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Conference turris::womannotes-v2

Title:	ARCHIVE-- Topics of Interest to Women, Volume 2 --ARCHIVE
Notice:	V2 is closed. TURRIS::WOMANNOTES-V5 is open.
Moderator:	REGENT::BROOMHEAD

Created:	Thu Jan 30 1986
Last Modified:	Fri Jun 30 1995
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	1105
Total number of notes:	36379

28.0. "A Father's Day Present" by FSLPRD::JLAMOTTE (The best is yet to be) Sat Jun 18 1988 07:03

    Copied without permission from Thursdays, Globe....
    
    A NEW-IMAGE FATHER, Ellen Goodman
    
    He is every inch the new father.   A family man.  Close to his
    children.  The full parenting partner of his wife.  The very up-to-date
    image of the New Father's Day.
    
    Maybe his own father was a remote figure who emerged from the office
    or from behind the newspaper only to lay down the law.  But this
    new father can recite the full text of "Good-night, Moon."  He has
    opinions on strollers and nursery schools.  And when his children
    fall and scrape their knees, they are as likely to cry "Daddy" as
    "Mommy."
    
    She is every inch the new woman.  She brings home a paycheck.  She
    doesn't defer to her husband's authority in making family decisions.
    
    Maybe her own mother was a careful, protective authority who silenced
    the children when Daddy was home.  But she is proud to be the wife
    of a new father, and will, if you ask, extol the values of having
    two who parent rather than one who mothers.   She shares everything
    with him.  Except of course, her occasional, and decidedly retro,
    flashes of ambivalence.
    
    When the children were born into this home, into this partnership,
    the woman had no idea that she would give birth to all sorts of
    assumptions about mothering.  About how things should be done and
    who should be in charge of doing them.  It turned out, to her
    amazement, that he found it easier to diaper than she to let him
    diaper his way.
    
    Now, years later, there are the weekday mornings when he gives the
    children breakfast and she bites her tongue.  They do not have,
    these partners, the same attitudes about hot breakfasts and sugared
    cereals.  There are times when he takes them clothes-shopping and
    she turns pale.  They do not have, these parents, the same attitudes
    toward fashion or toward chartreuse on rosy-cheeked four-year-olds.
    
    And those vaunted moments when a hurt child yells "Daddy" instead
    of "Mommy"?  To tell you the truth, which she does not tell the
    new father, her arms ache to be the only one her children run to.
    And when the six-year-old is upset and will tell only his father
    what happened at school, the new woman is - this is embarrassing
    to report - jealous.
    
    In the past decades, how many people have heard much about the
    difficulties men have had adjusting to women's pressure for equality?
    We have had reports on how hard it is for men to share power in
    the wider world, to live with another and perhaps greater earner,
    to exchange the title "head of household" for partner.
    
    We have heard much as well in parise of the new father.  He has
    gathered "firsts" like some champion in the changing lifestyle
    Olympics.  The first man in his clan to participate in a birth.
    The first man in his family to stay home from the office with a
    sick child. 
    
    But we hear little praise when women accept these changing roles
    at home.  It is, after all, women who recruited the new father,
    perhaps even invented him, and women who shored him up when he was
    still a fragile minority creature.  If prizes aren't dispensed to
    the wives of these new fathers, it's because they are assumed to
    be the lucky ones.
    
    Nevertheless, it turns out that sharing the work of raising children
    also means sharing the power over children's lives.  Sharing the
    power - even the kind you didn't full recognize - is harder than
    expected.  Letting go of child power, giving up the central role
    in a child's life, can be as hard as letting go of purse power.
    It doesn't sound like a dramatic struggle.  But it can come with
    a sudden, internal wrench.
    
    Is this backsliding?  I don't know a woman who would trade in a
    new father for his progenitor.  Most mothers press for renovation,
    not restoration.  There is something wonderful in seeing fathers
    and children together, really together.  So, for sake of this change,
    mothers hide their ambivalence as if it were a dirty little secret.
    
    Maybe this Father's Day we could instead offer up the secret as
    a kind of present.  Wrap it with a special card.  The truth is that
    women have also given something up for the men in their lives.
    
    In celebration of the New Father's Day, they are learning to let
    go.

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
28.1	more tongue en cheek...	SALEM::AMARTIN	DIG IT AL	`Sat Jun 18 1988 23:32`	9
	Mel earns the same (sometimes more) than me. I bess get more thanr that! After the months I saved up (without her knowing) to get that beautiful hutch that she enviedfor mothers day, I bess get more than that! I give the boy breakfast EVERY MORNING, I bess get more than that! Almost every morning i get HER breakfast, I bess get more than that! :-) This is *MY* day, I bess get more than that! :-) AL the EQUAL partner of Melissa.
28.2	Can't say I sympathize	FSTRCK::PSSDMGR		`Mon Jun 20 1988 11:51`	8
	re: .0 My mother is a staunch feminist. She never felt any need to give any credit to men for giving up something they had no right to have exclusively. I agree with that philosophy. Similarly, I honestly can't sympathize with such a woman described as in the base note. I wouldn't consider the gift being offered worth much. "Here, I am freely giving you what is rightfully yours. Enjoy."
28.4		FSTRCK::PSSDMGR		`Mon Jun 20 1988 16:18`	11
	I can agree that a couple who are united in their philosophy regarding the home can be proud of that, and that one is not be dominated in the household roles is wonderful. It is good for a couple to recognize when they have an appropriate living arrangement. It is no more approrpriate for any woman to think she is giving her SO a gift when she allows him to raise their children equally, then it is for a man to consider he is giving his SO a gift by allowing her equal opportunity in the decision making process. In truth, neither allows the other to do anything; neither is giving anything. You can't give something you don't have. Period !
28.6		DECWET::JWHITE	rule #1	`Mon Jun 20 1988 23:47`	4
	re:.2 hear! hear!
28.7	A reply	FSLPRD::JLAMOTTE	The best is yet to be	`Tue Jun 21 1988 14:13`	22
	I am not sure what to make of the replies to this note...it certainly was unexpected and they have made me think a little. Unfair as it might be the big engineer designed women to bear children and in so doing she/he did not build in a way to identify the fathers of these children. Having had my children in the early 60's when father's were just beginning to be a part of the birthing process I do not recall men fighting for that involvement....they in fact were encourage by their partners. The bonding process that begins at birth was a result of women needing the support during the process of birth. Women instinctively want to care for their children...not saying that men don't also...but most men did not take an active part in the rearing of children until they were asked to by their partners. So to discredit the article by stating that we as women cannot give what is not ours to give....why didn't men fight for this right as we have had to fight for the right to vote for instance? Why was it that women were the ones to begin the movement of greater involvement of fathers in the rearing of their children?
28.8	Honor they father	EDUHCI::WARREN		`Tue Jun 21 1988 14:38`	10
	If you're surprised by these responses, you should see the responses this articles got in Parenting (note 490! Most of the resplies seem to be from fathers who were angered (a) that women would try to take the credit for making them the involved fathers that they are, (b) that we would feel these ambivalent feelings at all (sound familiar?), and (c) that we would dare to express them on _their day (thus stealing their limelight, I guess). -Tracy
28.9		ANGORA::BUSHEE	Living on Blues Power	`Tue Jun 21 1988 14:56`	15
	RE .7 No Joyce, it just might be like in my case, I was not allowed to be a part of any of the process until my now ex-wife came home from the hosipital!! I would have loved to be part of the process, her mother was, but the hospitial didn't allow fathers to share in it! I didn't even have any say as to the name, when I asked why I wasn't asked if the choice my ex gave was okay, the hospitial told me I didn't count!! So not all fathers had to prodded into caring, some of us didn't get the chance! G_B
28.10	Just a little nudge,	POBOX::MBOUTCHER		`Tue Jun 21 1988 15:01`	38
	Maybe women DID begin the movement to encourage male involvement in child birthing and rearing. And maybe women sensed that fathers needed a more important role than they were socially allowed to have in raising children... I'm a fairly new father but I've experienced more male social pressure to be less involved with child rearing - you know, "You're not supposed to be changing diapers, waking up at 2 AM to feed the unsettled child or taking the boys to the park so mommy can have some time off" . All we needed was to be acknowledged and encouraged in this role. Fathers feel very empty when mommy has all the answers for the kids. We need to feel a deeper involvement in the product of two lives. I, for one, often became hesitant to take on bigger chunks of involvment because of male family and friends - even of less understanding female family and friends. When our my wife, two sons and me visit my mother-in-law, she chastises my wife when I get up early to make breakfast for my boys. What she doesn't understand is that breakfast with my boys is special to me. Even though they're only 3yr and 2yr old, we have nice talks about mommy, our day, dreams, etc. without the annoyances that begin later in the morning. Of the ump-teen numbers of men that I know with families, none admit to this type of behavior. Are they afraid to admit it? Do they really not enjoy having a quiet breakfast with their children? I honestly believe that the female half of the parents has failed to see the need for dads increased involvement. Dad can't be upfront about it for whatever out-dated reasons. I guess the male ego just needs a subtle nudge to reach out and become involved where we have traditionally been strangers. When male equality in this part of life becomes the rule instead of the exception I believe the family will regain the fullness that it lost when mothers entered the job market. We've taken from the family a full time mother, so we need to give back a better, more involved father. mike
28.11	off the track a little, but..	COMET::EVANSM		`Tue Jun 21 1988 18:04`	8
	If its any help to you Mike, my father always made us breakfast when I was young. My mother is a late starter until she has her tea and a newspaper, but we always woke up hungry, so dad was the morning person and mom the afternoon and evening shift. This has been going on since the late '40's. Meg
28.12	Thanks for Nothing	YODA::BARANSKI	The far end of the bell curve	`Tue Jun 21 1988 18:46`	12
	Men did not initiate becoming more involved in the family because they had their hands full being the breadwinners. It probably would have been percieved as a threat to mothers in any case. Or, as pointed out, it existed and was simply not noticed. I can remember some very special times with my father when I was young, and I can't say that I thought that my father was better then other fathers. What .0 says to me is 'thanks for nothing; I'm the one who deserves praise for letting you be a part of your children!' Barf! Jim.
28.13		COUNT::STHILAIRE	Best before Oct. 3, 1999	`Wed Jun 22 1988 12:12`	12
	re .12, that's a generalization, Jim. There were plenty of working class families in the 40's, 50's, 60's where the women worked to help pay the bills because they had to so the family wouldn't be out in the streets, and where the husband still left most of the childcare up to the woman. Both men and women accepted these roles as traditions without question for years. It is not the fault of either sex. Everybody was just doing what they believed to be right. Thankfully, at some point in the 60's people began to question traditions that had been accepted for generations. Lorna
28.14	familiar echoes	DOODAH::RANDALL	Bonnie Randall Schutzman	`Wed Jun 22 1988 13:35`	30
	I find it interesting that many of the men's replies here and in Parenting are reversals of the things I said about my role as a woman when I started into the working world 15 or so years ago, when I felt like every man I met was denigrating my ability, telling me to go home, and refusing to allow me a chance to try to work because I wouldn't do it up to their standards. And the men I knew had, and are still having, ambiguous feelings about women in general and their woman in particular having her own job, her own income, and her own independence. A woman who isn't financially dependent on her man can leave him whenever he wants, and that change in the order of things is very threatening. I don't think too many men made it through these changes without some internal agonizing about the relaxing of financial control and a fight or two. Similarly, sharing parenting with the loving father of your children is a threatening thing to do because the mother's role changes, too. I haven't made it through without a lot of agonizing about assumptions I had learned and never questioned before. Acknowledging these feelings of ambivalence is not unreasonable. It would have been equally reasonable for one of these "new fathers" to have written a column for Mother's Day exploring his ambivalent feelings and fear of losing his children. Honoring our own parents and the people who have taken on the role of parent does not mean we have to brush issues and concerns under the rug. --bonnie