did the right thing;
perhaps, I'll never know the answer.
cal hoe
|
| 220.12 | Anonymous reply | WMOIS::B_REINKE | As true as water, as true as light | Fri Sep 30 1988 19:52 | 39 |
|
The following is a reply from an anonymous member of our community.
Bonnie J
comoderator
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was involved in a relationship that erupted into physical abuse
only once...it was truly scary. My partner and I had planned for
weeks to attend a special party. We were both college students and
under considerable stress at the time. We'd been living together
for over a year, and recent months had seen worse and worse problems
in communication. The afternoon of the party, I knew that something
was wrong...while I studied, I was disturbed by pacing and fuming,
yet when I tried to open a dialogue, I was rebuffed. This went on
for hours. So I was aware of extreme tension and felt powerless
to deal with it.
When we were getting dressed, the anger was boiling up. Eventually,
it exploded, all over me. I'd seen it coming, I'd suggested that
we skip this damn party...not good enough. "I don't wanna go!"
finally admitted, finally screamed at me, while I stood there,
absorbing it.
Then she hit me. Hysterically, without really looking at me,
violently pounding me about the head and shoulders. The first
flurry knocked my glasses off. Jumping up and down, swinging
her fists down on my shoulders, chest and arms. I raised my
arms to shield myself in bewilderment, and backed out of the
room. I felt sick, ill, stunned, I couldn't deal with it. I
fumbled my way to the phone and called some friends who were
waiting on us, to say we wouldn't make it. She came running
out of the bedroom sobbing something about not leaving her
alone, so we embraced...huddling for comfort in the afternath
of the emotional firestorm. I never did figure out what was
going on. I never knew what I was supposed to do.
I'm sharing this with womannoters because I don't have anybody
else I can talk to about it.
|
| 220.13 | View from a friend of a wounded heart | WOODRO::FAHEL | Amalthea, the Silver Unicorn | Mon Oct 03 1988 10:25 | 15 |
| I once worked with a woman whose husband abused her. She was the
sweetest woman, with a darling child. She would tell me (she trusted
me) what he would do to her, but she was afraid to do anything about
it. I helped her get councelling, and she decided to leave him,
but he wanted child custody. (She was basically uneducated and
a little slow, and he was college educated. He would say that she
is an unfit mother who couldn't support, which was a lie). She
asked me to be a character witness, and I said yes. A couple of
weeks later she changed her mind. "He said he was sorry, and would
never hit her again, and we are starting out fresh in Cape Cod".
(Again?)
I never saw or heard from her again. I have no idea what has happened.
K.C.
|
| 220.14 | | CASV05::AUSTIN | Have a nice day...Somewhere else! | Mon Oct 03 1988 13:10 | 15 |
|
have any of you been in the following situation/what would you do
if you were in the following situation...
Say your over a friends house a your friend and their SO start arguing,
and your friend's SO starts to hit them and either asks you to leave
or doesn't even bothering asking you to leave and continues to hit
your friend....what would you do? Would you just leave and call
and check up on your friend the next day, try to stop the guy/woman
from hitting your friend, call the police while your there...or
what?
|
| 220.15 | | LIONEL::SAISI | | Mon Oct 03 1988 13:24 | 21 |
| My first reaction would be to try and interfere, and if the
attacker hit me, then press charges. Calling the police is
touchy, what if they accept this part of the relationship and
hate you for making it public? I would *not* leave, how could
you spend the rest of the day wondering what happened? At the
very least I would witness it and then encourage the victim to
press charges/get counselling/leave.
I have several times witnessed abusive relationships in public,
and get the same feeling that the victim apparently does, this
can't be happening, I can't believe this is happening. Why does noone
do anything? Are we afraid of the attacker's violence? It
is amazing what is tolerated by the public, the same thing with
abuse of children. I really don't know what the answer is.
I called the police once, but usually you know that the people
won't be there by the time the police come. What I wish would
happen is that a whole crowd of people would start calling the
attacker a bully and verbally gang up on the person. What makes
them think that they have the right?
Linda
|
| 220.16 | Not all women are the victims!! | NBC::MORIN | life gets better and better | Mon Oct 03 1988 13:55 | 35 |
| I have been the victim of both physical and psychological abuse.
Both are bad. It is real scarey when someone bigger and stronger
than you starts to use you to release their frustrations.
I will NEVER allow myself to live that way again.
BUT... let us not forget that it is not only men that abuse. Women
do also. Men may not feel right about defending themselves. Women
also can psychologically abuse and cause great harm.
Not all women are sweet. And not all men abuse. Women can hit and
break bones as well as any man.
They also can do terrible things to a mans self-esteem.
It took me a long time to trust again. I am so glad that I did
for I now have a relationship with the best man for me. I trust
him totally. I know he would never hurt me nor would I ever hurt
him.
We must learn from the awful things that happen to us. I'm not
glad that it occurred but I am glad that I did learn to trust again.
It took me a long time with a few other mistakes in selecting men,
though never another phsyically abusive one.
It is important that we do not repeat the same errors in chosing
a mate. I have great compassion for all of you women that have
been through it also. Please trust that not all men are this way.
My thoughts are with you
Suzanne
|
| 220.17 | yes! call the police... | LEZAH::BOBBITT | Cadarn ar Cyfrwys | Mon Oct 03 1988 15:11 | 21 |
| I was with my (X-)SO, and we were walking near MIT in Cambridge,
and it was about 11 pm, and we came upon a man and woman screaming
at each other, and he was hitting her, and he was trying to take
a young child away from her, and the child was screaming. I stood
there and watched to make sure he didn't kill her or anything (of
course I couldn't have offered aid until he left...I'm not THAT
strong, or that foolish) while my SO called the police. We kept
an eye on them, and at one point the man stormed off with the child
he had wrested from her arms. As she passed we told her we had
called the police, and she said she just wanted her baby back.
He ignored us bystanders completely.
My SO followed them (at a distance) across the parking lot, and
when the police arrived (2 cars, 3 minutes later!), I directed them
to where the couple was last. They picked up the guy (he was still
slapping her around). I never knew what happened to them, but I
think we did the right thing...it was the only thing I could think
of, and ignoring the situation was unconscionable.
-Jody
|
| 220.18 | use judgement and call the police | HACKIN::MACKIN | How did I get here? | Mon Oct 03 1988 15:40 | 21 |
| Re: -.15
If one party is getting physically abusive to the other, I'd rather
err on the side of calling the police than otherwise. Maybe you're
making a mistake, but maybe not...
I used to live near a local teen hangout (Mickey D's) and wound
up calling the cops once when it appeared that a gang of guys
were beating up on a woman. First time I've ever seen the police
arrive on the scene within 3 minutes and with about 5 cars. Pretty
impressive for a police force not known for doing very much except
harrassing people. Turned out to be a game of tag (well, something
like that). Even though I was wrong, I'd do it again in a second.
Another notable time I called the cops was when a guy was beating
up a woman outside my apt. and she was really yelling for help.
This time I wound up going outside and getting the guy off of her
and holding him 'til the cops arrived. Still under 5 minutes to
respond. This time I was right and would have hated myself if they
hadn't been called -- too many people wait for someone else to get
involved.
|
| 220.19 | Not all man are the same | FOOZLE::MUNIZ | | Mon Oct 03 1988 16:04 | 36 |
| I have been the victim of physical abuse long time ago its start
when I was 16 years old (at age 14 I has my first baby and at age
16 I has 2 kids and I was pregnant with the #3) he is the father
of the 5 kids I have now, well I pass trough all this and it happen
to me for 8 years and someone may ask why I stay with the same man
for 15 years, well I don't know at that time but now I think that
is because I really love him, now he is a real nice man who love
the kids and love me, I now that this is not happen with all men
but I thanks God because he change, because he love me , because
he love the kids and thanks because I do have a real stable relation
and that my children are growing a in complete family.
But I know how it hurt your feeling, how scarey it is and painful,
and I do understand the people who pass trough this, someone may
ask me how my husband change, well I run away from him, from P.R.
to U.S. and when he found me he came over and we have a conversation
about our feeling and we make the decision that we needs a conselor
and he really make it, now he still having the treatment and he
is a diferent person. but this depends on the person and I always
think that its a man really love a woman he will do whatever possible
to change. that's why I'm, sure my husband love us.
well this is my story and i'm glad and proude of my family.
and an advice I want to give to women who are with this problem
is "try to do whatever you can to save your relationship is there
are kids who love mommy and daddy, but try everything first before
brake your family but that dosen't mean that you have to hold all
this for years and years but get out from your home and it he really
love you he will come back and he will try to get help and change
but always give him the opportunity to change first and it that
dosen't work then you will have the good feeling that you did all
you can do to save your marriage."
good luck to all of you who are having this problem.
|
| 220.20 | no happy ending here... | JJM::ASBURY | | Tue Oct 04 1988 14:24 | 25 |
| About whether one should call the police...
I remember very clearly certain events one summer afternoon many
years ago. My family was living in Cleveland at the time, I was
under 10 years old, I don't remember the exact age.
We lived in a nice, peaceful neighborhood on the West side, not
anywhere near downtown. All of us children were outside playing,
not having school to worry about or anything else for that matter.
(ah, those were the days, says she who now works full time and takes
2 classes at night...)
Anyhow, around 2:30 in the afternoon, a car turned onto our street.
It was driving very slowly. There was a man driving and a woman
in the passenger seat. They were arguing loudly. She got out of
the car, but was walking down the street alongside of the driver's
side of the car. They are still arguing loudly and sounding quite
violent. the man is still driving slowly down the street. The next
thing we know, he has pulled out a gun and shot first her then himself.
Both people were dead.
I wonder what the outcome would have been had the police been called
as soon as the car turned onto our street.
-Amy.
|
| 220.21 | abuse comes from different sources | DELNI::CHANDONAIT | set wishes=fins so I can swim | Thu Oct 06 1988 17:26 | 39 |
| My heart goes out to those of you who have been hurt. No one has
the right to hurt you/us.
My abuse came from my son. He physically abused both his sister
and myself for years before we realized how ill he was, and is.
I had to remove him from our home when he was 14. I intervened when
he was battering his sister and he turned on me, continually striking
me until he broke my nose and I dropped like a rock. What was I
doing while he was striking me? I was doing exactly what all of
the professionals had told me was the only way to help him, I was
trying to restrain him and talk calmly to him until the rage passed.
He has held his sister in a corner with a knife, seemingly enjoying
the control that gave him over her. He has trashed our home countless
times. After a bad day at school, or in the yard, or whatever he
was upset by, he'd run thru the house knocking furniture over, throwing
things out of windows, breaking things, destroying anything in his
path.
After counseling, I have finally come to accept that he is ill and
the problem is not that I was a bad mother. BUT, I wish I felt safe.
He called the Department of Mental Health last year, complaining
about some aspects of the care that he is getting. (I have been
advised to back out of the picture until he wants to see me, so
I hear everything through the agencies that are providing services
for him.) Anyway, he called DMH, complaining. Then he asked them
if he had to go out and get a gun and blow his mother's head off
before they will let him have his way.
I'm afraid for my daughter and myself and for us all. He can be
the most charming young man, he can also become psychotic at the
drop of a hat.
It's a difficult thing to talk about someone that you love who hurts
you. I feel so alone in the fact that it is my child who has been
abusive.
Ruth
|
| 220.22 | Psychotic Son | CSC32::JOHNS | In training to be tall and black | Fri Oct 07 1988 16:11 | 8 |
| Ruth, not to alarm you, but it is not unknown for a son to rape or kill
his own mother, and there was one occurrence recently here in the newspaper.
If it were my child, I would move to another town and disappear from my son.
You may want to consider that option. You might sleep better, and so might
your daughter.
Hugs,
Carol
|
| 220.23 | Driven to Kill | WMOIS::B_REINKE | As true as water, as true as light | Sun Oct 16 1988 17:16 | 192 |
| Boston Globe -Sunday October 16, 1988 pp 1 & 22.
Driven to Kill
Battered Women Use Their Fear as a Defense
By Laura A. Kiernan, Globe Staff
Fall River - On Thanksgiving 1987, when Leonora Levlievre's husband Camille,
began arguing with her and calling her names, she pleaded for some peace.
"Please Cam," she realls asking him, "don't start. Lets have a nice holiday."
She made him a sandwich on an English muffin. When she picked up a knife to
cut it, he struck her on the side of her face with his fist.
It wasn't the first time he abused her, but it was the last.
"I just hit him." she said later. The she remembers sitting on the
kitchen floor with her husband's body cradled in her lap. Camille Lelievre
had been stabbed in the back.
"I remember I held him in my arms and said 'I love you Cam, why did you make
me do it? You're the only man I ever loved.'" Leonora Lelievre told police
later.
"He only gurgled," she said.
-o-
In the darkest corners of American family life, 3 million to 4 million
women a year are battered by their husbands, ex-husbands and lovers,
according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Sometimes
a battered woman fights back, with deadly force.
For these women - the ones who say they were driven to kill - the battered
women's movement has focused its efforts in new direction, trying to change
the way the criminal justice system looks at domestic violence.
With increasing frequency, but with very limited success, lawyers for
battered women are using research about abuse to try to convince judges
and juries that when a batttered woman kills it may be an act of self
defense because she lives in constant fear that her mate's next blow will
be a deadly one.
Since the 1970s, when the women's movement first opened the nation's eyes
to the horror of domestic violence, society has struggled to find ways to stem
the beatings. More than 1,000 shelters and safe houses for battered women
and their children have been established around the country, legislatures
have cleared the way for those women to take action against their abusers
in court, police are trained to be more atuned to household violence and
students are counseled against 'dating violence'. But, for some women, no
measure of prevention will end the violence in their lives. They are driven
to do it themselves.
These are the women that the shelter movement did not reach, the ones
who tried and failed to get the courts and the police to stop the
violence and the ones who never tried at all.
Cases now pending before criminal courts in Massachusetts, New Hampshire,
and Rhode Island in which the emotional consequences of physical and
mental abuse - the battered women's syndrome - have been raised by
defense lawyers for women accused or convicted of murdering their mates.
Those cases, and others in courhouses across the country, are part of
a slow but dramatic shift away from judging a battered woman by the
law's standard of a "reasonable man's" response to "imminent" danger.
Defense lawyers and advocates for battered women want to change that
sexual steryotyping within the criminal justice system.
"We're not talking about a license to kill. All we're talking about is
giving them a fair chance to make out a case of self-defennse when they
do kill," said Charles P. Ewing, a law professor and psychologist at
the State University of New York in Buffalo who testifies on behalf of
battered women who kill. "If a judge and a jury reject it, then they're
guilty and they're convicted just like any other person that commits
a homicide."
Estimates drawn from nationwide crime statistics and individual case studies
indicate that 400 to 800 women a year kill their abusers. The Massachusetts
Bail Project, organized in 1987 to help battered women charged with
abuse-related crime, has recorded 10 cases this year in which women have
murdered men who allegedly abused them, according to Sarah M. Buel, a former
member of the Governor's Anti-Crime Council and a longtime advocate for
battered women within the criminal justice system.
Studies by Ewing and Angela Browne, a social psychologist and specialist
on battered women and homicide show that most battered women who kill
either plead guilty or are convicted of some form of murder, and many
face prison terms. Of 100 women studied by Ewing, 85 went to trial
claiming self-defense but only 22 were acquitted.
The battered women's movement has depended on community education and
media to get the public to recognize the extent of deomestic violence
and the need for prevention, and it is using the same strategy to get
the criminal justice system to take a second look at battered women,
especially those who may face long prison terms for killing their mates.
Resources for lawyers
For a nominal fee, the National Clearinghouse for the Defense of
Battered Women in Philadelphia will provide defense lawyers with
extensive background materials on defending battered women, including
strategies on ferreting out jurors who may have misconceptions about
bettering. Last spring at the first national conference on "Battered
Women and Justice", lawyers, advocates and counselors for battered
women convened in St. Louis, Mo., to raise "the national consciousness'
about the legal issues faced by victims of domestic violence.
"Most battered women hae been betrayed all their lives; first in families,
or in close relationships, then by the law that ignores or trivializes
their experience and a society that blames them for their plight," wrote
Marilyn Breitling of a United Church of Christ's center for women, one of the
conference coordinators.
The message reached Lelievre's court appointed defense lawyer Louis D.
Coffin of New Bedford.
After hearing Sarah Buel speak at a legal services dinner, Coffin began
rerearching the bettered women's syndrome. He has since persuaded a
Bristol County Superior judge to spend $4,200 in court funds to have
Lelievre evaluated by Lenore Walker a Denver, Colo., based psychologist
who developed the concept of the battered women's syndrome. On Tuesday,
Lelievre is expected to meet in the Boston area with Walker. Coffin said
the state's attorney, who objected to the expenditure, warned him that
Lenore Walker would be on trial along with Lenora Lelievre.
Providing bail
The Bail Porject helps women more directly. Earlier this year, it
secured the release of Lisa Becker Grimshaw in Springfield, who is
accused of hiring two men to bludgeon her husband to death with a
baseball bat. She spent three years in jail, in part while her lawyer
tried unsuccessfully to get the court to pay to have Grimshaw evaluated
by a specialist on battered women. The public defender's office has
agreed to pay the fee. Grimshaw's lawyers have asked the judge to allow
Walker to testify at her trial.
Next month, a grand jurty will consider the case of Lori Cox of Mattapan,
accused of murdering her ex-husband, Tommy after he entered her apartment.
At a recent hearing, witnesses testified about beatings that Cox suffered,
and Cox's lawyer, Herman Hemingway, says she had four court orders
requiring Tommy Cox to stay away. But Hemingway said the prosecution
suggested that the killing may have been premeditated, since Lori Cox
purchased the weapon several months earlier.
And on Nov 2, a sentence reduction hearing is scheduled in Newport N.H. for
Kathleen Kaplan, who was sentenced to 30 years in prison in 1982 after she
admitted she paid a man $5,000 to kill her husband. Kaplan says she was
abused during her 10 year marriage, and she has asked the court to take
a second look at her case. But, the attorney general's office says
Kaplan has "overstated" the extent of the abuse.
Kaplan has also asked Gov. John Sununu and the Executive Coucil to
grant her a conditional pardon. That hearing is scheduled for Nov 16.
Why Women Stay
Social psychologists, such as Walker, and others say that the reason why
some women do not leave abusive relationships lies in the complexity
of emotions and needs of the battered women's syndrome - low self esteem
after years of abuse, lack of self-confidence, financial dependance,
concern that children will be deprived of their father, even love for
the batterer. Jurors need the help of expert testimony, Maguigan says
to help them unravel the puzzle.
Critics of testimony about the battered woman's syndrome, such as San
Francisco lawyer David L. Faigman, say that experts, such as Lenore
Walker appear to be "hired guns" who use loose definitions and soft
research methods to turn any woman into a bettered spouse.
"There are cases where women, just like other people, kill for
revenge, money or for whatever reason and that's why we have juries
to decide these questions," said Faigman. He said jurors should
hear the woman's own testimony about battering, without the gloss
of an expert opinion, and then make their decision about how, if at all,
it justifies murder.
But Lenore Walker says that with few exceptions "most battered women
are terrible witnesses on their own behalf. They become numb."
In the hours after she stabbed her husband, the future looked very
dim for Lenora Lelievre. Her sister, whom she had called immediately
after the killing, was there at the Fall River police station,
as was her nephew. When they were about to leave, Lelievre, 57, stood
up and hugged the young man.
"It took me a long time to do what I had to do," she said, according
to police reports, "I'll be all right."
Next: Preventing abuse (will be in Monday's paper.)
|
| 220.24 | Fate Steps In... | SLOVAX::HASLAM | Creativity Unlimited | Tue Oct 18 1988 11:57 | 29 |
| The previous article really brings back some memories of my first
husband, Tom. He used to tell me how he would hunt me down and
kill me if I ever left him or tried to take "his" children from
him. For the first year after I ran away, I was forever looking
over my shoulder because I knew he meant what he said. Later, several
friends confirmed the fact that he had bought a high-powered rifle
at a swap meet and had come looking for me. He made several such
"hunting trips" but never had any luck finding me.
The fear of the next time I would see him was so real that the terror
it left behind lingered for several years. The thought of trying to
kill him first was beyond question. It would have never been something
that I premeditated. I was too frightened. It would have HAD to
be an accident--a fluke--an odd mistake because the fear of thinking
ahead, of planning to kill him would have made me terrified that
he would somehow read my mind, would somehow KNOW what I was thinking
and would hurt me first. I believe that it must be like that for
most of the women who DO kill their husbands. They would be too scared
to plan in advance, in case he found out and beat them to death.
As a rule, I think that most abusive spouses are more into long
term torture and "mind management" of the abused spouse. This,
in turn, leads the abused spouse to envision all sorts of visions
of mutilation when thought of escape, in whatever form, comes to
mind. Therefore, claiming innocence in a murder trial, makes sense,
and leniency should be considered providing the woman is also willing
to attend couseling to get her life together.
Barb
|
| 220.25 | Abuse Statistics | LEZAH::BOBBITT | persistence of vision | Fri Jan 20 1989 16:11 | 51 |
| The following are excerpts from an article on Child Abuse in Worcester
Magazine, Jan. 11, 1989 issue. I trust their reliability, so I figured I'd
enter some information and statistics....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Close to 1000 cases of child abuse were investigated by the state
Department of Social Services last year in Worcester and seven surrounding
towns. Across the state there were 50,000 reports of child abuse in 1988,
of which 18,000 were substantiated. In 1985 an average of one child a
month was beaten to death here in Massachusetts. Last year that figure
climbed closer to an average of two children a month. Nationally, the
figures for violence and sexual abuse suffered by children are just as
alarming.
If the president-elect's vow of a "kinder, gentler nation" was intended as
more than chimerical political rhetoric, then he has his work cut out for
him. A 1986 report on child abuse and neglect conducted by the US
Department of Health and Human Services, for instance, points out that
maltreatment of children in this country has risen by 66 percent since
1986.
...in Massachusetts, children from infancy to age 5 make up 25 percent of
the substantiated sexual abuse cases. Those age 5-12 are at greatest risk
- 42 percent - of sexual abuse; those 12 to 18 make up 33 percent of the
substantiated abuse cases. Seventy-one percent of all sexually abused
children are female, although when all forms of maltreatment are considered
the percentages of male and female children who are abused are equal.
Family members are the perpetrators in 63 percent of the abuse cases, and
fathers are teh sole perpetrators in 25 percent of the incidents.
Nationally, from 1976 to 1983, there was a 909 percent increase in the
estimated number of children reported sexually abused. Over the same time
period, the number of children cited in reports of all tyeps of abuse and
neglect increased by 121 percent. In a study of 1800 college students,
fully one third reported that they were sexually abused during their
childhood. Only one-half of the females who had been abused informed their
parents, and only one-tenth of the males did so.
The majority of sexual offenders are white, heterosexual men. "Offenders
aren't looking for a sexual partner", says Donna Russell, director of the
Child Abuse Prevention Project of Greater Worcester, "They're looking for a
victim. It's a sexual act, but it has very little to do with sex. If you
want to take power or control over someone there are two ways to do it -
physically abuse and beat them into submission, or sexually assault them.
Why do men rape women? Because they're overcome by lust because she's so
beautiful? No. Because they want to exert power over another human being.
Three-month-old babies and 90-year-old women are raped and every age in
between, so it can't be lust."....
|
| 220.26 | pointer | LEZAH::BOBBITT | invictus maneo | Fri Jun 23 1989 11:17 | 5 |
| There is some information on child abuse (incest in particular)
in HUMAN_RELATIONS note 34 (particularly .30, .31...)
-Jody
|
| 220.27 | BATTERED WOMEN | MRC::FLECK | | Wed Jun 28 1989 13:36 | 31 |
| In 1984 my daughter was in an auto accident. She and I were in a
local hospital emergency room. There was only one other patient
there. It was a woman who had been beaten by her boyfriend. He had
opened her head with a bottle. I always regreted I never approached
her. I could have, I didn't. I said to myself, "she's in a hospital,
the doctors will help her."
You see, I knew how she felt. I had never had my head opened, but
I knew how scared and alone she felt. For years I couldn't get that
scene out of my mind. This year I felt strong enough to do something.
I began to go to WOMANSHARE. It's a support group for battered woman
held at a safe house in Hartford, Connecticut. These are the first
steps I've taken. In September, my goal is to take a two day training
class to equip me to be a volunteer. I haven't decided what areas
I'll be working in yet...but for now I'm taking a step at a time.
I'll never see that woman in the hospital again, but I can still
have the opportunity to tell others: "I know how you feel. Someone
cares for you. There is hope and there is help"
You don't have to had been hit to be a battered woman. There are
four forms of battering. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual
abuse, economic abuse. If you even think you have experienced any
of these, trust your feelings. If you can't leave, try to get help.
There's probably a woman's shelter near you. Look in the phone book
for the battered women's hot line. If you can't find the number
ask the local police, or the local library for names of womens groups,
the local YWCA is another resource. Or write me. Remember, you're not alone.
One in four women has experienced some form of battering. Don't
be ashamed because it happened to you. You did nothing to deserve
it.
|
| 220.28 | | RAINBO::TARBET | I'm the ERA | Wed Jul 05 1989 18:35 | 71 |
| The following response is from a member of our community who wishes to
remain anonymous at this time.
=maggie
======================================================================
About a year and a half ago I got involved with a man that was having
problems coping with a divorce. As I got to know him I found that one
of the reasons for the breakup was his physical abuse, but was told he
no longer had that problem. After several months (I had moved in with
him) as his feelings for me, apparently, got stronger we started having
arguments while we were out that I was "coming on" to other men - or
other men were "coming on" to me. It got so bad that I started getting
conditioned to keeping my eyes on the bar or table whenever we were
out, or I would end up having to keep him from going after whoever he
thought was the problem. Then when we'd get home I would end up
getting yelled at or hit and thrown on the floor.
The first time it happened he was drunk and swore it would never
happen again - he was just jealous. He was alright for a while with
only *minor* incidents that he continued to apologize for - then one
day he had an argument with his ex, took me out, got extremely drunk,
said I was trying to flirt with one of his friends and took me outside
and hit me until I agreed to leave with him. On the way home he kept it
up, grabbing my hair and pulling me around to the front of his
motorcycle (at 70mph I had to hang on by my toes) and screaming at me
about embarrassing him in front of his friends. We arrived at another
friend's house, I still don't know how, and he continued to hit me and
push me around. There were even people watching (nobody stopped him,
but that's a different subject) and he had never done anything like
that to me in front of other people. After surviving that night and
waiting for him to sober up the next day, we both agreed that I should
move out.
We didn't speak for a few months and then gradually started talking -
mutual friends, how things were going with our families, etc. We ended
up dating again and for several months had the kind of relationship
I've always looked for. Of course, nobody's perfect and when the
problems started again so did the violence. He had moved in with me
this time and when he had to be taken to jail for battery on a police
officer (he started to hit me in a public place and the police were
called). I packed his things up and moved him out.
At this point he acknowledged, to himself and others, that he had a
problem. He started seeing a counselor, joined AA and quit drinking.
He's also learning to quit blaming everyone else for causing him to
act the way he does (the ex-wife was supposed to have been the cause of
all of my abuse until the end when it was my fault) and take
responsibility for his own actions (also a big step for him). He's told
me that he feels much calmer now and realizes that getting mad and
physically forcing everyone to do what he wants isn't a solution to his
problems.
Anyway, since he feels he's conquered the drinking and violence - he
can't understand that I am still scared of him, still afraid that he
could change back into the person he was before. I've tried to explain
that all of the broken promises and "I never meant to hurt you"
explanations don't change the fact that these things have happened. I
think every relationship takes its shape from the experiences both
people share and there's no way to go back and erase the bad parts -
even if we _both_ felt we could. He's also telling me that I'm the only
one he cares for now, the feelings for his ex-wife are in the past and
he can't get me out of his mind. Oddly enough I still feel a very
strong pull towards him, I don't know if it's pity or what - I'd like
to help him but it can't be at my expense anymore.
I'm not sure what I'm asking for. I *hope* I'm looking for support in
holding to my decision to not see him anymore. I've heard that men who
physically abuse someone normally continue to do so, but he always
sounds so sincere...
|
| 220.29 | Stick with your decision | REGENT::BROOMHEAD | I'll pick a white rose with Plantagenet. | Wed Jul 05 1989 19:18 | 6 |
| Let's assume he has really, really changed:
He has not had enough time for the change to become habit. His
old behavior is the habit.
Ann B.
|
| 220.30 | To "anonymous"... | MOSAIC::R_BROWN | We're from Brone III... | Wed Jul 05 1989 23:14 | 28 |
|
Agreed: this individual has not had enough time for the change to become
habit.
But there are other reasons for sticking to your decision:
(1) Even if he has "conquered" his problems, and his changes have "become
habit", there is nothing to prevent you and him slipping back into the
kind of relationship you had before. That is part of the
Alcoholic/Codependency pattern common inn such relationships.
(2) It is highly unlikely that he "conquered" anything. The patterns of
Alcoholism are never "conquered"; Alcoholics -- especially violent ones
are alcoholics for life. He will be UNDER CONTROL, never "cured".
(3) If you feel that what you experienced with him has made you unwilling
to deal with him again, it is your right not to reenter a relationship
with him. To put it simply: just because he has "gotten help" does not
give him any claim on you. He did what was best for him, and you can
do what is best for you.
I speak as someone who was abused by an alcoholic parent as a child, and
who was later asked to forgive and to form a relationship with that parent
once he was "reformed". Not exactly the same as your experience, but
similar enough so I feel I can relate to yours.
-Robert Brown III
|
| 220.31 | | MSDOA::MCMULLIN | | Thu Jul 06 1989 13:10 | 27 |
| Dear anonymous,
I also had an alcoholic parent that was abusive. Although he ended
up losing my mother and his 4 children and claimed to have gotten
"help" he didn't stay that way for long. He died in '85 of liver
cancer, presumably caused by the alcohol. Although my parents were
divorced for 17 years before he died and he always "claimed" to
us kids that he "loved" us and our mother, he never treated his
girlfriends or his 2nd wife any better (but he still swore to us
that he was "changed"). My point is sometimes people really believe
that they have changed when they really haven't. It was like he
thought that since he was going to AA that he had really changed
when in fact he was still the same. Am I making any sense? It's
hard to get this point across.
Also, my father in law is an alcoholic. He'll go for sometimes
a year without a drink and when he finally does, he gets abusive
and tears the house up. When he's not drinking, he's really a great
person, but I sure wouldn't want to be around him when he "loses
it". That's just to show you that maybe in the beginning your
boyfriend may be "ok", but maybe a year or two down the road, who
knows. An alcoholic's like a bomb, always ticking, but you don't
know when or where they'll explode!!
Good luck to you.
Virginia
|
| 220.32 | | HKFINN::STANLEY | What a long, strange trip its been | Thu Jul 06 1989 14:39 | 17 |
|
To me the major difference between men who are capable of beating
a woman up and those who are not is character.
All men are physically capable of such a thing,
but most choose not to do it.
They control themselves because they feel such behavior is
inappropriate and unreasonable no matter how angry they get.
They have integrity, they have strength, they consider violent
tantrums a sign of childish immaturity. This man obviously does not
feel that way. I've heard it said that liquor tears down one's
inhibitions so that what is underneath comes out.... whatever that
is.
Don't go back to him.... ever, ever, ever.
|
| 220.33 | "Today...I take care of ME" | GLDOA::RACZKA | C.B.Raczka @FHO1 - /nev/dull | Fri Jul 07 1989 11:49 | 35 |
| RE: .28
When I was a little person my father scared the life out me.
I couldn't even go to sleep at night, because I was afraid I'd get
pulled out of bed and beat for no apparent reason.
Even running away ended up with the Police returning me home to
a fate worse than death...I always thought.
Well, one day I became 17 and the out for me came...I split
and never looked back until a couple months agao when I was told
this person was in a Hospital.
I've gone to see him ok, but in my opinion someones action determines
change NOT WORDS and EMPTY PROMISES!! I've heard all of them
This guy in your case isn't blood, and I'd suggest a Restraining
Order just to keep him away from you.
I know what AA/NA and other 12 step programs are like and
real changes don't just happen...it takes lots of dedicated
work to change. And most NA people want to see 1 year of
growth.
Don't mess with him...please don't
When I was little my father always said , "I'll make it up to you",
"I've really changed...it won't ever happen again ".
Bulls..t!!
You said you wanted people to confirm your opinion of staying
away from him and you're getting that from me!
You'll be able to get back to being you!!!
And being ourselves again after something like this can take a long
time..but DO IT...do it for you...and do everything for now on for
you!!!
If you need an ear...I'm here!
--Christopher
|
| 220.34 | Not well written, but sincere... | SMEGIT::BALLAM | | Fri Jul 07 1989 16:44 | 13 |
| I'd like to say, please don't go back to him, too. For all the reasons
already mentioned, and because it's time for you to get on with
your own life and to choose to be around people who love and are
supportive of you. A part of you may still feel drawn to this man,
but a part of you doesn't want to be around someone who has hurt
you. This man has hit you, and he has done it more than once.
He has to work out his life and be responsible for himself. You
do not need to be around anyone who has ever hurt you. Not ever.
Listen to that part of you who doesn't want to be around hurtful
people. You deserve friends and lovers who would never, ever do
harm to you. Surround yourself in beauty and be happy.
Karen
|
| 220.35 | | HOPKIN::HOPKINS | Peace, Love, & Understanding | Tue Jul 11 1989 16:58 | 10 |
| I AGREE. I would NOT go back. Your note could have been written by
me. I have found through my experience that alcohol does make bad
behavior worse but those nasty tendencies are always there. It
took me a LONG time to become a real person again after putting
up with such abuse (both physical and mental) but now that I have
I will NEVER, never, NEVER, let anyone do that to me again. Pity
is no reason to stay with someone. Find someone who will respect
and care for you. Good luck.
|
| 220.36 | | SPGOGO::HSCOTT | Lynn Hanley-Scott | Wed Jul 12 1989 12:13 | 10 |
| .32 and .35 echo my own thoughts -- don't go back ever, ever, ever.
Most importantly, though, get yourself some counseling to help sort
through your feelings, whether it is pity or something else, and to
help you understand the risks associated in maintaining any
relationship with this man.
best wishes and please take care,
--Lynn
|
| 220.37 | | SNOC01::MYNOTT | I'll have what she's having | Tue Sep 19 1989 20:09 | 47 |
| I only wish there was some sort of counseling around when I got
married 24 years ago. My family had moved to the country, and I
was too ashamed to tell them. It has taken me years to get over
the shame of being physically and emotionally abused, to learn that
I am a wonderful person after being told I was a failure for years.
I knew what he was like when we were married, but at 18, and very
young you don't question anything. He also was a Dr Jeckyl Mr Hyde
character, and I suppose I could blame Vietnam, but he was like it
before he went. He was also such a good actor that he had my parents
convinced that it was me having a breakdown. He made one mistake
when they were there, and my Dad picked up on it. Thank goodness,
that was my turning point.
That feeling that there is no hope, and there's nobody you can turn
to, just can't be put into words. You start walking that fine
line between sanity and insanity, wondering how to get out of the
relationship. You see, he also controlled all the money. What a learning
situation. I only received enough money to buy groceries, never
any spending money, so getting out was futile. My doctor just kept
attending me, waiting for me to brooch the subject. I didn't and
kept explaining the black eyes, and bandaged fingers and other bruises
away, (I can't believe this now (^; ) as walking into a door, etc.
I'm 5'6", he was 6'2" and strong. The one time I tried to fight
back got me into more trouble than ever, so I just submitted. If
I cried, it got worse. Again, it took years to actually cry in
front of other people, now, you can't stop me, movies, commercials,
anything. (^' Did I ever want to end his life to put a stop to
all this? YES!!
17 years after parting I am no longer scared of him, but like snakes,
I respect him from a distance, and if we talk on the phone, I don't
race into the ladies loo to break out in a cold sweat. I can talk
calmly and hang up without shaking.
Now, I have become very confident, very self assured, very, very
strong, perhaps too independant, Unfortunately it took about 15
years to emerge as a butterfly, and probably with help it would
have taken only a few years. I will never ever let anything like
that happen to me again.
..dale
|
| 220.38 | | SYSENG::BITTLE | healing from the inside out | Tue Sep 19 1989 23:31 | 17 |
|
re: .37 (Dale Mynott)
> Now, I have become very confident, very self assured, very, very
* strong, perhaps too independant, Unfortunately it took about 15
> years to emerge as a butterfly, and probably with help it would
> have taken only a few years. I will never ever let anything like
> that happen to me again.
Congratulations, Dale.
[hugs]
nancy b.
* p.s. you've made me wonder if there's such a thing as being too
independant ...
|
| 220.39 | | SNOC01::MYNOTT | I'll have what she's having | Wed Sep 20 1989 01:15 | 7 |
| .38
Nancy, actually I have been told I am too independant, and try to
find some middle ground.
...dale
|
| 220.40 | Congratulations feels premature | CECV03::LUEBKERT | | Wed Sep 20 1989 12:06 | 12 |
| Good for you, Dale.
In response to Nancy, I do believe you can be too independant.
A relationship can be pretty shallow and useless if either partner
is independant of the other. Love requires a certain giving up
of freedom and independance. It has a lot to do with trust.
After Dale's experience, however, it's perfectly understandable
but sad that she probably finds such a level of trust too frightening
and dangerous. That might be worse than the abuse.
Bud
|
| 220.41 | | SNOC01::MYNOTT | I'll have what she's having | Wed Sep 20 1989 19:28 | 66 |
| re: .40
I'm smiling while I answer this one.
For the past year I am what I would call free and clear and any
past fears, etc. Memories of the three faces of Eve keep coming
back (^;
But your note made me remember meeting two movie mates of mine.
The first, I met at the DEC Christmas Party, who introduced himself
to me as William Hurt and broke any tension (probably because I
had been testing the Kahlua we had hidden under the table). The
second we met at a cinema, after introducing myself to the wrong person,
we finally met. We were talking about this the other day, and I
remembered how tense I was. Almost a testing ground, not for anybody
but myself. I relax very very quckly with people, but that goes back
to one of my notes about a title.
I always try to make myself relax with new people. Hence introducing
myself as just Dale. In a work situation with clients I'm in control,
so its automatically easier to relax. (I hate being a passenger
in a car, and often get carsick 'cause I'm not in control (^; )Most
of my clients are graphic artists, ad execs, the creative workforce who
come from a relaxed background and work well on a first name basis.
This I also found worked well in another work situation. We had
just opened the finance ACT and all the top CEO's from the finance
business district turned up. They received name tags, and I introduced
myself in the usual manner. Well, they relaxed, smiled, opened up
and started chatting casually. I have no need to play politics
or games.
What I'm trying to say in a longwinded (very) way, is, its not been
others I didn't trust, it was always me. I did a five day intenstive
last year. Set up by the elite of the army, we had all these exercises
to do (high wire, absailing, etc).
I was captain of a team of 8 men, one woman and me. This group was
all egos, I mean, my least favourite thing, and I was in the middle of
it all. Each exercise was aimed to face you with different feelings
about yourself. The guys (all very very macho) laughed off what they
couldn't do, cried, but covered it up, until it came to me doing or
trying to do my things. (Still smiling ..) No problem with the
events that depended on the team, but coming to trust myself whew!!
Couldn't get over the edge of the cliff with absailing, and no way,
no how, could I walk that high wire. But, with me, I realised
immediately what my problem was. The guys, on the other hand saw
it as a weakness and letting the team down. This by the way, was not
a team effort.
Hang in there, I'm still getting to my point. (^; The last event was
one where you had to depend and lean equally on the other person,
called partners. This was the equalizer for us all. Not one of
the men could get even one quarter through this exercise. Now,
we had all gone through this amazing five days and nights, walked
on fire, played with snakes, worked on strategies in battle, and
suddenly these macho tough men realised that there really wasn't
a weakness in me after all. We ended up becoming one group by the
end. What I left with was, apart from a respect of snakes, that
I didn't have to be afraid of myself any longer, and haven't looked
back since.
A couple of small things in the past year have only strengthened
this.
..dale
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| 220.42 | WHAT'S WORSE? | MRC::FLECK | | Thu Sep 21 1989 15:41 | 7 |
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Nothing is worse than the abuse. At least I can't think of anything
I'd rate as worse.
Linda
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