Conference turris::womannotes-v1

    remember, this is me talking, and I cannot speak for anyone else.
     This is a very personal matter, and no one else could actually advise
    this woman on how she feels deep inside, and no one else should
    make this decision for her.  
    
>    How would you feel about it?  What would you do? 

    I would think seriously about the emotional and financial consequences
    to the family as a whole.  I would probably want the child, but
    many other aspects would impact my decision.  Being a teacher, of
    course, I would probably love children a great deal...and it would
    not be an easy matter to decide...
    
>    Would it make a difference if you had begun to suspect your
>    marriage had problems? 

    Yes.  It would make a lot of difference.  It's very difficult to
    raise 3 children in a split family, let alone 4.
      
>    Would it make a difference if your career was something harder to
>    resume after an absence?  If it paid more than teaching?  If the
>    salary your spouse makes was not big enough to be able to afford
>    another child? 

    Yes, it would make a difference - financial hardship is not a pleasant
    thing to undergo, and may lead to more stress in the form of the
    spouse taking another job, or the mother taking a job sooner after
    the pregnancy than expected (or desired).
    
>    Would the number of children already in your family make a
>    difference? 

    Yes, if the number I had was exactly the number I wanted (or more),
    it would make a difference.
    
>    Would you consider abortion? 

    Depending on the impact of the various statements above, my own
    state of mind on the matter (how much I would actually like to raise
    another child at that point, how much time and energy I felt I could
    devote to the child, etc.), the money, the emotions, other children,
    the marriage, my religion, my family, my career, and other tangible
    and intangible thoughts (including, of course, my age and my health),
    I might.  I would talk to spouse, family, counselors, friends,
    religious affiliates, whatever.  And the fact that I might consider
    abortion by no means I would definitely go through with it - it's
    a pretty heavy thing to consider.  

    
    there you have it -
    
    -Jody
    

    
    Bonnie,
    
    At 36, my mom left a job she loved to have me.  With a new husband,
    two daughters and a step-daughter, and a new home, there was plenty
    to contend with.
    
    My sisters were 13, 13, and 15 at the time of my birth; my dad,
    46.  My folks had just builta new home.  Then, about the time my mom
    was ready to return to work, I was diagnosed an epileptic.  The doctor
    told my mom that although my seizures were not convulsive and were
    very mild, it was suggested that she stay home with me.  I know my mom
    would have loved to return to work, but she didn't.
    
    My dad, on the other hand, was forced to retire due to a hearing
    loss from working on aircraft engines without being supplied proper
    protection.  I can remember him working for almost nothing, scrubbing
    toilets, to ensure his family had food on the table.  On a couple
    of occasions, dad served up potato stew (something he had during
    his army days) when there wasn't alot of money/food.
    
    None of us ever suffered, nor did we ever lack the essentials. 
    If you were to ask my folks if they regretted the "accidental"
    pregnancy (me), they'd tell you not for a minute.  I remember what
    they gave up, but I'll bet they don't.
    
    A Grateful Daughter,
    
     Beckie

    If I were happily married, still in love with my husband, certain
    that he still loved me, and we could afford another child without
    having our lifestyle be drastically cut back, then I would have
    the baby, making certain to afterwards do something permanent to
    prevent having any more unplanned pregnancies.
    
    If all of the above conditions were not met, I'd have an abortion,
    because I couldn't deal well with being a poverty stricken middle-aged
    single mother of a toddler!
    
    Lorna
    

    Yup...it would have to be her decision....she would have to live
    with it for the rest of her life. 
    
    After having three bambinos tho and a if she had a problem marriage...I
    would definitely consider an abortion because divorce is a tough
    thing to go through with 3 kids never mind being pregnant going
    through it!!!!  But on the other hand her marriage isn't that
    bad maybe she could go back to work and then take a maternity leave.
    As a teacher she will have a nice benefit of having the summer off
    and also school vacations so she can rest up.....(well maybe having
    three kids at home isn't resting huh????  :-)  But again, it depends
    what's happening with her.....in her head...and she only knows the
    true answers.  Having an abortion is a difficult emotional thing
    and sometimes physically it can be a problem too.  But if that is
    her choice so be it - no one should judge another person.....and
    that should be the least of her worries.  Of course the husband
    has to consent to the abortion I believe but I could be wrong.
    
    bs
    

    re: .1  You haven't specified the woman's age.  To me that has always
            been a factor - rather than any other circumstance.  I decided
            in my late teens/early twenties that I would not have any
            children after I turned 30 simply because I do not want
            to be still taking care of them in my early early 50's.
            Call it hedonistic, but I want to be free at that age to
            do other things.  It may sound selfish to some but I want
            and need to do many different things in my life - other
            than just have and raise children.  If I became pregnant
            at the age I am now, I definitely would have an abortion.
            There is no question in my mind about that.  BTW, I am
            39.
    
            Sue
    

    Re: .5, my friend was 35 when the youngest was born last spring; I
    know the baby was unplanned (contraceptive failure) and I can tell
    that my friend is troubled by it and has been since she found out
    she was pregnant, but I'm having trouble getting any insight into
    what is bothering her.  It's complicated by the fact she lives in
    another state and we communicate mostly by letters. 

    I suspect that she seriously considered an abortion and now feels
    guilty that she even thought of it, at the same time regretting
    the baby and resenting having her plans thwarted. But how do I
    bring up those ideas to her?  Would it do any good to mention
    them?
    
    --bonnie

	Maybe she's also being bothered by post partum depression which
	is biological.

	...Karen

    re: .7
    
    You're probably partly right, Karen -- but since she seemed
    depressed several months before the baby came, I suspect there's
    more to it than that.  
    
    And what do you say to a friend who's going through post-partum
    depression, anyway?  
    
    --bonnie, who doesn't quite remember what it felt like

	I never know what to say to depressed people.  I guess all you
	can do is tell them that you'll be there if they need someone
	to talk to.  And let them know you care.  Perhaps you can
	also discuss it with her family.  Sometimes there isn't
	anything you can do.

	...Karen

[Is there a separate topic for non-PPD depression?]

Not counting organically-caused depression like PPD...
Not counting professional counseling/support groups...

Yeah, I think the best thing to do for depressed people is to let them know
that you care, and then just be with/listen to them.  I saw a lecture (via tv)
some time ago by the rabbi who wrote "When Bad Things Happen to Good People"
(I forget his name) and he essentially had the same conclusion.

Since she mostly writes to you, writing can be cathartic, too.  I know from
experience in a long-distance courtship: we worked out some pain in letters.
(And some on the phone in 80%(?) silent conversations.)  Given the state of
the mail, it takes longer, and the listener's job is much harder.  (How do you
be a good, quiet, listener when you're writing?  Listening is mostly providing
that non-verbal feedback which is tough to represent in writing [and notes...])