Conference turris::womannotes-v1

    This is part of a song by "Uncle Banzai," a wonderful folk group
    with some cutting messages. This one's called "Penis envy"
    
    If I had a penis
    I'd wear it outside
    in cafes and car lots
    with pomp and with pride.
    If I had a penis
    I'd pamper it proper
    I'd sit in the tub
    and use me as the stopper
    I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay....
    Iiiiiii'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving day
    
    Chorus:
    A penis to plunder
    a penis to push
    'cause one in the hand
    is worth one in the bush.
    A penis to love me 
    a penis to share....
    To pick up and play with when nobody's there.
    
    .
    .
    . Oops! If there's any desire, I'll repost this with the full lyrics
    
    
    If I had a penis
    I'd climb every mountain
    I'd force it on females
    I'd pee like a fountain.
    
    If I had a penis
    I'd still be a girl....
    But I'd make much more money
    and conquer the world.
    

    <--(.1)
    
    I dunno whether to collapse in hysterical laughter or summarily
    incinerate it with an outraged "THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"    ;')
    
    						=maggie

    re: .1
    
    	Ha Ha!!!!  Oh, that made a day filled with tension abate
    	significantly!!!!
    
    						Carla
    

    I'm not sure that either of the first two fit my concepts
    of feminist humor...
    
    however, I will offer up today's B.C. which appears to
    be on the subject...
    
    The women called "the fat broad" is talking to Peter who
    is in the role of a psychiatrist....
    
    woman "I read today where the human brain is separated into
    two halves....it seems that a woman uses both but a man only
    uses one."
    
    Peter (thinking) "I have half a mind to charge her double for this."

Some people are born with all the "luck"!


RE:  .1

>  "I'd force it on females"

reply:  *YUKKKKKK!!!!!!!*

    another cartoon from today's paper...
    
    the preacher in the strip Kudzu is conducting an interview...
    
    "My guest today is *SUPERWOMAN* - a woman who has it all".
    
    Superwoman " That's right, preacher - it's not easy being 
    Superwoman but it's the only way you can have it all...
    
    ...a career
    ...a husband
    ...a family
    
   an ulcer
    high blood pressure
    and a shrink!

    A woman's place is in the House. . .
    
    
    . . .the Senate, and the Oval Office.
    
    Steve
    

    Please don't flame me, and feel free to delete it if you find it 
    too offensive.  It is intended to be humorous and I by no means
    imply that myself or anyone here looks at it this way...okay?
    I first read it when I was on co-op.  I received it from an 
    ancient mailing list called bad joke of the day, which is no longer
    in existence for obvious reasons.

    Three women were in the ladies' room and they were complaining about
    how unfair life was to them.  One said, "Men get all the raises".
     Another said, "Men get all the promotions".  The third said, "You
    know, I really don't think it's fair".  So they decided to go to
    Sweden and have sex change operations.  
    	Six months later they meet by coincidence in the men's room.  
    They are all advancing rapidly careerwise, but it is obvious that
    they underwent an ordeal to fulfill their wishes.  The first says,
    "You know, I really hated it when they reduced my chest and made
    it flat".  The second said, "Yes, and it was painful and emotionally
    distressing when they reworked my 'plumbing', so to speak."  The
    third said, "You know what I hated the most, I hated it when they
    stuck that needle in my ear and sucked out half my brain..."
    
    

    A man of quality is never threatened by a woman of equality.

    Men often come into my office and read the bumpersticker on the
    bookshelf:
    
     	A career woman has to dress like a lady
    	  think like a man
    	     and work like a dog
    
    
    They usually laugh, and say, "That's funny.  You don't believe
    that, do you?"
    
    

    I was under the impression that the song was somewhat vicious feminist
    humor. The song, after all, goes out of its way to point out what
    nasty things those people with penises (usually men?) do. Sorry
    if anyone took offense. This song (same group) is nothing like it
    though. Half funny, half sad (my opinion). It's not feminist in
    that it makes women look good directly -- only indirectly.
    If anyone liked "Penis Envy" and wants another, slightly 
    more cutesy one, send me mail, and I'll type up "fat boys." I won't
    post it here though. NO WAY :-)
    
    He Must Have Been a Genius
    
    He said he knew just what was best for me
    He told me things I didn't know
    He said he wouldn't ever pressure me
    said he wouldn't ever go
    
    He said he wanted to be close to me
    He never really left my side
    He said he wanted to propose to me
    but he never found the time
      watching tv and reading papers
      always thinking of a plan
      something for an honest man
      to do with his days
      he had his ways
    
    He said he's love me for eternity
    He told me so himself
    He told me that he'd always turn to me
    that he'd always be around
    
    chorus:
    And he must have been a genius
    He told me so himself
    Every morning at the breakfast table
    do crosswords in his sleep
    every evening in the dark
    making love with open eyes
    
    He wrote a letter to my family
    He said he'd never make me cry
    He said he'd give me immortality
    but he never said goodbye
    
    chorus:
    He, he could have been a genius
    I told him that myself
    in the morning when he looked so frightened
    and he couldn't shake the sleep
    every evening in the dark
    I forgot to close my eyes.
                 

    No message here, so don't look for one.
    
    Woman1: I have this terrible problem. Every time I sneeze, I come.
    Woman2: Oh, that's aweful. Are you taking anything for that?
    Woman1: Snuff.

    A woman has to be twice as good to get half as far.
    
    	-- Charles

	... seen on a cubicle wall in the mill last week ...

    
    	T H E    E V O L U T I O N    O F    A U T H O R I T Y
    
    footprint		footprint	footprint	footprint
      of a		  of a		  of a		  of a
    Big Bear		barefoot	man's shoe	high-heel
			  human				  shoe

                                 footprint
    				   of a
    				    VAX

    The common woman is as common as the common loaf of bread,
    
    
       a
        n
         d
    
             w
              i
               l
                l
    
                    r
                     i
                      s
                       e!

    re: .15  Thanks; I got stuck trying to figure out how to
    "draw" those pictures here.  BTW, if it's the same cubicle
    I think it is (bldg. 3-6, across from the EPG MAXCIM training
    area), the cubicle belongs to a man (who just happens to be
    joining our department next week :-D ).
    
    re: .16  Oooo, I'm starting to hear that Twilight Zone theme
    (de de de de, de de de de)
    
    Steve
    
    And since we're revisiting oldies (but goodies):
    
    Of course God(dess, if you prefer) made man first; everyone needs
    to make a first draft. . .
    

    re: all 
    
    <*snicker*snicker*> these are great <*hoo*hah*chortle*>
    
    lt

    Steve,
    
    There's one of those outside my secretary's office too.
    
    There's one I know a slightly different version of:
    
    	"A woman must work twice as hard as a man to be
    	considered half as good.  Fortunately, this is
    	not difficult."
    
    And who could ever forget the classic:
    
    	"A woman without a man
    	       is like
    	a fish without a bicycle."
    
    						Ann B.

    She who laughs, lasts.
    
    Plus je vois des hommes, plus j'aime mon chatte.
    
                                           ^that's how it was, really
    
    Women who aspire to be equal to men lack ambition.

    	My mother says:
    
    	"Why would I want to be equal to a group [men] that
    	 I'm already far superior to."
    
    	Scott

A variation on the sex-change joke:

    A man  wanted a sex change operation, and afterward was talking to
    his  friends  about it: Growing breasts wasn't too bad, having the
    plumbing rearranged was a bit of a pain, but the worst part was



When they cut my salary in half.

--David

    When God mad man...
    
    
     She was only joking!!!!!
    
    CC
    

    
    re -.1
    
    

    I was feeling a little aggravated and sarcastic some months ago
    when I penned this one...
    
    
    
    The Empress's New Clothes

    Lust and fear,
    When she comes near,
    I want to touch,
    But do I dare?

    Well touch I must,
    She's such a sight.
    The way she's dressed,
    She has no right,

    To act as though,
    She doesn't want,
    My rolling eyes,
    And obscene taunt.

    Her skirt says "hi",
    Her walk says "yes".
    That clothes could talk,
    Who'd ever guess?

    But I can hear,
    Them speak you see,
    And their words take, 
    The guilt from me.

    Till naught is left,
    But all my lust,
    So here she is,
    And touch I must.

    And if she gives,
    A sharp retort,
    Well that just proves,
    She's not a sport.

    I want to take, 
    One silken feel,
    I have the right,
    That is the deal.
    
    We Men are here,
    To rule in life, 
    And women to make,
    It worth the strife.

    And when they dress,
    They do it so,
    We then can prove,
    That's what we know!
    

    
    "Some people just don't get it!"   ;-)
    
    Send me mail if you want a copy of the "slanderous" poem,
    "The Empress' New Clothes".

    (along the lines of .18)
    
    Man was only the field test version.....
    
    

    At the Pheasant Lane Mall in Nashua last week, I saw a female
    employee of a fast-food store wearing a big button that read
    (all capitalization preserved):
    
    NO, I don't have PMS
    I'm always this bitchy

    That's in the same league as the one I saw a secretary wearing:
    
    You've confused me with
    someone who cares.

    
    
    
    
         "All the women moaning about finding husbands
          have obviously never had one!"
    
    
    
    DK
    
    

    From The readers Digest:
    
    An optometrist examining a young woman asked her "Do you have trouble
    threading needles lately?"
    She replied "No, but I have trouble reading The Wall Street Journal."
    
    He is revising his list of standard questions.

	OR......what about:


		"Don't ask me what I think,
		 I was hired for my LOOKS."

        Please solve your problems in advance so I can help you more.
    
           

    RE: some of last several:
    
    How are these described as "feminist"????????
    
    --DE
    

    I have a pin on my office wall that says:
    
    	There are only two things wrong with men
    
    
    	Everything they say and everything they do.
    
    I got this from a male friend who thought it was appropriate for
    my office.
    
    _peggy
    		(-)
    		 |
    
    			The Goddess knows its funny....
    

    saw a bumper sticker the other day
    
    Sexism is a social disease...
    
    
    
    -Jody
    

    This WAS a man's world!!!
    
    

    Announcing a new notesfile for us GIRLS!!!  AT LAST, a notesfile
    where we can all let our hair down and let someone else do the
    driving!  Just type 
    
	    		ADD ENTRY DIZZY::DAMES
    
    I'll just remind everyone of the obvious:
    
    	only MEN can start topics  (girls don't speak unless spoken
				         to!)
    

    re:.39
    
    Lisa, shouldn't a *man* have announced that conference?
    
    --- jerry

       I take it that .39 is a joke...

       Neither 

       		DIR/CONF DIZZY

       nor (at the DCL prompt)

       		DIR DIZZY::NOTES$LIBRARY:*.NOTE

       locates such a conference...


       /. Ian .\

    "Twenty-five percent of the burdens that were outraged and blamed
    their lot in life on personal racial discrimination were white!"
    
    			from "Burdenism" by Michael J. O'Connell, Ph.D.,
    			in _Oral_Sadism_and_the_Vegetarian_Personality_:
    			Readings from the Journal of Polymorphous
    			Perversity.  Ed: Glenn C. Ellenbogen, Ph.D.
    			Ballantine (Humor) 1987
    
    (The Journal of Polymorphous Perversity is like the Journal of
    Irreproducible Results, only it's Psychology-specific.)

    From BLOOM COUNTY several months back, more recently from my office
    wall:
    
    Opus, the conservative penguin, meets up with an elfin little girl
    dancing in the forest.
    
    She:  I am woman. Fear me.
    
    Opus: Fear you?
    
          [Opus dances along, as she explains]
          
    She:  I have struggled hundreds of years and men still believe me
    	  to be powerless...
          
    	  Yet after only a coule of weekends in Moscow, I've managed
    	  to humiliate the entire American Marine Corps...
            
    	  With fifteen minutes in a hotel room, I've toppled an American
    	  religious empire and its king...
    
    	  and with 24 hours in a D.C. townhouse, I've singlehandedly
    	  helped determine who would or wouldn't lead the entire free
    	  world in 1988.
    
    	  Men.
    
    	  If you can't join 'em, _beat_ 'em.
    
    Opus [sitting down abruptly]:  Yeek!
    
    ---
    
      Ann

    
    
    Strange I have the same cartoon on the wall outside my office -
    hmmmm - it is a great thought.
    
    _peggy
    
    		(-)
    		 |
    			Is this why the word of the Goddess involkes
    			fear in the hearts of (some) mem????  After
    			all She is on our side.
    

    
    Gods vs Godesses, with flaming swords at 50 paces...
    
    Seconds?

    Isn't that a kids' Saturday-morning cartoon show?
    
    --bonnie

    I just thought I would share a quote:
         "I myself have never been able to find out precisely what 
    feminism is:  I only know that people call me a feminist whenever
    I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat..."
    (Rebecca West, _The Clarion_ , Nov. 14,1913)