Conference turris::womannotes-v2

    Oh good, an other note in code. :-) Seriously, just in case, I'm
    not the only one who doesn't know what a co-dependent support
    group is or what co-dependent means in this topic would someone
    who does understand kindly explain? Thanks.
    
    			Alfred

    re: .2
    
    Alfred, recent theory of how abusive and addictive personalities
    work indicate that generally the person's partner is also
    participating in the addiction even though the partner is not
    actually taking in the substance of abuse. 
    
    What happens is that the drinking, or the drugs, or the abuse
    become the focus of the relationship -- both people center their
    emotions and actions on the addict's problem.  The partner's
    actions end up enabling the addict to continue his or her
    addictive behavior because they've both agreed that it's the most
    important thing.
    
    The person with the addiction is "dependent" on the drug or
    the behavior; the person who's not actively absorbing the chemical
    or whatever is the "co-dependent."
    
    Breaking co-dependency patterns can be as difficult as breaking an
    actual addiction.  Hence the need for support groups.
    
    "Addiction", as I understand it, need not refer to an actual
    physical addiction or a real substance -- it can be almost any
    kind of fixed obsessive/compulsive-type behavior. 

    --bonnie

Please post anonymously as a reply to 51.3.
Thanks,
****   ****   ****   ****    ****    ****    ****    ****    ****    ****

Bonnie,

I'd like to expand a little on your response re: the definition of a 
co-dependent.

    
   >						     The partner's
   > actions end up enabling the addict to continue his or her
   > addictive behavior because they've both agreed that it's the most
   > important thing.

          
     This is not something that the people involved *agree* upon as being
     the most important thing.  Most often, co-dependents are too close
     to the forest to see the trees.  There is alot of denial involved  
     with co-dependency issues.
    
     The substance abuser is *dependent* on their drug of choice. This
     becomes their primary focus (whether it be alcohol, cocaine, etc.).
     A co-dependent's primary focus becomes the addict, whose primary
     focus is their addiction, thereby making the addict's primary focus
     theirs as well.

     What it boils down to in simple terms is this: being so wrapped up
     in each others' lives that you lose your identity as an idividual.
     You spend so much time involving yourself in the addicts life that
     eventually you forget you have one of your own.

     As a co-dependent, I know first hand how hard it is to break my
     addiction to my husband.  What's even tougher, is regaining my 
     self-respect, self-esteem (basically, just regaining my *SELF* 
     again).

     I hope this helps to give a better idea of what a co-dependent is.
    

    What co-dependency has come to refer to is a much more general
    situation.  Namely, a co-dependent is:
    	
    	 anyone who grew up in any kind of dysfunctional family
    	 in which it was necessary to develop a set of rigid patterns
    	 in order to survive physically and/or emotionally
    
    	 and, who now has difficulty in establishing healthy, lasting
         relationships
    
    	 and/or is becoming aware that old, repetitive patterns are
    	 interferring with present life and well-being in whatever
    	 ways.
    
    Co-dependents have in common families in which *shame* and *secret-
    keeping were primary ways of living.  Many co-dependents learned
    to NOT raise issues with their families, NOT trust others, and NOT
    let others, including themselves, know what they really were feeling.
    Such characteristics carried into adult relationships do not bode
    well for healthy, lasting relationships.
    
    Sometimes co-dependency develops in adult life without a dysfunctional
    family of origin frequently by a non-co-dependent attempting to build a
    relationship with a co-dependent or something disastrous happens in a
    family resulting in the entire family having to reorganize and to begin
    to keep secrets...ranging from a spouse having an affair to a spouse
    or a parent dying and, for some reason, mourning is blocked.
    
    CoDA, Co-dependents Anonymous, is an extremely rapidly growing
    self-help program based on the 12 steps and traditions of AA.  Having
    begun in Feb. 1987, there are about 700 CoDA groups in the world.
    
    Jack
     

Pulled out of 'being written' land.
	Mez

================================================================================
Note 51.6                   Co-dependents anonymous?                      6 of 6
STARCH::MARVIN "Life is process, not a product"       0 lines  23-MAR-1989 00:51
                            -< CoDA Meeting Update >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                 CoDA (CO-DEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS) MEETINGS
                              rev. Mar 20, 1989

    If your area is not represented, and you are willing to start a group,
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