Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    
    Barb,
       I admire the kind of person in which you are for feeling others
    pain, that is a very special quality in a human being. The "small
    ways" which you express that you help, are great measures of kindness.
    I am sure a non-anxious presence is a comfort to those in suffering.
    A little love goes a long way to those who truly need.
    
    Sincerely,
    Deb
    

    Barb,
    Just be there, be seen, be heard.  They will know.  What your doing
    now is the best.  What you will be needed for later, is the greatest!!!
    
    No matter how if goes, you will be REMEMBERED....  Count on it...
    
    And I know as a parent, pass and present.... thats not why you put
    in the message....:-)  You will have the cleanest yard in the
    neighborhood, I know I had some of the very best....
    
    The best to your whole Neighborhood... and to you and yours....

    I lost a little boy when he was four years old.  It was the most
    difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life.  Friends that
    cared let me talk about it until I was talked out and they 
    supported me in every way possible.  However, only time has
    healed to the point that I can talk about it to someone without
    crying and remembering all over again.  
    
    My child did not have a long illness.  He was sick for one day and
    died that same day from a rare blood virus.  I often wonder if that
    was better or worse.  It sure was a shock - I know that!  I think
    that any parent that has to watch their child die slowly must be
    the bravest people in the world.  
    
    sue
    

    I was not _allowed_ to talk about it to anyone for three years after
    I found my 6 week old daughter [SIDS].  How, you might ask, was
    this accomplished?  My well-meaning mother & mother-in-law convinced
    my husband that it was best to put it past and away and saw to it
    that I was, shall we say, 'not encouraged' to speak of her to anyone
    in my life at the time.
    
    Although, she had a sudden death and a very brief life, I treasure
    a multitude of beautiful and joyous memories from that time.  Once
    I was allowed to talk about the person that was, the consuming grief
    melted away.  Which is not to say that I don't feel a pang on birthdays
    and right-of-passage times like what would have been her first day
    at school.
    
    I feel a thrill down to my toes now when I hear the funeral invocation
    'Let us give thanks for the life of...' because it is so true that
    a person's life is so much more important than the leaving of it.
    
    Listen, talk, remember.
    
      Ann
  
  
 

    Hugs to Emily and her family.
    
    Martha

    I lost one of my sons when he was an infant.  For 2 months we went
    through the ups and downs of his heart problems.
    
    After he died, I was devastated.  It took a looooong time, and lots
    of talking about it, to feel whole again - and I still miss him 12 
    years later.
    
    Shortly after Quinn died, a dear friend informed me that her son
    had leukemia.  I talked with her daily, let her talk as much as
    she needed, held her hand, shopped with her, took her muffins, and
    was there.  It was all I could do - and all she could have.  Her
    son's death and funeral, 5 months after my own son died, was extremely
    difficult for me.  But I wouldn't have NOT been there.
    
    Many friends have a very difficult time even talking with you when you
    are in this situation.  So they withdraw, not because they don't
    care, but because they don't know what to say or do.  Just being
    there is the MOST important thing - and LISTEN.  The talking is
    soooooo important, both before and after.  It is the essence of
    healing.
    
    Later, this same friend and I formed the first support group for
    bereaved parents in our town.  At the first meeting, so many people
    showed up that they were spilling out of the small room we had gotten.
    They also all needed to TALK.  
   
    You are wonderful to be such a good and caring friend.
    
    Ellen

    My daughter, Tina, died at the age of 6 1/2 of cystic fibrosis.
    Her whole life was spent fighting for her life.  I think I found
    it hard to talk to people about how tough it is trying to keep your
    child alive and knowing you're fighiting a losing battle.  I was
    more concerned at the time with keeping her alive and believed somehow
    a miracle would happen and she'd be o.k.  The most difficult
    part for me was when she died.  She is still very much alive in
    my heart and I *want* to talk about her.  When I try, I get such
    strange reactions from people that I feel uncomfortable....like
    I have to protect other people from MY pain.  There are a few people
    I can talk to about Tina (but not many), about the good times and
    the funny things she always did, there were so many.
    People are always telling me how they can't believe how "brave and
    strong" I've been.  If they could only see inside.  Even my mother
    will still ask "are you over it yet?  It's been 3 years".  How could 
    I be? How could anyone who's lost their child?
    The best thing you can do is be there, tell the parents they *can* 
    talk to you about it or cry with you if they need to.   And most
    important of all, give them lots of hugs and let them know you care.
    My thoughts are with you and with them.  If you need to talk, feel
    free to get in touch with me.
    
    Marie
    
    
    

    Oh my God, such pain!  My heart goes out to all of you.  Much love.
    
    -Dotti.

       My heart goes out to all of you. This was what keep me quiting my
       medical jobs about every year for a few months. It was hard
       enough in the ER when you saw them die every night but didn't
       know them. In cancer therapy I got to know them and watching them
       die (especially the children) a piece at a time was brutal. I got
       to the point where I left work in tears every day because I
       couldn't stand losing another one I had worked so hard to save.

       It was almost worse for the parents than it was for the kids. I
       remember them and the looks in their eyes. I can recall the faces
       of so many even today, and it's been over 10 years since I last
       worked in a hospital.

       People who don't understand why folks in the medical professions
       turn so often to drugs and drink should try living like that for
       awhile. You get hard, you get out or you stay doped up. I admire
       the ones who can stay in there and keep helping, I couldn't.
       liesl

    Thank you all for the warm feelings and suggestions.  My husband
    and I used to own a toy store, so when we heard about Emily, we
    gathered a good selection of toys for those times after her spinal
    taps and chemotherapy when she didn't feel like playing with other
    children and took them to her family.  We included enough teddy
    bears and plush for all the children.  When we had the store, we
    supplied the trauma unit of the local fire department with teddy
    bears for the children the firemen had to deal with, and learned
    that the children focused on the bears for security and not the
    fear, shock and pain.  With that in mind, we gave Emily several
    teddy bears.  
    
    After that week's spinal tap/chemotherapy treatment,
    I received a note from her mother, Eddy, thanking us and say that
    for the first time, Emily had taken her Snuggle bear with her for
    treatment and, because of the bear being with her, did not need
    anesthesia, the spinal tap was easier to perform with less pain for
    Emily, and she clutched it all the way home afterward.
    I cried when I heard that (I am now--just writing it), and so did
    my family, but we still feel so helpless.  With all your good comments,
    I think I have the courage to try to continue to be a support in
    whatever way I can and hope it will be enough.
    
    Thank you all-
    Barb                                         

    Okay, friends, you may notice that I've changed the title for this
    note... While I was thinking about Katy, I put down her sister
    Emily's name.  A friend suggested that it may be that it's so painful
    for me to think about little Katy, that I "protected" my feelings
    by changing her name.  I don't know, but either way, I goofed. 
    
    The reason that I'm "confessing" is that Katy is in the hospital
    with a bacterial blood infection, and will be there for the next
    7 (+?) days.  She gets lonely and bored.  If any of you would like
    to send her a card or note to say "hi", it would be appreciated.
    I talked to her mother, Eddy, last night and told her about all
    of you in =wn= and the caring, supportive love that you are sending
    her way, and we both shed a few tears.  She was so moved by your
    concern!  I just want to thank you again for all your warm responses.
    It helped me to help Eddy.
    
    After we heard, Michael and I raided our storage units and took
    Katy a bunch of "hospital" toys.  She is in good spirits, but looks
    tired.  She also thinks she's going home today.  She isn't.  Please
    send her cards to:
    
    			Katy Ward
    			Primary Children's Hospital Rm. 548
    			320 12th Ave.
    			Salt Lake City, UT.84103
    
    Thanks-
    Barb

    Thank you for entering this note.
    
    While I have not lost a child myself, my fiance has.  3 1/2 years
    ago, his 2 year old son drowned in an accident.  Shortly after that,
    he become divorced.  So essentially all that time to grieve was
    spent alone.  We have been together now for 2 1/2 years, and will
    marry at the end of next month.  
    
    When I first knew about it, I grieved FOR him, and like most people,
    didn't know how to talk/not talk about it.  What we now do and have
    done for a while, is to talk often about the boy, and keep his pictures
    up.  We visit the grave from time to time, and remember his
    birthday--we generally go out to dinner.  We both feel that he always
    will be close to us, and that someday we will all be together. 
    I have seen for myself that talking and sharing, and crying sometimes,
    REALLY helps.  He was a wonderful child, and deserves to be remembered
    with love and happiness.
    
    My prayers and comfort to all who have lost children.
    
    Jane

    For everyone who has taken the time and effort to send cards and
    notes to Katy, and especially for Emily VanFleet's preschool class
    who sent very special cards, I would like to share this note...
    
    Dear Barbara,
    
    Katy has been thrilled with the many thoughtful cards and notes,
    and even a darling magic wand one woman sent to her which she carries
    around daily.  Thank you so much for your kindness in mentioning
    her through your computer network.  How thoughtful these people
    are! Please let them know how much we appreciate it and how much
    Katy has enjoyed all the cards and notes.  She has saved every one
    of them.
    
    Again, many thanks!
    Love,
    Eddy
    
    
    Barb

    Thank you, Barb, for giving us the opportunity!
    
    						=maggie

    In talking to Katy's mother, Eddy, last Saturday evening, I found
    out that Katy is again going to another round of chemotherapy, spinal
    taps, and bone marrow treatments for the next 5-6 weeks.  Since
    Katy still keeps track of every card she has ever received from
    WOMANNOTERS and looks at them daily, as well as carrying them with
    her in her purse, I wondered if anyone out there might still be
    willing to share a card or note with Katy for the next few weeks?
    She asks her mother to let her know when the mail arrives everyday,
    just in case she receives more mail.  Eddy says your thoughtfulness
    has been a real life saver, and has made Katy feel very special.
    
    For all of you who take the time and love to respond, thank you
    from the bottom of my heart. 
    
    Teary Eyed-
    Barb

    I forgot to give you an address in my last reply.  Please send them
    to me since I'm not positive of the Ward's address.
    
    Katy Ward
    c/o Barbara Haslam
    1451 El Rey St.
    Salt Lake City, UT. 84108
    
    

    A continuing "thank you" to all the wonderful noters who are still
    taking the time to send Katy cards and gifts.  She continues with
    her chemotherapy and has evidently returned to the hospital for
    a brief time.  Katy's mother, Eddy, sends a special "thanks" to Jim
    for the wonderful post cards from all over Europe.  Katy received
    one of them the day she was quite ill from her medications and hugged
    it to her--even in her sleep.  She keeps every card and knows exactly
    what she has from her friends in WOMANNOTES because she carries
    them with her everywhere.  According to Eddy, they seem to give
    her strength to go through what she has too, and that is a lot.
        
    For anyone who wants to continue to send Katy a warm thought, I
    am again posting my address:
        
    Katy Ward
    c/o Barbara Haslam
    1451 El Rey St.
    Salt Lake City, UT. 84108
        
    or for inter-office mail:  SLO  HASLAM
        
    With special appreciation for your kindness-
        
    Barb
        

    Barb,
    
    Could you give us an update on how Katy is doing.  Also, would she
    and her parents still like to receive cards?  I just found this
    womannotes file and when as I read this note my heart went out to you
    and to Katy and her family.  You and your husband sound like very
    special people, how lucky they are to have friends like you.
    
    Colleen                                                               
    

    Katy stopped by yesterday.  She's enjoyed another birthday and her
    hair is starting to grow back a little bit.  She is said to be in
    total remission, but must still go to chemotherapy at least once
    a month.  She also has a low resistence to infections and has had
    to hospitalized several times this past winter.  Otherwise, she
    appears to be doing well!  
    
    There is a mysterious noter named "Jim" who still continues to send
    Katy post cards from all over the world, and she loves getting them.
    To my knowledge, Katy still has every card or letter ever sent to
    her by a noter.  She sleeps with them nearby and carries them with
    her wherever she goes, so they still mean a lot to her.  If you
    still would like to share a moment with Katy, you may send them
    to her in care of me at my new address:
    
    Barbara Haslam
    5180 Gravenstein Park #248-E
    Murray, UT. 84123
    
    Thanks for asking Colleen!
    
    Hugs,
    Barb

    
    That's TERRIFIC!!  Glad to hear she's doing o.k.