Conference turris::womannotes-v1

    	This does not address the larger issue of how to accept
    	living alone, but outdoors clubs are great for doing 
    	things with other people.  Like AMC.  They usually have
    	weekend trips too, which are not expensive, and you
    	could go on one of these when your son is away.  If you
    	like folk dancing, there is alot of that going on in
    	this area.  There is a *big* contra dance at the Concord
    	Scout House every Monday night.  Most people trade partners
    	on each dance, and dance with people they don't know.

                                                              
    	Hmmmm, yes, there is a possibility of being "forever alone"
    but in the same realm (that of possibility) there is also one of
    being "forever accompanied" - depends how you look at it. You seem
    to be encouraging the "alone" possibility - as if there's some
    necessarily associative certainty to it - why?
    	I find the exact same thing happens to me, concerning how I
    feel to be alone with respect to being in a relationship. Perhaps
    it's a question of balance; when we're without a companion, we feel
    out_of_balance - "somethings missing". Especially for you, where
    having a close companion has been the normal life_state for a time;
    probably more so than me. 
    	You find that "doing things" for yourself isnt very much fun,
    cause you're alone. But maybe that's not the reason. The things
    you gave as example were of the *entertainment* sort - something
    you might even do on a date, or, with someone. Is this time spent
    that is "goal achieving" - with your goals in mind? Nope. You may
    feel less lonely using this time to do that. It's just a thought.
    	Thinking totaly positively, you have quite the opportunity now
    in your life. You have all this time to do *nearly* anything you'd
    like! Maybe you've always wanted to own your own business. Or, perhaps
    you always wanted to learn a musical instrument, but "never had
    the time". Maybe you have wanted to try your hand at playacting,
    and, there happens to be a small theatre group in town that needs
    someone for a part - right now. You may even find some profound
    truths in something you picked out and then the world will come along
    with it's myths and reasons as to why it wont work. Ah, now you have
    something all the more to work for, bit by bit, to show the world, but 
    more importantly, yourself - that the truth you initially felt was real!
    	I suspect that...those who have learned to "cope"...are doing
    something like what I've described above.
    
    	Joe Jas (getting carried away)

    I've been divorced since 1977 and have lived alone with my two sons
    until this summer when I fell madly in love once again... and so
    now I'm making a completely different adjustment... getting used
    to being part of a couple again... and this is something that I
    truly never thought would happen.
    
    I come from a family of women who (for one reason or another) live
    alone.  I believe that time alone is a gift from God.  It's very
    difficult, and its the measure of a woman.  
    
    When finally confronted with one's "aloneness", one is faced with
    the full realization of who and what one is, where one is going,
    and what one's priorities and values really are.  When you are alone
    you have no one to bail you out, to "rescue" you, to come up with the
    extra rent money, to console you, to comfort you.  You discover
    that there is really very little that can distroy you.  You become
    strong.  You must fight like a man and react like a man if you have
    sons and they are threatened because children must have the security
    of a strong parent and a son learns to be strong, to be assertive
    by watching how his mother handles the many crises that arise in
    their lives.  If you are (like me) a shy person by nature, this
    is a difficult lesson.
    
    When I got divorced, women and children didn't get much support
    financially or otherwise in the courts .... so you learned to be
    grateful for small things and to appreciate "getting by".... a 
    social life wasn't as serious a problem as food and rent.  You 
    also knew that if your children were to have a future, you must
    find a way to provide what they needed educationally and otherwise.
    
    Gradually I developed strong interests of my own... not the usual
    "busy work" that people often suggest, but as the boys grew up and
    I had more time, all of those areas that facinated me in the past
    drew me.  I audited courses for fun, practiced different forms of
    hypnosis and meditation, devoured books.  I had (and have) wonderful
    pets who were company and protection and always ready for a walk.

    I really got to know myself, my strengths and my weaknesses, what
    I believed in, what I'd take a stand for... I gradually got to accept
    myself for who and what I was.  I had just about accepted the fact
    that I'd be alone until I died and I was content and really rather
    happy.
    
    Then I met Dave and he immediately saw beyond the extra pounds and
    the old habits and he loved me.  It had been so long that
    I'd forgotten how to play games and how to put up defenses and now
    I was used to saying what I felt and doing what I wanted and I was
    no longer afraid to take a chance or a risk...  there was nothing
    to lose and much to gain by including him in my life.
    Now we are living together and we are planning to get married and I've 
    never been happier.  Don't you just love happy endings?_:-)  

    Take the time to learn to know yourself and to love yourself,... then 
    if no one else ever does ... it won't really matter.  Take care of 
    yourself, you are all you son has to pattern his life after.  Enjoying
    your time with yourself.... you're in very good company_:-)

    Mary
    

    I made a remark somewhere in some note about feeling kind of like
    men were like trapezes...once I let go of one (or they let go of
    me) I would be petrified of that empty, unsupported, flying feeling
    and search desperately to grab on to the next one.  I don't think
    there's ever a net below, unless one has a very strong sense of
    self.  
    
    When I am "attached" to someone, as has been the case for most of
    the past 6 years, I feel my life has a focus, a central point, and
    that dreaming and planning the future is a great thing to do.  Time
    spent alone is fine, and will be followed at some point by a great
    sharing time between myself and my boyfriend.  I look forward to
    this sharing, to feeling "whole" with another person in my life.
     But it has become a problem, because now I feel "unwhole" when
    I consider what might happen were things to fall apart.  I would
    be a foundering ship without an anchor, and with no beacon to guide
    me.  I am facing a difficult possibility at this point that maybe
    it's *not* working this time...as he reassesses whether or not he
    wants a relationship with a "capital R".  So now I seek to strengthen
    my inner self, and to learn to like me just as I am - unvarnished
    and unaccompanied by someone else.  Time sometimes hangs over me
    like a vulture, taking forever to pass a single evening alone.  I am 
    going to take up hobbies, take some courses, form bonds with new
    friends...but I must do something now, whatever the outcome of the
    Relationship.  It is time to stand on my own two feet.  And the
    feeling that follows that statement is a tight feeling of worry
    and fear, and a relieved feeling of "finally...".
    
    -Jody
     

    I also have been there, feeling totally alone, no friends, etc.
    (only I didn't even have a child).  Often I would find that the
    only time I talked to another person was at work.  Often I would
    go out to the store for food on the weekends just so I could talk
    to someone,  anyone.  (I hate to admit it, but this lasted almost
    one year.)
    
    I pulled out of it.  How?  I don't know,  maybe I just got tired
    of being alone.  I started allowing my friends back into my life,
    (bless them for staying around!), and realized that by _my_ actions,
    I had pushed them away.  There is a philosophy that the ending of
    a relationship, particually a marriage, is like a death.  You go
    through the same 7 stages, of Denial, to Anger, aand finally to
    acceptance, (with many backslides in there). a good book that covers
    this is "death and dying", written in the 70's, I forget the author.
    
    As far as pratical advise, do things slowly, one step at a time.
    Don't expect to have the same active social life you had before.
    By definition, you usually had someone there, either next to you,
    or within a phone call.  I started making plans for myself, always
    scheduling at least 2 activities a month. (simple enough, leaves
    you 28 other days to sit around). And DO it.  whatever it is that
    you like.  (Trip to the beach,  go to a theatre, whatever.)  Yes,
    it's hard.  Especially seeing all the couples everywhere.  But you
    can stay at home alone,  or you can go out alone.  At least one
    is active.  I found that once I started joining life again,  there
    was plenty out there waiting for me.  I found the hardest part was
    being the only non-couple in a coupled group.  But I started assuming
    that if friends had invited me,  that they wanted me, and not
    necessarily 'a couple'.
    
    Accept the fact that you have the right to be lonely, you ARE. 
    And there will probally always be times when you will be.  I think
    that is human nature.  But it is only you who can change it.
    
    I wish you the best of luck.  I know how difficult this is.  And
    if you ever need someone to call and talk to, give me a call...
    Try me at work,  seems like I'm always here!!
    
    Just take the first couple of steps,  It can get better.
    
    Mary

    Hi. A very small point. You mentioned that lots of your friends
    are now involved with other people, and you imply that there's little
    room for a friendship with you. As a member of a couple, I'm delighted
    when my single friends want to go on a "date" with my spouse and
    me. I also set aside time to go out with friends without my partner.
    So please don't assume that members of couples don't want to spend
    time with you!
    
    liz

    The single life is wonderful!  Maybe I'm just too lazy to find people
    to go off and run around at crazy times and do crazy things.  But
    then again, not only do I not have to invite someone or he'd be
    hurt, I have tons more time because I'm not waiting around for that
    someone to be ready or driving thousands of miles to see him.  I'm
    nobody's sole soul support except for me.  And every now and then
    I drag friends off on adventures, or they drag me.  When there's
    no one else in the car, I can sing without embarassment, and it's much
    easier to think things through.  Oh, and the money saved on concert
    season tickets.  
    
    Not to mention the energy saved when that someone doesn't invite
    me to something.  :-)
    
    Of course, I can't say anything useful about being a single mom.
    Mine's kind of isolated too, she works so much and can't keep up
    with scouts, and she's shy.  But, she took up a new
    out-of-the-house activity recently: she does volunteer work at
    a tiger shelter.  She likes cats, she gets to be with other people
    who like cats, and big cats are even more likeable.
    
    Depending upon your son's age, you could take him on outing-club
    outings too.  Also, there are outdoors things that you don't have
    to join--a bird sanctuary or arboretum often sponsors walks or
    lectures, and a lot of those are set up for families.  You're a
    family!  Museums sponsor arts activity things for families too.
    These are places to make new friends too.
    
    Going out to dinner alone is not always a completely unrewarding
    experience, either.  I often like to watch people, but I've also
    had friends meet the woman/man of their dreams slinging sprouts
    or fries behind the counter.
    
    Sometimes I do think, "But I'll have to grow up someday."  That's
    when I realize all I need is to go and cheer me up.  Because learning
    to do things on my own was growing up.  And I like it.  Taking care
    of yourself is exhilarating, even if it may take getting used to.

    Like Jody and Lisa, I was _always_ involved with someone once I
    started "seeing" people.  Going to a school with 5-10 times as many
    men as women (depending on where in the school you were) meant that
    there was _always_ someone around if I wanted.
    
    Even after deciding I _didn't_ want to have a lover, it was very
    hard not to reach out when I was lonely and scared.  And there,
    if a woman reached out for male companionship, she didn't have to
    look hard or wait long for someone willing and eager.
    
    Now I live alone with a fat furball (with sharp claws but a great
    purr) for company.  Sometimes it was hard not to "go hunting". 
    The cat made it much easier -- unwavering devotion.  He doesn't
    get mad when I am testy, I can call him "cutie pie" and "my sweet
    baby" without flipping him out (try that with a _man_!).  He is
    no replacement for human love and I still can get really down
    sometimes, but my cat and my old Pooh bear (Dadushka gave him to
    me when I was 4) fill in most of the gaps and make it possible to
    get down to the real work of figuring out what _I_ (not my parents,
    not my friends, not my lovers, no my coworkers, not the author of
    some self-help book) think is important in this life.
    
    In the long run, it is worth the introspection -- I am the only
    person residing in this skull, and I am the only person I am certain
    to have with me for my WHOLE life.  I had _better_ come to peace
    with myself, whoever the heck I am.
    
    It is tough, tho.
    
    Lee

    re .0

    I've found that movies with serious undertones are easier to watch
    alone. Usually comedies evoke commentaries and when I see comedies
    alone I miss sharing the laughter. Also I prefer to go alone during
    the day. There aren't as many couples at the 3 pm movies on Saturday
    as there are at the 8 pm show, so I don't feel as though I stick
    out at the mid-afernoon shows. 

    re .6:
    
    The author of "On Death and Dying" was Elisabeth Kubler Ross.
    
    --Tracy