Conference turris::womannotes-v1

    I'm asking the questions in .0 because I recently complained
    to my therapist that "I don't feel sexy with" my SO.  She
    asked what sorts of things make me feel sexy, and after
    thinking about it, I was able to come up with several
    things--and all of them were along the lines of "when a lover
    smiles or acts or talks in a certain way to me."  She
    suggested that I may be too dependent on seeing my
    "reflection" (my word, not hers) from another person who
    perceives me as sexy, and further suggested that I need to
    learn how to directly perceive *myself* as sexy.  (This is
    obviously tied up with a lot of other self-image stuff.) 

    But I'm stumped.  How do I learn to perceive myself this way?
    Have any of you had to "re-define" yourselves in a similar
    way?  I don't *think* I'm asking for details that are too,
    um, indelicate to discuss in this conference, and I'd
    appreciate any advice and support.

    -- Linda

    okay Linda, I'll try a couple...
    
    wearing really nice new lingerie...
    
    taking a shower and going to bed in clean sheets.
    
    is that the kind of thing you are talking about? :-)
    
    Bonnie

    Depends on one's definition, of course, but...
    
    I feel "sexy" when I'm feeling particularly competent, alert, and
    full of life. Striding down a pathway with the breeze tossing my
    hair, feeling as if I could handle anything that comes along - it's
    a major turn-on, and while it does *not* equate to sexual desire,
    nonetheless it's when I feel my most attractive (whether or not
    there's anybody there to notice).
    
    (I should add that on those few occasions when I dress up - and if I get
    a compliment or two - I feel pretty pleased; but it isn't the same
    thing. In that case it's more a matter of being satisfied that I have
    successfully put on the "woman in public" costume. Not a bad feeling,
    but not quite "sexy" either.) 
    
    And then there's "sensual," which is what I'd call Bonnie's
    suggestions; lazing in a tub of hot, scented water, or curling up in
    bed in a fleecy robe, or wading into a sunwarmed ocean... (Ahem.
    Maybe I'd better switch to the turn-on note!)

    -b

    Confidence is, as Beth points out, a major factor in one's
    appreciation of one's own sexuality.
    
    And so is the ability to appreciate sensuous experiences that
    are not necessarily directly sexual, as Bonnie Jeanne mentions.
    
    I've always liked sex, but I didn't really revel in it until after
    the birth of my youngest (who turned four today, by the way).
    
    I had a rather difficult labor and delivery, a fairly long
    recovery, and a followup hormonal imbalance that left me jittery
    and emotionally unstable for a year or more.  This happened to
    correspond to a difficult time in my personal life.  The details
    aren't relevant here but the result was that I locked myself up in
    a shell and tried very hard not to feel anything.
    
    Then a friend of mine suggested massage therapy as a way of
    getting back in touch with myself.  She was trying to drum
    up business for the therapist, who is a close friend of hers,
    but on reading the pamphlet I was struck by his statement that
    your body and your psyche interact; if your body is physically
    tight, your emotions will be tight too because they have no
    other way to express themselves.
    
    So I started a program of trying to get back in touch with my
    body.  I started taking time for long bubbly baths instead of
    quick showers.  I took time to put on makeup (at least once in a
    while) and for the first time learned about eye shadow -- not
    because I wanted to please any men but because I wanted to spend
    the time with myself. 
    
    I tried, and am still trying, to notice the world around me with
    all my senses -- to smell it and taste it and feel it as well as
    hearing and seeing it.  (And I discovered that being more open is
    not always more pleasant.  Now I get headaches from really
    bad-smelling places....)
    
    I also tried some personal and solo explorations that are better
    not discussed in public.  I'll just refer the interested reader
    to Nancy Friday's book _My_Secret_Garden_.
 
    --bonnie    

    Confidence...I feel quite confident of myself in my work, and
    in other areas.  Like Beth, there've been times when I felt
    strong, confident, on top of the world...but I do feel less
    confidence in my sexuality.  When someone I like affirms my
    sexuality, then I feel confident--with that person. 

    Sensuality...that may be a clue.  Perhaps if I can learn to
    appreciate my body and my reactions a little more, I'll feel
    more "tuned-in" to my sexuality?  I like the idea of
    "spending time with myself," like bubble-baths and things... 

    Thanks, Bonnie, for reminding me of _My_Secret_Garden_.  I
    glanced at it once several years ago, and meant to get a copy
    and never got to it...I loaned/lost my copy of _Sex_for_Women_
    (Carmen Kerr?), and it sounds like it may be time to check
    books in print again.  Or see how risque my library is!  :)

    Thanks for your support.  It means a lot to me.

    -- Linda

    Linda,
    
    Would you like to borrow my copy?
    
    When it comes back from its current borrower, that is.  It's
    the hottest item in my lending library!
    
    --bonnie
    

    I recently received my results of a Myers-Briggs test that shed a
    little light on the issue of sensuality.  My type indicator came out
    ISTJ, which means that I am an introvert liking sensing and thinking
    and a mainly judging attitude toward the outer world.  The
    characteristics ascribed to ISTJs were spelled out in broad terms but I
    found many ideas that felt familiar.  I'm beginning to realize that I
    will have to find options outside myself in order to "break out" of my
    style and explore my sensuality.
     
    The following are some of the attributes that are characteristic of
    ISTJs and that I have discovered affect my view on sensuality:
    
    *  We may abandon the frivolous for the sensible and may not always
    deepen our sensuality.
    
    *  We perform duties without flourish or fanfare.
    
    *  We seek functional, practical and durable clothes rather than the
    latest style.
    
    *  We are not apt to discuss our sexual experiences.
    
    *  We sometimes place the sexual needs of a mate over our own.
    
    *  We are happy keeping within established routines.

    Hormones.  As the cycle goes, so do I...
    
    I suggest reading Lonnie Garfield Barbach's book, For Yourself.
    Lots of good ideas about reflecting your own sexuality back to
    yourself, for yourself.
                                                   

    What makes me feel sexy? um...For me feeling sexy and being sexually
    aroused are two different things...well at least most of the time.
    I feel really good when I get a new outfit and somebody makes a
    big deal out of it. I feel as though I glow all day. I really enjoy
    being a woman. I have been told by some of my men friends that men
    are attracted to me because I am very feminine. I am very flirtatious,
    not because I am trying to attract someone but because I really
    enjoy doing it. Its fun and as long as the rules are understood
    its safe. My SO has said that someday I'm going to get into trouble,
    that happened once and I quickly set that man in place! 
    
    I would say that a man's looks are important but more often than
    not its their general personality. I mean that I have been attracted
    to several men by their intellect, sensitivity, gentleness, and
    their appreciation of others. These men have not always been within
    the "hunk" catagory. ;-)! 
    
    Sexual arousal in the other person will usually triger my own arousal
    but not 100% of the time. Other factors come into the picture. 
    
    I hope that I am making sense and responding to your questions.
    I have never really thought about this. Maybe I'll give this one
    a couple of days and respond again.
    
    H

    What makes me feel sexy? Well ...
    
    - basking in the sun in the nude on my balcony. I feel warm and
      moist all over, and it's a gorgeous feeling.
    
    - clean sheets, the day they are changed: crisp, fresh and smelling nice.
                                            
    - being alone in the afternoon with my husband (almost NEVER happens).
    
    - I feel a bit embarrassed about that one, but one shouldn't shy
      away from the truth: eating spaghetti! 
    
    All the above relate more to being "sensuous" than "sexy", but I
    have found that, with me, one leads to the other...
    
    Joana

    more sensous feelings;
    
    - wearing a shirt that slips off one shoulder
    
    - putting up my hair, leaving several long wisps
    
    - pumps with cleavage  :vD
    
    - certain flowing clothes, esp. silk
    
    - candlelit dining... romantic settings
    
    - some erotica readings
    
    
    theresa.

    Some of my "sexy" feeling....
    

    A candlelit dinner at my place with my favorite man
    
    Wearing something that shows my curves
    
    Eating raw oysters
    
    Wine in the afternoon
    
    Rainy Sunday mornings in bed
    
    The smell Paco Rabanne after-shave lotion
    
    And I always feel sexy after a real sweaty workout at the health
    club.